Application for the Position of Valentine
Name: Alice Lockwood. Romantic, platonic, or antagonistic Valentine?: Well, I suppose that depends. I’m always happy to be the platonic Valentine, but if you were romantically inclined, I wouldn’t be opposed. Is that unprofessional? Biggest romantic regret?: Having grief sex with my late brother’s best friend after said brother’s wake. Not my proudest moment. What’s the worst outfit you ever wore on a date, and how did it go?: Vicki set me up with one of her party friends when we were juniors. I forgot and went to softball practice like normal, but remembered at the end. I was both late and dressed in dirty, post-practice shorts and a sweaty Timberwolves tee… It didn’t go well. Do you prefer tacos or burritos?: Por que no los dos? If I had to pick, I’d say tacos. Would your exes write you a decent recommendation?: I’d like to think so, but I’m not sure someone I went on a maximum of three dinner dates counts as an ex. If we could go on a date in an alternate universe, say from a book or movie, which one would you take me to?: Harry Potter, so we can go to Diagon Alley. Check out Flourish & Blotts, grab some ice cream at Florian Fortescue’s, maybe live dangerously and take a peek at Knockturn Alley… What’s your biggest selling point?: I mean, I have really great legs, but if you want something substantial, I’d fight a whole army for your girls, even without superpowers. If you were/are a supervillain, how do you think you’d get caught?: I’d fall for the hero, get caught, and go to super jail to show my heroic love interest that I could reform. If you could wake up tomorrow with a brand new superpower, what would you choose?: Hmm, super strength and super healing are pretty great, but I’m gonna have to go with telekinesis. I’d love to be able to fold laundry with my mind. Where were you thinking of going for our date?: Well, I have two options in mind. Option one is a picnic, catered by a much better cook than I am, with a bunch of desserts. Option two is a bourbon tasting at this little micro-distillery that just opened, but option two would involve a trip out of town for the evening, so… Dinner would follow, maybe some live music. Could be fun. Who’s paying?: I’m asking, so I’ll pay. Doesn’t seem fair to ask you out, then expect you to pay when it’s my idea, now does it?
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You know what -- I’m in. Let’s do both options. Picnic first, and bring the girls -- and then bourbon. Or vice versa. If you wanna wear that outfit, go for it.
