#defiant vent

[defiantsuggestions]

Children deserve to feel safe

Children deserve to feel loved

Children deserve to feel wanted

Children shouldn't have to earn their right to exist

Children shouldn't be made to feel like a burden

[defiantsuggestions]

I don't want to be sad

I don't want to be tired

I don't want to keep having the responsibility of other people's actions on my hands

Sometimes we have to sit with our emotions and wait patiently for them to pass.

I know I will not always feel like this

I know that fighting myself in what I'm feeling doesn't make that feeling stop

What I need is to go out and do something fun and positive

Because there are good things in the world and I have to remind myself of that

I will feel better later

[defiantsuggestions]

I can't be a part of a support group without fear that most of the people in that group are going to be violently ableist toward folks with NPD.

I can't feel community with other traumatized people without the knowledge that, at any moment, I'm going to find out that one of them has been sending death threats to someone for the crime of having an NPD diagnosis.

I can't...trust, a lot of the people, who've been through the same things as me, for fear that they want to wipe out an entire group of people.

The sheer hate that I keep smacking my head into when I look for people who are like me.

Hate for people who haven't done anything wrong, who are merely trying to exist and live out their life.

These same people who will instantly turn on me and try to rip me apart when I say, "hey, maybe we shouldn't be assholes to people for no reason."

I feel like half the survivor community has decided that their abuser must be a narcissist, and therefore every narcissist is an abuser, so therefore it's okay to lash out and threaten and hurt random strangers. They can't hurt their abuser, so they hurt innocent folks they don't even know, and they think it's okay to do that because "it's fine, this person has the abuser disease, so it's okay if I harrass them for no reason."

I don't trust my own community.

I hate that people are like this.

I'm not looking for support because I want to hurt people who haven't done a thing to me.

That's not the point of this. I'm looking to recover, because I don't want to be miserable. I want to help and be helped, because we should support each other.

But over and over I keep running into people who think NPD folks are something less than human.

And I don't want to be a part of that.

[defiantsuggestions]

Frustrating that a lot of the behavior that's expected of me now was punished when I was a child

Like, yeah, they're two entirely different networks of people, and the problem comes from the fact that the folks who raised me suck

But like, I remember so many moments from my childhood where I stood up for myself, called out mistreatment, was loud about what I wanted and was justifiably upset at being hurt. These behaviors were punished until doing them no longer comes natural. It's not even a thought in my head, it simply doesn't occur to me, and on the off chance it does, the follow through feels impossible.

But these are the things people expect of me as an adult. The fact that I can't do these things is a problem. Part of improving myself means relearning all the shit that used to be a part of me that I had ripped out because my family didn't want to see that behavior.

The things that made me a "good child" are things that make me struggle as an adult.

The things that made me a "bad child" are considered normal and expected adult behavior.

How can I perform what is expected when I was taught for decades that this behavior is wrong?

Ugh.

[defiantsuggestions]

Why is it when we say "don't blame mental disorders for your abuse" people immediately jump to """YOU'RE DEFENDING ABUSERS AND INVALIDATING MY SUFFERING"""

No. No no no no no. We are not excusing abusive behavior, and we believe you when you say you suffered.

Your abuse was real and you should have been treated better, and there is no excuse for what was done to you.

We're just saying, "don't attack people who are just trying to exist."

Those are two separate statements. Why do you not see that those are two separate statements?

Your abuse was real! Just quit attacking unrelated people over it! Your trauma doesn't give you the right to hurt whoever you deem a convenient target! Abuse is the problem. The lack of resources and support for victims is the problem. Not people suffering from a disorder. You are attacking strangers who have never so much as spoken to you, you are assuming people you have never met are cruel and evil for the crime of their brain working a little differently than yours. That is the problem.

The answer to your suffering is not going to come from screaming at people who were never involved with your situation. You are lashing out at the wrong thing.

[defiantsuggestions]

God, but there are moments where I still love you. And it hurts.

I wish I'd been born into a better family.

I wish I could stop grieving the one I had.

[defiantsuggestions]

Life is not a gift.

People act like having a baby is this wonderous thing and then they act like the resulting child owes them.

"Well, if nothing else, at least your parents are why you're here."

Oh boy. Constant stress, despair, toiling away endlessly trying to keep my head above water, and a debilitating fear of death that I can't escape from. I'm so glad I was born so I could be faced with a million different ways to suffer.

Fuck off.

[defiantsuggestions]

No child deserves to be hit.

And it's fucking sickening how society wants to point at shitty people and go "they're like that because they weren't hit enough as a kid!"

Fuck you. Okay? I'm so sick of this. The solution to selfish assholes is not to beat children more. Why the fuck are people so obsessed with their """right""" to hurt someone who can't fight back.

And yes, it is hurting. It is beating. It is hitting. If you did that to an adult you'd be charged for assault.

It's not discipline. It's abuse.

Hitting children is wrong.