Apr 4, 2020
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Uh Oh, Office Drama! (Extended)
Mittens announces Paul Ryan as his choice for running mate.
Rapist-murderers and dead squirrels.
Yesterday.
I'm trying to wake up because boyfriend and I like to meet each other usually every day at 11 for lunch. However, due to a strange disease called "being lazy", I decided to turn on my little buddy Alarm Clock. And I proceeded to slap him every few minutes when he decided to try to tell me it was time to get up to go meet the boyfriend. Well. Eventually, I got up at around 10:30, since I knew that it was too late to hope to take an early morning shower, so I decided it would be better to just throw my hair in a ponytail or maybe see if I could salvage it with my army of hair products.
So, I'm plugging in my hair straightener, finally out of bed and in the hall. The apartment has a joint bathroom that I share with my beloved roommate Kelli (brief background on Kelli: She's a senior trying to get into vet school, approximately 22, really awesome and nerdy, super productive, and has officially adopted me, therefore sees herself sort of like a mother to me. Oh and she loves Batman.A lot ). Kelli sleeps with her door open, most likely due to the fact that we live upstairs and the upstairs likes to sit at a lovely 95 degrees if we don't bother turning on fans. Which, sometimes, we don't, and I really don't know why.
After I plug in my straightener, I start brushing my hair, trying to figure out some way to fix it. The next thing I know is... suddenly, there is a noise right outside the apartment. And it sounds like a gun shot. I freeze immediately, not by any windows, but the noise was so loud I could feel it, you know? So I turn and look at Kelli, who was asleep previously, but has bolted upright in her bed. There's that silent exchange of glances, where we're asking each other if we'd heard that. In my mind, said unspoken exchange went like this:
Me: Yo, sista, yous heard dat?
Kelli: Damn right I did.
However in all reality, it probably actually went like this in my head:
Me: HOLY BALLS, WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS GOOD IN THIS WORLD WAS THAT?
Kelli: I HAVE NO IDEA...
However, despite this, Kelli whips her blanket off of her and we both proceed to investigate what is happening outside. Our neighbors to the right are stepping outside trying to see what's happening. Except, since Kelli and I are women, automatically we assume that there is a violent, angry rapist-murderer (always are bad guys rapists in my mind. I DON'T KNOW WHY, OKAY?) outside with a shotgun because that's definitely what it sounded like. So, I'm peering through the window, and Kelli is like, "OH MY GOD, YOU ARE GOING TO GET SHOT, GET AWAY FROM THERE!" but in the process of her saying this to me, I confirm that no one is directly outside.
So I call boyfriend saying there's been some gunshot outside and to be careful when he was on his way over. Moments after I hung up, Kelli walks into my room, and announces, "The electricity is out." I frown, begin playing with light switches, plugging stuff in, and trying to check for internet. Yep. All of it is out, AC included (yikes). And it's about an hour before it's back on. Turns out something happened to the power line right outside our door, go figure! And... apparently, it was so destructive... that it... sounded like a gun...
We're going to skip the rest of the day because it was really boring and not very eventful and actually pretty depressing because of things. The only noteworthy thing about the afternoon was that I beasted my Composition II final like no one's business and I went for a very, very, very long walk across Stillwater, during which I realized that I want to learn how to beat people with a walking stick, get a decent hunting knife, and walk across America one day. But that's beside the point.
So en route back to my apartment, I get a call from Kelli and two of her aunts are in town and want to take us out to Hideaway's pizza. So we have a lovely time, and it's Kelli's two aunts, her cousin, her little sister, Kelli, and myself. And we don't even really bring up what's happened that morning, but one of Kelli's aunts remarked about the "loud explosion" that morning because she stayed across the street at her son's house. And she remarks, "Oh yeah, those stupid squirrels like to fiddle with things that could kill them."
To which, I reply with, "Wait what? Squirrel?"
And, it is explained to me that my "rapist-murderer" is actually a squirrel that poked its head too much around the power line. And got electrocuted and simultaneously cut our power. Of course, initially I felt horrible for that squirrel- what an awful way to go. But then, I remembered how his blunder prevented me from being able to play Skyrim, from being able to check my email, for taking away my precious Internet... And I silently cursed him.
.... And you know, imagined him in a pair of overalls, a torn up red hat, and a shotgun in hand with a borderline disturbing, terrifying expression on his face.
Let me tell you a story about a thousand fruit flies and a dead squirrel in my house.
We have two fireplaces therefore two chimneys in our house. Theres one in the living room, and theres another in the somewhat basement/tv room next to the garage. One day in February, my dad notices bumping and scurrying in the fireplace of the tv room. We all think its a rat or something, since its dumbass happened to get itself in. We leave it alone and think itll eventually get out etcetc. So, for the past two months and some weeks, whenever I went down there to get my bike (I leave my bike in that room), I would always smell the stinky smell of rotten trash or food or something. Taking it for granted, I'd just leave and do my own thing.
On the first saturday of spring break, I find a fruit fly in my room and I'm like, hm. howd this get here? K, trap that shit. No more flies until...the next friday. So the last friday which was a couple of days ago, a fucking swarm of fruit flies were basically everywhere in my house. We were basically fly hunting and killing swatting etc. There would be at least 20 of them in the living room to the point where its bzzzzzz every second. Kind of reminded me of a flea market in chinatown. It wasnt until Sunday night, when my mom went into the tv room to go workout, that she noticed some flies in there, so she started vacuuming. My dad comes down and hes like, whoa wtf why is there so many flies. And this is where it hit me, oh shit. The dead rat.
A few seconds later my dad brings some 409 down and moves the tv that covers the fireplace and finds a fucking dead squirrel with fucking larvae/maggots and flies coming out of it. Smells like shit. Smells like fucking bleach. Fucking flies coming out of that shit. AUGH.
But yeah. Me and my brother found it kind of funny how we just left a squirrel in there thinking that id leave. Ended up dying and growing fucking larvae/maggots and shit, basically creating chaos. Disgusting.
Three dead squirrels, not run over.