i randomly realized that the way for me to measure the love and affection i have for someone is whether i envision a future with them or not.
my love for my family isn't just because i am supposed to love them– i love them for the subtlest of efforts and affection i receive from them. you don't love a family member automatically, do you? i mean, i don't love some of my aunts. sometimes, maybe. i really don't know. maybe just not the "i would do everything for them" kind of love. this means that i could go on with my life without having to be bothered by their existence. they are all easy to cut off. and i can envision a future without them.
it's an entirely different story with my mom. we argue almost everyday. i hate her most of the time. i could go on all day talking about the things she does that i absolutely dislike. she's too much for me the same way that i'm too much for her. but still, i can't picture out a future without her in it. she's like the scaffolds i need for me not to crumple.
i have different circles of friends from different stages of my life. few are gone, some are dormant. and no matter how low maintenance our relationships are, i know i hold them all dearly close to my heart. the thing is, there are special friends that i can envision a future with. one way or another, i could picture out myself living with them, growing white hairs with them, starting businesses with them, and deciding things out with them.
it is never the same with romantic partners though. i only had two in the past, which, when i think about it now, is so crazy to think about. i tried it a hundred times, but i could never force myself to envision a future with either of them. it's like my mind is automatically switching itself off from further thoughts about anything other than the present. i am completely aware that in my own reality, being in a romantic relationship should only be enjoyed in the present, because envisioning a present with them is painful when it fails. romantic partners are loved, should be loved, the way you know it, in the present.