her blood throbs in the pathways underneath her skin. she wants it -- wants everything -- drained; wants the blood and the tears and the toxic emotions inside of her to bleed from every aperture, every orifice, until she is nothing but bones walking and empty, cold veins. she wants to be apathy -- savage apathy -- but mona is not this. all she is is a heart that beats too loud in her ears and a little girl that’s never been good enough, whose spine is not straight enough, whose best has always been second place.
she shouldn’t be so affected. she’d always known, from the beginning, of jaewook’s lifestyle -- of luxury rotting into perfectly-moulded shapes of humans, down to their gleaming, white teeth. she’d always been aware of how the powerful, the cruel, see people like her -- like chess pawns between a game of kings.
pitifully, stupidly, so quintessentially her -- she’d thought he was different.
but men like him, they were all the same.
she’s carving out a path back towards august when, in her furious grief, she fails to notice the body blocking her path until she collides with it -- chest meeting chest, she is caught so off-skelter that her hands fly out to the stranger’s shoulders to steady herself. lips meld to the beginnings of an apology, until she catches sight of his face.
“oh, god, just fucking take me now,” she seethes -- less with the malice that was her intention and more with the gasp of a girl breathless. kang daehan -- of course. it had to be kang fucking daehan.
“i don’t have time for this. bye,” she pulls away from him like she’s been burned, twisting away from his person to try to get back to august, to safety, to security. “you are the last person i need right now.”
( sms → daehan ) why do you always do this?( sms → daehan ) why do you always leave before i wake up?
Send “✉” for a text that WASN’T SENT.
( sms → daehan ) i fucking hate you.( sms → daehan ) fucking cheater. really?( sms → daehan ) you’re filth.( sms → daehan ) i’m breaking up with you.( sms → daehan ) don’t speak to me again.
[ DELETED BECAUSE SHE COULDN’T SAY IT ]
Send “►” for a text that WASN’T MEANT FOR YOU.
( sms → 010-XXXXX ) hey, can i pick up( sms → 010-XXXXX ) oh fuck, sorry, wrong number
Send “☎” for a RUSHED text.
( sms → daehan ) 2 minutes!( sms → daehan ) i just need to find my bra size( sms → daehan ) …… okay, but why do you know it?
Send “⁇” for a DRUNK text.
( sms → daehan ) my roommates are getting me drunk( sms → daehan ) disregard everything i say tonight40 minutes later.( sms → daehan ) i think i lve you( sms → daehan ) *LIKE
Send “♥” for a ROMANTIC text.
( sms → daehan ) you make me happy.
Send “✿” for a SUGGESTIVE text.
( sms → daehan ) i didn’t wear underwear tonight( sms → daehan ) i just figured what was the point?( sms → daehan ) you rip them off anyway
Send “💋” for a SEXUAL/NAUGHTY text.
( sms → daehan ) no, i swear, i’m flexible!( sms → daehan ) pilates, remember?( sms → daehan ) we’ll try out all the positions you want, dae
Send “ø” for a LATE NIGHT text.
( sms → 010-XXXXX ) only if you promise to leave before the morning.
Send “✘” for a HATEFUL text.
( sms → 010-XXXXX ) i wish you were dead.( sms → 010-XXXXX ) but we both know you’re fucking rotting inside already.
Send “!!” for a THREATENING text.
( sms → 010-XXXXX ) what i do with other boys is none of your fucking business.( sms → 010-XXXXX ) i’m not ‘working’ for you anymore, remember?( sms → 010-XXXXX ) don’t tell me what to do.( sms → 010-XXXXX ) you don’t have the right anymore.
Send “#” for a RANDOM text.
( sms → daehan ) is black or pink a better colour on me?( sms → daehan ) before you say it, please don’t say naked
Send “@” for a SCARED text.
( sms → 010-XXXXX ) you’re not okay( sms → 010-XXXXX ) you’re not fucking okay, kang daehan( sms → 010-XXXXX ) stay away from me( sms → 010-XXXXX ) please
Send “&” for a LOVING text.
( sms → daehan ) it’s not healthy to live so messily( sms → daehan ) don’t be like that( sms → daehan ) i’m only saying it because i care( sms → daehan ) also you’re insane if you think i’m having sex on that dirty counter( sms → daehan ) …. not again, anyway
Send “%” for a CURIOUS text.
( sms → 010-XXXXX ) have you ever felt anything at all?
Send “ツ” for an EXCITED text.
( sms → daehan ) really?( sms → daehan ) you’re taking me out?( sms → daehan ) you haven’t done this in a while( sms → daehan ) give me 20 minutes to get ready!
Send “$” for an ACCIDENTAL text.
( sms → daehan ) < SOUND.FILE >14 hours later.( sms → daehan ) oh my god is this from last night oh my god( sms → daehan ) delete this. now!
Send “↕” for a WORRIED text.
( sms → 010-XXXXX ) what was that call?( sms → 010-XXXXX ) daehan what the hell was that sound?( sms → 010-XXXXX ) fucking just tell me what the fuck is happening?( sms → 010-XXXXX ) don’t tell me you’re( sms → 010-XXXXX ) please just fucking answer me.
Send “♀” for a HEARTBREAKING text.
( sms → 010-XXXXX ) fuck you.( sms → 010-XXXXX ) fuck the way you made me feel.( sms → 010-XXXXX ) fuck the way you still make me feel.( sms → 010-XXXXX ) i don’t think i’ll ever forget you even if i wanted to.( sms → 010-XXXXX ) you ruined me.( sms → 010-XXXXX ) and you don’t even care.
it is wrath, in all its warm-blooded glory; a deep and igneous wildfire burning madly inside her chest. it fills the crevices of her spine and the ruptures in her lungs, scorching her insides and moulding her into the shape of defiance: shoulders back, neck taut, fingers itching to tear. she wants to take him by the throat, by the eyes, by his filthy, swindling mouth. she wants him to bleed; to drip blood like she is, to feel pain like she is, to break like she is.
she is not a fighter by any means. but for this, for him, she pounces. bared teeth, feral creature -- and for that moment in time, it’s like he’s never seen her more beautiful. yet evidently the boy in the bed underneath him is more beautiful still -- that is why he is there, that is why she is not, that is why everything hurts and everything is fierce and everything is dull compared to the slow-burn ache in her breast.
you liar, she hisses.
you cheater, she seethes.
i never want to see you again.
she leaves with him her fire, in the form of red scratches, brown mottles, and the sharp kiss of her palm on his cheek. she does not look back as she departs from him. her chin is up, stride is purposeful, burnt heart is trailing ashes onto the floor.
she leaves -- crying, bitter, heartless -- but with the last word.
( it does not end like this )
it ends in torrents.
it is mourning, indigo drowning in grey matter and the translucence of saltine tears. it is her bowed back and quivering knees and her crumpled frame on the floor, hands grasping for something, for anything, but finding nothing in return. she wants to reach for him, cradle his face in her shaking hands, unleash her teardrops on his brow. she wants to bathe him in her sorrow.
she is not a shipwreck any means. but for this, for him, she sinks. wretched cries, frantic touches, so many pleases and anythings -- and in that second, he thinks he’s never seen her so pliable. but the boy in his bed is more pliable still -- that is why he is there, that is why she is not, that is why everything is fading and everything is turning blue and everything is warm compared to the ice cold seeping into her lungs.
you liar, she wails.
you cheater, she cries.
i never want to see you again.
she leaves him with her tears, in the form of water trails on his skin, nail marks on the ground, and the tang of salt on his lips. she does not look back when she runs from him, wounded animal caressing her injuries, burst heart spilling forth red wreckage behind her.
she leaves -- shivering, slipping, fully submerged -- but with the last word.
( it does not end like this )
it ends in silence.
it is emptiness, seen in her bloodless white palms, devoid of all their strength. it is the hollow feeling in between her ribcage, where she knows her heart should be, but it is not. it is the way her working mind fails her. she is deaf to the moaning; blind to their united bodies; mute in response to his hateful words.
she does not say, you liar.
she does not say, you cheater.
she does not say, i never want to see you again.
instead, she closes the door.
it’s only later, when he tells her that you’re not working for me anymore, that she allows herself to scream. and yet noiselessly, pitifully, she keeps it within.
( this is how it really ends, in the quiet of her defeat )
[ text ]: Last night, I used 7 champagne glasses to empty an orange juice carton and drank none of them.
( sms → don’t answer this number ) but why?( sms → don’t answer this number ) let’s be real.( sms → don’t answer this number ) your apartment is messy enough( sms → don’t answer this number ) why you’d willingly decide to create even more of a mess if beyond me.( sms → don’t answer this number ) stop texting me these things.
it’s like time stops when she sees him. he glides through the door of her workplace like he owns it -- owns the whole goddamn world -- and mona’s lungs suddenly forget how to coordinate her own breaths. they are frozen in her throat, fusing with her heart that’s risen from its cavity in her chest into her esophagus. it’s painful, this sudden feeling of asphyxiation, but not as painful as the feelings evoked from seeing his face.
kang daehan is a black plague on her emotions and mona is powerless to stop him.
he doesn’t seem to notice her presence at first, loitering around the entrance to the room and scanning the area with what seems to be a critical, unimpressed gaze. mona tries to wither into the wall behind the countertop, praying to the heavens that he does not see her, nor anything in the vicinity that his hands can contaminate and deteriorate. she fails, of course, and she knows it once he’s in front of the counter she is now trapped behind, hands behind her back so he does not see them shaking and white.
“it’s been a while, daehan,” she manages to slip out between bitten lips and a chattering jaw. she isn’t scared -- god, no -- but she’s going to be cautious. because it is kang daehan and he is a predator if there ever was one; bared teeth behind a charming smile that gun mona will not fall for again. “i never expected to see you in a place like this. lost, perhaps?”
