I love my family, friends, football, jiu-jitsu, yoga, music/concerts, outdoors, animals….so many things!!! But having fun isn’t always easy.
I’m sure most people can’t even visualize the concept of ‘No Fun’. It would seem that a person ‘not being fun’ would have to be some kind of conscious decision made by any individual who has this presentation. How else could someone be so mentally challenged to not enjoy a casual or what’s planned to be ‘relaxing’ event with friends and loved ones? Those activities are meant to be ‘stress relievers’.
As I’ve already diagnosed myself as an introvert I’ve also come to terms with the fact that after being married to an extrovert for 20 years that I’m not only ‘no fun’ but really like a ‘fun sucker’ of sort. I can take a situation that is described as inevitable ‘FUN’ by the majority and feel nothing but absolute anxiety or even boredom. Parties, get togethers or any group gathering with strangers, or distant acquaintances fall into this category….I dread them. My mind races about everything going on around me and at the same time I continue to feel exhausted from having conversations that feel meaningless….It doesn’t mean I don’t like the people around me or where I’m at. I just can’t ‘relax’. I envision myself before having a ‘great time’...it just never pans out that way. All that said, my unfun-ness flows into my everyday life with people I love. Vacations, dinner dates, whatever… I will sometimes just ‘shut down’. If something comes up in my mind or in a discussion that gets my thought process going down the ‘wrong road’, that’s when I can’t get my mind to do a ‘U TURN’. I don’t rant and rave or go into some kind of meltdown. I just get quite…the ‘silence’ is my ‘happy place’.....which drives the people that love me crazy. They say things like ‘why do you do this? why can’t you just snap out of it? why do you let everything bother you?’….. Unfortunately, my brain doesn’t work like your average person. I can’t just reroute my thinking. I will perseverate over that thought…and it presents itself on my face. The ‘resting bitch face’. That person pretending to read a label on the pack of gum at a party for a ½ hr…is me.
Ugh. The fun sucker affliction. People need to understand that my disposition isn’t a choice. If I could be a different person I would be….b/c living this way is mentally draining (mostly b/c it bothers other people...explaining it over and over to people who don’t live it- just don’t ‘get it). Many people like myself medicate in social situations with alcohol, street drugs or alcohol and prescription drugs….all of which aren’t my poison. I suffer with these issues ‘as is’ and my family gets the ‘un-fun me’. Which kind of sucks b/c they don’t always understand.
At least in BJJ it’s a time when everything gets ‘turned off’. There is NO other time when my brain gets a break. When I’m asleep I dream (and create worries), when I’m awake I’m always thinking about crap all day everyday (work, home, yoga, wherever….) BUT When I train live in jiu-jitsu there is nothing in my head but jiu-jitsu and my body runs on instinct/muscle memory. It becomes so primitive it’s therapeutic. I’m not able to think about anything else. It’s impossible. If I would I’ll be choked or getting my arm broke. Trying to fight for your life is a way to get mental recovery time.
“My feelings change like the colors of the sky
My passion to love is ten miles’ high
I’m not afraid to tell you
I just have to take a mental rest and that should be alright
I have more emotion and thoughts than most people know
But silence pulls me in like the ocean’s strong under toe
No matter how much I try to change that part of me
The introvert keeps winning the battle and that’s my reality.”
