#dear riley

[n0miracleshere]

"it was the way you always squeezed your eyes shut when you smiled- like you were afraid to see how it was going to end."

-excerpt from a poem I'm going to write when I get around to it

[lozco]

A quick update To Whom It May Concern. We'll be returning.

Update, To Whom It May Concern

[n0miracleshere]

i dreamed last night you didn't miss me and when i woke up it kinda broke my heart

[firesong-writes69]

Dear *anyone*?

Dear *anyone* (@bloodycreampuff) (waaaat, you said *anyone* 😝)

Riley,

We may be oceans apart from one another but there are some days where I feel so close to you. Some nights where I imagine, instead of being separated by our screens, I can reach out and hold you. Comfort you when you’re feeling gloomy. You told me once you feel “calm” when speaking to me, and I feel the same. You do not judge me. You listen to me. Our closeness is something I’ve never experienced before and maybe it’s because our one year anniversary is coming up, but I’m feeling sentimental because you were one of the first people I’ve met in this fandom.

I’m glad we have this closeness. It’s something that I’m not used to, and I hope—no, I know, that we’re going to be in each other’s lives for a long while. They say “blood is thicker than water” but they leave out the part where blood doesn’t always make family. You chose your own. And you, Riley, are my family. I’m in your corner always and I’m always going to be rooting for you. Remember to take care of yourself. Remember to love yourself. I hope in your darkest hours you think of me and I am there. Love, Nikki

[n0miracleshere]

I saw something with your name on it today and my heart stopped

[n0miracleshere]

"and the writer's block just will not die

sometimes i think of writing again but all that comes up is you and I'm not so sure it's a good idea to take a trip down that road so i just

don't

but

i don't know how to write something without mentioning your name

don't know how to write something about pain without flipping through the photo album of US

don't know how to write something without pain anyway so

i guess if i can't write about you I'll write to you

here's what I've been wanting to tell you

here's the uglier side of missing you and what i didn't put in the last poem

i said i wasn't gonna write to you anymore but here i go again

and i wish you were here to tell me i was lying when people asked me how i was

the other day

because you would have known just what to do when

i had an anxiety attack over being in public without bracelets

texted my friend fifty times begging for her to bring a sweater that never came

you would've had one with you

you would've had something with you

you would've understood

i keep thinking about texting you again, wanna tell you about how I've been picking my skin raw again, wanna tell you how my mom

threatened to tell my dad

again

wanna tell you how it looks bad

again

and you would have noticed too, even if i didn't say a word

and my sides

are caving in and i know this isn't normal but i promise I'm not trying to do this it just happens and i don't stop it fix it stop it in the first place I'm just so

gone. gone because you are too and

people talk about loss of loved ones and the grief that comes with it and i think i have a right to identify myself with them because

you're not dead, but you're not coming back either

so what are you

i don't know

if you'll ever see this but i just wanted you to know that i miss you

and i know

that i said it already but I'm missing you again and anyway

this writer's block will the death of me

so I'm killing two birds with one stone

and thinking about how once upon a time

we would have joked about wishing to be the birds."

missing you // k.