Mar 14
Cu te 🍓 cu te 🦷..🐈🐈⬛
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Cu te 🍓 cu te 🦷..🐈🐈⬛
⌞ day 001 - 02/20/2026⌝
back at it... can't wait to see how much i improve this year!
200 days spongo
squee.. another day done , 26 aug, 2024
having a written diary has its advantages , like,, why i even wrote my diary is constant companion, yet detatchment so easy,
200 days spongo
ok, if i know my future self ... 25 aug 2024
Paddington . movie ,. part2 , i like the train sequence,,..
200 days spongo
24 aug 2024 ., Northern Territory vote,..
ah, NARNIA~ DAWN TREADER ~ on , filmed at Cleaveland,. Brisbane , australia , i've not seen it, .lol..
its no accident , that i started this time~line at precise time i needed it. at 24 post
200 days spongo
ops 23 august 2024.,,
in quora , i answered a biggest fandom q,..the order is ~ Pokemon , mickey mouse , whinnie the pooh, barbie, batman, hello~kitty.
then spiderman,. transformers, Loony Toonz , TMNT,. DORA,.
The Chains Have Been Broken
I haven't sat down to write anything in such a long time that I can't remember the last time I let my fingers freely glide across the keyboard and put my mixture of thoughts into sentences and paragraphs until there's nothing left in my soul to say. I've toyed with the thoughts over and over again recently and forgot where my love for writing went. I never have the time, I'd tell myself but what do humans have if not time?
What do humans have if not the experience to exist in this world and indulge in whatever tickles our fancy and brings about that emotion known as happiness?
What do humans have and how would I know?
I know because I am human.
I am human.
A human.
What an odd thought that might be to someone that lives outside of the confines of my mind but a relevant one nonetheless.
Since maybe 2018, I've spent a considerable amount of time scrolling through tik tok and through the silly animal videos or radical politics or children using their unsupervised internet time to try and make it big, once in a while I'll find a nugget of wisdom.
The other night, I had seen a post about someone meeting themselves in a coffee shop and described how the person they were before would meet the person they are now and how differently their lives were despite being one and the same. Somehow that put things into perspective for me for something I've dwelled on by myself for the past 18 years and counting.
I thought what would I do if I was in a coffee shop with that little girl and stared at her from across the table as I am now. The way I view myself - the way I view her - somehow changed after seeing a several second clip.
I've spent my whole life viewing her as a scared and blubbering mess of a child that could do nothing for herself except cry silently while clinging onto her stuffed animals and putting motherly traits to them just to feel a little bit of warmth even if it was a mixture of her own body heat permeating into the fabric held tightly against her and the spilling of tears and snot into it too. But, I thought had she been dropped off by my parents in that coffee shop of my imagination that she would smile with this huge dumb toothy smile from ear to ear. That quiet girl would probably talk about what she enjoyed with such enthusiasm because she wasn't sad or pitiful.
She was happy, but she was lonely.
She had the biggest heart in the room but no one to share it with.
She was alone. She just wanted someone to keep her company.
She wasn't a monster that needed to be executed or otherwise contained. She didn't need to be isolated. She needed to be understood and was failed.
But who failed her?
Was it her parents? Her teachers and caretakers? Her classmates? Her family?
Or in the end was it me that failed her?
Because of how she thought no one liked her, at such a young age with misguided wisdom beyond her years, she thought she was the common denominator in everyone treating her as if she could disappear unnoticed and unloved. I let that happen to her.
I thought it would be easier to go along with what others thought and hated her too. I shut her away, I called her a monster, a slave, a creature, a thing, a toy, etc. By the time she learned her multiplication tables, she taught herself to not feel human because it was easier than being a human and lonely but that made her the lonliest.
It wouldn't be until a few years went by that she gained a family that changed year to year but nonetheless was hers that she chose and chose her back. They taught her she was needed and noticed but still she had to convince herself of that.
After we all went our separate ways, it was hard but that's the way life goes. I continued to isolate her and through myself into wherever I thought people would need me, not want me. After putting myself through a college I never wanted to attend and into a job I thought I'd stay at forever, she was locked further and further away and I chalked that up to becoming an adult and moving away from the childish interests and hobbies that took up too much time if it wasn't resting and working.
Her and I were different and it felt like there was even a third part of me that wasn't truly me that I now had to sort out. I was a husk of myself with various voices in my head all competing to have the right idea of who I was but the one common thread was that they were sad and wanted to be at peace without knowing what that meant.
I wasn't a religious person until 2023 in an effort to be closer to the person I was ready to changed myself for to have someone by my side again after being so lonely for so long. I never thought I would become that kind of person because I was so indifferent and unknowledgeable about otherworldly things but after diving into some of it, I realized a lot.
When that little girl was seven, she was ready to end it all but stopped only because she heard a voice say "Don't do it, you're only seven and have your whole life ahead of you."
Where did that voice come from? To this day, I still have no idea because there was no one by her side fighting for her, including myself. The only other reason she didn't was because she was afraid of the pain she was too young and ignorant to comprehend.
Another time, she was crying in bed one night wishing someone would be there to hold her and put her pieces back together for once. She felt chills perfectly around her right bicep as if someone had draped their arm over her in a spooning position. She felt those chills and cried harder but somehow felt comforted. She thought it was a figment of her imagination but then why do I still remember that?
Other times I've felt something that seemed completely unlike what I would think or say but I also see signs in the world to make me think someone watches over me and guides me even when I don't fully realize.
In part of my religious study, I use the Bible app to help me pray, granted not as much as I should. In the more recent times I used it to have conversations with God, the topic was about forgiving those around you and I had a hard time understanding that at first.
Do I forgive my parents for what I went through? My family? My bullies? Those I worked with for so long to trigger a personality to further hide that little girl?
I couldn't bring myself to. It was too painful and they were my scapegoats or my reasons to use for hating myself so much.
And yet, I prayed I could heal because who knows, maybe a miracle would happen. But the damage was done and that little girl would be scarred and damaged forever since she was gone.
I thought I was right.
In spite of my modesty, I still think of myself as a clever genius.
I forgot that geniuses can be so stupid sometimes.
I don't think "forgive" is what I did but peace had come anyhow.
I've been happy. I've had time to fall back into my old interests one at a time and slowly too as if I was discovering for the first time all over again. I have a routine, I make myself relax, I try to take my weeks one day at a time.
I turned 25 this past birthday and in my delusional optimism, I wanted this year to be different. Since high school, every year to me is the year that everything changes and maybe they do but they're also not so dramatic as I make that statement out to be.
I'm 25 now, the year that the prefrontal cortex finally finishes developing. Sometimes the things I would get agitated about don't bother me because I'll find myself being more logical in my reasoning and nip that weird crap in the bud. But at 25, I've thought that I spent 25 years hating who I was simply because I thought those around me 18 years ago were right and let them control my thinking.
The truth is, I don't hate her. I don't think I ever did.
I think I just didn't know how to engage her, how to protect and defend her.
How to love her.
In that coffee shop, I learned she wasn't damaged or broken. She was sad, yes, but she had so much hope and life and dreams. She wanted to be on a stage so everyone could see her and adore her, notice her. But she was shy and was content being in smaller spaces if it meant she was safe and loved.
She loved her shows and fairytales with unbridled passion and would not hesitate to explain every detail she knew to you with that big goofy smile.
I'd sit across from her and just listen to her, smiling to myself as she did.
Our time would come close to an end as I'm usually good at keeping an eye on the clock and I would notice she would sit there slowing her words down because she wouldn't know how to end it. Maybe she would stop talking but maybe should be comfortable enough to ask a question or two.
"What happens next?"
"So much. You wouldn't even begin to understand right now."
"Will I have friends?"
"You will."
"Will I sing?"
"Almost every chance you get."
"Will I be happy?"
She'd look at me with those round brown eyes and I'd stare back with mine. I'd stand up to clear our table and she'd hop off her chair to meet me, not wandering from my side.
Before we part, I'd pat her head full of brown hair cut to her shoulders as I smile and say, "We will be."
I'd start to shed a silent tear. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for what I'll do to you in the meantime. It'll take a while but we get there. But I'm so sorry."
I don't think she'd cry. I think she would look back at me, smile never leaving her face.
"I forgive you."
That tiny thing would wrap her skinny arms around me with all her strength and smile. I'd hug her even tighter and cry.
We'd part ways but we wouldn't really be apart.
I am her. She is me.
We were never two different people.
We were never a monster.
We were human. We are human.
This whole time that never changed. But I locked her away and she never deserved that. She wouldn't hold that against me, though. She would be sad it happened but would put her trust back in me and live in the moment, something I'd never thought myself capable of.
Throughout my life, I blamed all my surroundings and internalized that hatred onto myself and onto her when it was especially hard.
When I think back to forgiveness, the one person I needed to forgive was myself. I can't change the past and what I did, what I thought, but I can heal that pain and live a good life to make up for it. I can achieve or indulge in the dreams that little girl had. I can live for her to prove to her that life was truly worth living.
She wanted to die but I find myself thinking now that I want to live.
Of course that would be tied to depression and suicidal thoughts don't just disappear. I'm sure there will be plenty of tough times ahead that I will want to run away again and take the easiest route but right now that seems so foreign to me.
A hobby I came back to recently was my love of boys' love content and tik tok has been helpful in showing me stories that interest me. One I read yesterday, Lovesick Dog, showed a sex scene where the top was handcuffed but in the heat of the moment broke the chain to finish the job and in the comments of that chapter, someone posted a picture as a joke of a generic stock image of someone in a sunset breaking chains in a similar fashion.
Just like that voice that I can only attribute to God if not my own undiagnosed mental illness(es), I felt a pang in my chest that said. "The chains have been broken."
While reading a smutty manwha, I came to a realization about myself somehow that I couldn't bring myself to believe for my entire 25 years on this earth.
These were all thoughts swimming in my head for weeks about how I wanted to join the me now with that little girl but didn't know how. That stupid stock image I saw completely by chance was the catalyst of putting that missing puzzle piece in its place.
I chained her up in the back of my mind thinking she was a nuisance but she broke free. I set her free unbeknownst to me. But she wasn't truly chained up.
She was me the entire time. She never went away, just laid dormant at best.
With what I went through in the past, I separated her from who I am now because those experiences are so different when I never should have. I see that now.
We were me the whole time.
Loving myself was a feat I never thought to achieve but as I get to know her again, she's still just as happy like a puppy running free that still loves to yap about the things she cares deeply for and throws herself into because she wants to. In these last few weeks, I find it impossible to hate her like I used to and instead care about her. Maybe if the moment is right, I don't separate us and think that I love myself and who I've become despite the hardships.
I've truly come a long way.
Of course, there's still plenty roads ahead to travel and explore but the path I've been on now, there's no reason to dwell on where I should have gone and what I should have done.
What's done is done and that's okay.
We will go hand in hand into the future with our chins held high.
We will be me to never be shut away ever again.
"I forgive you" really means I forgive myself. And I do.
"I'm sorry for what I've done to you."
"I forgive you."
We'd stay there in that coffee shop until inevitably her parents would come to get her. We would separate but she would smile as she walks out of the shop, waving to me over her shoulder.
She leaves the coffee shop because there is no chain holding her to me anymore.
She is free to go into the world for the first time in such a long time.
She can go because the chains tying her down have been broken.
Life and More
been quite a long amount of time since i have written a blog post. currently i am light headed and weak because i have found out that dua lipa and callum turner are engaged. i am not certain i will survive the night. anywho! today is Boxing Day! i went skating with my dear friend f, and because my brother is not using his car, i drove to the rink and then we went to tims together. im back home.