#denali shitposting

[thegamingcatmom]

MC: *slams the door on Tanya and locks it*

Tanya: *snickers in utter oh...honey*

Also Tanya: *proceeds to pull-*

Carmen, in the distance: "Don't you dare, querida."

Tanya: "..."

Also Tanya:

[thegamingcatmom]

*clonk*

*clonk*

*clonk*

*clonk*

...

*clonk*

Kate, still getting clonked: "Do you realize how stupid you look? And the last one was damn personal. Don't think I didn't notice."

*clo-*

MC, without missing a beat: "Looked in a mirror lately?

*clonk*

*clonk*

*clonk*

*clonk*

Kate: 😑

*clonk*

*clonk*

*clonk*

...

MC, entirely disappointed as she brings her Pokéball closer: "I think this one's broken."

Irina, in the distance: "The ball or Kate?"

[thegamingcatmom]

Imagine the utter awkwardness of having to stop your vampiric kidnapper from following you into the bathroom cause personal space what but also we might have forgotten that toilets do serve a purpose besides keeping up appearances.

...

MC: "...Can you, like...y'know-"

MC: *throws a pointed look towards the door*

Tanya: *blinks owlishly*

Tanya: "Can I...what?"

MC: "..."

Tanya: "..."

MC: "...Leave."

Tanya, blinking: "...Whatever for?"

MC: 😐

Tanya: 👀

MC, wishing the ground would swallow her whole: "...I can't when someone's watching. Or listening. So..."

Tanya: "..."

MC: "...Leave."

Tanya, flashing a dreamy smile: "But I do like watching you."

...

MC: "...First of all, that sounds wrong on so many levels. Second of all, you don’t wanna watch this. Trust me."

Tanya, entirely disturbed smitten: "I wish to know every facett of your being, love."

MC: "Not that one. Trust me."

Tanya, ever the desperate romantic: "Nothing in this world could possibly change how I feel about-"

MC, ever the brutally honest courtesy of her protesting digestive system: "I gotta shit, okay? So please."

Tanya: "..."

MC: *pointed look towards the door*

Tanya, making no move to move her ass: "...I see."

MC: "..."

Tanya: "..."

MC: "...Are you-"

Eleazar, from the other side of the door: "Has it started yet?"

MC: ⁉️🤯⁉️

Tanya: 😅...🤷‍♀️

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.

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Sigh.

Vampires. Am I right?

[thegamingcatmom]

Emmett: "I'm the strongest one around here!"

Kate @ MC: "Hold my blood bag."

MC: *holds blood bag*

...

Also MC: "Wait-"

.

.

.

And that, kids, is how MC finds out about vampires.

[thegamingcatmom]

Imagine MC getting sick on their honeymoon.

So now you have a retching MC, apologizing over and over for "ruining what was supposed to be their best night ever."

Then you've got a worried-out-of-her-mind Irina kneeling next to MC, alternating between rubbing soothing circles on her wife's back and scolding said wife for worrying about such trivial things when all she ought to be worried about is herself.

Then you've got a livid Tanya on the phone, demanding to speak to the airline's manager (or whoever else was responsible for the food) and threatening to sue their asses for trying to poison her wife.

Then you've got Kate slouching away on a counter in the bathroom, right next to a retching MC and a worried-out-of-her-mind Irina-

"Don't worry, babe. You've got plenty of time to make up for it."

*wink wink*

...

MC:

Irina & Tanya:

Kate:

"Honestly Kate-"

"What?? It was a joke-"

MC: *ugly crying intensifies*

[thegamingcatmom]

Tanya, still holding out her hand: "Doll, quit being so stubborn. Let me help."

MC, struggling: "Go away. And don't call me that."

Tanya: *dreamy sighing*

Kate, entering the scene: "Oh, well what do you know."

MC, still struggling: "What?"

Kate: "You're even more of a weakling than I thought."

Tanya: "Kate."

MC: "Fuck off."

Carmen, in the distance: "Mi amor."

MC: "...Sorry."

Kate, dramatic sigh: "Fiiiine, apology acc-"

MC: "Not you."

Kate: 😏

MC: *still struggling*

Tanya: "Oh, for the love of-"

MC, backing away: "No!"

Tanya, still approaching: "Yes."

MC: "N-Uff!"

Irina, who is definitely, 100%, not a tree: "You have three seconds to remove yourself before-"

MC: *removes herself in -3 seconds, nearly pulling a muscle in the process*

MC: "I...uh..."

Irina: "..."

MC: "..."

Irina: *eyes wander down*

MC: "..."

Irina: *eyes wander back up*

MC: *starts sweating*

Irina: 🙄

Irina: *snatches the thing from MC, nearly giving the hooman a heart attack in the process*

*pop*

Irina: *shoves hands the thing back, still glowering*

MC, holding onto the thing for dear life: "I...thank-"

Irina: *is gone before the hooman can finish*

...

MC: *shrugs*

Kate, already halfway out the kitchen: "Think I just died a second time..."

Tanya: *grumbles under her breath, smt about "not fair"*

MC: *happily munching on her pickles*

[thegamingcatmom]

Mother still looking for Mate-In-Law (because the planet is populated by idiots)...

A large poster, reading:

"WILL YOU BECOME THE NEXT NOT-DENALIS' DARLING?"

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Sasha: *done af because, apparently, every single person on this planet is a failure*

Also Sasha, most vexed: "Bring in the next one."

Vampiric servants employees: *bring in the next victim candidate*

#863: *enters with all the confidence of a lamb setting foot in a lion´s den*

Sasha: *highly expectant*

The Unholy Trinity sans Tanya: *slouching away in their chairs, twirling their hair, bored af*

Tanya: *indulges in leisurely repose*

#863: *regrets every life choice that has led up to this moment*

Sasha: "..."

#863: *glances nervously between the not amused Not-Denalis*

Sasha: *eye starts twitching*

#863: *starts to hyperventilate cause that is a lot of blonde-*

Sasha, no chill left: "Either SPEAK or STOP wasting my time, boy!"

#863: "Y-yes! M-Mistre-I mean My Lad-I mean Your Majes-I mean-"

Sasha: 😑

The Unholy Trinity sans Tanya: *still bored, still twirling, still slouching*

Tanya: *still indulging in leisurely repose*

#863: "I-I´m actually here because my mother-"

Sasha: "OUT!"

Vampiric servants employees: *drag #863 off to...somewhere, definitely not the way they came in*

Sasha, who can't deal: "Pane zmiluj sa…"

In the distance: *screams of terror*

Sasha: "...Next."

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Yet another treasure unearthed from the pit of despair that is my drafts. 😮‍💨

This was much longer originally, but I decided to split it so we can fully focus on Sasha here. Next one's all MC. 😉