Man, has it been a long time since I've sat down and had time to really put into words on all of my thoughts. I can't remember the last time I've been able to do this. I miss having time to actually sit back and think. I've been so flustered the past year and a half and I'm finally getting a grasp on the person I've been and how I lost that.
This post is going to include a recap on everything the past year and a half (well, in summary). Recently I heard someone mention that if you're always talking about the past - it's because you suffer depression. If you're always nervous of the future - it's because you suffer anxiety. I've been doing a lot of both, and I need to adjust to "the now".
I'm not going to go into much detail, but as you know I got my job that I'm currently at now in January 2013 - the same month I started a relationship with this guy Rob. Long story short, I moved in with him after 2 months of being together since I was dealing with a lot of family issues. I was able to live with him and his family for about 6 or 7 months. I was working a lot and I knew I was changing a lot (more like matured, and in a good way) from my job an I started to dislike the person I was becoming. Around August we started to argue a lot, and basically from August to January 2014 we were VERY on and off. Around end of October I had "dated" a random guy for about a week. Then ofcourse went crawling back to Rob - damn, I was so set on the fact that he was the one. My soulmate. We ended up getting an apartment that we moved into the morning of new years eve. I was there for about 1 month, and it was a disaster. I don't know why, but we just started arguing A LOT. and it wasn't from living with each other, since we had already done so for an entire year. It sucked so much since a lot was from financial reason and just other bull shit looking back on it. Then one night I had a few friends over (a few guy friends in which Rob hated) and then he kicked me out. (Later that night or next day - i forget - he asked me to come back) And at that point I was just done. I started dating this guy Kyle (who's a guitarist in a touring band called Handguns). We were friends for a long time before, and it was nice. We had a lovely few weeks. Went on a lot of cool dates. Explored. Road tripped. And I wasn't ready. I missed Rob. So I left him and got back with Rob. Which didn't last long. Nothing was the same. Not because of the fact I dated someone else, but something was missing. That shine that was there when I first met Rob it just wasn't there. And that killed me the most. Nothing is more heart wrenching than knowing that the Shine you both once had, that was so strong, was completely dissolved. And no matter how hard you tried to bring it back, there was always something in the way. Were both stubborn hot headed people. I was in so much denial that it was actually coming to an end. And it did. I moved all of my things finally out of the apartment. Removed my name from the bills, handed in my keys. Leaving that place was so rough. We searched for it together. Just the entire experience was so hard. My first place. My first relationship being an adult. A lot of my firsts - just gone down the drain.And really, that was so hard to accept. So time went on. I started to see kyle again. That lasted a week. It just was different. And to sadly say the least, It felt like he was a rebound. Not on purpose, but I sat down and thought to myself what am I doing? He was home from tour for a week. We took a roadtrip to Virginia Beach for a few days - and something wasn't right. I just wasn't happy. then the 5 hour drive home to NJ (he was asleep most of the ride) I just thought. A LOT. And if that trip was meant to be JUST for me to have my time to think, than it was definitely worth it. I broke it off. Didn't really give him any explanation. Which broke his heart. And I feel terrible... but I don't. I wasn't ready. I wasn't accepting of the fact that Rob and I were over for good. I wasn't ready to start something new. I wasn't even at a point where I feel like I could make myself happy. So then the rest of the month of May passed and days went on and I finally started to accept. Forget. It's been a full month that I haven't been with anyone, and it feels like forever. Its really sad that memories are starting to evaporate. I'm remembering less and less of times spent with Rob. Pictures and everything gone. Any little reminder. It's hard, you know. The other day I found a box of kitchen-ware from my apartment. I had a smiley-face strainer that me and him used just for making mac and cheese and I just broke down and cried. As days go on, and things come along, it's finally starting to leave me. And As much as I hate it, It's what needs to happen.
It's so hard though. This is the hardest break up for me. We had such an unexplained connection. Everything got to the best of us. I'll always love him, but it's not the love I got when I first met him. I just can't wait until I'm completely over it all. The very end of the relationship we saw each other a few times and just cried. Yelled. Said mean things. And I wish it wasn't my last impression of him, since it is a horrible time to remember. I wish we never lost that Shine, but I think everything happens for a reason. There are many things we HATE about each other. And I hate him, a lot. I wish him the best though. I hope he finds someone that suits him well. I hope that years later I can look back on this relationship and laugh at all of our faults.So much happened in that time we dated, and yet I have so many years to come. I'll always love you.
Anyway - aside from the relationship jumble, I've had a lot of other things go on. The past month I've dropped almost 20 pounds and I don't look right. It's been 6 months since I was dropped from my health insurance, and my health problems have gotten so terrible. The bone tumor in my foot came back which isn't good because it's very likely to be a cancerous mass. All of my health problems are terrible. And I just get more depressed every day. I don't talk about it to anyone. I'm so happy go-lucky and I just hate that I put up such a fron. When someone asks "How're you doing, have you been pk? (Heath-wise)" that question is my most-lied response in the world.
In other news, I recently found out my "mom" isn't my birth mom. And I have an entire family I have yet to even meet. I can't wait until I meet her. I've seen pictures, she was beautiful. This is too touchy to talk about, but man,. It's really hard.
Lastly, I have to months left living in this house. My dad and I live together here and its being evicted. He's most likely moving somewhere far, which means I'll rarely see him. I have less than two months to find my own place. Leaving this house will tear me apart. This is the house I grew up in. The house there was once a family. Arguments. Laughs. Friends. Neighbors. Story-telling. Bonfires. Parties. Late night talks. Different boy friends. Best friends. All the times I've slammed this bedroom door shut, face full of beaten down mascara and dried skin from the salt of my tears. The many times I've almost committed suicide from my horrible past depression. The many times I've sat in this very bedroom thinking about life. Sitting on my roof outside my window gazing the stars and wondering if anyone ever even thinks of me. The fact that this house will be gone in 2 months is unreal. I don't know how I'm going to be able to accept that. It's all my dad and I have left. I'm so in denial that this is all happening. I don't want to accept the future.
Amongst this all, I'm trying my best. I really am. And like I always say, it could be worst. I still have arms and legs right? I'm still here.
But, it could be better. I want it to be. I'm trying to let it be. I'm hoping it will be. I'm almost 20 and I still have the 12 year old inside me - the 12 year old that finally knew what the meaning of depression was. 8 years of still feeling worthless. Still feeling confused, lost. Never knowing where I'll be. How I'll be. I like not really having a plan - but this is my life. I don't have much at all.
At the end of the day, my search continues. It continues for that love. I just want to be loved as much as I'm able to give. In every aspect. In every way. Just for once, is all I'll ever ask. The only thing I'll ever ask for, in life. To love, and be loved. To love... love.
