No, you don’t have to invite the whole class to your kid’s birthday party
Confession: My daughter turned four recently, and we didn’t invite everyone in her daycare class.
She loved being the centre of attention on her big day, and certainly had enough time to prepare. The “who’s coming to my birthday” topic is a common one all year long in a group that still has a dodgy sense of time.
The class was too large to accommodate everyone at the play gym, and some of the kids were much younger or didn’t socialize frequently with her core group of friends.
The teachers gave out the invitations discreetly to the parents of those on the list, but now I’m wondering: was it wrong to exclude some of those kids?
No, says Dr. Tamara Soles a psychologist at The Secure Child in Montreal. “In general I feel like that’s not a realistic approach to birthdays.”
It’s not always affordable or practical, and it’s not always the best approach for your child either. It’s their special day, and they should be able to select the people that they want to attend. “I would shy away from the mentality of needing to invite the whole class,” she says.
Social Skills
Some schools will say that if you’re handing out invitations at school then they need to go to the whole class to avoid hurt feelings.
It’s about etiquette and social skills, says Soles. “When you’re not including everyone, how do make sure that you’re sensitive to those individuals that you didn’t invite?”
Coaching your child to not talk about it in front of the kids you didn’t invite, and making sure invitations are mailed or given discreetly rather than in front of everyone is important, she says.
And are youngsters in kindergarten to grade 3 mature enough to get that concept?
“They are,” says Soles. “How do we minimize the impact on others?
“Once kids enter school they’re really aware of the idea that other kids’ feelings could be hurt if they’re not included, and it’s never too early to start having that conversation.”
The ‘Precious Snowflake’ Syndrome
If you try to protect your child from every possible hurt, “you run the risk of children not having the opportunity to understanding all sides of it,” says Soles. “You could be the inviter, the invitee, or the person left out. And all of those are opportunities to talk about why you might be in that situation, or how you might deal with that situation.”
“Asking ‘I wonder how that person would feel if we didn’t include them,’ or ‘I wonder why you’re hesitant to include that person,’ or ‘I wonder why they didn’t invite you.’” We want to help our children navigate the road, but not pave it for them — just help them with the bumps along the way.”
Being The Odd One Out
There will be times when your child is the one who didn’t get an invite to that big birthday, and that’s okay too.
“It hurts, of course!” says Soles. “You start with just empathizing. You might want to share your experience of a time when you were not included in something, and how that made you feel. It’s an opportunity to connect with your child.
We’re not trying to protect our child from every feeling, we’re trying to help them navigate those feelings. It’s about empathy and connection, and if there is a problem to be solved then you can work on that too. If they’re having trouble getting along, that might be another conversation to have with your child.”
Dealing With The Class Bully
Soles says it’s not fair to invite the whole class with the exception of one kid, but your child also as a right to feel safe and comfortable at their own party.
She says that sometimes the other parent will call to ask why their child was excluded, and that’s a tough conversation, but “you might have to say ‘my child doesn’t feel safe with your child around because of xyz.’”
“Maybe it’s a misunderstanding, maybe it’s a pattern, either way it’s worth exploring.”
Inviting The Right Number of Guests
Some people suggest that the age of your child plus one is a good rule, but it really depends on the child.
Acknowledge your child’s personality. Some children are overwhelmed by having a lot of people, noise or activity and would prefer to have a small group.
Each child has their own sensors tolerance, says Soles, and this might mean having a smaller group.
A Teachable Moment
Talk to your child about whether there’s anyone in their class who tends to be more neglected or left out because they’re a little bit different. Maybe it’s a child with special needs or who doesn’t fit in with any of the class social groups.
Asking “what if” questions to help your child think about how others will feel is a nice opportunity to teach your child to think about others’ feelings, says Soles.
“Coach the empathy whenever possible, and birthday parties are filled with those opportunities, for better or worse.”