I Now Pronounce You Captain Charming // CS & Captain Charming Fic
So, I saw a funny tweet and posted it as a prompt...but then I went and wrote the thing myself. It’s short and sweet, made up entirely of humor and fluff.
Here’s my original post. The tweet that prompted it:
“@joeheenan: 10 years ago today, I married my best friend...my wife’s still really angry about it, but me & Dave were drunk and thought it was funny.”
Enjoy this lighthearted little oneshot.
[I Now Pronounce You Captain Charming]
“Seriously? Are you seriously gonna do this every single year?”
Emma grumbled, hands on her hips as she levelled a bemused glare on her husband and leaned against the kitchen counter. Killian simply smirked, quirking an eyebrow at her as he kept the phone pressed to his ear, waiting for David to pick up.
After another few seconds of the dialtone, David’s voice finally filtered down the line.
“Killian, if you’re calling for any other reason than Emma’s gone into labor, I’m going to murder you. It’s 6am.”
Killian chuckled in response.
“Rest easy, mate. She’s standing right here with me, and our wee lad is still very comfortable where he is for the moment. I’m rather heartbroken though, that you don’t already know the reason for my call.”
David remained silent and Emma rolled her eyes as Killian tutted, feigning disappointment.
“Dave. How could you forget our anniversary? Five years, we’ve been married. Five beautiful years, and yet I feel this marriage is rather one-sided. I even arranged for your yearly gift to be delivered to you today, as usual! But it seems you’ve forgotten how special this date is, and I’m shocked and hurt by that!”
Emma groaned, shaking her head and muttering ‘idiots’ before heading towards the stairs to go and rouse their three year old daughter from her slumber.
“Goddammit, Killian!”
Even Emma had to stifle a laugh as she heard her father’s exasperated yell from across the room.
~ CS ~
It had started five years earlier. David and Killian had gone out for a “guys’ night” at the Rabbit Hole. A few drinks in, they’d been joined by Will and a couple of the dwarves, which was when things had taken a turn for the rowdy. The memories of that night were somewhat hazy for all involved, due to the sheer amount of alcohol consumed and the fact that Will had convinced the dwarves to snort fairydust.
Thankfully, there had been no lasting damage for any of them, and by the next day their fairydust-induced stupor had worn off. The hangover for them, however, was a bitch. Even worse than it was for Killian and David.
The photos and posts on social media had filled in the blanks of their patchy memories though, much to their dismay. And certainly to the dismay of their wives when they got hold of the evidence the next morning.
“Why does it look like that guy in the flamingo costume is officiating a wedding? Wait, is that you and my dad?! Killian...why are the dwarves showering you both with rice? Where did they even get rice from? Oh my God, are you carrying my dad bridal style?! And is that a Ring Pop on your finger? What the hell happened last night?!”
In response to his wife’s inquisition as she scrolled through the Facebook photos the next morning, Killian had muttered unintelligibly about tequila and Blow Jobs (which Emma later found out was just the name of a shot, thankfully). He’d then buried himself beneath the covers and refused to emerge until well after lunchtime, looking pale and somewhat sheepish when he finally did drag himself downstairs...neon green Ring Pop still on his finger.
By then, Emma had gleaned most of the details from her mother, who had all-but tortured it out of her poor, hungover father that morning. They hadn’t really thought much more of their husbands’ drunken escapades until 6 months later, when Killian had casually reminded them all about it over a family brunch at Granny’s.
David had almost choked on his bacon and stared at his son-in-law in horror, while Snow burst out laughing and Emma rolled her eyes. Killian had scooped the Ring Pop out of his pocket then and placed it down on the table, smirking and revelling in the way David’s face flushed deep red.
“I can’t believe you still have that thing.”
David had scowled, folding his arms. Killian tsk’d at him, the smirk still playing at the corners of his lips and his eyes sparkling with mischief.
“Oh, Dave, it’s a symbol of our love. I’ll treasure it forever.”
After that, Killian gleefully reminded David of their ‘anniversary’ every single year, sending a different gift each time. For their first anniversary, it was a giant teddy bear (which little Neal had acquired shortly afterwards). For their second, a hamper of David’s favorites beers and sweet treats had arrived on the doorstep, along with a giant card. The third year, it was two dozen red roses. And on the fourth year, a set of cufflinks inscribed with “K” and “D” and a keyring with a picture of the two of them, shaped into a heart.
Emma joked that he spent more time planning David’s yearly gifts than he did planning her gifts for his real wedding anniversary. Granted, she knew that wasn’t true, and the man surpassed himself year after year with the ways he spoiled her. Snow took it all in good humor too, and it provided plenty of entertainment for her and her daughter just watching how David responded so grumpily to Killian’s efforts.
The rest of Storybrooke also seemed to still glean amusement from Killian’s antics, and had affectionately dubbed them “Captain Charming”. Granny couldn’t resist joining in the fun, and every year she put on a “Captain Charming Special” - heart-shaped pancakes complete with a crown made of pineapple and decorated with Haribo rings. It was ridiculous in every way, but had somehow become a kind of tradition.
When Emma had seen what her husband had bought her father for the fifth year of celebrating their drunken sham wedding, she’d sighed and rolled her eyes, chuckling to herself as she’d waddled off to the kitchen. She was ready to pop with their second child any day, and she still had to share Killian with her father. Luckily she had a sense of humor about the whole thing.
The gift was a constellation that Killian had picked out, from a website that allowed customers to buy and name them. Of course, he’d named the constellation Captain Charming, and had picked the one shaped like a hook. He’d been quite excited about it.
But the fifth year also gave Killian something else to be excited about, and ended up being a date he would celebrate for very a different reason each year. After lunch, he was calling David again…
“I got your gift, alright? A hook constellation named after that silly name the dwarves cursed us with. Very funny. Snow is insisting we frame the certificate. So thank you very much for that-”
David had answered the phone without so much as a greeting, sounding weary but far from as annoyed as he was trying to make out.
“Dave, shut up, mate,” Killian cut him off breathlessly, “And get to the hospital...Emma’s in labor. Our little lad is on his way.”
With that, he’d hung up, leaving David and Snow to scramble to the hospital as fast as they could. Their new grandson arrived shortly after they did, and when they entered Emma’s room, Killian was sat with his daughter on his knee, helping her get acquainted with the tiny baby boy he proudly held in his arms.
“Well, this is definitely the best anniversary gift ever.”
David joked, stepping closer to the bed and leaning over to press a kiss to Emma’s forehead. Both Snow and Emma groaned in unison and Killian began to laugh heartily.
“Aye, especially considering his middle name is David…”
At that, David’s gaze snapped to Killian, his eyes widening and flickering to Emma, seemingly seeking confirmation. Emma nodded, a tired smile on her face as she moved her own gaze to her husband and children.
From then on, they celebrated a birthday instead of a drunken ‘wedding’ anniversary. And no more gifts were needed, because on that day, they’d both received the best gift they could have ever wished for.
