Dreams in the Desert
On the last leg of their road trip, Buck struggles with a nightmare and panic. Eddie calls in reinforcements to help him through.
post season 9, episode 13; alternate universe-buck/tommy never broke up.
[wc: 2810; below or on ao3]
They’ve been on the road for an hour before Buck finally settles into the seat, his breath evening out as sleep overtakes him. They’d grabbed food at a fast-food joint when they first kicked off the trip, Eddie practically demanding Buck eat at least something so he could take more pain medication. The drive wasn’t going to be short – there were still a good ten hours before they’d reach California.
Eddie keeps flicking his gaze between the highway and the man slumped beside him, nerves skittering up his spine and pressing tight through his ribs, into his chest. It’s been like that since he woke up in the hospital. Since he found out Buck was missing and, unlike L.A., nobody had his back.
The thought startles him every time it appears.
Knowing he’d come so close to losing someone so important to him, someone woven so tightly into both his and Christopher’s lives. If he’d been out any longer, hesitated before ditching the cops, taken a left instead of a right…
No.
He can’t think that way. He can’t let the what-ifs take hold, can’t start wandering those alternate paths that all spiral down into the same kind of hell. If he lets himself walk down them, it’ll kill him.
Memories of Shannon, of Bobby, of Abuela flash through his mind in an instant, sharp and sudden. The image of Buck on next year’s ofrenda catches in his chest, hitches his breath and leaves goosebumps in its wake.
Eddie forces himself back into the present.
He glances over at Buck again and finds him exactly where he needs to be. Here – steady, battered but breathing. Alive.
A dull thrum pulses just behind Eddie’s eyes, his temple aching with the slow, stubborn beat of the concussion he’d been diagnosed with. It’s been a day and the fog’s cleared, but the pain insists on sticking around.
Still, it’s not the car crash that keeps him on edge.
He keeps looking ahead, pressing forward knowing what’s waiting for them back in California. Maddie and Tommy had been halfway to a helicopter when the call through from Eddie – bags packed with a plan to search the area surrounding the wreck. Desperate to find the man they both care about so damn much.
He’d convinced them to stay behind – just barely.
He told Maddie to start working on a plan for meals for the next couple of weeks and asked Tommy to get his place ready for Buck. Chimney’s voice had carried through the speaker from somewhere nearby, their would-be getaway driver and Eddie’s reluctant accomplice across the airwaves.
“Come on, we’ll make sure we have a rotation of visitors, I’ll get coverage for the guys at work,” he’d said, voice firm but kind. “Tommy, let’s save the helicopter stealing for another time we really need it.”
A soft groan from the passenger seat cuts through the quiet hum of the radio. The sudden sound startles Eddie, and he looks over immediately, his heart clenching.
A thin sheen of sweat traces Buck’s temple, the deep purple bruising against his pale skin somehow looking harsher than it did just minutes ago.
Buck’s brow is furrowed tight. In pain or frustration or both, Eddie’s not entirely sure, but he keeps ahead, one eye on the road, the other on Buck.
The groan shifts, uneven, and weight gets lost under the cries as they take flight. Buck shifts against the seatbelt, restless in a way that sends a spike of warning through Eddie’s chest. Whimpers slip between shallow breaths, soft cries dragging as his body twists awkwardly against the restraint.
“N-no…p-please…”
Words start to form under the strained sounds and Eddie’s grip tightens on the wheel as he tries not to panic. He’s been trapped inside nightmares, and the feeling is familiar but distant. He knows what it’s like to be stuck inside something unshakeable.
But he hasn’t been on this side of things – never had to watch someone he cares about fight their way through it.
They’re on a long stretch of highway carved in the middle of the desert, Arizona stretching around them in dusty bluffs and scattered cacti, jagged rock formations rising miles from the road.
A wayward car passes in the opposite direction and Eddie takes the opening to pull over.
Gravel spits beneath the tires as he guides the truck onto the shoulder, the crunch of stone under metal loud in the sudden quiet as the car skitters to a stop. He kills the engine and is already moving, shoving the door open and rounding the hood.
By the time he yanks open the passenger door, Buck’s voice is pitched higher, panic rising with it. Sweat beads along his temples and disappears into his hairline. Tears are slipping down the sides of his face, catching along the curve of his jaw.
His fists are clenched tight, one tangled in the fabric of his sweats, the other locked around the seatbelt.
Eddie doesn’t want to scare him. He doesn’t want Buck jolting awake and hurting himself even more, piling fresh pain on top of old wounds.
“Buck,” Eddie says, hands hovering but careful not to touch yet, crouched beside him. “Buck, wake up, bud. Come on.”
“I’I don’t – please – l-leave him a-alone…” Buck’s cries are turning desperate now, tears spilling down his cheeks, tiny trails of sorrow stretching over skin.
“Buck,” Eddie tries again, voice firmer this time. He reaches out, rests his palm to Buck’s shoulder – steady, grounding.
Buck had still been running a low-grade fever when they discharged him from the hospital, but his cheeks are pale and drained of color now, the only heat in him coming from the sun blazing against his back.
“Come on, you’re dreaming,” Eddie murmurs, gentler. “You’re okay. Buck, wake up.”
Buck jolts the moment Eddie squeezes his shoulder. He thrashes violently, jerking away in blind panic. Eddie lunges forward on instinct, catching him before he can slam into the dashboard.
The movement only terrifies Buck more and his eyes snap open, wide and glassy, horror flashing through them as he scrambles away.
Buck lurches forward and shoves himself out of the car, Eddie moving with him.
“Buck, hey, it’s okay,” Eddie says, arms half-raised as Buck sways dangerously on his feet.
“I-I just…I can’t–”
“You’re safe. Hey,” Eddie keeps close as Buck stumbles back against the side of the car, bracing himself on the hood as he tries to drag himself out of whatever memory still clings to him. His breathing is ragged, eyes darting wildly between Eddie and the empty desert stretching around them.
Eddie doesn’t know everything that happened to Buck out there and he hasn’t pushed, hasn’t asked. He knows Buck will tell him when he’s ready, but standing here now, watching him unravel under the brutal Arizona sun, Eddie’s never felt more unprepared.
He doesn’t know what Buck saw. What he had to do to survive. And watching Buck spiral like this, Eddie would give anything to trade places with him. To carry the weight of whatever those memories are instead.
Buck doesn’t deserve this.
Eddie’s got plenty of mistakes of his own to make up for.
Buck shudders violently, hands trembling as he grips the sweatshirt wrapped around him, even as the sun beats down on them hard. He tries to inhale but can’t quite manage it, air getting trapped in his chest as he takes small, strangled breaths.
Buck chokes, sudden and wet, stomach heaving. He lurches forward, one arm bracing weakly against the car as his body finally gives in. He retches hard, shoulders shaking with the force of it.
Eddie steadies him immediately, one hand firm between his shoulder blades as Buck vomits onto the gravel below. The sound is rough, strained, his whole body shaking with the effort.
“Easy,” Eddie murmurs, rubbing slow circles between his shoulders. “I’ve got you. Just breathe.”
Buck spits weakly after another heave, breath hitching as nausea rolls through him. His hands shake where they brace against the hood of the car, sweat dripping from his temple.
Eddie keeps steady, taking deep, measured breaths despite the pain thrumming against his own ribs.
“You’re okay. I’m right here with you, man.”
Buck swallows hard, wiping the back of his wrist across his mouth as he sags weakly against the hood, still breathing a little too fast.
His eyes finally stop darting around and land on Eddie’s face. He tries to take a deeper breath, to mirror Eddie’s slow inhale, but falters more than once. His hands are still shaking, sweat and tears colliding with kicked up dirt collecting on his ruddy cheeks.
It takes a few minutes, a few uneven tries at breathing before he finally catches a lungful of air and shudders. He scrubs at his cheeks with both hands and hisses when his fingers brush the deep bruising hidden under the dried tears. Two different kinds of pain painted plainly across his face.
“S-So-sorry,” he murmurs, teeth chattering despite the heat. “I just…I was…”
He swallows hard, face twisting with disgust. When he blinks, his gaze starts to drift again, his mind trying to drag him back under, but Eddie doesn’t let it happen.
“Hey, Buck. You with me?” Eddie asks, stepping in close. His palms settle, splayed across Buck’s shoulders.
Anger simmers, barely held behind his jaw when he thinks about the pain Buck endured at the hands of people that should know better. People who had already lost everything and still somehow chose to drag Buck down with them.
Buck nods jerkily but Eddie doesn’t really buy it, so he tries for something different. He knows how hard it can be to claw your way out of a flashback, how the world narrows until everything else disappears.
Tugging his phone from his pocket, he scrolls through his contacts and taps the name he knows can pull Buck back faster than anything else. It takes one ring to connect.
“Eddie?” Tommy’s voice comes through, tight with worry. “Is everything okay? Is Evan okay?”
Buck’s eyes shift the second he hears it, head snapping down to look at Eddie’s phone, speaker loud in the silence of the world around them.
“Hey, don’t worry, we’re alright,” Eddie says, eyes locked on Buck, counting his breaths, taking stock of the shake of his hands, the tears still streaming from his eyes. “Buck’s having a hard time, though. Thought it might help to hear your voice.”
When Buck looks up at him, he sees the pain but sees something else – gratitude, relief, a flicker of something that looks like hope.
“I’m on speaker?” Tommy says through the phone, and Eddie nods dumbly before realizing Tommy can’t see them.
“Tommy” Buck breathes before Eddie has a chance to speak up, voice thick with leftover fear and sorrow.
“Hey, Evan, yeah it’s me,” Tommy’s voice softens instantly, and Eddie can almost see it – picture the way Tommy’s shoulders relax, jaw loosening as he focuses fully on Buck. “You’re safe, you and Eddie are on your way back to us now.”
“I-I’m okay,” Buck says weakly. Eddie rolls his eyes, certain Tommy is doing the exact same thing on the other end of the line.
“You’re okay,” Tommy echoes, reassurance tucked behind each word, voice gentle. “I’m here with Maddie and Howie and the kids. We’re all waiting for you.”
Buck’s mouth quirks into a smile that disappears as quickly as it forms.
“I fell asleep,” he admits quietly as fresh tears fall. Like the words are a secret he doesn’t want to tell. “A-And I was…”
“You’re not there anymore,” Tommy says firmly. Eddie leans in to catch Buck’s eye, nods, and squeezes Buck’s shoulder again. “Eddie’s with you. I’m here. You’re safe.”
Buck slumps against the car in exhaustion, breath evening out, violent shivering easing into the occasional tremor. His eyes are tired, heavy.
“That’s it,” Eddie says. “Deep breaths, Buck.”
Leaving the phone balanced carefully in Buck’s hand while Tommy continues murmuring soft reassurances, Eddie jogs around to the back seat and grabs a bottle of water and a small instant ice pack from his bag.
He cracks the seal on the water and presses it into Buck’s hand. He takes a cautious sip and visibly relaxes.
“How’re you feeling?” Tommy asks. Eddie can hear murmured voices in the background, Maddie and Chim hovering nearby, asking how he is. All of them wanting to help but unsure how.
“I’m alright,” Buck says. This time it sounds a little stronger. Less like a lie, but still not quite the truth. “Ribs hurt.”
Eddie grimaces as he cracks the ice pack and hands it over. Buck nods gratefully, pressing it to his chest.
“I’ve got a timer for your next dose of pain meds,” Eddie says, more for Tommy’s sake than Buck’s. “We’ll see if the ice helps.”
“You want me to stay on?” Tommy asks as Buck carefully pushes himself upright. He winces as he stands, one hand braced against the car. “I can tell you all about Howie getting his hand stuck in a vending machine at–”
“It was one time!” Chim pipes in from the back and that finally earns a small laugh from Buck. It feels like a shift – an earned promise of something better, a promised end to a fragile, painful moment.
“Nah, that’s okay,” Buck says once he settles back into the passenger seat. Eddie circles the car and slides behind the wheel, starting the engine so the air conditioning can push cool air through the cab. “We’ll listen to some music.”
“You’ll call if you need me?”
“Yeah,” Buck says quietly. “I promise, I-I’m okay.”
“Okay,” Tommy says. “Thanks for calling, Eddie. I appreciate it.”
“’Course,” Eddie replies, fiddling with the vents to point them directly at Buck. “I got him, man.”
“We’ll see you soon,” Maddie shouts from the other end, and Tommy chuckles.
“We’ll see you soon,” he echoes.
“Love you,” Buck says softly. Tommy answers just as easily.
The rest of the drive is easy…well, easier. Buck sips water slowly, presses the cold pack to his ribs and reclines the seat just a hair. He doesn’t fall asleep again, doesn’t let himself, even though he looks exhausted.
Eddie doesn’t push, doesn’t pry. Instead, he lets Buck take charge of the radio and makes sure to grab his favorite snack next time they stop for gas.
When they finally pull into the driveway at the Han’s, Buck’s family is already waiting outside, barely holding back from sprinting towards the car when the engine sputters to a stop.
Buck groans when he hauls himself out of the passenger seat, Chim already reaching for Buck’s bag after giving Eddie a tight hug.
Tommy hangs back. He lets Maddie reach Buck first, watches them slowly collide in a hug that means more to them than anyone could fully understand – the pain and sorrow of almost-loss not new to them.
Maddie’s crying before they even touch, and Buck is too. The moment feels so private that Eddie instinctively turns away, giving them space. Maddie whispers something in Buck’s ear and Buck nods, clutching her tighter.
Chim heads toward the door but pauses to pull Buck into a quick hug, eyes shining with tears he’s trying not to let fall. Tommy glances at Eddie and nods. Eddie does the same before Tommy finally steps forward.
There’s something measured, careful, about the way Tommy gathers Buck into his arms. It’s filled with love so transparent and easy, devotion that’s louder than any words. Buck melts against him, eyes sliding closed as silent tears stream down his cheeks.
It’s everything, all at once. Every possibility, every could’ve, should’ve, would’ve – every what if? and fractured pieces of alternate terrifying versions of what happened.
And somehow, in the middle of all that, the moment is simple. Just the two of them, holding onto one another so tightly it would be impossible to tear them apart.
Simple but profound. Love swallowing pain whole.
Buck finally looks…calm. For the first time since they locked eyes in the middle of the desert, Eddie can feel himself breathe. Eddie knows, with Tommy at Buck’s side, he’ll make it through this.
It’s that relief that finally allows him let go, relinquish the task of keeping Buck safe to Tommy before climbing back into the car. It carries him through the goodbyes and the quiet promises of seeing each other soon.
Carries him back to his home, his safety – Christopher. To pull his son into his arms and feel the solid comfort of being together again. They’ll make it through this too.
All of them will, one way or another. Kicking and screaming if they have to.
Because none of them are doing it alone – their families will make sure of that every time.
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