Dalton Big Bang day 22 - That’s What We’re Here For
Writing Masterpost, AO3 Link
Notes: Logan in therapy is a thing I care about very deeply and he needs a good therapist to help him out. Did you really think I'll write about anyone else in therapy?
"This is Dr. Blake's office," Johnny told Logan as they left the horrid medicinal smell of the office building and entered a room that could best be described as what would happen if a unicorn projectile-vomited.
Well, maybe he was exaggerating a little, but still! The walls were a light lilac color, decorated with fairy lights and childish doodles painted on colorful paper; the wall near the door had several bookcases on it, full of crafting supplies and tabletop games and books Logan didn't care to check out, and next to them was a white desk with two colorful chairs right up against the wall.
There were also a small coffee table and a light blue suede couch opposite the desk and chairs. The couch was covered with plushies and there was a soft blanket folded neatly on the armrest. That was the biggest offender in his opinion. That couch in particular.
On that couch sat a young man, about somewhere in his thirties, sipping a cup of tea and looking straight at Logan. He sported slightly messy light brown hair, in a way that still seemed intentionally so, and frameless glasses that sat high on the bridge of his nose; Logan believed that, had the glasses been different, maybe his green argyle sweater vest and khaki pants combo would look less nerdy and more… well, more like something. Anything, really.
"Dr. Blake," John greeted the man, nodding a bit as a courtesy.
"Senator Wright." His voice was calm, but as his face broke into a smile Logan could hear it change into something else. "And this must be John—"
"Logan."
"Yes, of course. Excuse me." As the therapist stood up, Logan could see him grab a cane he hasn't seen before, that until now was resting on the small table. At a closer glance, he could see the man's leg wrapped in a bandage of some sort. "It's nice to meet you, Logan. I'm Arin Blake, you can call me Arin, or Dr. Arin, or Dr. Blake if you so fancy, I honestly wouldn't mind."
"Yeah…"
"Don't fuck this one up," Johnny threatened Logan as he turned to leave. "Your psychiatrist recommended him to us. Don't make her regret it—"
"Actually, Senator, I'd rather you joined us today."
The man was already on his phone by then, but at least he didn't leave, which meant he listened probably. Still surprised at the suggestion though, which showed on his face. Logan just scowled as he went to sit on the truly offensive couch - as instructed by the doctor - and grabbed a cat plushie to hold.
A brown cat plushie, not too fluffy, with embroidered black eyes and a stupid expression.
Kinda reminds him of Julian. In a way. He's not sure which.
"In order to understand what we're working on here, I'd like to also hear your side of the story," Blake continued as he sat down in a chair in front of them. Johnny took the other side of the couch. "Can I offer you coffee, tea? Water?"
"Coffee is fine," Logan shrugged.
"To me as well."
"Just remind me for a moment, which medication are you prescribed?"
Logan may have rolled his eyes at that.
"Prozac, and I'm starting to take adderall soon."
"I see…" he hummed to himself as he got up and left the office, leaving Logan and Johnny in uncomfortable silence.
Dr. Blake's cup of tea was in a big blue mug, decorated with a print of tiny cartoon citrus slices. A clear plastic teaspoon stuck a bit over the top, and Logan inspected the little tag on the tea bag. Hibiscus apple cinnamon. Sounds fancy enough.
He just about took his phone out and started playing something when Blake came back, hopping on one leg almost, and put two disposable cups in front of them. Johnny's was a cup of coffee. His, though…
"I asked for coffee."
"And isn't this it?"
He took a sip. "It's… it's fine." It wasn't. There was too much milk, he could tell just by looking it. This was just a confirmation. "Thanks."
"So how about you both tell me why you're here?" The doctor sat back down in his chair, waiting for an answer.
"I don't know if you've heard in the news, but there was a fire at Logan's school—"
"Don't act like that's the reason we're here." Logan waited for his father to get red in the face. He always did. So he just leaned back and counted the seconds. "You brought me here because you think that everything wrong in your life is the result of me simply existing, and your only excuse to actually do it is that the people you dumped me on when you couldn't bother with keeping me around anymore can't look after me now."
"How do you think people would have reacted to my campaign if they knew—"
"Oh, come on, not everything is about your FUCKING JOB!"
"Okay, okay, Logan put that cup down." He did as he was told. After all, he can't fuck this one up, can he? "Now, without exploding on each other, please tell me what's going on."
"Logan's school burned down back in March—"
"February."
"—and he's only been getting worse since. He's always had anger issues, but since then he won't stop acting out. Usually over quite… petty things too."
Blake pushed his glasses further up, if that was even possible. "Petty things like what?"
"Like…" Johnny faltered, fumbling for words. So Logan spoke for him.
"Like that time last week when I asked if I can go visit my friend in California and you said I can't because what if his mom says no."
"Ms. Larson is a very busy woman, Logan. You can't just expect her to let you stay over because you wanted to on a whim."
"Well, I'm not five anymore, I don't think it really matters so much whether or not she can—"
"Let's stop it right there, again, Logan." Dr. Blake's stare made Logan curl up into himself. "Repeat that, now calmly."
Logan swallowed rather hard before talking again.
————
"Tell me a little about your friends," Dr. Blake asked at another meeting, about five weeks later. Logan sat on the chair closest to the desk, hugging the cat plushie again, and focused on drawing some flowers.
Lily of the valley. It was the only flower he could draw well. And isn't that just sad.
"There's Derek," he started, drawing the stems. "He… well, if he put half as much energy into caring for himself as he does for caring for me, I think the world would be a much better place. I think he's trying to compensate for this with girlfriends. It's kind of worrying, to be honest."
"But he cares for you?"
"Yeah. Sometimes a bit too much. It's… it's funny, actually, because… he really needs to work on himself. He can't fix me no matter how much he tries, because he's not some miracle worker and my mental health isn't fixable—"
"But it is treatable. And that's what we're here for."
"Yeah. I just… I find it funny, because he spends so much time trying to fix me that he's completely ignoring himself, and then he goes off and thinks having a girlfriend is a good replacement for self care. But I can't just tell him that… he'll get upset and then say it's not important and I'm just obsessing over it because reasons, and then when I get upset over not understanding he says it's my anger issues and I should be medicated."
"And why do you think he's doing this?"
This was the type of question that Logan quickly learned Blake loved asking. 'Why do you think', 'why do you feel', as if he wasn't the expert here. It was weird, having someone interested in his opinion without calling it anger issues and shutting him up, or telling him it's stupid and all that. He wasn't sure he could get used to it, but he certainly felt like he was, and it scared him.
"I think… I think he's just worried… he has anxiety, and I think he's reflecting it onto others because he doesn't know how to deal with it himself…? I know his parents don't know how to. So neither does he."
"And your other friend?"
Logan put down his pencil and picked a yellow one, throwing Blake a look.
"Julian is… he's cool. I miss him, I haven't seen him in months and he can't come over for vacation because his mother won't let him."
"Is he just cool?"
"I mean… he's one of my best friends, so… he's cool. He's very snarky sometimes… well, most of the time… and we talked about it a while ago, about why he's like this, and it was before revising my diagnosis, and he didn't really understand that I was insulting him back as a fight or flight response and he thought I was enjoying it… umm…"
Blake just pushed a mug closer to Logan. It was a clear mug, full of a bright red liquid. The hibiscus apple cinnamon tea. He made it for Logan today, as an attempt to get him to like something with no caffeine. Apparently coffee was bad for adderall. He assumed it'll be okay though.
"We're working on it now. And he needs physical therapy, so it's not like we really can do it in person, but we call each other every day and stuff…"
"You should visit him, then," the doctor suggested, making Logan snort.
"I don't think he wants me around… his boyfriend is there to keep him company. It's fine. Well… not his boyfriend. I'm not sure what they are. It's complicated, I think. Jules says they're not dating but they sure have a—"
"Dearie, are you jealous?"
He just laughed again. "Of Julian? Nope. Not in a million years. Of Sebastian? I… I don't actually know. I mean, he and Julian aren't together even if sometimes it feels like it, and Jules did say I'm his best friend and stuff, but on the other hand he makes him happy, and…"
"And being jealous is okay, so long as you put it into a healthy outlet and not into anger. Talk to Julian about it. See what he thinks and says."
"But… we talked about it… kind of… he said he's in love with me, but it wasn't at a very ideal situation, and… we agreed to not talk about it. Just… let ourselves work through it, figure out what we really feel… what he really feels… and then we'll see where we go from there."
"That's good. But ask him for clarification, okay? Don't make your head spin like this."
Logan just nodded along, grabbing a blue pencil to shade in the flowers themselves.
"So I think I'm going to visit Julian soon," he continues. "I'll ask Derek to join me too… maybe I can buy him a gift…"
"That's a nice idea. What does he like?"
"He likes… cats, and candy… maybe I can get him new sunglasses. I think he'll like sunglasses. Or coffee…"
"Is coffee a gift?"
"Expensive coffee, maybe."
The doctor just laughed. "How about starting small… what about flowers?"
"...I can get him flowers…"
"That you can. I fear we're running out of time, though." Logan looked up from his drawing, a bit disappointed. "We can keep talking about this next week too, okay?"
"Okay… sorry for wasting time like this."
"You've wasted no time, dearie. It's all good. Just remind your father to write me a check, yeah?"
————
Logan crashed on the blue suede couch and covered himself all the way up over his head the second he made it to Dr. Blake's office that day. Sure, he was still wearing his huge coat — New York was especially snowy this winter, like, much more than usual — but he didn't really want to show his face to the world, and the receptionist who asked him to wait earlier was on the receiving end of his panic attack. It wasn't fair to the others, and it just… it wasn't…
"Do you want me to make you tea, dearie?" Blake asked him, rubbing his back. He sounded worried.
Logan just nodded and whimpered.
"Okay… try to breathe while I'm gone, okay? In for four, hold for four, out for four. Think you can do that?"
He nodded again.
"I'll be right back."
As Logan waited for Blake to come back, he started crying again. Winter vacation wasn't treating him too well, between fighting with Julian back at school right before coming home and getting yelled at by his father for flirting with the son of an associate (well, the guy was pretty cute, and certainly down to fuck) and probably the cherry on top, he was late. It wasn't as bad as the others, but he was late to this appointment, and he had so much to talk about, and…
"Logan, can you hear me?" Blake asked after what felt like forever, holding his hand. Logan whimpered again in response. "Come on, let's breathe together. I'll count."
He didn't even feel how long it took before he was sitting up, a second, weighted blanket on his shoulder, drinking his tea. Dr. Blake was still there, helping wipe his cheeks with a tissue as Logan tried to calm down.
"...Julian and I had a fight."
"Okay… what was it about?"
"I… I tried talking to him again, about… about us, and our relationship, and where does our friendship go, and he screamed at me that he's tired of talking about it and that I need to stop bringing it up, that he's with Sebastian and that's it, and then I yelled back and I… I may have slapped him, but…"
"That's bad, dearie. You know it's bad."
"I know! And I hate myself, I hate myself so much for doing this! He doesn't deserve a friend like me, I'm… I'm possessive and an asshole, and he just…"
"Okay, here's where you're wrong," the doctor told him, taking one of his hands. "You're wonderful, Logan. You're a great friend, and Julian didn't tell you he hates you. He didn't say you're terrible."
"But he implied it."
"He did not. It was an intrusive thought. What did Julian say, exactly?"
"...he… he said it's, he said that he's tired of talking about it, and that… that he already has a boyfriend, so I can't... " He hiccuped.
"Exactly… nothing about you as a friend. Open your phone and call him for me, okay? I want you to talk to him, and I want to see you do it."
Logan just nodded, a bit hesitant. He fumbled with his phone, trying to avoid looking at Julian's number, but ultimately he just… did.
Julian answered at the third ring.
"Hey, Lo."
"Hey…" he sniffled a bit. "I just… I need clarification on… on something." He looked at Blake for approval, wiping his eyes with a finger. Blake just nodded.
"Sure, what's up…?"
"Just… when we… had the fight. And you screamed at me and I screamed back, and…" Logan took a second. "Jules, do you hate me?"
"...are you high right now? Seriously. Are you?"
"No… I'm in… never mind."
"Okay... Lolo, I can't hate you. You're my best friend, you know how much I love you, but sometimes I can get mad or frustrated. Just like you do." He could hear the disappointment in Julian's voice almost. "I'm with Sebastian now. I'm happy with him. I love you, I really do, but you constantly asking me if I'm sure I'm happy and if we can give it a chance is getting tiring. I'm sorry, but it's getting really difficult."
"I… I'm sorry… Jules, I—"
"I accept your apology. I'm not mad at you, you don't have to get so anxious about this. You're starting to act like Derek."
"I'm still sorry…" he could finally take a breath, looking at his therapist for approval again. "That's… that's all I… I'm just in therapy, and…"
"Okay… go back to therapy. Don't waste time talking to me. I love you."
"Yeah… me too."
Logan hung up after that and turned to sip his tea, which has now cooled down.
And then the doctor spoke. "I'm proud of you. You don't need to apologize so much, you're doing just fine, but you did great. I'm so proud."
"Thanks." Logan forced a smile.
Maybe… maybe things would be okay, at the end of it all. He sure hoped so.
————
"I'm going to ask Julian out," Logan announced one day, two years into seeing Blake, just waltzing into the office. He may have caught his doctor by surprise, but as he sat down and grabbed his cat plushie, Blake straightened back up and cleared his throat.
"Doesn't he have a boyfriend, though?"
"Not anymore! And he said he doesn't want a rebound but then we talked about it and—"
"Okay, slow down. Let's start from the top. Julian broke up with his boyfriend?"
Logan nodded, then started rambling — "apparently they grew apart, at least it's what he told me, but I'm kinda pretty sure Sebastian cheated on him with Blaine? Blaine is my ex, he's kinda… meh. But yeah. So they broke up, like, three weeks ago, and Jules said he doesn't want a rebound so fast after the relationship, but I can build up to it! I can… I can start talking to him about it, right?" — all while Dr. Blake listened, nodding along to what he was saying.
"...okay… we can build up to that, then. I can help you do it if you're nervous about it."
"I'm really nervous about this…"
"Okay, okay, I can help. But first, how was your week? I made you tea."
"I saw that, thank you, but…" his stomach fell. "My week was so boring… college is boring. I have an exam in two weeks that I'm not sure I'm ready for, Alex had a mental breakdown the other day that I had to help with because nobody else was around, my dad visited…"
"And how is your dad?" Logan rolled his eyes at this question. "No, no no no. You answer me. How is your dad?"
"He still thinks I'm gay for the rebellion part of it. I mean, he'll get over it, I have faith in Michelle to make him change his mind, but… he and Michelle visited, and it was really nice. I missed both of them so much. But the second he saw my friends again he started talking shit, because Drew's voice dropped a lot since the last time they met and he started making transphobic remarks and it was… it was bad. It was so bad."
"Did you help Drew out?"
"Yeah… and then my dad got mad at me and we went into a screaming match. But it's okay, Michelle… did her best to get us to talk. I think he understands it now… not the gay thing, but… the transgender thing."
"That's good…"
Logan opened his phone right before the end of the session, as Blake was reminding him to remind his father to pay and that next week they'll talk in video chat, same day same hour. He nodded along, looking through to his messages to Julian — there — and getting up and out.
Lolo: I know you said you don't want to get back at it this early, but when you're ready, wanna go on a proper date…?
Lolo: also, can we talk about something? I have an exam soon and I'm anxious as shit
He kept staring at it as he went downstairs and to his car, watching the text on the screen dance with a pain in his chest.
J is typing...
