#data subsys

[system-of-a-feather]

To be honest, as much grief as I was going through the past week or so in regards to my realization regarding my subsystem and how cruel and unfair the previous unsplit version of me was treated, I kind of have come to find some joy (for a lack of better words, engagement might be better but thats a weird word to use for this sentence) in the position I've found myself in.

The vent below that I reblogged cause I found it relatable had a like "Someone has to do it" which really resonated with my current place in processing, because I really wanted nothing to do with this system and had to be told "if you dont give us minimal information we are likely going to - intentionally or not - be around you more so its easier if you tell us important info sk we can leave you alone" to engage with the parts here at all

And while that was comfortable, I was also really just stewing in annoyance and misanthropy. I didn't want to have to do shit, I didn't care about shit and I just wanted to have some moments of peace

But honestly? After this realization and a week of grief, it kinda made me realize how toxically self absorbed and self centered I was being. Justifiably so (and this is about me not anyone else in a similar situation) from what I hold, but even if justifiable, the self absorbtion and negativity did me little to improve my situation or make me feel good - or really anything.

It's only when I hit this moment of grief and realization of my place in the picture of my subsystem did it click into place that I am more than just here by myself and honestly, only then did it make me realize I have the autonomy and choices to make in life. Previously I was focused on comfort and my needs that I forgot that life is about living and not just managing my energy.

It really wasn't until I reflected on the tragedy that is our subsystem splitting that I really began to look beyond my bubble and see that there is more to life than energy management and being grumpy and honestly, that realization has - on its own - made me a lot happier.

I'm motivated to engage in the world some and I'm motivated to experience new things and trust the parts in the system, hell, even perhaps people out of the system.

So I really resent the situation that got me here and I hate that its unfair and cruel, but at the same time, it gave me - well, fuck it, quoting NF cause Im a mega fan

Some would say having a mental breakdown is a negative thing

Which on one hand, I agree with

On the other hand, it was the push I needed

To get help and start the healing process, see if

I'd have never hit rock bottom, would I be the person that I am today? I don't believe so

The grief gave me invaluable insight and perspective. I struggle to feel right cursing it for that, which is a feeling I can hold together with the acknowledgement that it should have never happened. I can both thank it and wish it never happened.

[system-of-a-feather]

Okay though me being dramatic aside, it is kinda really funny cause I was mid-back co-con but busy talking to Chunn about a similar but disconnected line of thought that MYSTERY DATA 3 over there was rambling on and it was just like "Oh yeah chatting planning thinking" and then we're not paying attention to their rambles until they go "wait am I Riku" and I just turn like "NO. WHO ARE YOU"

And I'm just, dramatic and eccentric ESPECIALLY compared to Chunn's apathetic ass and I'm just like COME THE FUCK ON I KNOW WE ARE TRAUMA PROCESSING BUT WHAT DO YOU MEAN ANOTHER PART AND ASDLKJFLKSJFLKDF

And hes just like *shrugs* "checks out I guess"

And like, I havent had too much formal interactions with Chunn until like this week or so when he decided to stop avoiding us 'on principle' of resenting 'fate' more than he hated interacting with us and I do like the dynamic I'm forming with him

Cause like XIV and I are very loud and very boisterous and dramatic and Chunn is just very like... flat and its different but kinda amusing.

Whereas XIV will call me a fucking dumbass and pick on me when I'm being dumb (affectionate), Chunn will just silently sit there and keep that to himself for a while and then go ".... yeah and [insert obvious thing]" once I've fully clowned on myself and ya know what

Fully appreciate it.

Honestly though, as long as Chunn doesn't care, I don't really care. It's his subsystem and I'm far far far not paid enough to worry about the system structure beyond what I am asked to. That part is his responsibility, if he needs help from me or XIV he will communicate it - if solely on principle.