#deardirrhea

[suertudagirl]

A month or two ago they finally zipped (couldn't zip them when I bought them,) but the thighs were tight. Today these are finally loose and comfy. Which means I can pop a squat in them, or sprint (important for being an elementary teacher lmao.)

These are 100% linen pants from banana that I got for $7 on thredup.

[suertudagirl]

Haven't posted in a hot minute. I'm still wearing hoodies cause my clinic keeps their AC at 60 degrees. Also, still working on my house Reno.

Toodle Doo. Goodbye.

[suertudagirl]

Not intentionally so but ive been on hiatus. This Monday marks the start of my second month at work. Patients like me but I'm still doubtful I'm fit out for the longevity of this job. I also found out the pay was significantly less than what I had been led to believe.

Been working through things with my relationship still. I have a lot of inner work I have to do.

I'm not sure how to explain that even though I truly adore life, it's creatures, the weather, and that I remain tenderly optimistic-- that I'm also scared shitless. And most days I can compartmentalize that fear, stuff down certain woes down my throat and just push forward. Some days it comes bursting out. and I feel alone. I don't feel understood by the people immediate to me. But that's my fault. I don't ever open up to my family or friends.

Only recently have I even started opening up to my partner and I feel like I can't do that anymore without burdening him, he doesnt like it, he doesnt take it well. What is a partner for if not to listen and support you?

Meh. I need to be strong and I need to just get over myself.

🦾🤐

[suertudagirl]

I got the job. Lordddd. I'm so happy and nervous I wanna vomit. 🥲

[suertudagirl]

My October thus far.

A photo dump collage by yours truly.

[suertudagirl]

In a dark funk tbh.

[suertudagirl]

I have my second blood test scheduled for this morning. Just a full iron panel.

Then I can finally schedule my iron infusion.

I am also getting fingerprinted for my pt position.

So silly that the state would make you get fingerprinted twice in less than 60 days but I guess. Safety first?

[suertudagirl]

I was taking a shower and realized I was finally catching up with old familiar (positive) feelings. I think that's what it means by "getting back to your old self." We are born as mushy, fragile, little bean-of-a-body things....we are never inherently depressed or ashamed. We are not born in fear. Or, stuck there very long. The self doubt and wondering of if the shadows and demons are my true identity? That, that seems so fictional right now. Like a silly fable from a kids book. Because it is in fact known, that humans....we are good. At our core, we are good and we are deserving. I do love myself and I do love my peers.

And for once this conclusion didn't derive from the validation of a romantic interest, or a good deed...but just by giving myself grace and patience. Being gentle with myself, in turn has allowed me to be gentle with my friends and family.

The six years of shaky highs, and stalely stagnant lows have finally met, giving birth to a beautifully clear body of water. Refreshing, cool, and crystalline. With only a soothing vibrating ripple visiting from time to time, I'm thankful...

And I will enjoy this. I will try to fill every pocket of mine with this serenity, in hopes of it aiding me in future tragedy. Overtime, surprisingly condensing into an elixir of strength to help me fight through the inevitable and necessary comeback of said treacheries. Treacheries and wounds that will keep being thrown at me, at us.

I am not scared anymore.