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3 weeks ago the director of the punk documentary i was working on disappeared, so i ended up taking over. i had to redo the script because it fucking sucked mad cock and wasn’t punk at all. i have to deliver this in 2 days, and honestly it makes me really happy seeing this huge 13-minute chunk of it :) (i have to deliver 15min so we are almost done)

#daru.txt #its a mess just like me

fuck it giving all my sq to maou nobu on the next gudaguda

#a friend just told me they gonna add new appends skills #nvm someone explained to me on the notes but i STILL need a copy of maou #and this is their last banner #daru.txt

helloooo. would anyone like to watch a documentary i made? i want to know if the english subtitles are good or not. your feedback would help me a lot T_T

#daru.txt #i cant upload it here yet till i color it

now that my old blog 'darkarzx' would be turning 10 yo around these days. i started thinking about the friend who got me into tumblr. i never understood why he was so obsessed with the post/follower ratio to the point he deactivated his account to start a new one and 'fix' the ratio lol (that just my theory never asked him tho). wonder what he’d think about my ratio now. i’ve always been a small blog and never cared much about followers. when i came back to the hellsite in late 2023, i only kept losing followers like making the gap bigger lol. he’d probably be foaming at the mouth i guess.

#daru.txt

Happy new year!

As many of you who have seen my posts know, this blog is sometimes a place for me to vent and share some thoughts I feel like telling someone but can’t, because I’m not the kind of person who shares these things with friends or approaches them to unload myself.

Well, first of all, this year has been lovely for me, even though I’ve complained all the time about many things. But I guess that’s normal. I’ve learned so many things, completed a lot of projects that turned out well, discovered that my camera can do a lot of things, I started getting into lithography which turned out to be quite interesting and my self-esteem has improve, at least a little. The fact that I’ve started sharing the photos I take here is proof of that. It’s a big deal for me because I’m the type of person who thinks what I do in my free time is very personal. And as the good introvert that I am, I prefer to keep it to myself and only share it face-to-face with someone I deeply trust, like my parents or my very few friends.

Another thing is that I’ve stopped being as harsh on my own work as I used to be. I used to think, Oh, this might be wrong, or the professor won’t like it, and that would paralyze my progress. Now, I’m a bit bolder in letting my university projects reflect myself in some way, and it’s made working on them much easier. When I do that, I feel more excited to finish them, and I’ve noticed some professors actually appreciate that kind of thing. That’s one of the perks of studying art, there are always quirky professors, like you.

The result of all this is that my GPA improved significantly this year. I’ve never had grades this good in my life. I didn’t expect it to feel so rewarding. I’ve always been someone who aimed for just average grades to get by, so it was satisfying to see the other side of the coin.

Now for the bad stuff: I NEED MONEY, but that's a problem for tomorrow me. Most of my projects were technically "group" projects, but in the credits, I always ended up as the director, writer, and editor. I worked so much it felt like I only attract incompetent people. Sadly, I’m the kind of person who just swallows the frustration and takes on more work than I should, I just want to deliver something good.

There were people overthinking every step of an audiovisual project, people scared of using a camera, people who do not know how to use a camera (there were people who did not know how to read a histogram?????? dude u been here for 2 years), people constantly needing validation and thinking everything they did was wrong. I used to be like that, but at least I would overthink how to fix something I thought was wrong and do something about it (The projects where I did this I was alone tho). Then there were irresponsible people, lazy people, liars... The usual university ecosystem, I guess. Maybe that’s one of the reasons I don’t want to be friends with anyone at university.

Another thing that’s been bothering me is my weight gain. This wouldn’t have bothered me a few months ago, but lately, I’ve wanted to look more androgynous, and gaining weight makes me look more masculine. I want to buy clothes I like, but I can’t because my weight keeps going up and down. Right now, I’ve gained weight and can’t wear a lot of my clothes anymore. But I think this is the easiest issue to solve (or at least I think so).

This year, I also made it a goal to explore music genres I usually don’t listen to, and it went well or maybe I just chose the right genre. Personally, I don’t know what "good music" is. I grew up listening to osu! beatmaps and my sister's playlist that was all blink-182 and Miranda. I don’t know music theory or what artists people think are a must-know, and honestly, I don’t care.

The genre I started listening to is punk, which had never caught my attention until one day, my radio group decided to do a punk podcast so I had to do a research. I liked it. It’s about young people coming together to make songs about hating the government, their ex, or random stuff like being kicked by a horse, all without knowing how to play instruments or understanding music theory or standards. It’s just raw feelings turned into music. It reminds me of that M.O.T.O. song I Think We’ve Got the Sound and yeah, they had it, well, some of them did. Others do sound bad.

Punk is a counter-culture movement that covers many things more than just a genre. Some of the electronic projects I listen to, those with genres invented by the Internet and aimed at being disruptive, could fit under the punk definition because of their essence. For example, "HexD trance," a genre I enjoy, could be perfectly a punky genre.

In short, I empathized a lot with punk during my research because I’m someone who enjoys seeing others have fun doing what they love, regardless of whether it’s "good" or meets other people’s standards also I love my music fast and dumb as me. Someday, I’ll share my playlist once I stop constantly adding and removing songs. I listened to more than just punk but it is the one I enjoyed the most.

Another thing about music, I used to do a “Soulseeking Sundays” tag, where I’d post a random song I downloaded every Sunday. I stopped because I was scared of losing the blog due to Copyright stuff. Even though the music I posted wasn’t popular, it could still happen. That habit helped me build a collection of FLACs and MP3s files that I now use for projects.

As for games, I don’t know much, honestly. I’ve been in a continuous JOMO, happily playing the same things I always do, with the addition of Zenless. I like its characters, which is why I keep playing and sometimes post about it. This Corin girl is so me... I love her.

I wanted to talk about Fate. Fate has been in a coma for me since Agartha. I haven’t read any logs after that part, so I don’t know anything about Lostbelt. I only follow some events, mainly the Gudaguda ones. I’m thinking of catching up, especially now that I’m studying to write my own stories. Maybe I’ll see things differently. I even considered rereading from the beginning to see if my opinions of Arc 1 change. I still think America is one of my favorite parts because of how silly and absurd it is. Idk I just enjoy goofy things and I loved the America characters. This means I'll probably post Fate in the future. Script classes have changed the way I read stories, in a good way. I could go on about this topic, but it would probably take forever.

I’ve also been opening up more to my friends. At least one of them knows I cry a lot over fiction. I don't look like someone who cries much, but yeah, I’m a crybaby (I'm crying while writing this). I even opened up to an old friend about my experience working on audiovisual projects and how they changed my perspective after making them myself. I also admitted that I’m someone who prioritizes my emotions over rational thinking (he’s the opposite, so you can imagine how hard it was to say that). Sometimes, I wish they knew more about me. I treasure them with all my heart and would give my life for them, even though I don’t talk to them much. They don’t know how much I love them.

Anyway, I think I’ve written enough. It’s already New Year’s. I’ve been writing this since last year. I just wanted to say it was a good year. I hadn’t felt like this in a long time and wanted to share some words, even if they don’t flow perfectly or connect well.

I’ve always said this blog is my safe space where I can share my thoughts despite being a introvert. No one knows me in real life here, and that makes me feel more comfortable than Facebook, where I mostly shitpost. Sure, you’d learn what makes me laugh and my real name there, but nothing about what I like or what I’m thinking. And Twitter, oh yeah the place where I repost Nobu and Tsurugi art, cool place but there's nothing more besides that.

This place feels like my little treehouse full of the things I love and some of my memories. I’ve been a bit lost these past months because of the things I mentioned earlier, overworking on projects, and playing a 20 year old game (I never mentioned Metin2 but that piece of shit game drains your soul, I have a cool guild so it's been a bit enjoyable at least).

I don’t have many followers and mostly of then are inactive accounts from my fate days. But I know there are a few mutuals and followers still around, and even though I don’t interact much beyond notes and the occasional yap on tags, thank you for checking out the dumb stuff I post and for posting your own. Seriously, sometimes I come in here all sad and y'all put a smile on my face with what you post.

Thank you so much for reading this and happy new year!

Daru