TW: Mentions of suicidal thoughts
Hi, everyone.
This isn’t a post I thought I’d ever make, but I feel like I need to do this.
As of June 16th, I am leaving Tumblr, and the internet as a whole. My mental health has been getting worse and worse and worse. The internet has just been so toxic and exhausting, and I really need to take a break from it as a whole.
I’m not going away for good.
I’d rather consider this as an indefinite retirement(?) I have no plans on returning soon, but I hope you can respect my decision.
I’m so grateful for everyone who’s supported me over the past year. You guys really mean the world to me. I’ve enjoyed sharing my art with you all. After all, that’s why I started this blog in the first place. I wanted to come out my shell and make a name for myself. I wanted to share my interests, and find people who understood me.
I’ve always had trouble expressing myself. I’ve always been pretty childish. My interests were childish, and I’ve never really acted my age. People used to say I was “mature for my age”, but the more I look back, I realized they only saw me that way because I hid who I really was. I masked who I really was just to fit in, so people would like me.
I hate that I did that. I hate that I still do that. But I have this constant fear that I’ll come off as “weird” or “annoying” if people really knew who I was.
I had people in my life who had similar interests as me, but I feel like as I got older, those people grew out of those interests, while I never left them. That’s not their fault, of course, but it made me think.
Sometimes I feel like a child in the body of a teenager.
Like I’m growing up, without really growing up.
I related less and less to those around me, and I started to hate myself.
But then I started getting more online, seeing people who liked the same things I did, and I didn’t feel as alone anymore. I felt like I found a place where I could be ME.
And it was like that, for a while. I met lots of people who liked what I liked. People who had the same passion and love for their interests like me. But over time, the internet kind of consumed me. I’m gonna be honest, I’ve never told anyone this, but I felt like social media was the only thing stopping me from killing myself. I’ve had thoughts of doing it for years, but I’ve never acted on it. I just felt like I couldn’t trust anyone in my life enough to tell them how I’ve really been feeling for all these years.
But overtime, the internet was making those thoughts worse and worse. They haven’t really gone away either, I still think about it everyday. I turn 17 on July 6th. I told myself for years that I’d be dead before I turn 18. Everyday I think of different ways I could either end my life or just disappear. So that I could be a child forever.
The internet ruined me. It ruined how I saw myself, how I saw others, and I became a person I never wanted to be.
I became bitter, mean, and angry. I let hate consume me. That’s not who I am. I know that’s not who I am, and I intend to work on myself so that I can be the person I know I am deep down.
I want to thank you all again. Despite everything, you guys have been nothing but kind and supportive, even when I was at my lowest. Even with all the negative experiences I’ve had online, seeing all your support has kept me going for this long.
I’m sorry we met when I saw at such a low point in my life.
I hope we can meet again someday when I’m in a better place.
I love you all, and thank you for being in my life.
Never stop chasing your dreams. Never stop being you.
-Dagski 💜