#currently thinking

[niki-yoshhhhh]

I feel like I want to write a Levi horror fic 👀.

should i do it?

yes 🙂‍↕️

no 🙂‍↔️

Voting ended onApr 12

[whatamidoinghere413]

Revolutionary Girl Utena but it has mechs

[inverse-galatea]

quick thoughts on "grand unified theory of female pain" bc i promised myself to read critically and actually write down the thoughts i have about content i consume.

felt really seen by it. i am not a melodramatic person, but i am, and i always have been. my ex-boyfriend disdained me for crying over books we read in ap english lit. i spent a lot of high school crying over everything, every piece of media, often to the point where i'd make myself nauseous. i still do this, occasionally. i hurt, and i feel the hurt, and maybe i even revel in it.

on the flipside, i'm about to hit my 20s, and my therapist keeps having to remind me that i've been through a lot, so i should show myself some grace. i've stopped languishing in my wounds but overshot, to the point where i now refuse to process any trauma in the hopes of just being able to move on.

re: art. i haven't written any poetry since november. i've done some writing, some fanfic, some journaling. i've done a lot of work with choreography--fitting, since words seem to have failed me. fitting, too, that my last poem that i wrote and performed felt like a desperate cry for attention, that same feeling of look at my ribs, can you not see that i am struggling, that i am in so much pain? in the end, i don't think my pain was seen.

also, maybe another flipside, i've been saying i'm in my rom-com era this summer, and i mean it. i'm tired of being the girl you fuck but not the girl you date. i'm tired of "falling in love" with every boy but never really loving them. i like the fall; i struggle with the love, despite how much i want it. there's the wounds, in the way. my blood that i can't love, so how could anybody? that mental, emotional, physical, spiritual block.

so. finding a balance between acknowledging my pain and loving through it? there's a strategy i think i've developed, of feeding my pain to some beast inside of me, a thing i think of as separate but inextricably linked to who i am. last week, the homily went that if we, hasty humans, try to pull out the weeds that the devil has sown in our hearts, we will pull out the good wheat too, so we should wait for god to weed us, in his own time. in the meantime, then, what do i do with the beast?

in the meantime, listening to fiona apple and taylor swift and halsey and women who have been mocked for writing and making music about their wounds. if i can do that without shame, maybe i can start to learn to be unashamed of my own state of woundedness. i think that shame is the worst enemy of all.

[oh-katsuki]

letting urself be silly is such a slippery slope. like one minute ur just goofing around and the next you realize that you’re actually mentally ill but you’ve already ridden the silly train too far to get off. now u gotta go to the end of the line.

[yuhooland]

La paradoja de la vida: Dicen que mientras haya vida hay esperanza, pero también mientras haya vida habrá sufrimiento, siempre, inevitablemente, en mayor o menor medida.

El sentido de la vida humana debería ser reducirlo lo mayor posible, pero no lo hacemos, al contrario, hemos hecho de nuestra existencia un infierno para las otras especies y para nosotros mismos; así le quitamos todo el sentido a vivir, así le quitamos toda esperanza a la vida y la volvemos un martirio insoportable en el que la única verdadera esperanza termina siendo la muerte.

UD

[writinginthesecrettrees]

“Two queens or a king?” asked by the kid running the desk at the motel, when Dean was checking in and Sam was standing outside looking for all the world like a guilty secret Dean had picked up for the night, and it wasn’t the first time they’d been given that side-eye but it was the first time Dean felt he deserved it.

“Two queens,” is still his answer because he’s not ready to break the tension that’s been building between them since he stole Sammy away from his picket-fence future. 

The kid snorts a laugh. “Yeah, I bet,” he mutters, not quite quiet enough to ignore.

[fanonical]

what videogame should i play when i stream next week? put your suggestions/requests in now x

[blackberries45]

Sometimes life is weird and messy. It's complicated and suffocating.

Sometimes it's smooth and uneventful. Just gliding along.

Both have pros and cons. Both can leave you feeling overwhelmed as well as underwhelmed.

I hope to continue to learn lessons and grow no matter what the day brings and how life goes.