AU where i have the patience and skills to actually write the Croyle fanfiction of my dreams, and i put it on AO3, tagging Draco Malfoy as one of the main characters besides Croyle so that fans of his will click. I proceed to write every scene exactly like this:
"Vincent was about to seductively push Gregory on the bed when the brick-shaped dark-haired Beater suddenly went still.
‘Wait Vince! I think I hear Draco Malfoy coming back to give us some instructions.’
**************
The door of the dormitory slammed behind Malfoy as he left the dormitory.
‘Well, that's a solid set of instructions he just gave us,’ said Vincent. ‘Now let's go back to kissing savagely.’
Their heads crashed into each other like Miley Cyrus on her wrecking ball if she had faced a mirror in that one video."