are Your wonders known in the darkness?
there's a lot of pain i keep shut up inside. i can lie to myself and convince everyone it's the truth.
vulnerability isn't familiar and these scars keep me alive. some people think they know me, but they don't know the hours of sleep i lose crying. because the dark will always be part of me. i remember that girl looking in the mirror wishing away her birthday. i see the scared look in her eyes while listening to dangerous conversations in the bunk bed. i can feel that rejection when no one was interested in taking her hand. i know the pain of telling the painful truth only to be ignored by the most trusted ones. i hear her cries reverberating, "why them & not me?"/ "how do i keep going?". i recognize every smile she wears just to hide the storm swelling in her heart. when did death become so engaging and when did life become so impossible? what lies am i still believing and what demons are still haunting? why do i feel like i can't move without breaking and why can't i step past this place of brokenness? vulnerability frightens me. when his arms stretch around me i feel like i can be open & honest. but most days i just want to get through and not feel everything i'm facing. people have hated me without reason and i've taken a beating without ever questioning. God knows how many nights i've asked Him to set me free. God knows i don't have the strength to see another tomorrow. God knows every selfish prayer & self-hatred thought i've ever had. God knew when He came in human flesh and stretched out His hands on the cross the kind of sinner He was dying for. God knew when He wrote my name in the book of life how rebellious i would be. God knew when He set His Spirit in me, He knew in His pursuit, and in His saving work within, that i'd still be the worst/frail/wretched/ungrateful child i am today. God set His love on me, and it won't fade, not today and not ever. God knows i'll continue to fall short and never meet the standard He set. He calls me His own with pure delight.
