Life under President Sigma Seven
I found this old text file on a hard drive from 2013 (it’s hauntingly prescient in a few places). It’s my narrative version of a game of Democracy 3 (2?) I was playing with some marginal success, finally. Sadly, it just cuts off in 2020. I either got bored or started losing badly, can’t remember which....
(I tweaked a Chargers-miss-the-playoffs reference to refer to their move to LA. I still don’t want to talk about it.)
Anyhow, enjoy the fact that I forgot the inauguration would be in 2017, not 2016 (I may have been tired/medicated while composing this little missive):
Wednesday, January 20, 2016 After running on a platform based largely on contempt for the American voter and promising to bring back Firefly, Ironic Anarchist Party candidate Sigma Seven was sworn in as the 45th President of the United States and the first to have successfully completed the entire Mass Effect trilogy.
Seven's inauguration address reiterated his campaign's primary goals: eliminating crime, erasing the deficit, making inroads on the national debt, increasing Americans' health, and ending poverty. The particulars of this initiative were still somewhat vague, though he used the word "magnets" 76 times during his speech.
Monday, February 15, 2016 The first major act of the Seven administration came with the signing of the Moar Police OMG Bill, which increases spending on national and local police and investigative staff from $31 billion to $51.65 billion. Despite an $8.63 billion deficit and a $3.1 trillion dollar debt, the bill gained widespread support from grassroots initiatives, especially among conservatives.
A highly-placed source inside the White House indicates funding for various national intelligence services has also increased, but that could not be confirmed.
Friday, March 18, 2016 President Seven signed into law the All Your Jailz Are Belong To Us Bill, which allowed the operation of privately-owned and -managed prisons. Consolidation of the prison system, Seven said, would bring consistency to the incarceration of American prisoners. This move has been largely applauded by liberal and civil rights groups.
Monday, March 28, 2016 President Seven's approval rating has taken a minor two-percentage-point drop, giving him 23.6% approval nationwide. The president insists much of the dissent can be blamed on Joss Whedon's unwillingness to return his phone calls.
Friday, April 1, 2016 President Seven signed legislation curtailing the activity of debt collection agencies, restricting use of unsolicited phone calls and capping interest rates for short-term loans. Multiple occurrences of the word "dirtbags" in the law were scratched out in the bill's final draft by a sheepish-looking vice president.
Monday, April 11, 2016 President Seven signed the Electric Punchbug Initiative today, increasing federal subsidies for hybrid vehicles from $1 billion to $3.7 billion. An unnoticed clause in the 3,590-page document, requiring all such vehicles to be bug-shaped and/or bug-painted, went completely unnoticed by legislators of both parties until a gloating president pointed it out, snickering, during his morning press conference. President Seven has promised any future expansion of federal health care laws will cover punchbug-related injuries.
Friday, April 15, 2016 President Seven waited until late Friday afternoon to sign the Sip It And Grip It Bill, which institutes a nationwide 75% tax on all alcohol sold for human consumption. Notes left on a Post-It on the White House front door indicate that this measure is more of a deterrent than an attempt at leveraging an income source, and also, "sorry lol."
Thursday, May 5, 2016 President Seven signed the Phoenix Wright Law today, increasing federal legal aid from $4.77 billion to $9.31 billion, effective August 1. While the move was applauded by liberal and social justice groups, President Seven did not hold a press conference, only issuing a statement acknowledging that "y'all prolly still pissed off about the booze thing."
Monday, March 23, 2016 President Seven signed the Personal Information Collection Allowed to Be Unveiled Act, extending and expanding the Freedom of Information Act to databases of personal data held by medical, insurance, and debt-collection entities. The PICABU Act would not extend to personal web browser or search history, the president insisted to a press corps which had collectively stopped breathing.
Wednesday, June 1, 2016 Amid reports of a gradual downturn of the national crime rate, President Seven is enjoying a personal-best 48% approval rating, with retired, conservative, and state-employee focus groups giving the highest marks.
Monday, June 13, 2016 The president's two-week vacation kicked off today with news that he had quietly signed the Yeah I Did That Thing Again Act, which increases national taxation of tobacco products from 11% to 75%. The move will bring in an additional estimated $90 billion per quarter, but polls indicate that literally 0% of Americans approve of increasing tobacco laws. The president was, unsurprisingly, unavailable for comment, and the vice president is currently hiding behind large pieces of furniture.
Friday, August 12, 2016 In a prime-time televised statement, the president announced that a top-secret military raid by a classified unit in a classified location had captured the mastermind of a terrorist network, the identity of both being...classified. High-resolution pool photographs of the president indicated the phrase "I ain't telling you shit" crossed out on his printed speech notes.
Monday, August 22, 2016 The Bureau of Justice Statistics announced this morning that the wave of antisocial conduct which had plagued the country for a year was officially broken, and that national crime rates have dropped 26.7% since January.
Wednesday, August 31, 2016 Amid bipartisan support, the president signed the Race Discrimination Act into law today, a move lauded not only by minority and liberal groups, but 70% of the entire American populace, as well.
Monday, October 3, 2016 President Seven signed his nationwide recycling imitative today, providing $9.33 billion in government funds for universal doorside collection of most recyclable household products.
Friday, October 28, 2016 The Federal Reserve announced today that an uptick in the gross domestic product helped eliminate the budget deficit, and a $168.36 billion budget surplus has lowered the national debt to under $3 trillion. President Seven issued a statement consisting entirely of a yelled "I done tol' you!" with an emphatic right-hand two-finger gesture, after which he strutted back to the Oval Office.
Tuesday, November 22, 2016 The National Center on Family Homelessness reported today that despite drops in crime and unemployment, the number of Americans living in poverty has increased 28% since January. President Seven unveiled an anti-poverty task force in a Rose Garden ceremony today, off-handedly mentioning "I was getting around to this, sorry."
Monday, November 28, 2016 A new bill pushed through conference committee at presidential behest would expand the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program, popularly known as food stamps, by $4 billion to $23.47 billion by January. The president announced that this was just the first step in what would be a series of measures to combat American poverty and homelessness, both of which have increased under his administration.
Sunday, December 4, 2016 Following the San Diego Chargers' announced move to Los Angeles, the president interrupted prime-time programming for a special announcement that, after analysis, turned out to be nothing but an uninterrupted string of profanity, sometimes in different languages or reversed or ROT13'd. An executive order signed an hour earlier gave the president the capacity to "say whatever the [heck] I want on TV."
Tuesday, December 13, 2016 Spurred by poor earnings and increasing poverty levels, several prominent trade unions have called for a general strike to begin at midnight. The strike's purpose, say labor leaders, is to advocate for a living wage and better health coverage for current workers as well as unemployment assistance.
Friday, December 23, 2016 When Congress reconvenes after the holiday break, they will begin debate on the most ambitious of President Seven's proposals: the Back to School Act, which would burn off almost the entire federal budget surplus on public education, increasing funding from $94.27 billion to a proposed $228 billion in three years. President Seven says the measure is a necessary step to fight poverty and unemployment in the long term.
Tuesday, January 3, 2017 The Centers for Disease Control announced that alcohol consumption in the United States has decreased by 48% in the last year.
Monday, January 9, 2017 As expected, the United States' credit rating has been downgraded to CCC amid economic uncertainty and labor strife.
Tuesday, February 28, 2017 With approval ratings at a personal-best 58%, President Seven is nevertheless, by his own admission, "hiding out" at Camp David amid reports of a budget deficit over $300 billion.
Monday, April 3, 2017 Despite a recent sweatshop scandal, congressional and labor leaders announced the Peoria Accord, ending the general strike that had stifled the American economy for four months.
Tuesday, June 6, 2017 Despite the president not making a public appearance in three months, the Community Policing Initiative of 2017, which was left on his desk in the Oval Office, was found, signed, by White House clerks early this morning. The bill will provide $14.51 billion in funding for community watch groups to act in cooperation with local law enforcement. The president is rumored to have gained access to the White House by being disguised as a Coke machine.
Monday, July 3, 2017 On the eve of the nation's birthday, the Environmental Protection Agency announced that pollution levels in the United States were at their lowest in 40 years.
Monday, July 11, 2017 A dramatic rebound of the nation's gross domestic product has turned a $300 billion deficit into a $194.48 billion surplus, according to the nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office.
Monday, July 24, 2017 From an undisclosed location, President Seven announced via Skype his approval of the Pell Grant expansion sent to his desk last week. The bill, which the president has indicated he would sign, will raise the amount of government grants for university education from $107 billion a year to over $240 billion year by January of next year.
Wednesday, August 9, 2017 After confessing to binge-watching From the Earth to the Moon on NetFlix, President Seven signed a bill increasing NASA funding by 20%, with the agency's new goal the establishment of a permanent space station.
Wednesday, September 20, 2017 The Beltway rumor mill is working overtime after reporters discovered White House Press Secretary Heather Campbell's updated resume on LinkedIn.
Wednesday, October 18, 2017 President Seven returned to Washington for the first time in several months amid reports of a new general strike, rising pollution levels, and a swoon in the gross domestic product. He was unhappy to return, he expressed in terms not fit for public consumption.
Monday, November 6, 2017 To bipartisan acclaim and in light of a renewed budget surplus, President Seven repealed the nationwide car tax today. The only major lobbying group to oppose the repeal was the Survivors of Punchbug Trauma, whose membership has swelled in the last several months.
Tuesday, November 28, 2017 Even amid the general strike, labor groups are applauding the Seven administration's offer of extended coffee breaks for all American workers. However, a late-minute lobby by the American Heart Association has curtailed the president's mandatory coffee break plans, at least for the time being.
Tuesday, December 5, 2017 In what insiders are calling a "watershed moment" in the American penal system, President Seven is proposing a complete overhaul of the nation's prisons, championing what he says would refocus the mission of the facilities from containment to re-education and rehabilitation with the ultimate goal of producing citizens ready to be reintegrated to society. Prominent members of both parties have replied anonymously with "Yeah, right" at least a dozen times. The cost of prison upgrades and maintenance would roughly double over the next year to $64 billion a year.
Wednesday, December 20, 2017 A foreign website has posted what it says are early drafts for an upcoming retooling of the American healthcare system under the name "SevenCare." The veracity of the posting is undermined by a paragraph that would give the president the powers and privileges of a doctor of any discipline and require that he no longer be addressed as "Mister President" but "Doctor President."
Tuesday, December 26, 2017 An anonymous source in the Seven cabinet has confirmed the accuracy of the SevenCare leak, adding, "You don't want to push the doctor thing, believe me."
Saturday, December 30, 2017 President Seven signed the Mary Kate and Ashley Act into law, making it illegal to employ any American under the age of 16 for more than five hours a week. The Senate invoked cloture after an embarrassing hour of confusing the law with the Miley Cyrus Act, which regulates the acceptable behavior of an extended tongue in a public setting.
Tuesday, January 9, 2018 With President Seven's term nearing the half-way point, his 73% approval rating has been tempered by the downgrade of America's credit rating to a new-low CC. The president's news conference on the downgrade was marred by the president's inability to say "CC" without immediately following it with "Sabathia." All major international credit agencies issued statements reiterating that there is no such rating as CC Sabathia.
Monday, January 22, 2018 President Seven's State of the Union address made oblique mentions to possible health care reform initiatives, while predicting swift resolution to renewed labor strife and pollution issues while including the fewest number of profanities of any of his previous addresses, coming in at just 40.
Wednesday, January 31, 2018 By executive order, use of the font Comic Sans is now a felony.
Tuesday, February 6, 2018 Congressional Budget Office estimates indicate that the quarterly budget deficit will top $500 billion.
Monday, February 26, 2018 President Seven vetos legislation that would create a nationwide DNA database for tracking suspects, noting that nowhere in the legislation is the word "suspect" defined.
Friday, March 2, 2018 After nine cups of coffee, a confident President Seven announces "I can do anything today" at approximately 8:12 am. By 4:20 pm, the nationwide general strike is over, studies are released that indicate pollution and alcohol abuse are at new national lows, and the Department of Education says Americans are more prepared and trained for entering the workforce than ever before.
Monday, March 5, 2018 President Seven has been asleep for three days. According to the Constitution, if he does not awaken tomorrow, he must be jostled in a rousing fashion by the President pro tempore of the Senate.
Tueday, March 6, 2018 The president is awake, but photography has been forbidden under penalty of exsanguination.
Monday, March 19, 2018 After a new poll shows President Seven with an unprecedented 81.9% approval rating, opposition party members have unified their message, emphasizing the nation's most outstanding political issues -- an asthma epidemic, drug abuse, and Internet crime. The presidential response amounts to three words on official letterhead: "Ain't no thang." The president also Instagrams himself doing duckface before embarrassingly deleting it.
Friday, April 6, 2018 Press Secretary Heather Campbell has resigned via a Twitter post. In a sign that the parting is amicable, the president retweeted the resignation tweet without a single Internet acronym or emoticon. Kathryn Sanchez, a former representative from Arizona whose popularity with trade unions made her a powerful force in the House, is the favorite to replace Campbell, who is said to be working on a book of her experiences in the White House.
Monday, April 23, 2018 During the morning press conference, the Associated Press pool reporter asked the president "Have you seen the new numbers on the national debt?" The president replied that he had not, and when he heard the figure, as is his wont, responded in many words that cannot be repeated or describe acts of blasphemy or physical improbability.
Tuesday, May 1, 2018 Spurred by last quarter's deficit, the national debt, after fluctuating for the last two years, now stands at $4.3 trillion. The budget for this quarter, however, is being buoyed by a strong worldwide GDP and is operating under a projected $291 billion surplus.
Wednesday, May 16, 2018 New polls from Gallup indicate presidential approval has dropped over 40 points since March, giving the president a 38% approval rating. According to the new numbers, the president is barely more popular than stepping on a Lego, botulism, and not being able to find a parking spot downtown. However, the latest Zogby poll shows the president has a 203% approval rating, numbers even the White House are finding somewhat suspicious.
Friday, June 1, 2018 The president posted an enigmatic Tweet this morning, saying only "see u suckrz in august roflmao," and changing his Twitter location to the simple phrase "nunya." The president's daily Instagram of his cooling Caribou Coffee clearly shows the outline of a window on Air Force One.
Monday, June 4, 2018 Internet icon Grumpy Cat was welcomed to ring the opening bell at the New York Stock Exchange this morning, but it will remain forever unknown if her presence contributed to the 600-point drop in the Dow Jones Industrial Average and subsequent crash felt across international markets.
Monday, June 11, 2018 Nobel laureate Paul Krugman said today that the nation was in a state of "profound recession," including references to growing pollution concerns and escalating gridlock through major American urban centers.
Wednesday, June 13, 2018 In a 5-4 decision along political lines, the Supreme Court ruled today that laws requiring the president's signature could not be signed via Twitter. The president later posted a bit.ly link that Rickrolled the entire court. The court declined to review the legal standing of an Instagrammed signed coffee citing, for some reason, the War Powers Act.
Tuesday, June 26, 2018 The Centers for Disease Control noted today that drug abuse had reached a 60-year low, while the Department of Justice announced that Internet crime was also at a 60-year low...somehow. The president posted a YouTube link to Geto Boys' "Damn It Feels Good to be a Gangsta," which was promptly taken down for copyright infringement.
Monday, July 2, 2018 Paul Krugman boldly announced that the "American debt crisis is over," noting the country's $92 billion dollar surplus. Markets replied with indifference and a general malaise.
Wednesday, July 18, 2018 Reports are circulating around the Beltway that a SevenCare proposal is still being revised, though its cost would be in the range of $600 billion a year. The Doctor President clause has been confirmed to exist by a highly-placed source in the administration.
Wednesday, August 1, 2018 President Seven's bold, confident arrival into Andrews Air Force Base was marred when a reporter asked about the president's plans to run again. The president closed his eyes tightly and said many words that only adults can use.
Tuesday, August 28, 2018 The Automobile Association of America announced that urban gridlock issues had come to an end, largely due to the injury and treatment of multiple punchbugging. A law criminalizing the punchbug died in committee last week.
Monday, September 17, 2018 Department of Justice Director Christopher Rodriguez gave his morning press conference in a chicken suit, replying to every question with a series of clucking sounds. An administration official indicated that Rodriguez may have made a substantial wager on the outcome of yesterday's Kansas City Royals/Washington Nationals game, which the Royals won in extra innings. This account is possibly supported by the president Tweeting the word "chikin" repeatedly for almost two hours. Privately, Rodriguez is said to be seriously displeased.
Friday, September 21, 2018 A YouTube video posted by a group calling itself the Revolutionary Army made a series of demands and threats against the Seven administration today. After some research, the Department of Justice found that the Revolutionary Army had threatened terrorist acts against various members of the government for several years, but had done so on Google Plus, so nobody noticed.
Thursday, October 18, 2018 New Gallup polls show the president's approval rating at 78%. The president seemed moderately stunned during his morning press conference before nodding and saying "Yeah, that's right."
Monday, November 19, 2018 Global economic strain pushed the national budget into a $110 billion deficit and the national debt back to $4.2 trillion. Amid calls to balance the budget, the president has refused to either increase taxes or cut spending, particularly defense spending, a popular target for deficit hawks. The president's sole justification for keeping defense spending at its exorbitant rate has been "Don't wanna."
Monday, January 21, 2019 At his State of the Union address, President Seven literally dared the populace to vote for the opposition candidate in the next election. His ominous statement of "I know where you live" became a mantra, repeated 13 times during his speech.
Wednesday, February 6, 2019 The Southern Poverty Law Center announced today that racial tension in the United States has fallen by a third and crime has been more than halved, indicating a probable endorsement of President Seven in the November election.
Friday, March 18, 2020 President Seven refuses to campaign for reelection and has taken to what his staffers privately call "pouting" in the Oval Office. Administration officials and party representatives are especially hesitant to prod the president on the issue, as those who do so have had the White House Wi-Fi password changed on them without notice.
April 12, 2020 While opposition party primaries are winding down, the president's reelection campaign has started without him, taking quotes out of context to use as motivational material during rallies and the eventual convention. At the moment, the campaign's slogan is "Seven '16, I Don't Even Care."
May 4, 2020 An American has become the first person to win the Nobel Prize for Literature with an Internet meme. The winner, known popularly as LeGaLiZe_420, has credited Adobe Photoshop and the font Impact for his recognition.
June 12, 2020 Worldwide economic forecasts remain dire, even as the United States' credit rating is bumped back up to 'B.'
