Guess what I did instead of working on that Shobbs fic?
So instead of writing that fic I promised @thefuckingwarship, I compiled a list! A list that is fueled by my love for Jason Statham. But this is not a typical “actor crush” where I think an actor is hot or charming. This is what I call a “dad crush” where I often find myself wishing his badass characters would be my dad. It probably has to do with the fact that he spends two movies bonding with little Chinese girls. As a former little Chinese girl, I am very affected. So I made a list, with notes, ranking every character I’ve seen him play in order of my dad preference. Please feel free to add to this or disagree with me. I’d love to hear other people’s opinions on his dad potential. (I’ll get back to working on that fic I swear!)
Metrics:
Ranking: My order of preference for how much I want them to be my dad. Not necessarily logical. Not fully based on other ratings.
Fun factor: how much fun you have when you are with him. How funny/cool they are. Does not indicate care/ reliability/ bond.
Dad factor: reliability. emotional availability. protectiveness. General dad qualities.
1. Jonas Taylor - charming and good with kids. Not an “emotionally stunted tough guy”. Has good healthy relationships with everyone. Lives in a world where it’s “take your kids to work day” every day, which means awesome ocean adventures and learning how to fight sharks. Fun Factor: 10/10 Dad Factor: 9/10
2. Phil Broker - Like Jonas, he is also good with kids, emotionally available and balanced. Stay at home dad, with dad powers at 1000%. Will rescue you single-handedly from kidnappers. Will go horseback riding with you after school. Will do literally anything for you, from kicking asses to licking boots. Loses first place to Jonas because he has no personality/hobbies outside of being the best dad ever. I can see the relationship being a little suffocating as you grow older. Won’t take you on cool adventures like fighting biker gangs and blowing up meth labs, because he’s too protective. :( Fun Factor: 7/10 Dad Factor: 100/10
3. Luke Wright - Cool, laid back dad. Treats you as an equal. Will respect your autonomy and intelligence. Happy to let you spread your wings, but always there to catch you when you fall. Will run your enemies over with a car several times. Fun Factor: 7/10 Dad Factor: 10/10
4. Deckard Shaw - Displayed a lot of cool uncle vibes with baby Brian, so definitely great with kids. Psycho-bananas for family. Probably will be a very involved and protective dad. Unlike Phil, who completely divorces himself from his job to be a dad, being a badass assassin is basically the Shaw family business. You will learn how to make bombs and kill people. Will have many cool adventures saving the world. Fun Factor: 15/10 Dad Factor: 8/10
5. Jensen Ames - Good solid family man type. Works hard to provide for you. Breaks out of jail and murders people to get daughter back. Will raise you in a dystopian Mexican junkyard. Fun Factor: 2/10 Dad Factor: 9/10
6. Rick Ford - Most embarrassing dad ever! You will probably not survive past puberty because you would have died of embarrassment at some point. Will tackle being a dad with as much intensity and enthusiasm as everything else. Honestly kind of cute in his earnestness. Fun Factor: 4/10 Dad Factor: 11/10
7. Danny Bryce - Emotionally stunted tough guy. Is responsible and competent. Like Phil, he leaves his badassery behind for his family, so no awesome adventures. :( Cares about you in his own gruff way, but has trouble expressing it probably. You can always depend on him. Fun Factor: 4/10 Dad Factor: 7/10
8. Turkish - Great sense of humour, cool dude, seems like a good time to be around. Hustling to make a living and provide for you. Lost to Danny because he is a little bumbling and not very competent. You might lose your dad because he got killed by gangsters or arrested by the police. Fun Factor: 7/10 Dad Factor: 6/10
9. Lee Christmas - Lee seems like a cool dude too. Not around a lot, but shows a genuine desire for family (i.e. the Lacy debacle). Would treasure his relationship with you. You’ll have a good time whenever he is around, but he would be gone for months at a time. Expect to have 20 badass, doting aunts/uncles. Fun Factor: 7/10 Dad Factor: 4/10
10. Quentin Connors - Intelligent and competent. He has a sense of loyalty but ultimately is selfish and a little narcissistic. Not a good man. But he does have one billion dollars. My moral compass kind of goes haywire from the magnetic pull of one billion dollars. Fun Factor: 7/10 Dad Factor: 4/10
11. Tony Leather - Family man with questionable priorities. Claims to be pulling jobs to provide for his family, but clearly attached to his criminal buddies and lifestyle. Disregards his wife's concerns and protests. Tony cares about his family but can’t prioritize it over the con. Good with his kids though. Fun Factor: 5/10 Dad Factor: 4/10
12. Chev Chelios- Human disaster. Trying to improve himself. Probably not a responsible dad, but will make an honest effort. Will bring you to some horribly inappropriate places. Will let you get away with a lot. Fun factor: 6/10 Dad factor: 4/10
13. Jack Crawford - Obsessed with finding his partner’s killer. You’ll always take a backseat to the case. Total disappointment of a dad. Does care about you and will try, but expect to be tossed to the side as soon as he gets a lead. Fun Factor: 2/10 Dad Factor: 3/10
14. Bateman - Loving guy. Seems smart and charming. Like Christmas, he has a longing for family and will likely treasure his relationship with any children of his. Is, unfortunately, a crackhead, therefore cannot be trusted to be responsible for kids. Fun Factor: 5/10 Dad Factor: 2/10
15. Nick Wild - Has a strong sense of loyalty and responsibility. But is also a self-destructive, compulsive gambler. Is definitely an “emotionally stunted tough guy”. Will care about you, but will not be emotionally available. Can count on him to avenge you for your murder at least. Fun Factor: 3/10 Dad Factor: 2/10
16. Bacon- Immature, deadbeat dad. Seem like the type of guy who dumps the heavy lifting of parenthood on his partner. Will be around to play with you when it’s convenient for him. More likely to hang out with his mates. Maybe 1 hour/week of dad time. Fun Factor: 4/10 Dad Factor: 1/10
17. Tom Brandt - Another entry for embarrassing dads as well as “emotionally stunted tough guy” dads. Total fashion disaster. That lumpy-ass-old-man-sweater with baggy sweatpants?!! Ewww…. No social grace or manners. Will kill you with embarrassment just like Rick Ford. Proven time and again to be prone to excessive violence. A domestic abuse case waiting to happen. Fun Factor: 0/10 Dad Factor: 1/10
18/19 Arthur Bishop/ Handsome Rob - Does not know you exist. You don’t even know their name. Your mom doesn’t know their name either. Fun Factor: 0/10 Dad Factor: 0/10 (Resurrection does not exist to me)
20. Joey Jones (Smith) - Clearly cares about his family. Provides for you. Protective too. Has debilitating PTSD. Lives in self-imposed exile. Would be a great dad if he weren’t so FUCKING SAD and full of self-loathing. Could be #4 or 5 if he got help. Fun Factor: -100/10 Dad Factor: 5/10
BONUS: Frank Martin - Ultimate responsible parent. Has a lot of rules. Tells you to take your feet off his furniture. Will complain about you getting his upholstery dirty. A constant air of exasperation. Uses “I’m going to count to three” as a threat. Will make you get to the airport 3 hours early and sit in the terminal. Will drop you off at school, appointments, and extracurriculars with military precision. Fun Factor: 3/10 Mom Factor:10/10
Thinking sadly about how one of the only reason Toby doesn't have more custody over Sasha is because he refused to put her through the same thing that he had to go through when his parents divorced; having to pick one or the other. He knew how hard it'd be on a kid cause it was awful on him and now it's too late, because even if he did go for more custody, the way Cathy must trash talk him and how bad she likely paints him would definitely get him nothing.
