#darlingdiary

[teacupdarling]

Squad loading..

I've been feeling a bit off this past week, and haven't played the Sims as much as I hope to share Bindi's story. I was slipping back into my perfectionist complex and wasn't having fun anymore. I'm hoping to try again tomorrow and get back that joy and excitement I had when I came up with the idea for my Let's Play. Tonight, hubby and I are watching Freedom Writers, a wonderful film. Our kitties joined in hubbys gaming session earlier. Thanks for listening.

— with love, darling ☕💌

[darling-deerlegs]

I put photos of myself on a discord and I'm so ashamed. I felt good about how I looked at the time but looking at the photos now I look absolutely horrendous. Definitely would have grossed out the guy I like. And made everyone generally uncomfortable with my ugliness. I did look better than I normally do, but I need to remember that's a very very low bar. I can't share myself with others. I can't show people what I look like. This is why I don't want to go out in public. I hate being so disgusting. It's vile. It feels yukky for me, to look how I look.

I honestly don't think I can do the online event tonight, can't socialize with those people, some of whom would have seen the photo. It makes me feel sick, terrified, ashamed, embarrassed. I want to scrub my existence from the online world. To be unknown, unseen.

[darling-deerlegs]

12/06/24

I'm tired of not being a healthy weight. I'm tired of not making myself look pretty. It's time to genuinely change. It's time to take care of myself.

Today: pee, weigh, meds, nude selfies, shower, wash hair, brush teeth, toner, day moisturiser, deoderant, clothes, makeup, hair style. Homeschool child. Dasatinib. Lunch. measurements, strength training. Fun times with child. Afternoon tea. Dex 2, Chores, Cardio. Dinner. Brush teeth, body brush, shower, toner, night moisturiser, pjs, braid/curlers hair. Sleep. Prep for stream, dex 3, make commands, work on command graphics, hype up pre-stream, mod stream, sleep.

Statistics of the Day

Weight: 100.2kg

BMI: 36.8

Body Fat: 46.7%

Measurements: couldn't find tape measure

Food Intake: omelette; rice cakes with beetroot, lettuce, philly; sweet potato noodles, tuna, soy sauce, veggies, feta cheese; white choc magnum.

Exercise Output: pretty much none...

[darling-deerlegs]

06/06/24

Look at all my PROGRESS {sarcasm} in my weight loss quest!

I'm so salty about it. I might need to start weighing myself daily. I need to exercise. Maybe I'm counting my calories incorrectly. I dunno what I'm doing wrong but obviously something isn't working.

I should start more accurately counting calories, weighing and measuring every ingredient. I also need to drink more water more regularly.

[darling-deerlegs]

03/06/24

T.M.I but I've been having trouble using the toilet since I've been reducing my calories. May or may not be related. Gotta figure out a natural food solution to that as I know laxatives can be bad for you. Have been increasingly fixated on food and calories. Have been having less fun, less play. It's like everything else in my life has gone quiet, but the dieting is very loud. Am feeling frustrated by lack of progress in weight loss, but need to remind myself I've only been doing this properly for about a week now. I'm feeling so tired already.

[darling-deerlegs]

01/06/24

Told myself I wouldn't count cals today. Then proceeded to count cals. Got to 800 and felt happy. Then at 9pm ate chips while watching a show with my housemate, and shot up to 1250. Feel scared. Even though I literally know 1250 cals isn't going to harm me. I feel scared.