#default parent

[coochiequeens]

Extended families often badger the woman about when grandkids will be on the way and then when they arrive they ignore the baby and the mother trying to calm it at family gathering. 

[athousandsmallheartattacks]

You Should’ve Asked

Everyone is reading this, right? Do it now. 

https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

“When a man expects his partner to ask him to do things, he’s viewing her as the manager of household chores...

Feminists call this the mental load...

It’s permanent and exhausting work. And it’s invisible...

What partners are really saying, when they ask us to tell them what needs to be done, is that they refuse to take on their share of the mental load...”

[ibatheintheblacksun]

As the default parent of a 3yo boy I’m getting so sick and tired of doing everything.

I work four days a week and do everything around the house.

I’m the one who buys the boy clothes when he’s outgrown his old ones, I’m the one to bathe/shower him, brush his teeth, toilet train, everything.

I love my husband, but I’m beginning to resent him.

[davidspumpkinss]

$500 for a birthday party/presents? 100% worth it. “I’m paying for it” is not a valid excuse. Because IEEEEEEEEE have birthed this child and stayed home with him for 5 years.. IEEEEE planned this all. And his other party, and YOUR party. And your parents’ birthdays. it’s just money it will be fine.

You had NO PROBLEM spending our money on a new car when you didn’t need one….

[playingwithapparel]

Acting as the Default Parent

Raising children involves minute-by-minute decisions and actions, and it can be difficult to share these responsibilities evenly. However, what do you do when it becomes clear that the roles are divided so unevenly that you are making nearly every decision, completing nearly every chore, and responding to nearly every one of your children’s requests? Psychologists call this “The Default Parent…

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[nospoonsbutknives]

I created another cute little sketchbook, this time a bit more durable:

It measures 5×4″, is made entirely of 140lb Acid Free Paper (the kind I use for most of my work), and I was extremely clever and place the holes so that you could trim the paper down to 4×4″ and frame your artwork/drawing/notes that are fabulous/etc. The cover was handpainted by me and then laminated so it’ll last, and the whole thing is bound together by 1″ bookrings so it is refillable (I sell refill packages as well). Himself has already requested a custom one be made for him (I always accept custom requests!).

And on to the links:

Tips for Staying Motivated after Graduation This doesn’t exactly apply to me-I’ve never been to art school-but I think the tips still apply. Right now I’m suffering the seasonal slump many retailers/small businesses experience during January/Tax Time/Where The Heck Did My Money Go Time and it can be hard not to take it personally. It’s especially hard because I’ve been working producing some really neat stuff: hand-stitched books, handmade bookmarks, new original art. And crickets. So I try mightily to ignore the crickets and to keep producing, because one day I will look back on this time and sigh in remembered contentment about all the unstructured creative time.

The Problem of the Default Parent So this happened to us. I don’t think either of us really thought through who should stay home with the kids, and in the early years it was a moot point as both of us were in college and working PT jobs, so we traded off and had grandparents covering the gaps in our crazy schedule. And then Himself graduated, and he was able to make more money, so tag! I was it.

And it was awful. For about six months I was the SAHP, responsible for the cooking/cleaning/homeschooling. I sank into a depression: was this really what my life was going to look like for the next 10+ years? But then I started practicing calligraphy, I did the invitations for my SIL, and now here we are, selling on etsy with grandiose dreams to sell at fairs and maybe own a little boutique someday.

But that wasn’t really the point of the article. It was about people ASSUMING it’s the mom staying home and that the dad is the surgeon. I don’t want my daughter or sons assuming anything. I want them to work/stay home/whatever they actually choose to do, without doing it as the default action.

My Boobs Broke My Washer This is just funny, and you might need a laugh today. I love Beth (although I’ve never met/talked to her), just like I love The Bloggess: both ladies struggle with depression, both are real about it, and both fight everyday to see the joy and the funny. I do not currently consider myself depressed, but between eating disorders and PPD I’ve had some up-close glimpses and I’m always working to keep the dark at bay.

And that’s it, folks. I’ll be working on more little journals and bookmarks, praying for elusive sales so I can inch closer to my dream of buying this really expensive printer that will revolutionize my business, and continuing to art on.

Wordy Weekend Links and a New Sketchbook. I created another cute little sketchbook, this time a bit more durable: It measures 5x4", is made entirely of 140lb Acid Free Paper (the kind I use for most of my work), and I was extremely clever and place the holes so that you could trim the paper down to 4x4" and frame your artwork/drawing/notes that are fabulous/etc.

[deepdivedoubleclickbaby]

GREAT piece / insight into the other side of the story by Anne-Marie Slaughter's husband. I think it is difficult, maybe impossible, to balance careers and parenting responsibilities equally - without more men / dads like him, it'll continue to be women who fall on the "lead parent, not lead career" side of things. 

 I was also struck by his reflection that being the lead parent = losing control (excerpted below). Certainly I felt and still occasionally feel the stress of "doing everything and nothing well." But for me, being the lead parent and not having the lead career has been incredibly freeing. Sure, I may have to drop everything at work and pick The Monkey up if he gets sick, but then I get to be the one who cuddles him and helps him feel better. I get less wound up about stuff that goes wrong at work and don't spend endless hours in the office because it isn't my top priority anymore - which in some cases makes me better at my job, and in others means I won't ever be a CEO (which I have zero desire to be). For me, losing control has been pretty damn great...if not quite on the Lean In message track. 

...Lead fatherhood can feed a pervasive sense of inadequacy. Juggling caring and career leaves me feeling that I am doing a bad job as both a parent and a professional. This should not have surprised me. Had I read decades of writing by working mothers, I would have known that “I am not doing anything well” is a mantra. Still, I suspect that this brew of frustration and inadequacy may be tougher on men than it is on women, because men are taught early on that we are—or should be—in control. Losing control is emasculating. But if you don’t have the sense that things are out of control much of the time, you’re not really a lead parent. You’re just helping out.

[latte-books]

I was upstairs folding laundry when Nora shouts from the living room that she wants lemonade. I stop what I'm doing and walk all the way downstairs and into the kitchen. The Husband is standing next to the refrigerator making a sandwich. I asked him why he didn't get Nora her lemonade since he was already in the kitchen. He told me that Nora knew he was in the kitchen but didn't ask him....This happens every week.