Parker the Daring Jumping Spider
The other day I went in my closet to get dressed, and I saw a dark spot on my ceiling that isn’t normally there. I looked up and it wasn’t a dark spot, it was a huge spider. One of those big, muscley-looking armored ones that look like they were designed to spit acid in your face and take their time digesting you. And the worst part is it had these two glowing green eyes. Demon spider, in my closet.
I calmly, slowly, squatted down and grabbed a shoe. Because my ceilings are lofted I can’t reach them, even standing on my desk chair, so I took a deep breath and I threw that shoe as hard as I could at the spider.
Aaaaaaand the spider disappeared.
I noped out of there as fast as possible, slammed my closet door shut, grabbed enough clothes for the weekend, and headed out of town to pay a surprise visit to my parents because there was no way in hell I was staying one more minute in that room with a pissed off demon spider lurking in my closet, waiting for me to fall asleep so he could come out and eat me.
You know how they say absence makes the heart grow fonder? Well, I didn’t necessarily become fond of this spider, but I started feeling a little bad about trying to kill him. Especially once I looked up “giant spider glowing green eyes” images and found out he was a daring jumping spider, which don’t bite and are terrified of humans.
I’ve also read that names make you feel more attached to things. So, I decided to name the spider Parker. Sitting safely in my childhood bedroom, miles away from this spider, I was certain Parker and I could coexist. Plus, if you look at the picures, he’s even a little cute. And those glowing green eyes aren’t actually eyes (cause spiders have eight of those) they’re reflective spots above the mandibles. So he’s not actually a demon spider.
Anyway, the weekend ended and I was feeling really good walking back up the stairs to my room. Then I saw it. The dark spot on the upper corner of my door, jammed between the frame and the door. Parker.
“Hiiiiiiiii, Parker,” I said very hesitantly, feeling the panic set back in. “How was your weekend, buddy? Parker. I’ve named you, so no I’m attached. We’re buddies. You’re going to be my new pet.”
But I couldn’t do it. That attachment that had felt so real in my car had completely dissipated, and now all I could see was these glowing green demon eyes and giant armored legs blocking my way into my room.
This house was not big enough for both of us.
So I lifted my foot up, and I slipped off a shoe. And I ever so slowly, crept towards the door. Cause I knew that if I moved too fast, Parker was going to jump at me. And according to google, he could jump up to four feet. So I got into that range, moving so carefully so I didn’t startle him. And then I took that shoe and I struck.
There was the most disgusting cracking sound, and I was crying so I couldn’t see if he was dead so I just kept hitting the door and hoping hoping hoping that I got him. And I don’t know if I was crying because I was absolutely terrified of this animal that was smaller than the first knuckle of my thumb or crying because I killed Parker, who was going to be my pet but also scared the shit out of me.