An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
“I’m not the one who waved a neon green thong in my face when we were on the job.”
“Well, you asked if I was going to put it on!”
Five-0 and no one else goes to a sexual harassment training seminar.
I’m posting in this fandom for the first time since March, and it was ridiculous fun. Thanks to @nade2308 and @tari-aldarion for telling me to DO THE THING when I was making jokes in our spoiler group chat. The joke that started it all, but didn’t make it into the fic.
“Steve, you were half naked in my office.”
“So? Danny, don’t you remember the time we had to do that decontamination shower? I was right next to you.”
“That does not count, Steve, and you know it. We were not on government property that time. All your bits floating in the wind like the flat at Pearl when we’re in the parking lot is not the same as you doing it when I’m trying to fill out a requisition form at my desk.”
I need help. There’s a fic out there for H50 where Danny “dies” and in his will it’s stipulated that Steve is to take custody of Grace if anything ever happens to him. I mean, it turns out Danny is fine in the end but I NEED THIS FIC PLEASE HELP.
fics that make me laugh out loud (and are tagged with ‘humor’)
Moving In (To Every Single Aspect of Danny’s Life, Including the Boring Bits like Dry-Cleaning) by westgirl
It felt wrong for Steve to sound unsure of his place in Danny’s life. His place in Danny’s life was at Danny’s side, driving him slowly insane. Steve should feel secure about that.
Love How He Obeys Me (Does Things That Just Amaze Me So) by T Verano
Worst. Genie. Ever.
Home is the Sailor, Home from the Sea by laceymcbain
“You know,” Danny starts, “when you said 'home,' I kind of assumed you meant you had a place here, or a boat to go back to, or you know, something other than an active crime scene.”
clue: four letters, ‘is a many splendored thing’ by armillarysphere
“Crosswords? What are you, sixty?”
“They stimulate brain activity, Danno. You ought to try it sometime.”
Steve doesn’t even look up from his newspaper, half-chewed pen resting at the corner of his mouth in an entirely too distracting way.
Respect Your Elders by leupagus
"Oh, what fresh hell are you," Danny sighs, leaning against the doorframe. He honest-to-Jesus doesn't have energy for anything else. Nana and Gracie are in the middle of a going-on-five-hour-long game of Monopoly, and he's rapidly losing the will to live.
Tell Me How This Plays Out by ember_firedrake
Established relationship. Danny and Steve decide to tell Chin and Kono that they are together, and it doesn’t go as planned.
Curiosity Didn’t Kill This Cat by unadrift
"I'm confused," Rachel says. "Are you two dating or not?"
Danny sighs. "You remember that thing with the cat in the box? The one that's both dead and alive?"
"Schroedinger's cat?"
"It's kind of like that."
"Okay," Rachel says. She clearly has no idea what he's talking about.
The Vertical Challenge by AlamoGirl80
Five times Danny thinks about his height, and then realizes that being "not-tall" doesn't really suck at all.
Detours and Shortcuts by zarah5
AU – Hawaii 5-0 meets The Hangover. In which Danny wakes up wearing a stranger's t-shirt. And why is there a rabbit nibbling on his fingers?
Kō by sheafrotherdon
Tag to Episode 1x12. Christmas Day, pancakes, an arms haul, and a first time.
A Jug of Wine, a Trebuchet, and Thou by Siria
In which Steve and Danny are medieval history professors.
The Care and Feeding of Recalcitrant Partners by james
Danny has an ulcer and gets married. Or maybe it's the other way around.
IHTFP by waketosleep
After Operation Make Steve and Danny Bone, Kono is no longer allowed to name operations.
Ratios, Decimals, and Percentages by fuchs
In which Steve takes an internet quiz and slowly loses his mind. Danny's okay with it.
No I in Team by leupagus, sutlers*
In which no one on Five-0 wants to act out military-themed gangbang porno. Sadly.
Smooth Operator by somehow unbroken
Danny and Steve have to go undercover. On a cruise ship.
Love’s a Battlefield (and the Navy Did Not Train Steve for This Shit) by cyerus
The Kalakaua-Kelly clan are determined to matchmake Steve. Out of desperation, Steve makes up a boyfriend named Danny.
It doesn't quite go according to plan.
Leaning on the Brakes by unadrift
The first time it happened, there was a grenade involved. That's all Danny's got to say about The Incident. It's all anyone really needs to know about it.
Steve and Danny’s first kiss was the result of someone (a perp, a stranger, the cashier at the walgreens, whatever) making a shitty comment of some sort? (allusions to homophobic language)
--
like maybe steve takes danny to a bar in some random place on the island because he used to frequent it when he was on leave. it’s popular with the navy, mostly because the drinks are cheap but strong and there’s always someone around looking for a good time, and after a long case they just need to unwind. chin and kono opted out, heading out to surf instead, but steve needs a beer, and good things never happen when he drinks alone, so he drags danny with him.
a few beers in and they’re having a good time, watching some of the seamen get their asses handed to them by the locals at a couple pool tables. there’s a football game on the tv, and danny’s tie is loosened, hanging awkwardly around the open collar of his shirt, and steve is completely relaxed for the first time in days. which is precisely when some dude decides to walk up to them at the bar and start talking.
he immediately recognizes the guy for who he is: low-level, probably on his first assignment, obviously out to impress someone and thinks he’s hot shit.
steve hates him.
so he quietly drinks his beer while danny entertains the guy by acting impressed with his (incredibly) limited accomplishments, practically cooing over the guy because danny thinks this guy’s obliviousness is HILARIOUS okay, it is miles better than anything he expected from this night.
things take a drastic turn for the worst when the guy makes some shithead comment about two guys obviously flirting with each other on the other side of the bar. steve can handle a lot of things, but that shit isn’t one of them.
“you can leave now.”
the guy seems surprised, shocked that his terrible comment would be anything other than perfectly acceptable in a military establishment, but when he tries to defend himself, steve stands up from his chair and leans into him.
“leave. right now, before i beat your ass and ruin everyone’s night.” steve moves to scratch at his bicep, knowing that when his sleeve rides up the kid will see his SEAL tattoo. he hears danny muttering behind him, something about one night, just one night where no one gets punched and right as this moron opens his mouth to reply, steve feels a hand close around his forearm, pulling him back and forcing him to turn slightly to his right.
he has about two seconds to think about what’s going on before danny’s kissing him.
before he has a chance to really participate - because honestly, steve’s been waiting for this for months - danny’s pulling away, telling the kid he needs to leave and never come back because steve will probably kill him and hawaii’s finest task force will help him hide the body. he sits back down and watches the young man as he all but runs out of the bar. steve just stands there, licking his bottom lip and trying not to grin, when he sees the two men from earlier nodding at him in thanks. steve nods back and takes his seat once again.
“you gonna explain that?” he asks, taking a long swig from his beer.
“nope,” danny replies, pulling out his wallet.
“you gonna do that again?”
there’s a small wad of cash on the bar in front of them and steve is being led toward the door. “as soon as we get back to your place, yes.”
OR
maybe they arrest someone who thinks it’s hilarious to make a joke about how fucking married they are, that it’s gross, and a whole host of really unsavory comments not fit for public consumption. they’ve already beaten the guy up enough that they’re probably really riding the line of police brutality - to be fair, he’s part of a child smuggling ring and danny really has a lot of problems with that - and any more physical violence is probably not going to be worth losing their jobs.
so steve, being the genius that he is, decides to use the guy’s prejudice against him.
he backs danny into a wall and kisses him. hard, rough, and wonderful. naturally their suspect starts complaining, yelling about how he’s going to sue, that this is some kind of cruel and unusual punishment, but then danny reaches down and grabs his ass, opening his mouth to steve, and there’s a moan coming from one of them and it’s pretty fucking great as first kisses go, circumstances notwithstanding.
when they have to present the interrogation in court a few months later they’re sitting in the room, holding hands, and watching a carefully edited video where absolutely no one makes out.
steve thinks it was all worth it.
OR
maybe one day they’re out picking some stuff up at a convenience store and they run into some older lady who clearly disapproves of two grown men doing something as simple as buying snack foods together. danny really does not have time for this, okay, he is tired and severely under-caffeinated for it only being 10am, and he needs sugar if steve isn’t going to stop anywhere for coffee anytime soon.
they pick up gatorade, a bag of pretzels for steve and a pre-made salad for steve, and a sandwich and fountain soda for danny. these are pretty standard purchases for two grown ass men who have a job to do and no time to go to a sit-down restaurant, okay, this is not a big deal.
and then the lady just has to mutter something under her breath, which danny assumes is probably not nice, and he is just. he is done.
“oh wait we forgot something.”
steve frowns. “no i think we just stopped in here for food.”
“fuel, yes,” danny says. “for after all the sex we’re gonna have when we get out of here.” if it weren’t possible to choke on air before, steve has found a way to do it.
“cherry lube, right, babe?” he asks, smiling as he sees steve turn a bright purple before turning to their cashier. “he likes a little sweetness.”
steve wheezes as danny walks away.
when he meets steve out in the camaro ten minutes later he’s feeling much better about his day.
“i didn’t know what kind of condoms to get, so i got one of each.”
steve just stares out the windshield. “you really shouldn’t joke about things you aren’t going to follow through on.”
“...who said anything about not following through?”
the day is hot already and they really do need to follow up on this lead, but if they spend 20 minutes making out in the camaro, well, no one needs to know but them. it’s not like they called their suspect ahead of time anyway.
Saw a picture and had to write it. Danny/Steve, Teen, 1.3k. Reblogs are love!
--
It’s 10am when Steve practically falls into the nearest chair he can find and takes a deep breath. He’s a cop, a former Navy SEAL, and five hours of serving coffee for charity has him feeling more exhausted than the entirety of Hell Week. His legs feel stiff from standing for so long, his back hurts from leaning over every few minutes to get more cups, and he’s just plain tired. Wrapping a case in the middle of the night and then volunteering what little spare time you have the next morning is probably not the best plan he’s ever had, but Steve doesn’t back down on his promises.
Being active in the community had seemed like a chore as a kid, but now that he’s older and has made Hawaii his home again, he volunteers every moment he can. He’d started his shift at five this morning with a little pep in his step despite having only slept for a few hours. Today’s event was to help raise money for better facilities for the people who organize and run the Orphan’s and Widow’s Fund. With all that they do to assist the grieving members of a fallen officer’s family, Steve thinks they deserve better than their tiny building with cracks in the ceiling and out-of-date air conditioning.
This isn’t the only volunteering opportunity he’s signed on for this month. If they don’t have a major case crop up in the next few days he plans to help with fundraising for Big Brothers, Big Sisters in two weeks. He can’t promise the time needed to be part of the program, but Nahele has been involved for a few months and really seems to enjoy it. Steve is always in favor of activities that make the kid happy, so when the opportunity came up to help, he immediately signed up. It’s not playing football on the beach, but they are spending more time together, and that’s what matters most.
Steve reaches into his pocket to count the money he made before he hands it over to the individual making runs to the bank to deposit their earnings. Five-0 has a bet going to see who can collect the most money during their respective shifts, and the loser has to buy a round of beers at Side Street the next time they go out. Steve is a lot of things, but a loser isn’t one of them.
He gets through the first pile of crumpled money and counts seventeen dollars. The second counts out to twenty-one dollars. The third is eleven. With almost fifty dollars total and more than half of his earnings still to be counted, Steve is feeling pretty confident about his potential victory, and it tastes like a free Longboard.
The fourth pile, however, is where things get strange.
Mixed in with a few five dollar bills and some change are two pieces of paper with phone numbers on them. Steve tosses them to the side; his ego isn’t so big that people throwing their numbers at him is a frequent occurrence, but it does happen sometimes and he rarely, if ever, keeps them, much less calls.
The fact that they’re all phone numbers from men doesn’t hit him until the seventh one.
He hits $83.75 before he gives up on counting and stares at the small mountain of white next to the neat stacks of money. A number, maybe two, that wouldn’t be totally out of the norm, but seven? Maybe even more? What the hell is going on? This is a charity event, and maybe he doesn’t have a lot of reasons to feel scandalized, but he can’t help that he actually does. There are times and places for hitting on people, and this was not one of them. Maybe he should keep these numbers, look them up, and address them in a firm yet calm manner about the proper way to conduct one’s self in certain circumstances.
Greg.
Chris.
Paul.
Kai.
Akoni.
Ben.
Makani.
“Adding to the collection?”
Steve looks up and sees Danny smiling down at him, coffee in hand. “Shut up.”
“No, really,” Danny says, gesturing at the sheets of paper. “It’s impressive. Your ability to multi-task is truly unprecedented.”
“I don’t understand what’s happening!” Steve replies, voice raised. “It’s not like my volunteering here was public record. People should be coming out here to help, not hit on volunteers!”
Danny snorts, looking as though he’s desperately trying to hold back a laugh. “You really have no idea, do you?”
“Idea of what?”
Danny sets his coffee down on the table and pulls out his phone. After typing in his password and flipping through a few files, he holds it up for Steve to read.
[A chalk board with a stick person on it that reads: Today your barista is - 1. hella fucking gay, 1. desperately single. For your drink today I recommend: You give me your number.]
Steve buries his face in his hands. “Who-- I mean-- Wh-- Wait.” He pauses for a second, staring out at the group of people congregating behind the scenes, waiting for their shifts to start. “Mary.”
“I am genuinely shocked that you didn’t catch on sooner.”
“Why?” Steve asks, watching Danny put his phone away. “I was busy. You’re the one always complaining about my one-track mind. I’m too... what was it, ‘mission oriented’?”
“I am very correct about that,” Danny replies. “But, in this case, I just thought it would be fun to watch you squirm. I didn’t know you could actually be uncomfortable.”
“It’s inappropriate, Danny. We’re trying to help those who help grieving people, and not only did Mary think it would be hilarious to post something like that where every visitor could see it, these people actually did it! I have half a mind to call them and tell them just as much!”
“And that surprises you?”
Steve can feel the vein in his forehead throbbing. “Yes, Danny, it surprises me.”
“Well, if I’m being honest, your surprises does, in fact, surprise me.”
“Why?”
Danny shifts his stance. “It is never my intention to increase the size of your already drastically large ego, but you are a good looking man, Steve. You are successful. Those who haven’t spent time up close and personal with your special brand of crazy find those to be admirable qualities.”
“Ah,” Steve says, grinning. “I see what’s going on here. You’re just jealous.”
“Yes, Steve,” Danny replies sarcastically. “I’m jealous of lonely, single men who leave their numbers for a stranger to find without even introducing themselves first. You’ve hit the nail right on the head.”
“Well then what is it, Danny? Why are we even talking about this?”
“Because,” he answers, pulling a piece of paper out of his back pocket. “Because of this.”
Danny tosses the slip of paper onto the pile, as though throwing his hat into a metaphorical ring. Steve stands there for a second, wondering if this is actually, finally happening. They’ve been dancing around whatever has been going on between them for years now, and it seemed like it was always going to stay that way, neither of them quite at the point where making a move seemed like a good idea. It was a truth universally acknowledged that Danny and Steve had something going on, abstract as it was, and it seemed like years of bickering like a married couple were finally coming to a head.
He realizes that Danny’s been standing in front of him, awkwardly, while Steve was lost in thought. Perhaps, he thinks to himself, he should say something.
“You realize I already have that, right?” he asks, sweeping all the other numbers aside.
“It’s the thought that counts,” Danny shrugs.
Steve barks out a short laugh and reaches for his own cell phone. Danny’s phone chimes a second later.
I’m still looking up those numbers.
Danny sips his coffee and smiles. “Of course, babe.”
