I Turn Into a Pumpkin / Big Man and his Bigger Shadow.
The hours of the sun, at least those by which we gauge our tireless, quickly passing, list riddled days, change. Shorter, colder, and frost tickled moments of sunlight trickle into the end of yet another year by which I measure my trajectory as a person.
It’s one o clock and the last of the pine shavings have been swept up and tossed into the rubbish bin. Two babies lost in the depths of the slowly fading mystical world of dreams, well after their regularly scheduled 8pm curtain call.
I stop outside of my boy’s door, peering through the crack of light that shows voicings well into the entry way, I stare. He’s curled into a tight knit, ball-like form, knees underneath his chest, arms sprawled out like spider limbs.
The whole scene appears cumbersome, a serious task to maintain. Such a position to keep whilst holding tightly to the position in which you lay safely inside the arms of morpheus. I was completely taxed by the mere thought.
Craft Night was in full pursuit.
5 hours prior to the storm of water color stroked gourd embalming and the kitchen floor’s shower of pine shavings, stripped off of a garage floor’s bin of scraps, I was being kept captive in the upper atrium of the MTN.
The inexhaustible audiophillc pursuit that crept in at a time that would be impossible to pinpoint has ceased to degrade in it’s manifest -destiny-esque fury.
I hole myself up inside the upper rooms, caught between a singer and a screen, making able the conversion of sound into computer chat (namely 1’s and 0’s).
“…Six…t.w..e..n..t….y……..t…….w…..o…..” I mumble to my muted senses, aware but completely unamused at the fact that there was someone else in the room, someone who might be, should be, confused as to why I was speaking to a screen.
This screen sees me.
This screen watches me age.
She teaches me.
She is my captor.
“…Ahead of schedule..That’s a good thing. “ I state to the man staring back at me, a trustee in my position to turn song into sound.
“I am going to call it for the night, let’s plan on starting again early tomorrow….”
I walked his to the door, turned to face the belly of my creation and then turned into a pumpkin.
The night prior to this my younger brother (no other type in my [personal] situation) called me around ten o clock at night. To see his name show up on my digital device was / is a rarity and I no sooner stepped outside to answer the call.
“Amigo amigo! Como estas?
Common themes of parental interactions, adventures in children, bodily workings, Utah, Nevada all took a part while we passed our words back and forth through the telephone.
The conversation steered into a parking lot of self realizing, momentary trepidations of each others lives;
“What will you do when your spouse dies?”
“How might I handle the loss of a child?”
“What kind of tree will eat me when I die?” Which quickly turned into;
“…But I will NEVER die!…..” light chuckles were followed by a small silence in the conversation.
As quickly as a bone break the themes were turned into talks of monetary momentum and the financial plans of the other. I found myself annoyed at the fact that such things could consume so much of our mental real estate. In the back of my brain I told myself that “ I am not focused on such silly things ….I am ALL ABOUT the memory and moment of the current state..”
Inside my brain, there, front lawn sprawled boy, I caught a flicker of the life that was so quickly passing me by, knowing all too well that much of my focus, albeit to my dismay, revolves around fraudulent claims of gold leading to gladness. Working extra hours to “get ahead” in my rapidly fading time.
I have tried to pinpoint, since the talk with my brother, what it was about the conversation that lead me to such a stifling self realization and discomfort. I think that the common rope that runs through all of my siblings and me (and so many others) has threads of fear that come from the king of the western world’s castle.
MONEY.
If he ain’t no king, then I must ask myself why it is that I will trade almost anything for it, including family parties, children’s activities, park visits, lover outings, friend helpings, moments that are irreplaceable, never to be relived or re-seen.
(Stopping to re-read what I wrote)
“DON’T BE DAFT, JOSHUA” (I am talking to myself again)
“Money is a necessary pursuit for every day life”
Yes, I understand that to have money is a thing of life, but it is that it can become “THE FOCUS OF YOUR LIFE”.
This fact I find appalling.
Like a leech it takes from the giver, having it’s victim unaware of his / her sleuth / secretive companion.
Change comes from seeing misfires and correcting the course.
Tonight felt like that.
A dozen beautiful people, children, friends gathered round, listened to old country records and spent an evening of reconnection, reinvention, and love.
The task was taken seriously by everyone in the room. From the gal with the birdhouse gourd to the fella with the whittling knife, turning scrap into spoon.
As crafts were getting finished and the hour was growing late I suggested that we all head upstairs for an evening dirge before all parties drove back to their respective homes. I was obliged and we all marched upstairs. Landing around the piano, we all sang familiar Christmas songs and hymns, casting in the SPIRIT of the living, forcing her presence.
Could’nuh asked for a better moment.
After all…
These nights / Craft nights are what I envision heaven TRULY looking like.
(revisitation permitted to a memory of sound below)
SOUNDS FROM ABOVE (last night)
I get caught up in my own story.
I take it easy. (Working on)
I will. (Future Me)
SLOWLY make THESE cookies.
absolutely.
PUMPKIN CHOCO CHIP COOKIES (the best)
* 1.5 C Canned Pumpkin Puree not pumpkin pie filling
* 1 C Sugar
* 1/2 C Melted Coconut Oil
* 1/2 C Unsweetened Apple Sauce
* 3 C All-Purpose Flour
* 3 tsp Baking Powder
* 1.5 tsp Baking Soda
* 3 Dashes of Salt optional
* 3 tsp Cinnamon
* 1/2 tsp Cloves
* 1/2 tsp Ginger
* 1/2 tsp AllSpice
* 1.5 Tbl Vanilla
* 2 C Semi-Sweet Chocolate Chips
1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
2. Combine the pumpkin, sugar, oil (make sure to melt the coconut oil first), applesauce and vanilla in the bowl of an electric mixer.
3. In a separate bowl, combine all of the remaining ingredients, except chips.
4. Mix just to combine.
5. Fold in chocolate chips.
6. Let the dough sit for 10 minutes. The baking powder helps the batter rise and the finished cookies are a bit smoother.
7. Using an ice cream scoop (or a spoon), drop onto a lined cookie sheet.
8. Bake for 10-12 minutes depending on size. You want the bottom and edges to have a slight golden brown and cook all of the way through.
Surely forgetting
Surely maintaining.
Joshua Fred James
