An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
“I’m not the one who waved a neon green thong in my face when we were on the job.”
“Well, you asked if I was going to put it on!”
Five-0 and no one else goes to a sexual harassment training seminar.
I’m posting in this fandom for the first time since March, and it was ridiculous fun. Thanks to @nade2308 and @tari-aldarion for telling me to DO THE THING when I was making jokes in our spoiler group chat. The joke that started it all, but didn’t make it into the fic.
“Steve, you were half naked in my office.”
“So? Danny, don’t you remember the time we had to do that decontamination shower? I was right next to you.”
“That does not count, Steve, and you know it. We were not on government property that time. All your bits floating in the wind like the flat at Pearl when we’re in the parking lot is not the same as you doing it when I’m trying to fill out a requisition form at my desk.”
I need help. There’s a fic out there for H50 where Danny “dies” and in his will it’s stipulated that Steve is to take custody of Grace if anything ever happens to him. I mean, it turns out Danny is fine in the end but I NEED THIS FIC PLEASE HELP.
(ao3) pls accept this very old mcdanno fic I never published, in which there are feelings and a kiss. also, soup snakes.
"So, Steven."
Steve smirks a little bit, leaning back against his desk like the smug asshole he is. This conversation has been a train wreck from the start.
"As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted," Danny raises his voice for dramatic effect to accompany the accusing look he's shooting at Steve. "You and me."
"Have you ever considered that maybe I'm interrupting you because you talk in incomplete sentences when you're nervous?"
Danny glares at him and flails his hands around unhelpfully, "See, this! This is what I'm talking about!"
Steve rolls his eyes, "You weren't talking about anything Danny. We were tailing a suspect and you said, out of the blue, 'do you know what a soup snake is' and here we are.”
"This -" Danny shakes his head and runs a hand over his face, "You know, if you ever let me finish a sentence I wouldn't have to bring things up like that."
Steve grins as he watches Danny start ramping up to a full-blown rant-down (the Williams version of a meltdown). He gets up after a moment and sets a hand on the other mans shoulder, his smile a little kinder. "Hey. I'm listening."
Danny looks up at him and deflates. He brings both of his hands up to his face and groans, "Okay. Okay, so..."
He walks a few steps away from Steve and collects himself before saying, "So Gracie is reading this book, right? And it's been so long since she was excited about a book so I said sure, I'll read it with her, cause y'know, that's what you do, you read books you don't care about just to spend time with your daughter before she starts to hate you."
"Danny," Steve sighs and rests against his desk again, "Gracie could never -"
"Shut up," Danny interrupts with a flail. He's yelling with his hands. "Shut up or I'm never gonna get through this okay?"
Steve stays silent as way of answer.
It takes another few seconds before Danny says, "So this book. Some actress wrote it and she was on that show The Office."
Danny turns to look out at the rest of the squad room and runs a hand through his hair, "She's got this friend and he's - he's her ex. Best friends though, like, the kinda thing you hope for growing up.
"And Mindy - that's the actress - everybody wants to know why they're not together. So she's got this chapter in this book and she says y'know, it's weird, their relationship, but they're soup snakes."
Steve has to bite his tongue.
"And - Gracie, you know, she turns to me and she says, 'That sounds like you and Uncle Steve, Danno.'"
On instinct, Steve's body tenses up and he's got to remind himself to breathe.
"So I'm thinking you know, she's just a kid, she doesn't know things. She's smart but she doesn't, you know - she doesn't know this."
Danny lets his head fall forward so it's resting as close to his chest as it can. "Do you know what soup snakes are, Steven?"
He has to take a moment to get his voice to work before he responds, "Uh... No, afraid I don't."
Danny spins around suddenly, and gestures around, "It's from an episode apparently. The main guy, his ex comes to town and he spends the whole episode trying to explain why he doesn't have feelings for her when he clearly does and he doesn’t want to be friends with her and - it's jibberish. Makes a toddler look like a genius."
He takes a few steps closer to Steve, apparently more determined now, "And he makes this list. The number one reason on it is because they're soup snakes."
Danny pulls a piece of paper out of his pocket and pretends his hands aren't shaking. It's harder to pretend his voice isn't shaking though when he starts reading it.
"I lied to Kevin. Holly and I can never be just friends. I wrote down a list of bullet points why Holly and I should be together, and I'm going to find the perfect moment today and I am going to tell her. Number one: "Holly, you and I are soup snakes." The ... and the reason is... because... in terms of the soup, we like to- that doesn't make any sense. We're soul mates. Holly and I are soul mates."
Steve's heart is pounding in a way that it hasn't since he went through basic training and he's suddenly sweating bullets. "That's, ah..." He licks his lips and tries again, "That's a nice story, Danny."
Danny seems to ignore him, keeping his eyes on the paper, “So, there I am, sitting in my living room with my daughter, my lovely, amazing girlfriend in the kitchen and...”
He looks up at Steve finally and he looks terrified - like walking into a tunnel terrified.
“And see I’m - I’m having a crisis. Because this?” He gestures in between the two of them, “This wasn’t - it’s not -”
“Yeah,” Steve croaks out, his voice rough for a number of reasons.
Danny opens his mouth uselessly, the words on the tip of his tongue and refusing to come out.
Steve takes a step closer, well within his personal space now and swallows nervously, “It doesn’t have to be. I mean, if you...” He lets out a breath, ignoring his stuttering heart, “If you don’t -”
He’s not an idiot. Despite what Danny likes to think, he’s not a ‘neanderthal.’ He’s got feelings, lots of them, and he knows what they all mean.
He knows that he’s been in love with Danny since the day they met.
“But it is!” Danny yelps, his hands coming up to rest on the back of his head, “It already is Steven, it doesn’t matter if I -”
Steve sets a hand on his shoulder, effectively shutting him up. It doesn’t matter, not really, because the only thing he can hear is the sound of his heart racing in his ears.
“Did you break up with her?” He asks, terrified of the answer.
Danny makes a face that clearly communicates how dumb he thinks Steve is, “What, are you insane? What kind of person do you think I am, huh?? Realize I’m in love with my best friend and keep dating a perfectly nice -”
And, well, that’s enough.
Steve leans down, slamming their lips together in both an effort to shut him the hell up and finally, finally find out what kissing Danny feels like.
Danny groans into it, his hands coming up to fist Steve’s shirt.
They’ve always been a bit of a disaster together, two halves of different puzzles that shouldn’t fit, but they do, they fit so well, and kissing is no exception.
There’s a literal push and pull and before Steve realizes what’s happening, he gets pushed back into his chair. Danny’s standing there looking absolutely wrecked, the toes of their shoes knocking against each other, and Steve has never seen anything more beautiful.
“You,” Danny huffs, trying to catch his breath, and points at Steve’s chest. “Are an asshole.”
Steve squawks, his hands coming up to grab Danny’s thighs, “Me?!”
Danny glares at him, but still moves so that he’s partially on Steve’s lap.
Something fizzles out in Steve’s brain with all this physical contact and he’s expecting something, something like a kiss or frotting or - something.
Instead, Danny pinches the sensitive part of his upper arm, hard, and Steve yelps.
“Do not interrupt me when I’m talking to you,” he hisses.
“Talking at me is more like it,” Steve mumbles, unable to take his eyes off of Danny. They’re so close, they’re so fucking close, and he’s got years of pent-up frustration and theories he wants to explore.
There’s a bead of sweat rolling its way down Danny’s throat and Steve just watches it go, wonders how angry Danny would be if he leaned up and licked it right now. Probably really angry, he seems like he’s really pissed, and Steve’s not sure why.
Then again, he usually isn’t totally sure why Danny’s mad at him.
Danny’s hand grabs his chin, forcing Steve to look back up at him, “Steven.”
Steve licks his lips, his mouth feeling suddenly very dry, “Yeah?”
“We are at work,” he reminds him, his tone going a little softer.
He sounds, for lack of a better word, wrecked. He sounds like Steve feels, which is a little raw and a little off balance and -
Steve groans, his head falling forward and landing on Danny’s clavicle. Stupidly, some part of his lizard brain can only think about how good he smells.
“Yeah,” he sighs, his eyes closing. “Yeah, okay.”
Danny presses a kiss to his temple, softer than anything Steve thinks he deserves, and finally pulls away from him. Steve makes a noise of complaint at the loss of contact and it feels like his chest is going to explode with the quiet laugh from Danny it earns him.
God, he really loves him.
He watches as Danny fixes his hair, fixes his shirt, tries not to look like his whole world has been rocked in the last ten minutes.
Steve doesn’t even try to pretend he isn’t doing exactly what he’s doing.
Danny catches his eye after a moment and grins, walking around to the front of the desk.
This is the part of Danny that Steve’s always had to experience from the outside looking in, and now, he’s the center of that look and. Wow.
“Hey Danny,” he hears himself choke out right as Danny’s about to walk out of the office.
Danny turns around, the door half open, and somehow the bastard looks like he always does, like this is all normal. “Yeah?”
It takes his brain a little bit longer than normal to figure out what it was he was going to say, and when it does he wants to laugh.
“I’m gonna need that report before we leave tonight.”
Danny’s face does that thing where it scrunches up like Steve’s being the most unreasonable dictator in the world and he starts yelling (’I don’t yell at you Steven, I explain loudly’).
Because he’s an idiot, and he’s hopelessly in love with his partner, Steve just grins.
Yeah, he thinks to himself. Yeah, this could work.
My Time Comes Around (11/11 Chapters, 28,966 words, E)
A McDanno Superhero AU by pterawaters
There’s been a major terrorist attack in California, and the Hawaii-based Five-0 superhero task force is called in to help. What they find on the mainland threatens to tear the task force apart, by force if necessary. Danny and Steve will do everything in their power to keep their family together - and alive.
remember that time when steve escaped from jail and got stabbed and danny's first words to him when they saw each other was "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!" and when steve asked why he was yelling danny said "I'M NOT YELLING!!1!1!!!!" (◠‿◠✿)
