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This is a Dan Howell appreciation post... and a bit of a rant.

Silly things first. Fuck, he's hot goddamn. Gnawing at the bars of my enclosure Dan your arms and tits were popping out of that shirt. Dan you should have stood up so we could see the slutty crop boxer waistband showing all eyes to the pussy yes MA'AM

Ok now we serious.

I've been a phannie for a long time. Sometime like 2016, I was on Tumblr under a different account pretending not to be a minor lmfao. I have always identified more with Dan than with Phil and always felt a little bit bad about that... let me be clear, Phil's lovely and I adore him, but Dan was even more than that for me. I have always been drawn to him, whether it was in a transmasc-gender-envy way, a he's-just-fucking-hot way, or in a deeper emotional way.

See, for reasons I'd not like to go into, I had a pretty fucked up childhood. Yeah. And it fucked me up in ways that made me surpress and hide all the negative feelings and basically behave like a wholesome angel goody two-shoes "AmazingPhil" persona. Which, importantly, isn't actually Phil, but that was the vibe. But Dan's vibe was different. His videos could be dark, and sad, and angsty, and sarcastic, and a bit rude, and a bit negative, and for me it was liberating. I was able to free myself a bit from my own prison of positivity, and so I guess like a feral teenager I imprinted onto Dan Howell.

I used to encounter Dan haters in the wild wild west of the internet, and just be confused. Well, and also, a little disheartened. People would call him loud, and brash, and annoying, and mean, and even abusive! Dan Howell this, Dan Howell that, Dan talks too much, he swears too much, blah blah blah, he's not the cute submissive bottom we wanted for our yaoi. To hear, in the hard launch vid and in today's vid, that he's really known this all this time, that he knows people like Phil more, that he was the one usually strapped to the wheel, is frankly devastating.

No one is totally a Dan or a Phil, not even Dan or Phil. The camera, the youtube videos, the stage shows, they all naturally exaggerate even when Dan and Phil themselves aren't trying to. While I can't say I know Dan Howell personally, I can tell you that he changed my life. Saved it, even. Probably saved a lot of your lives, too. He might seem rude to some, but he's kind in the way that really matters. The kind that leads him and his life partner to raise 200k for the Palestinian Children's Relief Fund, the kind that makes him open up about his mental health struggles and internalized homophobia to the entire world, the kind that keeps him coming back, day after day, year after year, to a life and career that seemed impossibly painful not too long ago. The kind of person that loves and doesn't let go, that says we're his favorite thing even when we say he isn't ours. The kind of guy who isn't perfect, not by a long shot, but knows that. Understands that. Still finds it in himself to be vulnerable, to be that sacrificial lamb, because he cares enough to think it's worth it. Fake idgafer, fake doomer, the person who went through *all of that* as a child first and pre-HL second, and still came out so kind on the other side.

Dan Howell, we love you.