What type of screwball comedy situations do you want to see your ships/families getting into?
One of my all-time favorite farce gags is when you have a set with a lot of doors and Person A is trying to hide Person B from Person C so puts them in separate rooms but everyone keeps wandering into the wrong place and there’s a lot of increasingly frantic running and door slamming and unconvincing excuses and also everyone is wearing either evening wear or underwear. (Clue does this a little when the cop shows up and they’re trying to figure out a room they can put him in that doesn’t have a dead body in it.) I don’t know if this could be pulled off in comics and I know prose can’t do it, but all I’m saying, why does Wayne Manor have so many rooms and so many beautiful idiots if not for exactly this purpose?
...Oops I started thinking about it and it immediately blossomed in my mind:
Bruce is pulling the “Brucie” act on Vicki Vale so he brings her back to Wayne Manor after one of their interview dates but has to maintain the playboy persona because she already suspects he’s Batman and becomes increasingly suspicious thanks to everything that’s about to happen.
Selina has unexpectedly shown up to get freaky and Bruce has to keep them apart for both love triangle reasons and “Selina is a known felon” reasons.
Jim Gordon is there to talk to Bruce about whatever and Bruce also has to keep him from figuring out Selina is there.
Dick and Babs were hooking up but Bruce and Jim don’t know they’re a thing so they have to get Babs out of the house without any of the adults spotting her.
There was a mob hit on the quiet road leading up to Wayne Manor but the gangsters (who are lovable buffoons working for like Black Mask or someone who did the actual killing) panicked when they saw Jim’s car and decided to hide the body in Wayne Manor.
Jason finds the body and is like “Shit, I’m gonna get blamed for this” so he keeps moving it so that no one will find it.
Tim’s cowl got fucked up somehow in a fight and now he can’t get it off, so he’s wandering the Manor looking for someone who can help, but he can’t let Vicki or Jim see him. Also, he managed to get the rest of his costume off, so it’s just Red Robin cowl + tighty whities and he’s mortified.
Selina, Babs, and Jason are all also in their underwear. (“Jason, why did you find a dead body and immediately take all your clothes off?” “Can we focus on the real problem here?” “Depending on what your answer is, I think that is the real problem here.”) Dick is in a towel.
Damian brought home another pet against explicit orders not to do so and is trying to find a place to hide it.
The pet is either a peacock or a goat that keeps screaming, or a parrot that has learned to say “I’m Batman.” Also, it can open doors.
Duke already thought the house was haunted and now that he keeps hearing but not seeing the pet, he’s sure.
Jason and Tim make him go talk to Jim because he’s actually dressed and Jim’s like “So...how do you like living at Wayne Manor?” and Duke’s like “IT’S DEFINITELY NOT HAUNTED.”
At some point Vicki stumbles across the dead body and Bruce has to Weekend at Bernie’s it even though he has absolutely zero idea how a dead body ended up in his study.
At another point Jim runs into a hastily disguised Selina and Dick and Damian have to convince him she’s their “beloved Aunt Harriet.” (“Dick, why are you in a towel?” “...Pants allergy.”)
The dopey gangsters are still in the house hiding from everyone. They also think the house is haunted.
Damian finds the dead body and is convinced his family is in danger so he gets his sword. (“Why does that small child have a katana?” “We believe in the importance of extracurriculars. Also, it’s a jian.”)
Talia abruptly arrives halfway through, causing further chaos.
Alfred remains completely implacable throughout and saves the day in the last five minutes with a brilliantly complex Jeevesian maneuver and impeccable timing.
Damian gets to keep his pet.
SOMEONE STAGE THIS PLAY/FILM THIS FILM.
