Few of you realize that, with my dragonesque hoard of riches, there are certain tax obligations I must fulfill. In order to keep from paying the government one red cent of its fair share from my successes, I have to pour some of my pocket change into failing businesses to offset the immense profits of Bad Cars Monthly, the monthly newsmagazine all about that beater life.
I was having trouble thinking of how to waste enough money - buy a failing hockey team? Fund a junta against a small South American government? Own an out-of-warranty Audi? Nothing was sticking, until my faithful assistant of the week barged into my office, breathless, with one hell of an idea in his skull.
We would start a venture capital firm and shove money straight down the throats of every nerd that showed up with a half-assed idea for software you can run on your phone. I didn’t even get a chance to congratulate him on his fantastic idea when the mailman suddenly arrived with a few dozen Series A funding proposals. Somehow, word had already gotten out, which I think is as much due to the government tax spies recording every word I speak as the desperation of the entire industry to get rich off this gravy train before it derails and takes out downtown in a massive explosion.
I listened to their proposals, and I found out that I took naturally to playing the mogul type. Leaning back in my overstuffed leather office chair, feet up on the desk, fingers tented, I would deliver my verdict on their entire lives. Cuddlr is a terrible idea, I said, nobody wants to have strangers show up, give them a reassuring hug and pay them six bucks for the privilege. Doesn’t make sense, will never be profitable.
The next morning, I opened the Wall Street Journal in order to place it into my budgie’s cage. There, I saw the Cuddlr guys, celebrating their billion-dollar buyout by an unaccountable, unthinkably enormous megacorporation. I felt a pang of regret, but then I remembered I could probably write off the meeting on my taxes and buy that car I’d been dreaming about with the proceeds. Nothing makes you feel better about a missed investment than a Toyota Century Shinto hearse.
