M.E. Mindful Existence @me-mindfulexistence - Tumblr Blog

Why am I Even Here?

A short story...written by someone I love probably more than myself...

A Story of Shame, Strength, and Something Greater.

The Beginning: A Barn, A Body, and A Little Girl Who Loved Both

I was born into love. Not everyone can say that, but I can. My parents -Sheri and Ron-are the kind of people who say “I love you” like it’s hello, goodbye, and everything in between. I grew up with more warmth than most fireplaces can give. I was safe. I was cared for. I was cherished.

But there was one thing I couldn’t seem to love, even then — myself.

The setting of my childhood was a dairy farm, and my world smelled like cows, felt like hay, and tasted like everything. Cookies, cheeses, homemade dinners that felt like hugs. Food wasn’t just food, it was comfort and celebration and boredom and escape. Food didn’t judge me. It didn’t whisper about my weight. It didn’t shake its head when I reached for more. It just was.

Until it wasn’t.

By second grade, my body started to grow in ways I didn’t understand, and the world — even the most well-meaning parts of it — started to notice. Pediatricians drew charts and circled numbers. They didn’t see me, they saw a problem. And they passed that problem on to my mom with prescriptions of restriction.

So she tried. She tried so hard.

She measured out snacks, counted bites, created invisible fences around the fridge. She did what they told her to do. And I don’t blame her. God, I don’t. She was doing what she thought would save me. She was just trying to keep me safe.

But the restriction only made the hunger grow — not just hunger for food, but hunger for freedom, for normalcy, for something that didn’t make me feel so ashamed of myself.

Crumbs and Consequences

Every day after school, I ran away to my grandparents’ dairy farm. There, food was abundant and rules were few. I’d eat and eat, not out of gluttony, but desperation. I was a child in survival mode, trying to get enough while I could.

At home, I learned to sneak snacks like secrets. I became an expert at hiding wrappers — under bathroom sinks, beneath couch cushions, stuffed between mattress seams. Every time someone found them, my shame grew teeth. It didn’t whisper — it screamed: What is wrong with you?

I was painfully aware of my body at all times. I knew I took up too much space. I knew clothes didn’t fit right. I knew I was “the fat one.”

And it stayed that way. Year after year. Diet after diet. Always losing, gaining, trying again. Always ashamed. Always not enough.

I stopped playing sports in high school. Not because I didn’t love them, but because I didn’t feel good enough to be on the field. I was too aware of how I looked in a uniform. Too afraid to be the slow one. Too convinced that my body was wrong.

I’ve regretted that ever since.

A Hundred Pounds and Still Empty

Then came keto. The diet. The golden ticket. The fix.

I lost over 100 pounds. The validation came pouring in — compliments from classmates, attention from boys who never looked at me before. The high was addicting.

But nothing changed inside.

I still hated what I saw in the mirror. I still believed I wasn’t good enough unless someone else told me I was. I still needed external love because I hadn’t yet learned to give myself any.

And then he came along — the boy I’d loved from afar all through high school. And suddenly, he loved me back. He was mine. It felt like a movie. Like winning. Like finally being enough.

But when you rely on someone else to be the reason you’re happy… their absence becomes your undoing.

I clung to him for four years. He was my safety, my worth, my reason. And when things were good, they were so good. But when they weren’t, I unraveled.

Pandemic, Pills, and Pain

2020 hit like a storm. The world shut down and so did my mind.

I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. Words that felt like both a curse and a key. Like finally, someone saw what was going on inside. Like finally, I didn’t have to pretend everything was okay.

But the darkness got worse before it got better. Suicidal thoughts crept in. The question started echoing louder: Why am I even here?

My weight fluctuated wildly. Medications, restriction, relapse, gym obsessions, binges, and starvation. Up and down. Over and over. My body was a battleground and I was tired of the war.

I tried everything. Everything but compassion.

The Fall and the Fracture

Eventually, the weight of everything cracked the foundation I had built on love that wasn’t mine.

The breakup felt like the earth gave out from under me. I wasn’t just losing a person — I was losing the version of myself I had shaped around them. The one who felt lovable because he loved her. The one who felt okay as long as he stayed.

And he didn’t stay.

I graduated college. Switched career paths. Started paying my own bills. I was becoming an adult. And yet… I felt like a child trapped in a grown-up’s life. Lost, terrified, drowning in expectations no one prepared me for.

The world doesn’t warn you. No one tells you how lonely it gets. How exhausting it is to try to be a “good adult.” To go to work. To pay off debt. To find a job that doesn’t make you feel like you’re wasting your life. To buy groceries and also heal generational trauma before dinner.

I missed being a kid. I missed safety. I missed not knowing how hard it would all be.

And underneath it all, the same voice still asked: Why am I even here?

The Mirror and the Monster

Bulimia didn’t happen overnight. It crept in like a shadow, offering comfort disguised as control.

At first, it felt like a solution. A secret way to undo the “damage” of eating. To stay small. To stay in control. To stay good.

But it was never comfort. It was a monster with sharp teeth and a soft voice.

And it took so much from me — my health, my peace, my sense of self. But the hardest thing it stole was my trust in my own body.

Still, something inside me whispered: You can’t live like this forever. And so, I did the bravest thing I’ve ever done.

I asked for help.

The Unraveling That Led to Recovery

Eating disorder treatment isn’t glamorous. It’s not the montage scenes in movies with soft music and breakthroughs. It’s painful. Raw. Repetitive. Exhausting.

But it’s also healing.

For the first time, I wasn’t trying to shrink. I was trying to stay. To show up. To give myself the chance to believe that life wasn’t supposed to be about scales or calories or shame.

I built a team — my therapist, my dietitian, a peer counselor, and a psychiatrist who actually sees me. They remind me that I’m not broken. That my relationship with food isn’t a flaw, but a symptom of deeper wounds.

I’m learning that healing doesn’t mean loving yourself every day. Sometimes it just means not hating yourself long enough to breathe.

The Truth About Worth

I’ve spent so much of my life believing that my value was tied to how I looked, how productive I was, how perfect I could pretend to be. But I’m learning — slowly, painfully — that I was never made to be perfect.

I was made to be real.

And the real me is soft. Scared. Smart. Strong in ways that aren’t always loud. I am made of contradiction and survival. I have been at war with myself, and yet here I still stand.

Why am I even here?

Maybe it’s to show someone else they can survive, too.

Maybe it’s to remind someone that love doesn’t live in a dress size. That healing isn’t linear. That you can have amazing parents and still struggle. That you can have support and still feel lost.

That you can lose yourself and find your way back — again and again.

The Climb

I’m not all better. I still cry. I still panic. I still have days where my body feels like a stranger.

But I also have days where I laugh in a way that feels like I’m coming home to myself.

I lift heavy weights at the gym now — not to be thin, but to be powerful.

I take deep breaths when I want to binge, and sometimes, that’s enough.

I make peace with food, one bite at a time.

I show up to therapy, even on days I want to quit.

I speak kindly to my inner child — the little girl with cookie crumbs on her face and shame in her heart.

I tell her she was never the problem.

I tell her she’s worth loving — just as she is.

The Reason

Why am I even here?

Maybe it’s to learn that I don’t need a reason.

Maybe it’s enough that I wake up and keep going.

Maybe the purpose isn’t something out there — maybe I am the purpose. This voice. This journey. This truth.

I am still becoming. Still healing. Still hurting sometimes.

But I am not giving up.

And that's enough.

One In Four

(Post By Machal Brewington)

Before you destroy me, let me tell you why...

It draws extensive attention toward celebrity abuses of power and conspiracy theories (some of which may be true). But it fails to acknowledge the more common threat.

They were raped, molested and trafficked at the hands of mommy, daddy, Uncle Jimmy and Grandpa. They were sold into sex rings by the older “boyfriend” they met on the internet.

We can talk about the millions of missing and exploited children. We should. But I beg people to see that change starts in our community - not with Epstein’s gang of sickos. Let’s take down Hollywood pedos. I’m all for it! But to see real change we have to start with OUR children.

How can you do this?

1. Get involved in the foster care community. These children are more likely to be trafficked than any other children in America.

2. Learn how to spot human trafficking. It is literally ALL AROUND YOU.

3. Have honest conversations with your children about sexual exploitation and how to avoid it. Teach them internet safety.

4. Put your money behind organizations that are on the frontlines. (A21, Free the Slaves, etc.)

5. The culture wants to sexualize children. Don’t let it. Monitor what your children watch, wear and listen to.

6. Listen to your children if they say someone makes them uncomfortable. Don’t force little Avery to hug family members if he doesn’t want to. Boundaries are GOOD.

7. Learn the psychological signs of sexual abuse. If you see a child that’s suddenly withdrawn, constantly tearful, numb, explosively angry, etc. these can be signs that something is happening to them. Let them know you support them so they’ll feel comfortable opening up to you if necessary.

8. Check the database of registered sex offenders so you know who your neighbors are. It exists for this reason.

9. Be your neighbor’s keeper. Look out for children in the community. If you see something fishy, confront it.

Let’s #savethechildren by starting in our own backyards. These babies need us to see them.

Those Who Judge Will Never Understand...And Those Who Understand Will NEVER Judge. My Story Of Regret.

“Those who judge will never understand….and those who understand will never judge.”

The last 24 years of my life I’ve been a mother and wife. I have always been focused on wanting the best for my children…and for my entire family, like every good parent does. Though I have always wanted the best for them, this didn’t always equate to doing the best. In fact, sometimes I wanted it so badly, my love or unbridled passion would do the exact opposite in effect. In hindsight, there were so many things that the kids did or that happened around the home that weren’t “worth” the anguish I put myself through , that just wasn’t worth the fight or the mental exhaustion of even worrying about. Thank goodness I have Ron, my husband. He is the yin to my yang. He is the Tums for the household indigestion, at least most of the time anyway. When shit gets shitty…he knows how to make things stink a little bit less. Me? Not as much. I’ll just let you know how stinky it is and then magnify it by 100.

How I dealt with the many issues over the years and how I dealt with the stresses of raising the kids has evolved and matured. But inevitably, after we instilled good values, taught them right from wrong while encouraging them to develop their own ideas, we had to “let them go”; Release them to make their own decisions, for better or worse. For us, that’s what being a good parent is about. Forming adults that have the innate ability to do “what’s right” on their own, and not just doing “right” because they have no other choice. Then the cards land where they land. Listen, we can only do so much to change who they are and what their choices are going to be, those choices will also change and mature…just as we have as parents. I learned this the hard way.

My youngest of all my children is now 18 years old and by far the most strong-willed, feistiest of all the bunch. She is a mini-me. Every time my other kids say “where does she get this attitude from???? Is she ever going to grow out of this?!” I reply “Yes, just give it time. That was me” as they look at me with astonishment. It’s terrible!!!! That said, Sophie has had one issue I never had to deal with. Something none of my other kids had to deal with. Obesity. She has dealt with being overweight most of her life. Since grade school she has had weight dairies, seen CHOP doctors, and trainers. The worst part about the entire thing was having me as her parent through it all. That’s truly how I feel. As a small child she would spend days up at the farm with total access to as much ice cream and candy as she wanted, then come home and hide it in her room. I would find it and guilt her about this bad behavior and expect her to change it. It became an ugly game of “where’s the loot”. I would find it and she would deny it. After limiting her time at the farm and having home sitters more often, it didn’t matter. Sophie always found food even when there wasn’t anything unhealthy to eat. The portion sizes just kept getting bigger and bigger (along with her size). Again, there I was to swoop in and spread further guilt. I’d say things like “Didn’t you just eat?”... ”Having more?”. (and more times than not, words weren’t even necessary..b/c I’m well known for giving the “stink eye” when I’m not keen on what someone is doing). Meanwhile, everyone else at the table was asking for seconds or thirds. This was all in addition to begging her to workout with me, begging her to eat less, bribing her to do x, y, z….for years and years and years.

Then came football. There was a large time frame where the boys were in high school and I’d have certain food for them because they needed to bulk up. I’d then ask them to hide it in their rooms from Sophie, as if she wouldn’t know where the pop-tarts were coming from. She would inevitably find the stash and the cycle of “find, eat, hide” continued. Ron was just in the middle with his head spinning. He always said, “Until she wants to do it for herself…she is never going to stick with anything”. Well, I couldn’t accept that. Nope, not this mom! I watched Oprah and Dr Phil. What kind of mother would I be if I didn’t fix this?! Ugh. I have patients who are 600+ pounds. I’m not going to let this happen to my kid, damn it! So, I kept at it. How intense I was flowed in waves. I cried to Ron, I cried to my other kids, and even occasionally, out of defeat, I cried to her. I felt like a constant failure and she knew it. I look back on her childhood with great regret and many tears. So much time spent “forcing”. As gingerly and tactful as I always felt I was being, it was probably like using a Samurai sword to remove a splinter. By Sophie’s senior year of high school, I can’t say I gave up, but I put it in the hands of the universe. That’s when it happened. Good things come to those who wait?

End of August 2019, Sophie says to me, “What diet will help me lose weight the fastest?” Uh…What? “Yeah, I want to lose weight for senior week and to be healthy I guess, but really to look good for senior week”. I said, I’d ask around and that’s when we decided on Keto. Not the easiest diet, but it was what was right for Sophie. Why? Consistent weight loss kept her motivated. Period. I don’t want to hear your healthy this, not healthy that BS. What she was doing before was slowly killing her. This was 100% better, so I had no issues. First month was all diet. Just adjusting. Big mood swings, initial fatigue, some diarrhea. Lots of food shopping, shakes, supplemental pills. We started out with an online kit which was helpful. Eventually things evened out and she felt great. That’s when exercise started. SHE WANTED TO EXERCISE!!!! It was what I always wanted to hear! Of course, I tried to act all calm and cool and contain my excitement but inside I was screaming “Finally!!!! My prayers have been answered!!!”. My co-worker and good friend (Laura) who also struggles with weight, would frequently give me tips (and eventually reminders) to stop being the annoying skinny mom. To let her be in control of this journey. Laura would say “Slow down when you walk! Stop making her feel like she has to run to keep up with your fast walking pace....And no matter what, stop picking at her to do more! Keep telling her how great she is doing. Don’t point out the negatives”. Initially Sophie started out doing short little workouts in her room, and then she wanted something more, so we ordered a stationary bike. NEXT, THE GYM! She was all about it!!! Almost daily…THEN COVID. Well, that didn’t stop this train...We just made an entire room the “exercise room”. H.I.I.T workouts daily, high interval intensity training, sometimes twice a day. What I see now is dedication. Not forced, not because I want it for her…but because she wants it for herself.

I have a great amount of compassion and understanding for people with weight issues. We can’t judge because we don’t truly know. It’s not just calories in and calories out, when I treat someone who is 600+ pounds it’s not because they ate too many Whoppers. I could eat the same amount as that person and NEVER have the physical ability to get that big. It’s just not that simple. It pains me to see people put others down because of their size. One bad injury and that could be you. It pains me because fat doesn’t make someone ugly.

Sophie not only inspires me at this point....she inspires others. To be better, to do better. It’s about not just diet, but consistent exercise and improving her mentality. Bettering herself inside and out. We can all do better.

The regrets....Something I just have to live with.

July 2019 top July 2020 bottom pic.....about 100 pounds later

Picture after the Memorial Day “Murph” workout at the Farm.....

#noexcuses #nevergiveup

Red Bull Gave Me More Than Wings.....My Covid Scare

Wednesday I decided to purchase a Red Bull at lunchtime with hopes it would give me a big burst of much needed energy. To my dismay after I drank this little bullet of nasty carbonation, I did not feel much different (kind of a bummer). Anyway, I treated my patients and finished the day with a routine covid test. After clocking out and checking my vital signs to triage for illness (which is standard protocol pre and post shift) I was surprised to see I had a low grade fever of 99.7. I figured this must be an error, but part of me could not help but worry a bit. What if? What if I had finally contracted RONA???? I get home and proceed to take my temp…It’s 100.1. Then I take it again, and again, and again. Every possible way I could take a temp. Now I’m starting to convince myself that I’m sick. Maybe my throat does feel scratchy? I did cough a few times today. I have constant post nasal drip (maybe what I thought was allergies is covid?!) Almost 4 mths into this pandemic (having been exposed to COUNTLESS positives), now I get it? I’m about to go on vacation in 3 days and I’m going to be sick?! Damn it!!! So I probably took my temp 50+ times. I’m texting my nurse friends from work and sending them pics of my temp. It wasn’t until about 6+ hrs later that everything FINALLY returned to normal. Why? I racked my brain and then it hit me. There was only one factor that was different about the day....The Red Bull. I Googled “Can energy drinks cause a fever?. The answer was, YES. Energy drinks raise your body temperature along with a plethora of other things. The video I attached is comical but VERY informative.

“Energy drinks, are designed to be stimulants and can give people a little edge when playing sports. They can also be dangerous because stimulants can increase body temperature and pose a hypothermia threat.”

Caffeine may increase blood pressure, body temperature, blood flow to the skin & extremities, blood sugar levels, stomach acid secretion and production of urine (it acts as a diuretic).

Common Side Effects of Niacin:Warmth, redness, or tingly skin. Mild dizziness. Sweating or chills. Nausea, burping, diarrhea.

I can’t say it’ll be the only time in my life I’ll ever have an energy drink. But I thought it was an important fact to share (esp for healthcare workers). Energy drinks can change body temperature. What we put in our body makes a difference.

FYI- Got my test results and I remain covid free.

Hellish Conditions- By Professor Doug Morris

Take the opportunity to open your heart and then open your mind to reading something that might cause mental discomfort. Why? Because it paints an “ugliness” about our tethered history, the dismantled current state of affairs and the harsh questions pondered of what it would take to improve things. Professor Doug Morris of West Chester University is the sole author, and I’m privileged that he is allowing me to share this. He is a former instructor to my son, and Zack stays in regular contact with him. They have many conversations about world affairs and discuss what can be done to facilitate mass transformation in this country. Professor Doug has a very unique resume as he has traveled all over the world and has experienced many cultures. He started his life serving in our United States military before attending college and has shared many of his experiences with thousands of people. He continues to not only educate others but also seek knowledge among anyone he comes in contact with (and truly appreciates a good political banter....no matter how different someone else’s views may be). He really defines what a “teacher” should be.

Hellish Conditions – doug morris

George Floyd was publicly murdered. We know who killed him, but there are also questions as to what killed him and why he was killed. The latter two questions are too seldom reflected upon and interrogated. We must work to understand the social, historical and cultural conditions and forces that made it possible for George Floyd to be murdered by a white policeman? And, what can we do to stop the flood of killings and the looting of black lives?

It appears that institutionalized racist terrorism has become normalized and even glorified in too much of the U.S. A dominant white-nationalist authoritarian culture has inculcated the idea that black lives are disposable as witnessed in the mass incarceration, condemnation to poverty, denial of voting rights, a long and ongoing string of murders by the police, poisoned air and water, and the crushing and disposability of, and disrespect for, black dignity.

The hyper-militarized racist state-apparatus is a punishing, predatory, and pilfering state, tending now toward neo-fascism with white supremacists in high office, an apparatus that legitimates multiple forms of assault on and pillaging of black lives and black communities. In a white supremacist culture, the monstrous terror imposed on black lives and communities becomes a source of satisfaction for some, and a source of despair, protest, outrage, and death for too many others.

This sickening and detestable stench of dehumanization seeps out of the White House on a regular basis as witnessed in the phrase: “When the looting starts, the shooting starts,” a clearly racist and ominous call for the killing of black lives and the suppression of our right to protest against injustice, inequality and indignity.

Trump cannot figure out how to live a life that is free of the oppression and abuse of black lives and communities, so he perpetuates the absurd fantasy that black lives are expendable, not equal to, and worth less than white lives. Of course, the racist oppression, plundering, violence and fantasy pre-exist Trump.

The current regime, however, is grounded in various forms of interpenetrating fundamentalisms that shut down reason and morality: neoliberal capitalism; anti-intellectualism; global militarism and imperialism; anti-science; white supremacy; hatred of blackness; eco-system destruction to maximize profits, wealth and power, etc.

Reason, morality and accountability do not work in the world of fundamentalism, because the fundamentalists believe they have found the truth – they are above the rest of us…they believe. Reason, morality, responsibility to and for one another, and struggles for dignity, democracy, and freedom, are disparagingly called “political correctness” by the morally and rationally incorrect fundamentalists.

What will it take to overcome the punishing, militarized racist state? How many murders of black men and women can we watch until all of us shout: “No more! Transformation is required!”? When 12 year old Tamir Rice was murdered, some thought that would finally cause enough people to say “No more!” When Eric Garner was choked to death, some thought it would mean: “No more!” When LaQuan McDonald was shot sixteen times by Chicago police, it was thought that now all would say “No more!” But the killing continued. Now it is George Floyd publicly lynched, and sadly, disgustingly, it seems we can say “It will happen again,” even as more of us say “No more!”

So again, people are in the streets, outraged, frustrated, agonized, protesting -- this time will it finally be enough to at least stop the killing? How much protesting and outrage will it take; how much vandalism, burning and looting will it take?

Yes, we’ve seen some devilish behavior in the street rebellions, but devilish behavior is produced by hellish conditions. Why the hellish conditions? What and who produced them? The root causes of those hellish conditions too must be interrogated, understood and overcome.

“Looting” is a peculiar word. Looting refers to ravaging, plundering, devastating, pillaging. Must we be reminded again that all too many black lives and black communities in the U.S. have been devastated, ravaged, plundered and pillaged over the centuries, and right up to the present. Too many people forced to confront hellish conditions daily, and robbed of dignity, options and life.

Any talk of “looting” should focus on that and use that focus to overcome the long-term terror imposed on black communities and black lives. For example: imposed poverty; absence of health care; mass incarceration; high unemployment rooted in outsourced and downsized jobs; poor housing; under-resourced and collapsing schools and terrible education; grim forms of malnutrition; workplace exploitation; social, political and economic inequality; police-state repression, humiliation, and murder; voter suppression; poisoning people with toxic chemicals, etc., are all forms of devastating, plundering, ravaging, and pillaging black lives and communities. The hellish conditions continue to tyrannize and inflame. We know it is happening, but too many of us look the other way.

Jogging, driving, walking, sleeping, thinking, playing, breathing while black, sitting on the couch while black are now punishable by a death sentence. How can this be? Why this hell? What about the ten times higher death rate from asthma for black kids, and the three times higher death rate from the COVID-19 pandemic for black folk?

Can we expect the police to be in the streets or hallways of power assaulting and arresting those responsible for all of this looting of black lives; will they be harassing and arresting the hedge fund managers, the big bankers, the corporate CEOs, the executives of Big Pharma, and the political system’s sycophants who together have imposed so much structural suffering and systemic agony onto black lives and communities?

Why are the police not now in the streets with the people (some are) rather than against the people? Working with the people to overcome the hellish conditions.

It is the privilege of the privileged to condemn those who violently lash out in the face of oppression, subjugation, trauma and murder. But such condemnation is sanctimonious. The moral and rational role of the privileged must be to struggle to overcome a society based in privilege, and it must be a collective struggle in solidarity with those who experience the terrors and horrors of institutional racism, economic exploitation, and social oppression.

The other side of morality and reason is immorality and insanity; that is dangerous, deplorable and destructive, and that is what we are facing from the dominant institutions of the society, personified in the president. It is time to say and act: “No more! Transformation is required!” before it is too late (and time is running out for all of us, as it has run out for George Floyd).

The rebellion in the streets must be connected to and nourished by transformative modes of education and organizing geared toward addressing and overcoming the root causes of the systemic forms of racist oppression, economic exploitation, and the looting of life and nature by the “profits at all costs” system of capital, while also imagining and constructing commendable, sustainable and viable institutional alternatives. That is the harder, but possible and necessary, step in a country often lacking in knowledge and memories of our long history of popular struggles and victories for the people.

Do we feel too hopeless and powerless, have we been made too cynical and pessimistic, or can we find hope in the collective power of the people to mobilize our collective intelligence and imagination, energy and enthusiasm, anger and outrage, courage and commitment, solidarity and support to stay in the struggle for the long-haul to not only abolish the destructive racist, classist, sexist, ecology-destroying, money-loving dominant systems, ideologies and institutions, but also to construct a meaningfully free, equitable and democratic society organized for the good of each and all? We cannot afford to lose this struggle.

Doug Morris, Ph.D

https://youtu.be/uGyFQ4I6evg

#blm #blacklivesmatter #george floyd

I rarely get a descent nights sleep anymore...and I hear this song in my head everyday. It’s like the theme song.

#covidlife #sherihockman #bjj #brazilianjiujitsu #femalebjj #savejiujitsu #Youtube

“Invent and reinvent your life...it is your life”

#Youtube

Josh Hinger’s Instagram post spoke to my heart on so many levels.

So much of jiu-jitsu is the “family”, friendships, and bonds we’ve formed with our team.....the mental therapy it provides us from our everyday grind. But even just the primal physical piece to train is greatly missed as well. To compete with one another, to conquer on even the smallest levels, to prevail in what feels like sometimes a sport of survival during a 7 minute match is something you cannot find with just any “exercise program” with social distancing guidelines or over a “zoom class”. It just can’t happen. We as a community miss contact with one another. His post is passionate and heartfelt...it may not be politically correct but when someone feels this way it’s not suppose to be. It’s REAL. ❤️

#savejiujitsu #bjjforsanity #bjj4life #bjjforever #bjj #brazilianjiujitsu #graciepa

Song · 4:54 · 2005

Fridays Mood.

Beware of those who seek constant crowds for they are nothing alone.... ❤️

#Youtube

Ignorance Is Strength...

Your ignorance is strength....and you might want to keep it that way. Because if you knew the truth, if you could see the truth, if you lived the truth, you might change your mind about the rhetoric you are spewing everyday.

If you aren’t directly working with a mass amount of covid positive patients, you have NO IDEA what this virus is all about. I’m not going to rattle off analytical statistics, media headlines, post stupid meme’s or relay nonsensical political propaganda that tries to sway you one way or another. What I am going to tell you is what I know from my actual REAL-LIFE experience. In all of my 25 years of working in rehabilitation healthcare, I have NEVER EVER SEEN an illness this contagious, this destructive and this deadly. I have never seen so many patients and employee’s get sick all at once in such a VERY VERY SHORT amount of time. This is a virus that does not discriminate based on age or race. Every single group living setting and establishment has been effected and is going to continue to be impacted on such a mass level it is catastrophic. The fact that the news has chosen to single out certain places is a disgrace. It’s EVERYWHERE. If you aren’t literally “in It”, you truly don’t know. YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND and you will not understand….and you should be THANKFUL FOR THAT. HOW ABOUT THAT FREEDOM? The freedom of ignorance (b/c your ignorance from living “in this” is your personal bliss) …..The 99% national recovery rate you keep talking about means jack shit when community living places just keep losing lives in droves. Lives that mean something to the people that love them.

Those of us working with covid patients who are fortunate enough to not get sick (few and far between)….are “living the dream” one day at a time? Are we “covid proof”? or just so over contaminated we cannot get it because of over exposure? Are we immune? I don’t know.

You may read all that and think….Wow, she must want to keep us all locked up forever. Quarantine 4-life! No, not really. I don’t think this can keep going on much longer. But how can more time be the answer either? What would more quarantine or more restrictions provide us in the long run? Will Rona just “go away”? Do we wait a year for a vaccine when the government isn’t helping with crap? Will the vaccine provide immunity or will the virus just mutate? Are humans meant to live like this? I’m not even worried about my health as much as the craziness that is going on around me.

It’s one of the reasons I can do what I do. I swim in covid daily. It sucks to come home and be a contagion to my family but the fear is gradually diminishing. The fear must subside. There must be a time sooner than later where we can choose to live in some sense of normalcy. There is a risk….when will there not be a risk? The quarantine has not been to stop Rona. The quarantine has been to buy the hospital system time. When all is said and done, Rona will still be patiently waiting.

#covid19 #covidlife #healthcarereality #healthcare #sherihockman #bjj #brazilianjiujitsu #savejiujitsu

Darker

You can not run

You can not hide

There is no safety…staying inside.

There is no closeness

only space

Rona has become that intimate embrace

Is it worth it?

Is it right?

Is it something that keeps you awake at night?

Will Rona get her way?

Ruining lives

Every single day.

She burns like a brush fire, carnage far from sight

Screams whisper past the ears

People are deaf to others plight.

Maybe you don’t care?

And that is okay….Just please know

Rona will eventually find someone you love

And make them her prey.

#covid19 #covidlife #coronalife #reality #healthcarereality

Contagion.

I can not be hugged,

I can not be kissed

Even as an introvert….

It’s a feeling that is missed.

I’m a threat to those I love,

For my touch could make them ill.

A mental sadness that lingers

A void that is difficult to fill.

An emotional purgatory,

A physical abyss

The ongoing isolation

Cheerlessness bliss.

I carry a weight

Invisible to the eye

It rests on my shoulders,

It’s the reason I cry.

A sadness stays with me

But I keep it inside

I usually take it out on those I love,

It’s not an easy emotion to hide.

I weep to myself

Overwhelmed with fatigue.

I weep out of frustration

As others listen with intrigue.

Each day feels like a week

Each hour feels like a day

Each minute that passes by,

Another person somewhere....passes away.

But I’ll keep going on

Like every good healthcare worker will do

And maybe you can understand,

This deadly virus effects more than just me or you.

#covidlife #isolation #healthcarereality #coronavirus

Hello Darkness, My Old Friend...

Thinking about everything…

Thinking about nothing at all.

What is it that wakes me up in the middle of the night?

My mind racing

Unrelenting anxiety ensues.

It is unforgiving.

A one-way ticket.

“Click, click, click, click…”

I’m on a huge roller-coaster and it’s inching up that one giant hill.

There is nothing fun about this ride.

I check the time…multiple times.

Hours to go.

Tossing and turning

Endless anticipation.

Waiting….

Waiting for what feels like an eternity,

At the top of the hill.

Restless.

An evil limbo of utter fatigue and sensory overload

Eyes wide shut.

A sickness in the pit of my stomach.

How long until the coaster drops?

The nauseating sensation doesn’t subside.

Beep Beep Beep.

The Alarm.

Swoosh.

Free fall.

My feet hit the ground.

Rona, Ready or not

Here I come.

#reality #covidlife #Truth

100 Ridiculous “Get To Know Me Questions”....And What My Husband Guessed I Said.

Need something to do? Share some “get to know me questions” with your friends and family”.

I answered 100 “Get to know me questions” alone...and then later I asked my husband what he thought my answer would be. How many did we match?

1.Who is your hero? (me) No one in particular. Anyone who stands up for the underdog, (Fights for the weaker person, feels compassion and empathy for humans and animals....but actually does something about it besides running their mouth) Ron: No one CORRECT

2.If you could live anywhere, where would it be? Somewhere very very warm, with very few people and all of my children (Ron) Somewhere warm and sunny CORRECT

3.What is your biggest fear? Losing my husband or children. (Ron) something happening to my kids/family CORRECT

4.What was your favorite family vacation? N. Carolina, time on the beach with my family. (Ron) N. Carolina CORRECT

5.What would you change about yourself if you could? Rid myself of self-doubt and anxiety. I’d be unstoppable! (Ron) To be more extroverted and outgoing. CORRECT

6.What really makes you angry? Oodles of things. People acting like the boys we took into our family, aren’t “real” family, racial discrimination, animal abuse, bullying, gender stereotypes, and religion (Ron) “Oh jez! Incompetent people” WRONG

7.What motivates you to work hard? My family and their success. (Ron) To Help others WRONG.

8.What is your favorite thing about your career? Wanting my patients to feel better about themselves and giving them an improved quality of life. (Ron) Helping people CORRECT

9.Coke or Pepsi? Coke (Ron) coke CORRECT

10.What is your proudest accomplishment? Besides my having family, getting my BJJ black belt. (Ron) being a mother CORRECT

11.When did you meet for the first time? Was it a connection? Friends introduced us at his work, Moyer and Son. Nope, no connection!. (Ron) Moyer and son, I don’t think you spoke to me. no connection CORRECT

12.Favorite TV cartoon growing up as a kid? Scooby Doo. (Ron) I have no idea, I didn’t watch cartoons as a kid, Tom and Jerry? WRONG

13.Who makes you laugh the most? My husband. (Ron) me CORRECT

14.What would you be willing to do for a million dollars? Almost anything as long as my husband was okay with it and it didn’t hurt anything else. (Ron) eat red meat WRONG

15.What did you want to be when you were small? A teacher. (Ron) heavier WRONG

16.Do you want to be buried, Cremated, have your body donated to science or do some kind of eco-friendly burial when you die? The funeral market is a scam and it’s polluting the planet! Eco-friendly method on a green burial site. NO Coffin! (Ron) eco-friendly burial, or some shit like that. CORRECT

17.If you could choose to do anything for a day, what would it be? African Safari. (Ron) nothing WRONG

18.What is your favorite game or sport to watch and play? Brazilian Jiu-jitsu. (Ron) BJJ CORRECT

19.What household chore do you like the least? Cleaning the bathroom. (Ron) cleaning in general WRONG

20.What would you sing at Karaoke night? LOVE LOVE LOVE SINGING! Sinead O’Connor, Nothing Compares To You (and about 100 more songs). (Ron) Beastie Boys, fight for you right to party WRONG

21.What two radio stations do you listen to in the car the most? SiriusXM 100, 101. (Ron) The two Howard Stations CORRECT

22.Which would you rather do: wash dishes, mow the lawn, clean the bathroom, or vacuum the house? Mow the lawn (if it’s hot outside), otherwise vacuum. (Ron) mow CORRECT

23.Favorite color? Yellow. (Ron) black WRONG

24.If you could only eat one meal for the rest of your life, what would it be? salad with lots of stuff in it. (Ron) lobster WRONG

25.How do you feel about adoption? Bring em’ on. Babies of any age! The more the merrier. (Ron) strongly CORRECT

26. Have you ever had a nickname? What is it? Sher (pronounced “Share”). (Ron) Dukers WRONG

27. Do you like or dislike surprises? Why or why not? Hate surprises. I wanna know. (Ron) no, don’t like being center of attention CORRECT

28. In the evening, would you rather play a game, visit a relative, watch a movie, or read? Ummm. Do nothing, so watch a movie I guess. (Ron) movie CORRECT

29. Would you rather vacation in Hawaii or Alaska, and why? Hawaii b/c it’s hot. (Ron) Hawaii b/c it’s warm and has beaches CORRECT

30. Would you rather win the lottery or work at the perfect job? And why? Lottery b/c then I could still work at the “perfect job” as much or little as I wanted. (Ron) work at perfect job, b/c you’d be happy and help people WRONG

31. Who would you want to be stranded with on a deserted island? My husband. (Ron) me CORRECT

32. If money was no object, what would you do all day? Create my utopia, an animal rescue. (Ron) Some kind of crap with animals CORRECT

33. If you could go back in time, what year would you travel to? 1995 (after college). (Ron) 1978 WRONG

34. How would your friends describe you? I’m not sure. Stubborn, strong willed? Sensitive. (Ron) passionate WRONG

35. What are your hobbies? Momming. Jiu-jitsu. Animal stuff. (Ron) teaching bjj and pets CORRECT

36. What is the best gift you have been given? My family. (and my jukebox that breaks all the time). (Ron) children CORRECT

37. What is the worst gift you have received? Anything that has to do with cleaning. (Ron) dryer vent CORRECT

38. Aside from necessities, what one thing could you not go a day without? My animals….esp my dog Mable! (Ron) exercise WRONG

39. List two pet peeves: My husband yelling about my animals, my kids not doing their chores. (Ron) me groping you, bad drivers WRONG

40. Where do you see yourself in five years? Wanting more kids (Ron) here WRONG

41. How many pairs of shoes do you own? idk10?, the same shoes I had 5 years ago (although I’ll replace my sneakers once or twice a year). (Ron) 10 CORRECT

42. If you were a super-hero, what powers would you have? I could be invisible. (Ron) strength WRONG

43. What would you do if you won the lottery? Quit my job and Open an animal sanctuary. (Ron) pay off all debt WRONG

44. Finish things as soon as possible or wait until the last minute? Wait until the last minute. (Ron) wait until the last minute CORRECT

45. What unconscious mannerism do you display if you are upset or uncomfortable in a situation? I become very quiet... (Ron) chew face WRONG

46. If you could go back in time to change one thing, what would it be? How I acted as a teenager. I could be pretty rotten. (Ron) not throwing poop out a window WRONG

47. If you could share a meal with any 4 individuals, living or dead, who would they be? Jim Morrison, Jimmy Hendrix, mommom, and God. (Ron) all your grandparents but especially your mommom Knipe WRONG

48. How do you feel about group vacations with other couples? That sounds awful. (Ron) not happening CORRECT

49. What's the longest you've gone without sleep (and why)? An entire day when I was young, partying all night. (Ron) 24hrs partying CORRECT

50. How Do you handle anger? I bottle it up for a while and get quiet. (Ron) not well, you get quiet CORRECT

51. Would you rather trade intelligence for looks or looks for intelligence? Interesting question! I’m already getting close to hitting the wall with looks….but I also can’t afford to lose any intelligence either. I’d have to trade looks for more intelligence. (Ron) intelligence for looks WRONG

52. How often do you buy clothes? Almost never. (Ron) not often CORRECT

53. Have you ever had a secret admirer? Probably (who hasn’t). It would be secret. (Ron) probably CORRECT

54. What's your favorite holiday? CHRISTMAS! (Ron) Christmas CORRECT

55. What do you drink when you go out for social occasions? Coke (not diet either). (Ron) water or coke CORRECT

56. What was the last thing you recorded on TV? True blood. (Ron) SNL WRONG

57. Do you prefer the live version or studio version of an album? Studio. (Ron) Studio CORRECT

58. What's your favorite type of foreign food? Mexican. (Ron) mexican CORRECT

59. Are you a clean or messy person? Pretty Messy. (Ron) messy CORRECT

60. Who would you want to play you in a movie of your life? Uma Thurman. (Ron) Uma Thurman CORRECT

61. How long does it take you to get ready in the morning? 30mins (Ron) 1hr WRONG

62. What kitchen appliance do you use every day? Dishwasher. (Ron) microwave WRONG

63. What's your favorite fast food chain? Taco Bell. (Ron) taco bell CORRECT

64. What's your favorite family recipe or dish? mommoms apple pie. (Ron) Mommoms apple pie CORRECT

65. Do you love or hate rollercoasters? Love. (Ron) Love CORRECT

66. What's your favorite family tradition? Christmas Morning Breakfast at my moms. (Ron) Christmas Eve CORRECT

67. What is your favorite childhood memory? Having baby bunnies with my dad. (Ron) I have no idea WRONG

68. What's your favorite movie? Natural Born Killers (Ron) Pulp fiction WRONG

69. How old were you when you learned Santa wasn't real? How did you find out? Devastating. I wanted to believe forever. I was forced to “not believe” at about 12. My aunt said on Christmas day “You know Santas not real, right?”. Ugh. (Ron) 8, I think your friend Dorene probably told you. WRONG

70. Is your glass half full or half empty? Half empty….just waiting for the other shoe to drop. (Ron) Half empty CORRECT

71. What's the craziest thing you’ve done in the name of love? Dating my husband was risky. (Ron) got married WRONG

72. What is your favorite chip flavor? Salt and vinegar. (Ron) salt and vinegar CORRECT

73. What was your favorite subject in school? Science. (Ron) none WRONG

74. What's the most unusual thing you've ever eaten? I’m not very daring. Seaweed. (Ron) I have no idea, you really don’t care for food WRONG

75. Do you collect anything? Unwanted animals. (Ron) records WRONG

76. Is there anything you wished would come back into fashion? Bell bottoms. (Ron) The 70s WRONG

77. Are you an introvert or an extrovert? Introvert. (Ron) Introvert CORRECT

78. Which of the five senses would you say is your strongest? touch. (Ron) You have a nose like a dog WRONG

79. Have you ever had a surprise party? (that was an actual surprise) Nope…and I don’t want one. (Ron) No CORRECT

80. Best quality and worst quality? Best-compassionate/empathetic, Worst-Too compassionate/empathetic to a fault. (Ron) best-caring, worst-caring too much CORRECT

81. What do you do to keep fit? Brazilian Jiu-jitsu but I also just exercise to not be a big lump of (Ron) BJJ and exercise CORRECT

82. Does your family have a “motto” – spoken or unspoken? I say “wrong is wrong, damn it”. (Ron) Never a wrong time to do the right thing never a right time to do the wrong thing WRONG

83. If you were ruler of your own country what would be the first law you would introduce? ALL KINDS OF RULES about limiting the use of animals for consumption. NO FACTORY FARMS! (Ron) NO killing of animals CORRECT

84. Are you a leader or follower? Leader (Ron) leader CORRECT

85. What three things do you think of the most each day? Work, family, how tired I am. (Ron) something happening to my kids, something happening to ron, or me WRONG

86. If you had a warning label, what would yours say? Proceed with caution. (Ron) warning fragile WRONG

87. What song would you say best sums you up? Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd. (Ron) someone left the cake out in the rain, AKA MacArthur Park by Donna Summer WRONG

88. What is your favorite drink? Vanilla Chai Latte. (Ron) water WRONG 89. Who was your first crush? Bo Duke (on Dukes of Hazzard). (Ron) Shaun Cassidy WRONG

90. What's the most interesting thing you can see out of your kitchen window? My chickens. (Ron) chickens CORRECT

91. On a scale of 1-10 how funny would you say you are? 6. (Ron) 8 WRONG

92. Where do you see yourself in 10 years? Working like a dog and getting no where. (Ron) here WRONG

93. What was your first job? Working at an awful pizza shop. (Ron) pizza shop CORRECT

94. If you could join any past or current music group which would you want to join? The Doors. (Ron) The dead WRONG

95. Do you believe in an after life? Yes. (Ron) yes CORRECT

96. You’ll never understand people who do what.....? Fart in front of anyone intentionally. (Ron) hunt WRONG

97. Who would i hate to see naked? Any parental figures. (Ron) parents CORRECT

98. If you had to describe yourself as an animal, which one would it be? Probably a cat. I can be affectionate one minute but turn and walk away b/c you are boring me the next. I don’t like to be told what to do…and I’m not easy to control. “Obedient” isn’t my strong point. (Ron) cat, b/c you can be a loner and snobby (or some might perceive you to be that way). CORRECT

99. What is something that turns you off about another person? If they don’t like animals. (Ron) people who are loud WRONG

100. Who knows you the best? My husband. (Ron) Me CORRECT

The end