???

if u were to live in the scaffolds of my mind, you'd build a house in wonder - from cassandra clare's i forgot which book

[teretory]

hi, how are you? it's been a decade, i guess? almost, if i'm not mistaken. you're finally free now-- in a literal sense. there are no more bars keeping you from the world. you are finally here with us. are you happy? perhaps. but is this what you have always imagined? are you getting the expected reactions from us? does it hurt you to think that maybe we aren't as thrilled to see you free? is it painful to hear we're shooing you away? do you realize that this is the consequence of being absent for a decade?

oh gosh :/ i found this draft lol it has probably been a year or two but i still feel the rage whenever i think of the years we wasted just being with you. you're literally the villain of our family's story

[moodcafe]

name moodboard: order for "laura" | ♫ now playing: like real people do by hozier

[teretory]

21 pm thoughts (in sweden rn)

i honestly don't know where to go and what to do right now. i am blessed to have plans that are somewhat set in stone, because i know people who don't. but these days, as i try to grasp the fact that i am getting older, i feel like i am not doing enough. i could do so much better than this. i have so much potential and i'm afraid i will lose it when i grow tired of aiming for the best. i know 23 is young. but it is also a crucial age to establish a secure life in the future.

how do i do everything at once? to create a comfortable life while pursuing my passions at once? i guess i will never know the answer. all i can do right now is to go wherever the waves of my life take me.

but just to be specific, here is a list of things i have in mind:

*study and practice law as a profession *work in a women's organization *volunteer in germany *volunteer in animal shelter/s in tagum (anywhere honestly) *start a sustainable and consistent business *bring my family abroad

i am no longer the religious girl i once was. but the act of calmingly closing my eyes as i whisper the dreams and aspirations of my heart, unsure about who to address them to, is still something i am sure i'll do 'til death.

praying, manifesting, believing.

[teretory]

stockholm and my älskling

[teretory]

it has been 3 years. it feels strange to think so much had happened in those years. i got into my dream university and dream course. i got good grades. i met a lot of new and amazing people. i am in an environment where learning changes so much of you. i am satisfied. and if i were given a chance to rethink my decisions and go back in time, i'd choose the same thing again in a heartbeat. over and over. but i was unhappy. i am stuck in the middle of the extremes. i feel elated at times but emptiness haunts me when i'm alone. i feel passive and drunk almost everyday. and it's natural. i am growing up. i am finally doing the things i have always wanted to do. i became independent. i matured. i see things in this world differently now. i am me and not me. and i love that for me. there are days when i feel stupid. i feel stupid for even thinking about so many stupid "what ifs" that don't even make sense to me. but i still long for you. i long for your everything. i long for the comfort and subtle gestures of affection. i long for the times you look down when we fight. or when you throw silly jokes. or when you show me your shy smile. or when you talk about the dreams that are just one step ahead of you. i find it hard to move forward. it's hard when even if i don't admit it, you became the standard. you set the bar for me. and i don't think there will be someone who can give me such comfort and satisfaction. i long for you but i guess it's good that i don't think about you all the time. the thought of you is as rare as a full moon. i don't hate the idea of you crossing my mind. and as much as i brush you off it, it just sends me to a painfully beautiful time. i wanna hug you. and tell you i'm sorry. for being me. for giving you so much pain. we are young. but i've known you enough to know you've been in a lot of pain that giving you more of it will be unforgivable. i wanna talk to you again. like about how you don't believe in jesus. or when you try to convince me "gods" are just us-- we pray and ask for forgiveness to ourselves, not to some deity. i wanna watch you do your most favorite thing in the world. i wanna tell you you're cute when you do your art. or when you try to sneakily touch my body. or when you complain about something that trips you off. i wanna do so much with you again. but i know i should bury these thoughts with me when i die. regrets are just hindrance for growth. but i wanna cry and tell you about my wins, too. and losses. and failures. i wanna tell you that you will love the new me more than you loved the stupid, young me.

i love you still. and this love will remain even when a greater love will come. i love you still. i love you enough for me to accept that i have to live a lifetime without you. i wish you health. and more than anything, success. bless you and your family. take care of your kid, i wanna see him grow just like you-- beautiful and brilliant.

[teretory]

wow i really wrote this ??? HAHHAHHAHA

[teretory]

i randomly realized that the way for me to measure the love and affection i have for someone is whether i envision a future with them or not.

my love for my family isn't just because i am supposed to love them– i love them for the subtlest of efforts and affection i receive from them. you don't love a family member automatically, do you? i mean, i don't love some of my aunts. sometimes, maybe. i really don't know. maybe just not the "i would do everything for them" kind of love. this means that i could go on with my life without having to be bothered by their existence. they are all easy to cut off. and i can envision a future without them.

it's an entirely different story with my mom. we argue almost everyday. i hate her most of the time. i could go on all day talking about the things she does that i absolutely dislike. she's too much for me the same way that i'm too much for her. but still, i can't picture out a future without her in it. she's like the scaffolds i need for me not to crumple.

i have different circles of friends from different stages of my life. few are gone, some are dormant. and no matter how low maintenance our relationships are, i know i hold them all dearly close to my heart. the thing is, there are special friends that i can envision a future with. one way or another, i could picture out myself living with them, growing white hairs with them, starting businesses with them, and deciding things out with them.

it is never the same with romantic partners though. i only had two in the past, which, when i think about it now, is so crazy to think about. i tried it a hundred times, but i could never force myself to envision a future with either of them. it's like my mind is automatically switching itself off from further thoughts about anything other than the present. i am completely aware that in my own reality, being in a romantic relationship should only be enjoyed in the present, because envisioning a present with them is painful when it fails. romantic partners are loved, should be loved, the way you know it, in the present.

[teretory]

it's past mother's day but a random thought occurred to me earlier at 3 am: childless aunts who assume mother roles when one is absent aren't appreciated enough. 

my family is growing, and my mother knows i don't have plans to contribute to the growing number. i recently counted all my nieces and nephews, and currently, i have 15 (more soon, i guess). not all ppl know, but i have 4 siblings on my mother's side and 2 more on my father's side. growing up, i'm used to babysitting and watching over my nieces and nephews. my eldest niece was even born on the same year as me (shout out to u, i love u). i watched my sisters have babies (planned or not) growing up. at a very young age, i was already exposed to babysitting babies younger than 12-month-olds. there were times when i wanted to read a book or play outside with other kids, but i was instead changing diapers or putting them to sleep. i used to think it was normal. now that i am old enough to understand how the world works, i think we should all agree that it's never okay to force or let a child take care of a child. i wouldn't say that my childhood was robbed from me entirely. in fact, i had a very lively and colorful childhood—one that i will never exchange for anything. anyways, the biggest takeaway from my experience as a young aunt is to always plan and practice safe sex (and legalize abortion). you are not the only person affected by your pregnancy; people around you, despite not telling you upfront, may be suffering to some degree as well. this, aside from the fact that i have a lot of pamangkin to support and love, is why i'm always vocal about not having kids. yes, it may change over time. but that is not for you to decide. pls stop pressuring women to have kids. literally thousands of kids are orphans. also, legalize abortion and divorce. thatz ol think u.

[teretory]

i can't afford to feel any more than what i feel right now. feelings are too fucking invasive. it flips my logic a full 180. it blurs all my reasons. it's blinding. it's impulsive and impatient. it takes up so much of the little time i have. it eats up the mental space i dedicated to far more important matters. i hate having feelings. i am never good at handling it. it fucks up my schedule and plans. it fucks me up all the time. so the next time someone gets to know me enough for me to willingly cross waters, i will always have my guards and walls up. tinted, safe, and thick. 

i need to remind myself that i have stops i need to reach and roads i need to take. this is the most critical election for me. this is the most critical semester for me. this is the most critical month for me. i don't need you to add to the aggregating agony i am already burdened with right now. be fucking sensitive. and man up. this doesn't mean i hate you though. it's a reminder for me not to give in too much. at the end of the day, i only have myself. i wish you well. :)

[foxymoxynoona]

I love JK and Sasha so much that I created them on Sims 4 hahahaha

I swear I did not make them do these things, they do them on their own. They are soooo in love and horny all the time lmaoo

I AM DYINGGGGGG

Considering how many hours of my life I have spent creating other book characters in the Sims, the flattery here is just killing me. Absolutely not surprised that their loving horny spirit transferred to their Sim counterparts. This is amazing.

I cannot be lured back into the sims though. I can't!!! You guys would never get more chapters of anything haha

[teretory]

corporate slave @ 21

currently typing this while waiting for customers with financial problems wanting to end their monthly subscription of $50. started working in september and have been suffering from insomnia and a messed up circadian rhythm for the past four months. i remember wanting to be employed so badly the year before. i was so desperate 'cause i was feeling so useless in the house. the routine never changes: i wake up, do my assignments, stay up very, very late to either do my academic requirements or entirely waste my time on useless shit, then wake up again to repeat the same thing. that was when i decided to accept commissions from my close friends (senior high school friends 'cause no offense, but my high school friends are privileged enough not to have side jobs that might take up time for school work). so yeah, i earned quite a lot just doing that. i was more excited about doing their tasks than finishing my own. money really is the best motivation of all. summer/semestral break went by and i got 0 commissions. so i polished my curriculum vitae and searched online all hours of the day and night for possible job listings and openings for which i am qualified. was ready for any negotiations, compromise, just about anything. i was more than ready to trade sleep for work 'cause i was literally just staying up so late doing useless shit while being a 21-year-old burden in the family. no one's pressuring me though. my mother, at first, was very against the thought of me working. but then no one really stopped me from doing things in our house. i got tattoos without my mom's permission. went to a faraway city for college without my mom's permission. i always break rules. in the end, i tried balancing work and school. 

bpo is shit. the most dehumanizing job i can think of. we were treated like robots, not humans. capitalism is the worst thing to ever exist in this world. imagine putting a group of people above your workers because they give you money. it creates division. everything is capitalized. even a prostitute's vagina and breasts are capitalized for survival. what i learned from working as a customer service representative is to never work for a bpo company ever again. that was enough experience for me. i felt like shit everyday. i just wanted to smash my head against the keyboard all the time.

i'm glad i'm out now. once i graduate, i will make sure no company can order me when to have breaks, lunch, and when to have my days off work. i will never be under someone higher than me ordering things i need to follow. that will never be my cup of coffee. i will work and survive under my own terms. that's the best lesson i got from my first job. 

i'm glad i'm out now. once i graduate, i will make sure no company can order me when to have breaks, lunch, and when to have my days off work. i will never be under someone higher than me ordering things i need to follow. that will never be my cup of coffee. i will work and survive under my own terms. that's the best lesson i got from my first job.

filed under: // things i never posted from my drafts

[teretory]

hi! here again cuz... idk man, i just wanna do everything right now just to avoid writing my papers due 3 days ago.

so i came across this jewish girl's tweet of her marrying the love of her life in the exact synagogue her wife's parents got married at. i know my stand on marriage is final and irrevocable, but a girl can dream, can't she? anyways, i am not sure if both of them are jewish or whatever but that's not the point. i was staring at the photos of that tweet and i, once again, got struck with a sudden thought: that if i ever marry (which btw is a scary thought), that someone is a blurry image in my head. no face, no gender, nothing. just a happy someone. i often change the face with a masculine cis man-- which is super fine with me. and then i flip the face and it reveals a beautiful woman smiling at me-- another super fine thought. i always go back to this happy sunny afternoon flirting in the kitchen scenario and i'm once again reminded i'm gay.

filed under: // things i never posted from my drafts

[writemywaytoyourheart]

Aim For The Heart | Chapter 19: Broken Promises

Pairing: hitman!jungkook x female reader

Genre: romance, drama, angst

WC: 4.9k

Trigger warning!!!! This chapter can get dark and upsetting, pls read the warnings and then decide whether you’re okay with reading it or not. If not, then skip to the non italicized section in this chapter!!!!

Warnings for this chapter: strong language, drugs dealing, implied past r@pe, attempted murder, blood, someone gets stitched up, minor alcohol consumption, fluff that’ll make you implode, also some angst.

summary; Jeon Jungkook is an infamous hitman, known for his inability to fail at whatever job is thrown his way. At least, up until now. Y/n, a kind-hearted and full of life teacher, is his newest target. Jeon isn’t sure who would put a hit on this seemingly innocent girl, but fortunately, that isn’t his problem. All he has to do is pull the trigger.

Previous > Next

5 years ago:

“My gosh, ____! Be careful!”

You laugh as Mina shakes her head and turns back to the garden she’s currently kneeling in, her knees positively covered in mud as she yanks weeds out of the ground in a huff.

You, on the other hand, are trying your best to start this monstrosity of a lawnmower.

Its handle is almost at your chin and you’re using all the strength you have in your weak arms to pull the darned string thingy that starts it.

You yank it again and again until finally, it comes alive.

It’s loud and makes you cringe, but you came prepared.

You grab the giant headphones you brought and place them on your head, effectively blocking out most of the sound coming from the giant machine.

Then you grab hold of the handle and push as hard as you can to get it moving.

A few minutes later, Mina turns at the sound of you screaming your head off.

She sees a blur of pink and yellow as the lawnmower pulls you across the yard, taking you captive.

She just shakes her head as she turns back to her weeding.

Keep reading

[teretory]

it has been 1 7 years. it's easy to forget when i'm living my life out here, a couple of municipalities and cities away from where he's buried. from his hometown. it doesn't affect me, hundred percent. it's even easier not to feel anything when i was only four when he left us, at an age that i couldn't process well the devastation and weight of his death. it's easier to be void of emotions when you're distant. out of sight, out of mind. but i got to see him 2 days ago. visited his home that has always been my summer getaway house. i've always loved it there-- loved how it smells, how it looked, how i listened to the noises i cannot find in my city. i love the feeling and the people and my family. my father's family. i am a product of an illicit affair. controversial, scandalous, and disappointing, i know. my mother made the mistake of bearing a child who soon had too meet her half-siblings and the wife after her father's death to fight for her rights as a child. things we're pretty tough for me and my mother at first. i was so small, so forgiving, so full of innocence. but it went smooth and soon enough, i call his home my home, too. i went there every school breaks. alone. thru a bus. with a phone in my hand. i started travelling at 6 years old. alone. i guess my mom's too afraid of meeting tita minda, my papsi's wife. not afraid 'afraid' but afraid to cause a scene if showing up at their door step with me would trigger tita. it's best to be safe.

every summer break, i would visit them. my two older siblings were already professionals by the time i got to know them. my sister's a medtech, while kuya's a professional teaching degree holder. i love them both so much, they both have features that remind me of papa. there are times when they look at me and all i see is pity in their eyes. i know all too well what those eyes tell me. i know all too well because i pity myself, too. i get crumbs of memories they have of papa when i listen to them talk about him. it makes me happy, amazed, and sad. i wanna know him, too. i wonder what was he like when my siblings behaved badly. was he as soft as he was to me? i am jealous of them. i only have good memories of papa. they weren't vivid and might be a little faded but i hold them in a small room in my heart, where i keep good memories that hurt me when i think about them.

now, every time i visit his hometown, i look around the place and imagine him doing ordinary things a father would. i can see him in every corner of his house. i can smell him from the dried wood scent of its interiors. now that i am 21, the pain of his absence is heavier. it's hurting me in a way i haven't imagined it would. i thought i was okay. but i go back to the years he lived and create scenarios where i can see him just being him around his family. to hurt myself that i wasn't there. and i would never get to experience those memories. i would never see him again, not in this lifetime. and he wouldn't ever see my sister's children. or know that i took up political science instead of pharmacy (like he wished).

someday, when i meet someone, a wife or a husband, i'll bring that someone there. we'll have beers while i'm introducing papa to her/him.

[foxymoxynoona]

IM SO EXCITED FOR FLUX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I FUCKING MISSED THEM ALL SO MUCH ISTG IM NOT EVEN EXAGGERATING IM SO EMOTIONALLY ATTACHED 😭 THANK U SO MUCH FOR CREATING THEM!!!!!!!

YAAAAY

A month off felt so long when I said it at the end of Little Bean btu the time FLEW BY for me.

[foxymoxynoona]

Flux

Part 2 of The Secret Songs series

Coming August 11th on my ao3: foxymoxy

Tour has ended but life only moves faster as Jungkook prepares for another album and Sasha gets exciting new career opportunities she just can’t say no to. What seems so pure and strong on summer vacation struggles under the onslaught of external pressures, internal demons, and missed connections. How can they ever find stability together when both their lives are so full of churn? And if the currents do tear them apart, how will they find their way back to each other?

AN: The fluff gets fluffier, the angst gets angstier, everyone will suffer, and if you’re looking for a simple idolverse AU, this isn’t it, as mental health issues for both Sasha and Jungkook really take the stage in this story. But I promise happiness after the storm!

Content warning/Tag List (probably incomplete until I’m actually adding things on ao3): Jeon Jungkook/Original Female Character(s), Jeon Jungkook & Original Female Character(s), Jeon Jungkook’s Family, Secret Relationship, Idols, Idol Jeon Jungkook, Alternate Universe - Idols, Jeon Jungkook-Centric, Jeon Jungkook is Bad at Feelings, Explicit Sex, Falling In Love, Young Love, World Travel, Noona Kink, Childhood Trauma, Past Child Abuse, Psychological Trauma, Panic Attacks, Bisexuality, Queer Character, Recovery, Explicit Sexual Content, Sexual Content, Sexual Humor, Past Sexual Abuse, Past Sex Trafficking, Awkward Sexual Situations, Depression, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Jealousy, Alcohol, Heartbreak, Breakups, Angst with a happy ending, Mental health, Hurt/Comfort, Anal Sex, Risky sex, Unprotected sex, Questionable Decisions, Public and Semi-public sex, Scandal, Weight Loss/Gain, Blowjobs, Period Sex, Unhealthy lifestyles, 

There are two places I’m considering ending this story depending on what feels right. If I keep it going longer, I’ll do a tag refresh once I make that decision. It would add some additional things like public scandal, enlistment of members, reckless behavior, and more things I’m sure I can’t remember that far ahead yet. 

If you have questions, particularly ones that might help me identify more common tags for an angsty story (BUT WITH A HAPPY ENDING), feel free to ask! Just prepare for lots of sunglasses emojis for non-CW things I refuse to answer 😉

[teretory]

SO GODDAMNED EXCITED HNGGG I FEEL SO STOKED

[kkulmoon]

[teretory]

GAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

[foxymoxynoona]

hi mother of all jk stans!!!! this isn't a question but i'm pretty sure you already learned about BTS' song "coffee" being a remake. i listened to the original one just now and realized it could be a Little Bean track or something (cuz it's about coffee and love lmao idk but it could be a song they listened to there huhu give it a listen if you haven't already!!!)

here's the link: https://youtu.be/xQmbapQJiTM

this is so cute and funny because you are going to reveal how much I don't know! I'm watching the music video for BTS' version now, I must have seen this aaaaages ago. So this is even funnier because you're right, this song is perfect for Little Bean and stays relevant through the second book but I didn't remember it at all. How funny. Thank you for bringing this up!

[teretory]

you are most welcome!!!!! i'm happy i reminded you 🥰🥰🥰 now i cannot wait for flux and get my heart broken while listening to both versions