#demon john walker

[lollypopunicorn14]

Your prayers won't save you 🕊

Pairing: Priest Bob Reynolds x Disowned Nun Fem Reader x Demon John Walker 

Wordcount: 15.9K (Sorry not Sorry)

Authors Note: Okay. Technically this is a sequel to this already filthy SentryAgent piece (Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.) I just couldn't hold my religious trauma back and extended it to an x Reader fic (OC please don’t stone me). If you want to understand the dynamics between Bob and John I recommend reading the “first part” again. 

Warnings: John, Smut, Pre-Established SentryAgent kinda Relationship, Lots and Lots of religious trauma and unhealthy copying mechanisms, Reader has been taken advantage of in the past, heavy past misogyny, physical punishment, attempts of suicide, selfharm, blood, prayers, yes the themes are really heavy but Bob is a total sweetheart towards reader and so is John (in his own ways), did i mentioned the filthy smut? (If i didnt go to hell for the first part this one will do, at least I will have it warm) 

@buckywouldbeproud Thought tagging might seem appropriate giving the themes

@uzmacchiato thank you for the divider!

Small droplets of rain fall down the old and dirty windows. The wind howls through the cracks of the old wooden doors, it is not cold and still the weather lets you shiver. It didn't matter where you were in this old building. On this day John decided to pay Bob a visit. Even after all this time Bob couldn't figure out a rhythm so he was glad for every day, minute, second, except now. He has reread the words on the letter at least ten times by now yet the massage wouldn't sink in. 

"Shit."

"Hey, no swearing inside church." 

"Shut it John." Bob has to look for his glasses not believing what he just read, John hands them over to him. 

"The church, they are sending someone." John is not impressed, rather bored.

"They just want to know why you're still alive." 

"No John, someone permanent like me. A woman." 

"You make it sound as if they are sending a hangman."

"You know I don't mean it that way. Apparently her title as a nun was revoked."

"Oh wow, what did she do? Ate meat on a friday or cut her own hair?"

"Nymphomaniac behaviour." John's eyes shoot wide, his hands immediately grabbing the letter out of Bob's hand. 

"Now this is getting interesting."

"You will leave her alone. They are probably sending her here because of me. You know since I’m not interested in women at all."

"Who knows maybe she can change your mind, happens sometimes."

"There is no way in hell or heaven John." 

God's was Bob wrong, so god damn wrong. The day you arrived has been the hardest day in his life so far. 

It hurt how fearful you looked when you've been dropped off at the entrance with a single suitcase in hand. How your gaze was fixed on your feet, never daring to look at him directly, how you didn't dare to talk. 

On the other hand it gave him the opportunity to look at you fully more than once and what can he say? Your face has occupied his mind entirely, especially your eyes, brilliant as diamonds.Your figure, so soft yet he could see the baggage you are carrying.

When he showed you your room heavy guilt settled in his chest, firstly because your room had a clear view of the graveyard and second letting you sleep in those four walls knowing fully well that someone is up to no good here. 

"I apologize, the letter, it arrived only two days ago. We can switch if you want." 

You didn't seem to mind, you didn't seem to mind anything at all. You just let yourself fall on the edge of the bed, staring at nothing, your voice only a distant whisper. 

"Thank you father." When he closed the door behind him he lingers for a second listening to your sobs. From the first minute it was clear that the church lied to him, but it's not like that is something new. 

He was right at cooking dinner when he nearly dropped the spatula, a finger or rather something similar taps him on the shoulder. 

"And?" 

"Oh god damn it John!…you need a bell or something."

"Did she already pushed you against a wall to suck you off or tried to jump your-"

"John, leave it. They lied."

"Shocking. So, can I?" He wriggles his eyebrows, smile as devilish as ever.

"I beg you, please leave her alone."

"Oh you're begging already?"

Within the blink of an eye Bob is pushed down to his knees. Cheeks rosy, breaths short and John's relentless hand in his hair moving back and forth. 

"I will never get tired of you, you god damn cry baby." With more strength than usual Bob is capable of bringing some distance between him and John's cock. 

"Be quiet or she will hear us."

"And we can't have that, can we?" With a rough push Bob is back all the way at the thick base, his nose brushed in John's hair. 

"Dont spill anything. She will see it on your robe, maybe you should start wearing the white one more." While John comes deep down Bob's throat his hands hold his face in place. 

You're so occupied with your own thoughts that you don't notice how Father Reynold's voice is a little raspy and that he has to cough from time to time.  

"Since it's your first night here I thought dinner in bed would be nice." You don't move one inch, don't look at him, again your words are short and soft. 

"Thank you father."

You don't touch the food, just the thought of it nearly lets you throw up. At some point you change into your nightwear, shutting off all the lights. To your luck, sleep takes over you fast. 

You don't even remember the dream when you wake up. All you know is that you're shaking everywhere, your chest heaving unnaturally. 

The sun already perks so you get ready. You're kneeling in front of the altar repeating your prayers when Father Reynolds finally joins you. 

"Good morning sister." Your eyes stay focused and the statue in front of you. "I am not a nun anymore, father."

"You skipped breakfast." It wasn't really the fact that you skipped breakfast that can happen. It was the fact that he saw that you didn't eat anything from dinner he brought you yesterday. 

Still you say nothing lost in prayers keeping your mind distracted. 

"And how was sleep? Any nightmares?" The way he asks with such certainty in his voice as if he already knew the answer is what stops. 

"The bed is good," You swallow hard and hope that he will not ask for a further explanation. "It makes up for the nightmares." To your luck he doesn't poke still you can see from the corner of your eyes that his expression changes. His body seems more tense than before and you're sure he is grinding his teeth. 

"Did I say something wrong father?" That pulled him out of whatever he was thinking about his eyes going soft at your question.  

"Everything is alright sister." 

"Stop that please, we both know I am no longer-"

"Do you want to be one?" You think, not because you are questioning yourself rather because there is a chance that he is simply taunting you, still you nod. 

"Then that's what you will be at least here, I don't care what the church says."

It is a drop in the sea your heart blooms nevertheless, sadly that is the kindest thing everyone has ever done for you in a long time. You bring yourself to look at him and you regret it immediately. His blue eyes shine back at you with a devotion you have never seen before. Maybe you're just imagining things again so you focus your gaze back on the rosary in your hand. 

"Thank you Father Reynolds."

"It's Bob to you."

"But-" Again you swallow, not wanting to argue with him, it could be worse, there could be so much worse than calling him by his first name. You thought everything was said and done but he continues. 

"You and I will hold mass together this Sunday." 

"I don’t think that is a good idea. The people will talk." The trembling in your voice is involuntary but you can't do anything about it; the idea just doesn't sit right with you. You are here to be useful and regret your sins, service is for people who are faithful. 

Yet again not only his eyes but his whole face turns meek, something you don’t deserve. “Do you believe me when I say that the people in this town are rather, let's say, open minded.” You look back at him, he is smiling from ear to ear and his words sound so honest, how can you not believe him?

--------------

You don't know what has gotten into you but somehow you find yourself outside, looking up to the window of your own room. If you already have that great view of the cemetery, then it's the only right thing to do to at least take a quick look at it. Leaving short, well-meant prayers for the deceased. The cold temperatures make sure that your teeth tremble just as much as your hands. You're strolling mindlessly until your eyes get stuck on one tombstone.

-Father Miller beloved member of the church Born* 1931 Died 1955*-

You speak your prayer and think nothing to it, that is until you're halfway through the row which is longer than all the previous ones. All of them died within a two-year span of each other. You take a deep breath, curiosity gets the best of you so you keep walking and when you reach the last one you freeze. 

-Father Preston beloved member of the church Born 1980 Died*... 

"Oh my god." You take a step back mind racing "one and a half years ago", again you pray hands pressing together as if it could bring any of them back. 

"Oh trust me, they don’t deserve your prayers sister." You squeak, every hair on your arms and neck stands up, you look around to find that you're alone.

"Father Reynolds?"  Nothing except a single crow decides to fly from its nest, over your head and all the way in the adjacent small woods. The crack of a branch gets your attention back, your breathing goes up rapidly and becomes painfully audible in your ear when you notice it from the corner of your eyes. A shadow, lurking, when it starts moving just the tiniest bit you don’t run, you fly. Away from the graveyard back inside the church, a pain in your chest and something solid stops you, hands holding you in place by your shoulders. 

"Hey, hey is everything alright?" You look like a startled animal, your eyes needing a few seconds before they can process that it is just Bob in front of you. 

You should tell him, you should just tell him what happened, what you saw but you don't. Too scared of that he may judge you or worse, declares you as insane.

"I- I just thought I heard a bear. Outside. In the woods." He lets go of your shoulders and takes a step back, scanning you from head to toe which causes you to shift from one foot to the other.

"You have dirt on your habit, you should go change." You look down on yourself, he is right. Did you fall over at some point? You don't remember but you are relieved by his proposition, so relieved that your words are a little too light for the way your face looks. 

"Pardon me, you are right, I will go change, right now." Without further question he lets you pass.

The same night at 2 am you're strolling around making your way to the kitchen hoping that some tea will help you fall asleep, however you come to stop a good four feet away from the kitchen hiding in a small niche because not only do you hear Bob talking, you hear another voice too. 

"I told you to stay away from her."

"Bobby I am telling you this only one more time, I didn't go near her. I gave you a promise."

Bobby? That sounds pretty intimate, your heart starts to race, you definitely shouldn't be here.

"I didn't cause her any nightmares and with the graveyard... Well technically I was far away from her." Bob has his arms crossed, tapping his foot slightly. 

"Could it be that you want to keep her to yourself?"

"To myself? John, what the hell are you talking about?" 

"I can see the way your eyes soften when you talk about her. I can see how your breath hitches, hear how your heart jumps." You couldn't hear or see any of this though, this John decided to change to a low whisper. What you can in fact hear is Bob's response. 

"Fuck off!" You couldn't even imagine that he is capable of screaming so full of rage. It lets you jump back and while doing so you knock over the vase which ultimately shatters on the ground. You freeze in your spot, sweat already forming on your forehead. When he comes out of the kitchen and looks at you, the scene, you feel like a deer in headlights.

"You’re still awake?"

You don't answer his question, rather you brabble, close to tears. "I’m- I’m sorry, the vase I- I buy a new one I promise."

He rubs his chin, his stubbles giving off a light buzz, he blinks rapidly. The fact that he can see a single tear roll over your cheek is what gets him moving. He is at your side gently placing his hand on your shoulder. 

"Dont worry about it, we don't cry over belongings here." He guides you to the kitchen and onto one of the chairs. 

"Lavender or chamillion?" How does he know you're here for tea? Well how are you supposed to know that not so long ago he was nearly in the same position as you and besides that the bags under your eyes tell the story altogether.  

"Chamillion, please." While the kettle boils the water and Bob is busy looking through the cupboards your head is racing. Should you ask him? Mention that you heard him talking to someone? Then you remember it is in the middle of the night, you haven't eaten since your arrival here. Again you come to the conclusion that you were simply imagining things.

"You don't have to keep doing that."

"What do you mean?" 

"You don't have any real responsibilities here. I appreciate your work but really. You can sleep in as long as you need."

"Father I-"

"It's Bob, remember? When did you have to wake up back at the conventual?"

"4:30." He chokes on his tea and yeah it genuinely makes you laugh. Not loud, not exaggerated but laugh nonetheless. 

"That is down right cruel. Don't worry too much, it's not like we're drowning in work here." 

It helped. You still fall asleep late after midnight but with no pressure behind it you can bring yourself to sleep in till at least seven.

On Sunday to say you were amazed would have been an underestimation. The way Bob stands on the pulpit so sure and certain with his verses. How he preaches about forgiveness and love. No mention of punishment or eternal doom, just hope. 

The only thing that irritates you is that sometimes his head moves too suddenly, his eyes scan throughout the church as if he is looking for someone? You shake it off, it's not worth spiraling. 

After mass you inspect the pews if someone has forgotten something. To your suprise you find a single wool glove. 

"Oh dear, that's mine." You stumble right in her direction. 

"Here Ms, let me help you put it back on." The elderly woman slowly raises her hand up from her walker and carefully you cover her fingers first and then the rest of her hand.

"And we're done Ms, ready to beat the temperatures."

"Oh you are such a lovely dear. It's Ms Mitchell to you darling." 

"Its nice to know you, Ms Mitchell." You feel a presence behind you. 

"Its good to see you Ms Mitchell."

"Oh Father Reynolds, your speech was lovely today and your new recruit here is just as charming as you." 

You want to clear things up. That you're definitely not a recruit, not even remotely close but Bob's hand lands on your upper back, the touch so light you forget what you wanted to say.  

"I’m glad you enjoyed today's mass. Please excuse us, we have work to do."

"Of course dear, till next sunday." Bob gives her an approving nod and turns the two of you around. 

"See, I told you the people here are nice." 

"Then why didn't you let me talk to her longer?"

"Ms Mitchell is special." That's all you got from him. Secretly he is scared that she knows stuff she isn't supposed to so he would rather not let her talk to you that much. 

Afterwards you walk around looking for tasks. You notice that Bob forgot to take his clothes out of the dryer. Not wanting to invade his personal space you just shove it all in the basket and carry it to his room. 

You knock but he is not in there. Shyly you open the door, basically sprinting to the bed and placing the basket on the neatly made sheets. You didn't mean to sniff around and yet here you are. 

Your fingers gliding over the wooden headboard. Deep and long cuts all over it. Then your eyes wander just a little behind and find a spot where the white is brighter than anywhere else on the wall. You don't hear him coming, when he clears his throat you are about to pass out.

"What are you doing in here?"

You thought he would take you to his office, instead you’re standing in the kitchen now. It doesn't matter, the anticipation eats you alive. He sits down and genuinely expects you to do the same, what you're doing next instead catches him completely off guard. 

You don't even think about it, to you it is second nature and the only plausible reaction to what you just did. You throw yourself at him bending over his knees. When you start pulling up the skirt of your habit is when he stops you. 

"Sister, what are you doing?" 

"I-I didn't eat properly, I broke the vase, I sniffed around in your room. You have to punish me." It takes him long to fully understand what you just said, what you now expect from him.

"No, I'm not doing that." He yanks you upward, his hands a firm grip on your wrist. You can not escape him, not his grip or his eyes and somehow you don't want to. 

"We don't do punishment here." 

"But I-" Your cheeks start to burn, your chest tightens and a thick lump forms in your throat. 

Since he doesn't want to make you feel uncomfortable he lets go of you. Your chest tightens some more, your heartbeat gets more and more rapid by the second, he wants to say something but your body chooses flight this time. 

You lock yourself inside your room. You take off your habit, the fabric suddenly feels too thick. The water from your shower hits your skin like needles and only when your lips start to shake you turn it off. 

Tucked in, hands folded over the bedsheets, it only takes around five minutes until you're burning again. You start to whine in agony not knowing what to do. You start to hate Bob for it.

Why couldn't he just punish you as you deserved to take away your sins instead of letting you lay in your bed, bathing in your own unholy thoughts. 

Unlike you, Bob knows what to do, that doesn't mean he's not feeling guilty about it. He retreated to his own room, discharged his clothes to the floor, his hand now fisting his incredible hard cock, the other covering his mouth. 

His mind went back a few minutes. How willingly you throw yourself at him. How warm your body felt in his lap. The soft skin of yours. He gets lost in it and doesn't stop, not even when John appears in front of him. 

"Pathetic." 

"You’re just-fuck-you’re just jealous." 

"What should I be jealous about?"

"That she has consumed my mind."

John hums and steps closer, then he spreads himself tearing Bob's hand away, replacing it with his own. The rather harsh gesture causes Bob to arch off the bed. 

"Oh fuck John."

"As long as you scream my name I don't care. Have your fun, I know you're not manly enough to actually do something." With a hard push Bob’s back hits the mattress, cheeks flushed, tongue sticking out just the slightest

John knows when Bob is close, so his big hand covers his mouth with more pressure than necessary. He licks the mess clean afterwards as a weak excuse to watch Bob a little longer. 

The same night John has enough. When Bob gets so easily fluttered by you he has to know, has a right to know what you're up to and so he waits. He waits until you're deep asleep. He just wants a peek, a glimpse of what your nightmares are about but he can't. 

He approaches you out of a dark corner. Your chest is rising and falling at a concerning rate, his mouth still falls open. With your white nightgown, your mouth slightly agape and he can't do anything. 

You have a mark. He thought those were extinct and yet you have it. It is not enough for you to want him, no. You have to give him permission, you have to say it out loud, clear and certain. 

He breathes heavy through his nose, his hands ball into fits his teeth fletching. He feels betrayal in his chest, the deep growl he presses through his teeth is what lets you jolt up. 

You freeze, your pulse audible in your ear even though your room is only illuminated by the weak light of the moon you see someone standing in the corner.

A shadow, lurking at you again. With trembling fingers you turn on your bedside lamp without looking. 

You're not sure if you feel relieved or not that nobody looks back at you. Nonetheless you can not bring yourself to turn off the light so it stays on for the rest of the night. 

The next morning is unpleasant. It seems as he waits for you when you enter the kitchen, your stomach is a paid actor at this moment. 

"So you still haven't eaten anything proper since you came here?" You shake your head in a shameful no.

"Sit." And you do, observing his every movement while he prepares breakfast. It is actually the first time ever that you see a man doing some cooking in the kitchen. 

The steam and the smell from the plate hits you with full force and you have to suppress a gag. 

"Eat." You give him your best puppy eyes but he is relentless. 

"Eat, one bite each." Simply because you don't want to disappoint him you do as you're told. You start with a small bite from the toast, then the scrambled eggs and then the beacon. You make it to repeat this circle three times, you put your fork to the side. 

"Good. You did good. You should be proud of yourself." 

You swallow down the remaining food and he takes the plate away. You're pleased with yourself and it shows, you hope it stays where it's supposed to.

What you weren't prepared for was that he would suddenly put your hand in his, the other shooting to your cheek forcing you to look at him, he already knows you way too well. 

"Listen to me okay? Whatever happened in the past, it will not happen here. No one-I will not hurt you. No one will lay a finger on you if you don’t want it."

As sudden as he hands were on you they were gone and you can't deny that you wished for them to stay where they were. 

He stands up and attempts to leave but you stop him halfway. 

"It hurts. It hurts that you didn't punish me. So, if I asked you to do it, would you?"

"I beg you, please don't."

"I can’t live without it. It's all I ever knew." 

Bob's heart breaks not in two even parts but in a million little pieces. A few minutes later you're both in his office and you're over his knees. Your skirt is still down at your ankles. 

How could he say no? Him of all people, who knows exactly what it feels like. How your skin burns begging for release and your mind only able to calm afterwards. 

You're squirming under him and it drives him insane and still he keeps it together because of you. He wants you to learn how to let go of it, from punishment, from the past. 

"Don’t forget to read out loud, sister." 

Your grip on the page of the bible you're holding onto intensifies. 

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come." 

Bob lands a smack on your ass and it leaves you confused to say the least. It felt more like a slight tap.

"Excause me father but I don’t think that was hard enough." Bob takes a deep breath before launching the next. This time your body reacts and still it feels different, it feels wrong.

"The old has gone, the new is here." 

He has a hard time keeping the pressure but he manages so far. 

"All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation."

When you're done reading you are breathless and worse you don't feel the relief that normally greets you after. You remember some of your last punishments and realize the difference.

Bob is not angry with you, his hand only hurt you because you asked for it, his mind is not cooperating. 

When you look back you find confirmation, his own eyes wet, regret written all over his face. 

"I hope there won't be a next time, then you need to find someone else to do this."

The whole day you're restless it just wasn't enough it didn't bring you the satisfaction you needed, you're not blaming Bob. You should be grateful that he showed you mercy but you can’t.

That night you're sitting on the edge of your bed, hands on your scalp pulling until it hurts still it is not enough, it never is. 

"Poor thing, couldn't Father Reynolds give you what you need?" You flinch violently, head tuning left to right but you see no one. Despite thinking your mind is playing tricks to you, you answer, hysteria prominent in your voice. 

"Go away whatever you are!" 

"But I can make it disappear. Didn't Father Reynolds say you should find someone else?"

You take a deep breath. You're just imagining this anyway right? Bob gave you permission right? Your voice becomes as small as usual.

"And you promise you won't hurt me any other way?"

"I promise you I will only hurt you as long and as much as you want."

"O-okay." 

"I need to hear it."

"Hurt me, take my sins away, please."

The pause is so long that you question if the conversation if you can call it that was even real. 

"Get on your hands and knees for me sister." 

You do as you're told when you feel the mattress dip behind you panic paralyzes you. 

"Remember I am doing this because you want it. Do you have something left to say?"

"To the Lord our God belong mercy and forgiveness, for I have rebelled against him, I beg for my sins to be forgiven." 

The first hit is already intense, no build up, no warning. The tears shoot into your eyes immediately and a sob escapes you. 

"Shh poor thing, you don't want Father Reynolds to hear you, right?" 

No you don't, you bury your face in the pillow, hoping that it is thick enough to smother your whines who turn into sobs and ultimately into cries. 

The hand is unyielding, unforgiving and cold. You don't know how long or how many but at some point your body surrenders no more attempts of squirming away, no more sounds coming out of your mouth. 

Short before passing out from the impact and the exhaustion you feel your body getting gently pressed onto the mattress and the blanket pulled over until you're covered entirely. 

The next morning your body shoots up and a sign of relief leaves your lungs. It was just a dream, a sick and twisted dream. That is until you try to stand up and a sting of pain shoots through you. 

The next few days you're lost in your thoughts completely confused and disgusted by yourself. 

-------------

You want to confront Bob in the kitchen but something stops you. The radio is playing louder than usual. Bob moves his head to the beat of the ongoing song. 

"Wouldnt have guessed that's your kind of music."

"Well the version I listened to when I was younger was slower." 

"Oh yeah, it must have been hard for you to serve in two world wars in a row." 

He grabs your hand so suddenly you jolt at the touch. He spins you around and pulls you close then takes a step forward and you bump into him, nearly stepping on his foot.

"Sorry I don't know how to dance." 

"Dont worry too much about it." And how can you really? With his hand on your back and a smile so genuine and assuring. For the 2 remaining minutes and 27 seconds everything the world seems to stop. For the first time you feel nothing but weightlessness, he spins you around from time to time, you even sway your hips a little, he makes you laugh. When the song’s over and the weather for the next week gets announced all of this is gone before it could really start. 

You both come to a halt, dangerously close to one another. You can see every little stubble of his beard, some of them going silver already, the few crows feet peeking at the corner of his eyes. You wonder if this really comes from his age or from whatever happened to him in the past. 

His gaze dropped to the floor, his arms leaving your body and you remember why you came here in the first place. 

"I came here to apologize. I will never ask you to do something like this again."

"Because you don't want to or because you don't want me to do it?" 

You honestly don't know. So you leave, keeping his question unanswered. 

The days drag on and you start to feel as if you are going insane for real. It began small. You place a water bottle on the kitchen counter next your reaching out for it and it's gone, same for the plate you have sworn you already put on the table. You don't tell Bob of course. 

Then one evening you go through your drawers. You have exactly fifteen panties plus the one you're wearing, none in the washer and still you only count ten. 

Hidden under the blankets your mind wanders. Bob would never do that, right? He wouldn't... "Yeah that's right pretty girl, our sweet innocent Priest would never do that but I would."

The light is on before you can fully process what just happened. You weren't imagining someone was talking to you, you're sure but to your horror nobody except you is in your room. 

"You're looking for me huh? Miss me that much already?"

You look around still nobody, you open your mouth nevertheless. 

"Who- who is there?"

No answer. You open the drawer of your bedside table to pull out the rosary clinging to it for dear life. 

"The Lord will keep you from all evil; he will keep your life. The Lord will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forevermore."

After you finished your prayer you thought it was over. Then the room falls dark without you shutting off the lamp. A loud and ugly scratch echoes through the room. Nails on wood.  

"Your little prayers won’t save you, pretty girl."

You don't know when you don't know how but you're standing in the doorframe of Bob's room now. You breathe and breathe yet no air seems to end up in your lungs. Your face is covered in sweat just as the ends of your hair. 

"Hey, everything's fine. You're with me now. You are safe here okay?" 

With your head rested on his chest and his smell filling your nose you actually start to calm down. One of his hands gently finds his way under your chin.

"Tell me what happened."

"Nightmare." You hate yourself for how easy it is for you to lie to him. He knows you're lying and it hurts but he is not pushing, instead he guides you to his bed and leaves. 

In your room he goes straight for the bed to grab your blanket muttering under his breath.

"We had an agreement John."

"It's not my fault you humans are so easily scared. Be grateful, she's in your bed now, do something about it." 

"You know I would never-"

"Would you really, Bobby?" 

When Bob comes back he looks like he aged ten years. 

"I- I can leave I don’t want to cause you any trouble-"

"I don't think you're capable of doing that."

Even with the both of you laying under your individual blankets it feels too close, too intimate. Your mind is racing the whole time, not able to think about sleep. 

"You're still awake?"

You hum. 

"You're scared?"

Again you hum but this time he doesn't use words. His hand grabs your arm and before you know it you're under his blanket, on his chest, hearing his heartbeat. You don't exactly know why but somehow you're gone in an instant. This is the best night you had since you came here but it comes with a price you will have to pay the next day. 

-------------

"I shouldn't have fallen asleep next to you, that was inappropriate."

He is not even looking up from his newspaper just enjoying his tea. 

"I invited you into my room, into my bed. It was me who did the improper thing, not you." 

"It doesn't matter, he watches all of us and he judges me."

"And what can one judge about you getting some well-deserved sleep?" He's got you here, you're at a loss for words you decide to stay silent. 

Then he looks at you with an intensity that nearly knocks you off your feet. 

"You can come to my room anytime, everything that's mine is yours."

You offer a polite smile and while your heart blooms there is only one word in your head loud and clear. "Whore"

You make it through the day without him noticing that you are on the edge, that your mind screams while your mouth stays closed. 

Right before bed after your shower you're standing in front of the fogged mirror wrapped in your towel, nothing out of the ordinary. What is definitely not normal is that you're gripping the sink so hard that your knuckles dare to poke through your skin. You're hovering over it, dry cries pushing out of you. You don't want Bob to hear, don't want him to worry so you shove it down as good as you can. 

"Whore" "Whore" "Whore"

"Come on, is that really what you are?" 

Your eyes widen and you don't dare to turn around, someone is standing in your bathroom. 

"Oh don't worry I will keep every little secret if you want." You hear heavy footsteps, it is approaching you, a cold shadow takes over the small bathroom. Whoever or whatever this is can't be human. 

"Dont be scared, pretty girl. I will not hurt you, I just want to know who you are." It sounds more like a hiss, almost supernatural.

"Go-go away in the name of- of the father the-the son and the holy-holy spirit". The laugh vibrates so deep you feel it everywhere from the tip of your ears down to the ends of your toes. 

He comes closer, you feel a cold breath in your neck. Every cell in your body freezes. 

"Oh but I already told you. Your sweet little prayers won't save you." 

Without thinking you glide your arm over the mirror and goosebumps shoot through you, all air that's left gets stuck in the back of your throat.

Eyes as dark as the night and sharp fangs look back at you, you completely ignore the cocky nearly smile that's playing on his lips. All remaining rational thoughts leave your head, you grab the glass that normally holds your toothbrush and throw it against the mirror. 

You shield yourself with your arms and stumble to the ground. You take one piece from the mirror and bring it right to your exposed arm. If the devil himself is looking for you, you can just give in already. 

You start too far above then you go deeper, your head feels dizzy after the third cut. You watch the blood drip over your arm down to the floor; It simply takes too long. You never did this before so how could you know? 

You were sure you locked the door and still it flings open and hits the wall behind it. The last thing you see before you pass out is Bob's terrified expression and how he lunges towards you. 

While your recovering literal hell breaks loose after Bob took care of your injuries he made sure you're all covered and cozy in his bed, now you're just sleeping. If you don't wake up until the sun rises he will drive you to the nearest hospital. Right now he takes care of another problem. He is pacing in your room like a madman while John just sits there on the chair staring at the ground. 

"John, I swear to god and everything that's holy," He is way too calm and composed. "I always let you do what you want with me and I asked you for this one thing," He pinches the back of his nose, voice cracking mid sentence "John? Was it really too much to ask for that you leave her alone?"

"Shit I’m sorry, okay?!" The chair gets thrown, hitting the wall. "If I could have touched her she wouldn't have shattered this damn mirror to begin with." 

"What do you mean with 'If'?" 

"Fuck, I can’t touch her. I can't even look inside her head without her allowing me."

Bob says nothing, raising a single eyebrow expecting John to explain further.

"She has one of those old marks. They get passed through generations, it's probably as old as me. Some religious bullshit."

"John, she tried to fucking kill herself!"

"Yes she did and I triggered her okay? Do you know what played in her mind the whole day? It was so loud... I shouldn't have been able to hear it but I did."

"What was it?"

"Whore". I heard it the whole fucking day just because you let her sleep next to you. Did she ever tell you anything about herself? Did she open up to you?" Bob doesn't want to admit it but John is right. 

"No."

"So if we really want to help her we need to know what's wrong and if she can’t talk about it maybe I-"

"I don't like this idea." On the contrary Bob hates it yet the fact that you need to give John permission for everything makes the idea a little more bearable. 

"Fuck I’m sorry okay. I didn't want to hurt her, at least not that way and you know that." John takes a step towards Bob who stays right where he is, arms crossed, avoiding eye contact. 

"Yes, I know." John pulls him into a tight hug and starts kissing his neck. 

"I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Please don’t be mad at me."

"John stop, you need to apologize to her, not me." 

"You first." Without Bob being able to protest John pushes him onto the bed. A few seconds later the room fills with John's sucking and Bob's moans and for the first time ever Bob actually starts to pull at John's hair. Not gentle, no holding back, he straight up pushes him down on his cock and John lets him. 

-------------

Your head feels heavy just as the rest of your body. For a few seconds it is difficult to make out where you are then you realize you're in Bob's room, in his bed. On your arm a clean gauze reminding you of what you did. You're right at standing up when the door opens. 

"Back, immediately."

With him hovering over you the guilt becomes too much. 

"I’m so sorry. Please don't be mad at me. I don't know what possessed me to-"

"God how could I ever be mad at you."

He makes sure that you drink enough water, then he feeds you some soup and your body starts to feel better. 

You expect him to ask you why but he doesn't instead he pulls up his sleeves revealing healed scares a lot of them. Some come from something sharp; the ones on his inner elbow are small circle shaped. You need a few seconds to understand. 

"You know my dad liked to use the words of the lord as an excuse. I looked for a way out, there is a reason why it's called temptation. At first it was just weed, then alcohol but it was never enough."

"Bob…I’m so sorry."

"Don't be. I just want you to know that you are not alone." You want to return the favour, you want to tell him everything, you really do but you can't. The shame sits so deep and has anchored itself somewhere between your heart and your ribs. Your silence tells him everything he needs to know. 

It takes some time to recover. The day you finally start to feel better Bob hits you with the most gut wrenching news.

"I have to leave for a week."

"What? Why?"

"The church wants a report."

"And you have to come in person for that?" The reason is that they can't believe that Bob is still very much alive but he can't tell you that so he shrugs it off. 

"Think you can do it?" 

It's not like you have a choice anyway. 

"Can I sleep in your room while you're gone?" 

"What do you think?" 

As you watch him get smaller in the distance the nervousness creeps up to you faster than you thought it would. The church looks even bigger now. Every room feels larger, there are shadows everywhere and noises that let you jump from time to time, the church is old. This is normal, you reason with yourself as best as you can. 

Over the day everything seems fine but when the sun slowly disappears and the darkness takes over you become relentless finding excuse after excuse to not go to bed. 

It is no use. You decide to lock the doors to the empty rooms, the front and the backdoor too. 

Now you’re in Bob's room setting the fireplace alight, it feels unnaturally cold in those walls for the fact that it is still just the beginning of October. You listen to the ticking of the clock, the uneven creak of the wooden floor, that is until it is not uneven anymore. 

The shrill scream that comes out of your mouth is loud enough that it is painful in his ears. 

"Please stop, I just came here to talk."

Next you're up and your hand flies precisely over his face. 

"Whatever you are, leave me alone." You grab the crucifix you put on your nightstand as preparation you lift it up as if you would stab him with it. He actually takes a step back. Then he turns his head  and stares at the fire and if you would have declared yourself as insane already you could swear he shakes just the tiniest bit.

The fire goes out and the room falls into nearly complete darkness.

It is still bright enough that you can see the smirk on his face. His hand glides over where you just hit him. 

"Wouldn't have guessed that you can be that feisty."

He moves his arms like he is trying to calm down a feral animal. "I just want to apologize, Bobby would never let me hear the end of it if I don't." 

Oh he knows exactly what he is doing. Your expression falters and a smug grin forms on his face.

"Yes dear, maybe your precious Father Reynolds is not as innocent as you thought." While talking he carefully comes closer to you and you flinch, your hip hitting the nightstand. 

"He would- he would never."

"Do you remember how his voice changed the day of your arrival, that he talked to someone in the kitchen you couldn't see? The scratches on the headboard?"

He can see on your face that finally everything falls into place. You lower your hands. "You’re John."

"All the points to you pretty thing and as I said earlier I came here to apologize. I didn't mean to scare you, at least not that much. See Bobby and I we both worry about you-" 

"No you don’t, none of you! I don't know what kind of sick game this is but I’m not playing anymore." You're short before lashing out at him. You wonder if you could hit him hard enough with the crucifix to actually hurt him. 

"If I remember correctly it was you who asked me to punish you. Ain’t that right?"

"That- that was you? I thought it was- I thought it was a dream."

"Yes that was me and you're not fooling anyone, there is no denying that you found a certain liking in it."

Whatever fight you had in you a few seconds ago is gone. Numbness becomes present in your body starting in your chest. You let yourself slump into the edge of the bed. Your chin slowly starts to tremor and tears build behind your eyelids.

"Dont you want it to go away? The guilt, the shame?" 

You nod.

"Then let me see it and take it away from you." 

"What- what do you mean?" 

"You just have to say that you want it. You have to want it." 

"Then do it. I want you to look at it. I need someone to understand. I need someone to see and tell me I am not guilty."

At first John is not sure who he is looking at until he realizes that it is you at the age of five maybe. You just pushed a boy into the sandpit because he pulled at your hair. A woman forcefully pulled you away "Girls don't do that." 

Next your older, third grade says the sign to the classroom. You're standing at your teacher's desk telling her that one of the boys constantly teases you by pulling at the hem of your skirt. "Boys show their affection that way, he probably has a crush on you sweets." 

Then, on your own birthday, thirteen candles on the cake, you blow them out and find yourself in the kitchen later, drying the dishes. "Mom why are the boys allowed to watch tv and I’m not, it's my birthday." "You can watch when you're finished with your chores." 

You're not much older now sitting on the edge of your bed, right next to you a boy your age. He comes close to your face while you only seem confused. "What are you doing?" He gives you a dirty smirk "Come on everybody is doing it." "But you're my best friend?" "See we're just friends helping each other out." You nod and give him silent permission to kiss you, of course he can not keep his hands by himself. When he touches your breast you push him away "Oh come on don’t be a prude now." Then your father bursts in, the boy is gone. "You filthy whore did you let him touch you?" You plead with him but your words fall on deaf ears. Your fathers belt leaves some deep bruises on your skin, John's heart stings, he has seen this before.

Next you're older. You're hastily packing a suitcase, more focused on photos and other sentimental stuff than clothes. Your parents storm in. "Where do you think you're going, young lady?" "Away from here, I will not marry this man." You father grabs you by your upper arm face deep red. "If you're leaving now you're dead to us." "I was never allowed to be alive in this house anyway!"

John needed a short break. Yes the world changed over the centuries and still it seemed it stayed the same. 

Now you're at the nunnery and for the first time you look happy, that didn't last long. He needs a second to figure out where he has to go. He stands outside the office listening. 

"Sister, you're doing an excellent job around here, the other nuns should look up to you."

"Thank you Bishop Razhal!" Oh the excitement in your voice hurts. 

"You know. I actually chose you because you are the most deserving." 

"Choose me for what bishop?"

"Do you want to feel him? The holy spirit, our saviour?" 

You were so innocent you believed that man you really thought he meant well you really thought he would bring you closer to god. 

When John steps into the scene your eyes are fixed on the ceiling, clearly dissociating. 

"Show me his face." You tilt the man's head so John can look at him, your eyes never leaving the ceiling. 

Then two other men enter the room unannounced, they aren't shocked they rather seem bugged by what they just witnessed. John looks at them, burning their images in his brain. 

Then he is back in the here and now. You're crying heavily. 

"Do you let me hold you?" You nod. 

"I need to hear it."

"Please hold me John." 

Whatever his plans were for the night they are gone. He will hold you as long as you need it, as long you let him.

"I should have just said no. Why didn't I say no?"

John needs to brace himself for his next words so they don't come off wrong. "I highly doubt that would have stopped him."

John thought it wasn't possible and still your crying intensifies but so does his hold on you. "Let me show you something now, as a trade."

You look up at him not being able to point out his intention through your tears, nonetheless you give in. 

"Show me."

Next you're standing outside, you look up and you're met with a beautiful night sky but a distant smell creeps into your nose, burned wood. You start to walk without thinking that is before you see him. Tied to an elevated wooden post, more wooden sticks and locks stacked around. He looks like he regrets nothing of whatever brought him in this situation, then you start to hear voices all around you. 

"I hope he burns in hell forever." "Such a shame he was always so helpful." "His poor wife, they should have cut his unholy hands off." "Bastard." "Devil." And between all those thoughts there is the same one coming from two different people. "Please forgive me John, this is all my fault."

The sickening smell of burned flesh fills the night, then you hear him scream. He tried to bite it down but how could he while the flames eat him alive. Right before it can get too much you're back. Choking on your tears and sobs once again. 

There is no need for words, your grip on his tightens and so does his on you until exhaustion knocks you out. The next morning he is gone but for once your chest feels not as heavy as usual. 

You're counting the days now everything went just fine. On the night of your sixth day you thought it was over. Bob would be back tomorrow and anything would go back to normal. John hadn't shown up since that night. Why should he now? Well you would soon find out. 

There he stands in the barely illuminated room, you haven't lit the fireplace since his last visit. The ends of his blond hair are covered in red, the same as the ends of his beard. The upper part of his white shirt is soaked. 

"John, why are you covered in blood?" 

He crawls into the bed staining the white sheets, Bob’s sheets. 

"John for gods-sake whose blood is that?!" He stops and rests on his heels. Suddenly you feel hot, burning as if you're trapped in purgatory. 

"I took care of them as an apology."

"What do you mean with them…? Oh god John!"

"But this was only the first part. For the second part I need your permission, pretty girl." 

"For what?"

"Unlike this bastard I’m not going to lie to you. I can't bring you closer to god but I can show you something so much better." You should say no, this time you should say no however you start to question it. You will never be a nun in the eyes of the church again, they will never forgive you for what you didn't do. So for the first time in your life you make room for the idea to do something just for you, for your own enjoyment and maybe even pleasure. 

"You can touch me John."

He waits to see if you take it back instead you repeat it loud and clear. 

"Touch me John, please-." You definitely don't have to say it a third time. The blanket is gone before you finish the sentence completely. 

For a second he just looks then with a little hesitance he touches your hip under your nightgown and whatever was left of his restrained is gone. 

He lifts your leg up positioning himself between them. Then he attempts to pull your panties away but you stop him. 

"Wait, what are you doing?" 

"I promised you to make you feel good, do you doubt that?" You answer while you pull your hand away. Then you feel his cold breathe right over your sensitive spot. 

He licks over his teeth and you catch him grinning at you. You're still not sure if you are not looking right into the devils eyes.

"Ready to see heaven, pretty girl?" 

It's a rhetorical question because before you can answer he swallows you whole. The sensation is too much you could have never imagined that you're even capable of feeling like this. 

"Oh my god." 

"It's always the same, it's John, not God." He really thinks he is funny while you're basically dying under his touch. Your throat is raw after five minutes. 

"Do you want me to show it to you? Do you want to see what I did to them?" 

You shouldn't want it, you should be disgusted just by the implication of it and still you say yes.

The pictures in your head are as clear as day. The two men who accidently caught you and made sure that you would be sent away, he tore them apart with his claws. One had to watch the other, the fear eating him alive. He sank his teeth into Bishop Razhal's neck dragging him into the woods letting him bleed out, leaving him trembling in his own pool of blood.

"Relax for me, pretty girl, it will feel so good I promise." You doubt that this can get any better but he proves you wrong. You're adding new scratches to the headboard while screaming his name at the top of your lungs. 

It amuses him how fast you're falling asleep. After cleaning you up as good as possible and tugging you back under the blanket he leaves, considering his job done for tonight. 

When you wake up the next day everything feels so god-damn light. You want to go to the kitchen because your throat is as dry as the dessert but you don't have to. A bottle of water smiling at you from your nightstand. 

After you drowned nearly the whole bottle. You look down at the mess, the blood has dried so there is no way of cleaning your nightgown or the sheets. 

You don't care, falling back into the pillow that is something for later you have plenty of time at least so you think. Five minutes later you hear a car pulling into the driveway. The clock on the wall says it is already 3 pm. 

You go with the bedsheets first. You change them as fast as you can when you're closing the zipper of the last pillow you hear him coming through the front door. 

"I’m back!" 

He heads for his room and you freeze in your doing.

"Hey I’m- you're still in your sleepwear?"

"Hey Bobby, it's good to see you. Did everything go well?" 

The nickname slips out without you noticing but it catches him by suprise.

"You’re acting strange. Is- is that blood?"

You really don't want to play this card but you don't have another choice. 

"It is- It is my own blood please forgive me it came unexpected." Technically the last part isn't even a lie. "I took care of it, of your bed. I will go back to my own room." 

"You don’t have to ask me for forgiveness for something that happens naturally. Do you need anything?" 

"No no everything’s fine."

Of course ten minutes later he knocks at your door and comes in with hot chocolate, a hot-water bottle and painkillers. 

-------------

For the next few days you avoid him like the plague. The lightheartedness wore off quickly and you fell back into your old habits, your arms and legs looked like you've been attacked by a wolverine. 

On Sunday you had enough, you can not hold it any longer. When everyone else is gone you step into the confessional feeling like a lamb willing to place its head on the block.

But before you can speak, he takes the word.

"Sister, I want to make this a little different today." 

"Different father? How?" 

"You will listen to my sins first and if you think I am worthy of doing so you will forgive them." 

"But Father, I’m in no position to do so. I can’t-" 

"Yes you can and you might will."

"Then tell me father whatever it is you have to say." 

"Forgive me sister, I have sinned." "Nearly my whole life I have fought against who I am. Then I met someone, a man and I thought I finally found out what it is that makes me different and yes also less worthy in the eyes of god," He takes a deep shaking breath "but then a woman came into my life and I didn't question anything at all. I let it all flood me, I give in without a fight. I let the sin take over my mind and my body." 

You're sure the fabric of your skirt will rip any second. Your jaw is so clenched that it already starts to hurt. You murmur under your breath. 

"Fucking asshole."

"Excuse me, what was that sister?" You don’t mean Bob of course, you mean John. He didn't tell you that he and Bob were that close, again you've been lied to, at least this time you allow yourself to be angry about it. You try to keep it together, it still doesn't lessen your own sins. 

"Father it might be a sin that a man loves another man but the lord teaches us to love each other equally, you are forgiven. It is not shameful to yield to one's own mind, as long as it is not hurtful to others."

"Thank you sister for blessing me with your grace. I hope that you are listening to your own words. You can say what you have to say now."

"Father forgive me I have sinned." 

Bob is somewhat skeptical of that, he will listen anyway, not because it is his duty rather because he wants to. 

"Tell me your sins sister and let me take them away from you."

You let out a small huff knowing fully well that he is not capable of doing so. Your chin starts to quiver immediately while you try to keep your voice firm. "I let a man come into my room."

Bob's posture stiffens immediately. You hear him correcting his collar.  

"Please go on."

"I gave him permission to look inside me. I showed him everything and he held me afterwards." 

“And how did it feel, sister?” 

"It felt good father. It felt freeing."

"I can not take away a sin from you that simply isn't one sister." 

"There is more Father." You hear him uncrossing and crossing his legs again, his voice sounds urgent.  "Go on."

"He came back after six days. He avenged me, Father. He got rid of the men who wronged me. I relished in it, I savoured to see the men suffer." Now the dam broke tears fall down to the ground of the booth your voice starts to shake.

"I gave him permission to touch me and he devoured me, he showed me something I believe is the closest I will ever come to heaven. And I don't regret it Father, in fact I wish it to happen again, that is until recently. I didn’t know that-"

It gets silent for a second too long and you squirm in your seat. The door to his side opens first, then yours. 

"Come here." His words let you freeze, his voice as sharp as a knife. Normally Bob isn't like this, commanding or angry, you must have reached the end of his patience. 

"I said come here." He steps inside and reaches out for your wrist but you flinch, your back pressed against the wooden wall now. 

"I’m sorry if I crossed any lines… he never mentioned that you two were that close."

"That is not-." You both become aware now that the two of you are close, awfully close. Your nose is nearly brushing his, you feel his warm breath on your face. 

"I am not angry with you. I’m angry with him, that he stole you from me before I even… I envy him. That he's got to have you and I don't." 

"Envy is a sin father." He nods at you, his eyes locked on your lips. 

"What we are about to do is a sin too." Again he simply nods and next none of you are sure who closed the distance. 

His lips are so soft it's a crime. His hands work so gently on your face you practically melt into them. When he reaches for your neck you're gone. 

"Tell me what he did. Tell me what he did to you and let me be as good as." 

"He took off my panties." And so does Bob. 

"He went on his knees for me." And so does Bob not minding the hard ground. 

"He started slow only with the tip of his- oh god help me" 

Yes you can feel that Bob is not as experienced as John that doesn't change a thing. You become one with the chair, the thin walls of the booth do nothing to cover your moans. It's not helping that the door is wide open since the space is just too small for the both of you. 

To make matters worse a shadow beams over the two of you now. 

"Lazy." His voice lets the both of you wince. First he just stands there, arms crossed, head tilted, like the world belonged to him. 

"More pressure Bobby." The proximity was suffocating before now with John standing over Bob it is all consuming. 

He pushes Bob's head forward, his nose now buried in your folds, your hands fly to his hair searching for an anchor. He moans so deep the vibration alone nearly sends you over the edge. 

"Better, you should suck here. It will make her feel so good." He has the nerve to wink at you while Bob follows his orders, he is a fast leaning student. "Jesus Maria." Bob gabs your thighs as if his life depends on it and with that you're done. You're not even trying to muffle it, your moans echo throughout the whole church.  

The last thing you hear is an honest "Good job Bobby."

"Is she- she didn't passed out, right?"

"She did last time too. Happens, you should know that best." 

"Mmh." 

"If I look down your robe will I find a white spot?" 

"Mmh."

"Fuck you two will be the final end of me I swear." 

He throws Bob over his shoulder like a ragdoll and to his own surprise he is able to pull you up in his arms.

Before he leaves he takes a good look at the two of you, you cuddle up into Bob's side and he rest his head on yours. Suddenly he realizes that nothing is the same anymore. That is what you and Bob deserved. Warmth, trust and most importantly peace. He is not a stupid man by any means. He remembers the day you and Bob danced in the kitchen. How Bob always tried to make sure you're eating enough, anticipating every wish from your eyes, the night you and Bob spent together in his bed. He doesn't belong in this picture and so he leaves. 

He leaves happy knowing that Bob finally has someone who will stay with him. Someone he can rely on and that it is simply not John the realisation makes him shed a tear he wasn't aware he could. 

-------------

You lost count of how many weeks pass without John visiting any of you. Distracted by the thought you walk around looking for Bob. He’s kneeling in front of the altar, not praying still his lips are moving just the slightest. You join him and wait until he is finished. 

"Does he always stay away that long?" 

"That is the longest so far and honestly I’m out of ideas." 

"Hey don't worry he’ll come back I’m sure." 

Two more months pass and still nothing. Both of your hearts are heavy, going over all the possibilities. Was it something you said or done? Did Bob do something wrong? Maybe and that would be the worst possibility, something bad happened to John. 

It's hard on the eye to watch Bob basically disappear to nothing and you would lie to yourself if you don't miss John too. One night it escalates and you find Bob kneeling in his bathroom with a knife in his fist, sleeves pulled all the way up. 

"I’m- I’m sorry I just miss him so much. I’m not strong enough, especially not for the both of us." 

This is fucked up and straight up unhealthy you know for sure. That doesn't stop you from going to the kitchen and kneeling opposite of Bob with your own knife in hand. 

"You can't do that-"

"Bob without you, without him I have nothing. I would be alone for the rest of my days. Probably sent somewhere so much worse."

You offer him your wrist and he offers you his. While you both put the blade to it you close your eyes, it hurt like hell the last time and you just don't wanna see it. The only thing that calms you down is his voice. 

"You ready?" You nod heavily bracing yourself for pain that never comes. The wind is so strong it blows the knives out of your hands right against the wall. 

"Did the two of you lost your minds completely now?!" Before you can say or do anything he is on Bob. His hand in a tight grab around his throat.

"She already tried to kill herself once and you have the nerve to drag her into this?" 

With as much courage you can gather you pull at the back of the collar of his shirt. Since the action takes him by surprise he actually lets go of Bob and turns his attention to you. 

"What is it missy, now you want attention?" 

"Cut it you fucking asshole." He didn't learn from the last time, this time your swing is even stronger. "We did that because you didn't show up here for three fucking months you bastard!" 

Now they are both astonished, by your actions and your wording. 

"Bob was worried sick, look at him he is a god damn wreck. I was worried sick fuck John we missed you."

"No you two are supposed to be-" 

"Supposed to be what John?"

"Happy. Together." You solve the puzzle before Bob. You see how John's posture changes, his shoulders fall and so does his back. You never saw his eyes so blue. Careful you step closer to him, your hand slowly reaching out to cup his face. He gives into your touch completely. 

"See how it doesn't hurt? It's because I want to John." Meanwhile Bob took John's part, arms crossed, nose crunched, oh he is pissed. 

Next you are all in your room. You don't know how it happened, you just know that you will never be able to close your mouth again. 

For your own safety physically and mentally you decided to just witness at first. You already watched how John got rid of Bob’s Robe in a quick motion and it also explained why he orders some new ones like every two months. 

You're rested against the headboard trying to take everything in. You don't miss the mostly old scares on Bob's back and surely you don't miss John’s dancing over his whole body like vines.

"Hey pretty girl, you're good?" You nod in approval not wanting to interrupt the spectacle in front of you but John doesn't care. 

"Do you want to see what men do to give each other relief without using their hands?" 

This time you nod a little too eager and John has this cocky grin on his face again. 

"You heard the lady Bobby." Mindlessly Bob gets rid of John's pants and your eyes widen, it's not like you have a lot of comparison but you just know he is big. 

The way Bob's tongue dances over John, how he makes sure that salvia is all over and how deep he takes it in on the first go must be the greed they talk about in the bible. 

Soon Bob’s muffled moans and gags mix with John's deep and desperate ones and it is on you to feel greedy and also a bit envious too but for the both of them. 

This burning desire visits you once again but this time it only settles in your core and a little further down. You want to feel them, their hands, their warmth and everything else they are willing to give you and still you wait. 

"Come on Bobby hurry up, the lady over there starts to get impatient." 

For a second Bob takes the time to look up at you, tears rolling down his face, his locks sticking to his forehead which John strokes back for him. 

"He is pretty when he's crying right?" 

"Y- Yes." At your confession Bob's eyes roll back into his head and John's grip on his hair tightens. 

"Fucking told you Bobby." From that point on it doesn't take long. 

"Open your mouth this time, I want her to see." He obeys without hesitation and you watch as John spends himself inside Bob's mouth. 

Without thinking it through you kiss Bob wanting to taste it just out of curiosity next your spitting some of it out and John just laughs. 

"Dont worry you don't have to like, that's why I have Bob." 

"Oh fuck you John." 

You gulp hard, scared to ask your question, your voice trembling like crazy. 

"Can you- could you go a second time John?"

"Why pretty girl? Tell us." 

It gets so silent in the room that you can hear the blood rushing through your ear. 

"I want to feel you, the both of you." While Bob nearly faints John chuckles under his breath and already starts moving. "Who would have thought that you could be such a greedy little girl." 

"Stop!" Somehow both of them freeze completely. "You're staying right where you are, on your back, hands on the side." John does as you told him immediately and it is Bob's time to chuckle. 

"Wouldnt have guessed you could be this obedient John." The deathglare is enough to shut Bob up. 

Hell you don't know what you're doing. Bob needed a break and made himself comfortable next to John now their eyes basically pierced through you. 

Bob in adoration and Johns in a challenging way with a deep breath you get rid of your shirt and while Bob's eyes widen some more John has the nerve to reward you with a wolfish whistle.

When the backside of your hand strides his face he is as unbothered as always.

"You know that hurts you more than me right?" 

"Can’t you at least pretend to be nice?"

"Oh come on, what do you expect? That I tell you that you look straight out of a van gogh painting? Those are Bob's thoughts, mine are a bit more, obscene."

"Then just shut up for once, I’m nervous, okay?" 

Your honest confession seemed to catch him off guard because for once he actually shuts up. You take the opportunity to get rid of the rest of your clothing. 

With shaking legs you made yourself comfortable on John's lap. You just need a second too long and the old John is back. 

"Need any help, pretty girl?" His eyebrows wriggle up and down his stupid smile making you even more nervous. It's Bob's cracked voice that pulls you out of your thoughts. 

"John, maybe one of us should prep her before-" And that finally gets you going because you can not bear the idea of this stretching out even longer. With all the courage you can gather you grab John's cock which rewards you with a deep groan. 

You line him up with your entrance and slowly start to sink down, inch by inch. Meanwhile, since he is not allowed to touch you John first tears apart your sheets and the mattresses underneath them. 

John mentally prepares himself for some agonizing long waiting but there is no pause coming. You're all the way down, panting and trembling, still your first instinct is to roll your hips. 

"Fuck, maybe not nymphomanic but definitely something close." 

That's when you have enough. His size, your temperature, the fact that they both look at you is already overwhelming enough. Your fingers fly to his mouth to shut him up successfully, now the room is only filled with his and your moans. 

That's when you notice that Bob is awfully quiet. You stop moving all together which, according to John's expressions, is not amusing to him. 

"Bob, are you- are you okay?"

Okay? He is five seconds away from combusting looking at the very two people in his live he ever truly loved fucking each other so no he is not okay. 

He is not telling you that. To his luck though you're not stupid. You're actually smart enough to know that he would never even suggest joining in now. So, you offer something innocent. 

"Bob, would you please warm me? I’m so cold." 

How could he say no? It's not even a lie, yes all of this lets your body run hot yet at the same time giving his being John is incredibly cold underneath you. 

With Bob behind you the energy shifts. He is too hesitant at first to even wrap his arms around you as a result you lean back your bare back hitting him, skin on skin. 

"Bob, will you kiss me?" 

His lips answer for him now they taste even sweeter than the last time. Dizziness takes over your head fast at least that is the only explanation for the following words coming out of your mouth.  

"I want to feel you too." You can basically hear how his heart drops to his knees. He frantically shakes his head, his locks tickling slightly at your face. 

"Please you told me you wouldn't touch me if I don't want it, I want now." He sobs deep but ultimately he gives in to your needs and to his own. 

He is careful so damn careful as if you could break any second and perhaps you're not far away from that. 

You bite your lip so violently you can taste the blood in your mouth, your fingernails digging so deep into John's skin that it will leave some ugly scares. You're also sure Bobs will leave some on your hips the way he holds you. 

Now it is John who is awfully quiet. On one hand he is trying very hard not to lose it at the sight on the other hand there is something in his eyes you haven't seen before. That's when you come fully to terms with the fact that John and you never kissed.

You don't wait until Bob is done; you lean forward and close the distance between you and John. 

As expected his lips are cold just like the rest of him your body fills with heat nonetheless. The kiss deepens fast, his tongue incredibly deep in your mouth while yours does the same. At some point you remember that you need air to live and part away from him. 

For the first time you met him he was speechless and so seemed to be Bob behind you the only one capable of speaking is you. 

"John Walker," It is so unexpected that both of them shudder a little. "From this moment on till my last day and beyond that I allow you to see me fully, to feel me, to touch me as you please." 

It seems as Bob has stopped breathing altogether. Out of your euphoric state you look down facing the consequences of your words. 

All the blue in John's eyes is gone instead there is only black, a deep all consuming darkness. In contrast the smile on his face is too bright looking unnatural. You gulp down hard but you're not taking your words back. 

"You shouldn't have said that." You hear something sharp and then you feel it right on your hip you hiss in pain while he drags one of his claws over your skin and then brings it to his mouth. 

"I just wanted a taste, you taste as sweet as Bob, different but just as delicious."

Your pulse becomes audible in your ear, your eyes widen not because of what he just did, no, because you found this arousing and that worries you. 

His hands land back on your hips, the grip so strong it will leave bruises. The moan coming out of your throat betrays you.  

When John starts thrusting up naturally Bob does too. Soon you reach a state of deliriousness only moans and whimpers passing your lips. Skin is clapping on skin, you feel hands everywhere. 

At some point you straighten up again craving Bob's warmth. With being back in his embrace something in him breaks it is small and quiet but you hear it nonetheless.   

"I love- Fuck I love you, the both of you so fucking much." 

You look down at John. He didn't need Bob to say it out loud, he could hear it in his head before. 

With Bob's confession you let go completely, letting them take everything they want and take everything they are willing to give you. 

At some point it is John's voice that catches your attention. 

"Ah ah Bobby, ladies first." 

A thumb lands on your sensitive spot and you jolt, giving the temperature it is Johns. 

"Come on pretty girl, let go for us before poor Bobby combust. I mean who can blame him?" 

As if you needed his permission it hits you with full force, your whole body tenses to a borderline painful extent until everything lets loose. 

Bob loses it at the same time with you and the way he screams yours and John's name you're sure he feels the same as you. 

John is the one able to fully enjoy all of this when he comes inside you his groan is filled with hints of laughter. 

All three of you try to calm down but something inside you takes a wrong turn. "Bob out, right now." With a question Bob does as you told him and even quicker you get up from John's cock. 

"Hey hey pretty girl be careful." You stand up and everything spins so you fall back onto the bed. John wants to put his hand on your waist but you swat it away before he can do so. 

"I just need a shower, now." This time you manage, you even grab your clothes on the way. 

When they hear you locking the door they throw each other a look as they speak in unison. "I think we messed up."

Now you're grateful for the fact that you still haven't replaced your mirror. You go straight into the shower, the tiles cold under you, the water warm from above. 

You don’t cry, you just need time to think. 

Then you step back into your main room to be then met with two pairs of eyes which practically pierce through you.

"Is everything alright with the two of you? Did I do something wrong?" 

"I think we should spend the rest of the night in my room."

Your gaze ends up on your torn mattress and you nod in agreement. 

With the three of you together in Bob's bed it became warm despite John laying between the two of you. 

When Bob starts to snore, somehow he makes even that sound cute, John turns his head towards you silently asking you for permission. 

"You tell me what we did wrong?" 

"What? What are you talking about?"

"When you shower, something is wrong." 

"I thought you could read my mind now."

"I can, doesn't mean I do."

"It's just… John it felt so good. How can something so sinful feel so good?"

"You know I’m not really fit for this question. But let me tell you that you, live this life. I don't know what happens after. You should live your life the way you want to since it is yours only." 

"An easy excuse."

"A reason."

"There is something else…It was so different to what Bishop Razhal did. I-"

Your voice breaks halfway through and every little or big emotion you held back floods out of you. John holds you close just the way you need it. 

"I can't make it to never happen, we can just try to make it bearable." 

Then you hear someone stir, you look over to Bob and become quite jealous. How can he still look like an angel after all this while you probably looked like a plucked chicken. The sleep in his voice is so thick already that you have a hard time understanding him. 

"Try to see it as a gift. Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. The lord has seen your way, your past, your goodness, and it is his apology for letting you be alone for so long."

"Strong words Bobby." With that Bob is completely gone. John looks you in the eyes then places a deep kiss on your forehead and it becomes quiet in your mind.

-------------

It is far from the ordinary what is happening in those walls you slowly start to call your home. Yes John still disappears from time to time but he doesn't stay away long. 

Bob's words helped, you tried to befriend yourself with the idea that this, the life you're living right now is a deserved apology, making up for the years prior where you suffered in silence thinking that it is god's will. On days where you feel like your head is already under water the second you wake up, when the tears edge on the corners of your eyes are the days when you seek out for Bob more than usual. Those days are spent in bed together, he holds you,stroking your hair, trying to talk the voices away. 

On days where you feel like you want to set the world on fire, when you want to break everything in half, face burning with anger, those are the days John comes to you. He lets you do what you want with him. You scream and punch, pull and push. Since you can not hurt him he just takes it. He would never even think about attacking back. Most of these times it ends with your knuckles covered in your own blood, the taste of salt on your lips. He soothes your wounds every time, all of them, the best he can. 

It was rare but on some days it happened that it was John who needed attention. There was never a clear pattern, sometimes he just needed someone to talk to. Sometimes he would snap wooden stumps in half. Sometimes he came into yours or Bob's room, his only wish to make the two of you feel good and getting praised for it. It was okay, it was a silent agreement between all three of you. Giving when someone needed it, taking when you were in need and it simply worked. 

-------------

One thing that was never a problem was jealousy, most of the time all of you were able to communicate openly when it came to wanting the other so it wasn't a surprise when you made your way to the church thinking that Bob head off to town to buy groceries that instead you heard him whine. 

You stayed hidden behind a wall looking around, it took a second longer to spot him, then you raise your head a little and spot him on the pulpit sitting on John's lap not a single inch of skin showing since he is still wearing his robe but you knew exactly what was happening beneath. 

And the worst part? You couldn't look away. Bob's curls just stood up too cute, his high whines and whimpers were just too adorable. Your hand wanders between your legs under your underwear when John and Bob could make you come with their tongues you should be able to do it with your own fingers. 

You don’t hear that John whispers into Bob's ear, the words give him goosebumps immediately. "She’s hiding behind the wall, listening to you falling apart." Bob's sound intensifies and so does the pressure of your fingers, you become brave and let one finger slide inside then a second. By the time you try a third you hear that Bob is close and so are you. Your right hand covers your mouth all the while Bob's high is shooting up to the high ceiling of the church echoing through the pews. When you're ready you walk away as fast as you can, head ducked. 

Bob's catching his breath, nesting his head in John's neck. "I feel guilty now." John pats his head "Don’t worry I will take care of her soon enough." 

The next day the weather is beautiful, not too warm, not too cold. At first you're just strolling through the small garden then your gaze wanders to the small wood. You can oversee it from your bedroom window so you decide to be a little risky. The grass smells fresher, the branches of the trees give in under the pleasant breeze. You reach a pond and sit down, leaning against a stone. The sun prickles your face in such a delightful manner that you just can't help yourself, you're falling asleep. 

"Shit." Panic is already flooding you. It is nearly pitch black, only the full moon spending some light. It can't be that hard to find your way back right? You walked for what? 20 minutes? 

After what felt like hours you give up, holding yourself up against a tree. If you're gone long enough Bob will look for you so it's best to stay where you are, so you think. When you hear a long howl this idea is gone. You run as fast as your feet can. Some thin branches hit your face, you don’t know what would be worse, a real wolf or a werewolf because when demons exist werewolves probably do too right? At the very least if it is the latter you could try to do some damage with your silver cross necklace. 

Right behind you you hear a branch crack and you run even faster your attention on the floor, the last thing you need is tripping over a damn root. Instead you bump head first into a three, your body falling down with a loud thud. You're not unconscious for long when your eyes flicker open and you stop to breathe entirely. Something looks at you, eyes red, slowly approaching you on all fours. 

With your last strength you attempt to stand up but the creature leaps forward then you feel strong hands turning you on your stomach, you try to crawl away but you're getting pulled back and you feel heavy pressure on your back.

"Tsk tsk tsk where are you going pretty girl?" 

"John?!"

"Wow, you're not just pretty, you're also smart."

"What the- you scared me to death!" Again you try to wriggle yourself out of his grip but you don’t stand a chance against him he presses you down and the last ounce of air gets pressed out of your lungs.

"Aw but I’m here because of you. Because you wanted this." Your eyebrows raise in a frown; you can’t make sense of his words.

"I saw it. Deep in your mind, locked away. Sometimes some of our desires are hidden so far away that we don’t know they exist. You can’t hide them from me, pretty girl. I can see them, all of them and since I’m so generous I will make all of them come true with the greatest pleasure.”

"You're sick!" 

"Yes, but let me guess when I reach down between those pretty legs I will find a mess." 

You want to protest but he holds you down while his free hand rides up your skirt. You press your eyes close in shame.

"I fucking knew it. And what a beautiful mess it is." He doesn't bother to take your panties off, he rips them apart. "I will keep the skirt intact. Wouldn't want Bob to know what his innocent girl is doing out here in the woods right?" You gulp hard with your poorly maintained airflow and the adrenaline drop it is hard for you to think. 

"Already going stupid huh?" You don’t say anything and take the humiliation. Suddenly he yanks your hips up and your ass is in the air, your skirt riding up by itself exposing your skin to the coldness of the night. "You're so beautiful like this," the smack comes unexpected but not unwelcomed "I could just keep you like this, make your ass a ravishing red and then leave you." You shake your head in a frantic no at the tough. The hand that's holding you down moves upward caressing your head "I couldn't do that, don't worry. I’m not a monster. I will fuck you here on the dirty, cold and hard ground and then you will go back home and act as if nothing happened." You nod frantically again but this time in a yes. 

The pressure on your head never falters while he positions himself between your legs, his tip already closer at your entrance. You buck your hips in his direction whining at the touch. "Oh there she, is my greedy little girl." You moan out "John please do something." He chuckles deep, his free hand wrapping around your hips and with one brutal thrust he is all the way inside you. 

You come dangerously close to a scream, not because it hurts, it feels so unholy good. Your eyes roll back and your head is emptying itself completely. John thinks it is safe now to let go of your head and the other hand goes to your hips too. This will leave you sore and aching for days and the irregular smacks on your ass will do too, right now you don’t care.

"Fuck, I still can’t believe your a nun. You're way too naughty for that. Getting fucked, out in the woods not a thought inside your head, you dirty dirty girl." A single tear rolls down your cheek and you press yourself up, arching your back in a beautiful bow. John's grip tightens some more and you whine. "Look at you, face and hands covered in dirt, clothes all messy and all the while I’m fucking you, your pussy grips me like a lifeline, begging for it." With one arm you reach up pulling him down into a kiss he licks some of the blood from the cuts away and your stomach flutters. "You have to face it, pretty girl, you're just as sick as me, as us." 

You manage to pull him down with you, his heavy body now completely pressed into yours. His arms move forward and trap you in a headlock, his groans are so close to your ear. "Fuck I can feel your close lets come together greedy girl that is the best part." He pounds into you without mercy and one peculiar thrust sends lightning bolts through your body, your nails digging into his hands, next you feel his cum shooting into your wall. His breath as heavy as your he lets go of your head pushing himself on his knees kissing down your spine while pulling out. 

He turns you around so you can breathe better. He gently pulls your skirt down and adjusts your shirt. His hand moves into the direction of your face, coming to a stop at your collarbone taking the cross between his fingers. "You know silver does nothing to a werewolf, that's a myth." Your eyes shoot wide, he rips the necklace off and throws it somewhere in the woods.  

"Asshole."

"You should go inside, Bob is putting his clothes on looking for you." You turn your head, you can already see your bedroom window. He helps you stand up. "You should start thinking of a good excuse." He winks and then he is gone. You repeat knowing fully well that he is still able to hear you. "Asshole."

You walk as fast as you can which is pretty slow since your legs feel like jelly. You open the door with trembling hands with the first step in you bump into Bob who looks relieved and confused at the same time pulling you in a tight hug nevertheless. "Gods, where the hell were you? I haven't seen you the whole day." 

"I went into the woods for a short stroll. Fell asleep next to a pond, sorry." Falling asleep in random places is pretty common for you but he is eyeing you from head to toe and you're avoiding his gaze. 

"And what else happened? I mean you look like you wrestled with a bear." You bite your lips, your shoulders stiff, pressing your tights together, you can feel John's cum running down your legs. 

"I fell."

"You fell?" 

"Yes over a damn root what a cliche right?" Your laughter is too high, your smile too forced.

"I think I need a shower, so." He nods and you walk to your room like a penguin without the arm funny placement. 

"God, she is the worst liar I have ever seen." 

"Are you really surprised by that?"

"No, not really... John? Can I have what she had?” 

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