The Beast
A few years ago the only opportunity I had in front of me was becoming a junkie. I spent my days having every chance in the world to start using. At first it was easy to say no, but eventually as time goes on and a persons life gets harder, saying no also gets harder. It reached the point where I would hesitate for a few seconds. I grew afraid because of those few seconds. What if they caused me to say yes? My life was becoming more and more difficult. My mind was never at ease, constantly racing. I would look at them and see how at peace they seemed. It seemed nothing ever bothered them and if it did, well they certainly didn't care. I envied that. I wanted that feeling more than life itself. The day I almost said yes was the day I knew I had to get out. I just couldn't allow myself to do that. My future was bleak and honestly, it still is, but I knew if I started, my metaphorical bed would be made. I have lost count of how many OD funerals I have been to and the thought of being one made me cringe.
Flash forward to now. I've gotten away, kind of. As long as I'm living in the place I do, I'll never get away. I'm just not near those people now. But I'm typing this for a reason. Nothing has gotten better. My future is still as bleak as it was back then. The only difference is that those opportunities aren't directly in front of me anymore. My mind still races and I still envy their momentary peace. I don't want to start using now, I just wonder what would've happened. Where would I be now? Would I have still gotten away or would I have been another OD funeral pamphlet on the already huge pile at the bottom of the dresser drawer? I have no intentions or plans of using and I hope no one reading this does either. I just want to know what would've become of me. It's a thought that haunts me every day. I just want to know that my strength wasn't in vain.
~Jo
(I absolutely do NOT condone drug use. Drugs are bad. Don't do them.)