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“She saved my life. Twice. Once from the headsman's axe and once from myself.“
“To protect the righteous and dispense justice on the rest. And now... you saw what I saw. The dragons dance and men are like dust under their feet. And all our fine thoughts, all our... endeavors are as nothing. We march now toward our annihilation. To die will be a kind of relief. Don't you think?”
They could never make me hate Criston Cole on his depression log
what i’ve done today:
written an essay that was due and therefore:
relieving some pressure and stress
eaten fruits and vegetables
taken a shower and moisturized
kept a promise and showed up
survived an anxiety attack and gotten home safe
shared my feelings
allowed myself to happy when a friend wanted to hang out and asked if I was free to do something with them
realized i needed something and then making plans to get it
written 530 words for my novel
cried when i needed to
im doing this thing where i say three positive things i did today and one i’d like to work on tomorrow.
so,
1. I met with my boss and didn’t assume she was firing me
2. I cleaned a little and cooked a simple dinner rather than ordering out.
3. i dealt with bills stuff.
tomorrow, i would like to leave the house more.
what i’ve done today:
worked out
drank water
eaten sensibly
written almost a 1000 words for my book
done a school assignment i’ve put off way too long
called my mom
taken a shower
shared something personal w my friends
e-mailed about a job
i’m doing this, i can do this.
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12-15-2022
Hellooooooooooo everyone.
You'd think I would keep these records updated more but I feel like this is a blog that I update when I feel like it.
So much has happened since the last update. Over a year actually.
Welp, quick catch up.
Those friends I talked about in the last update, weeks later ghosted me. Why? Because one of them was cheating on their fiancé and knew I would tell them if I found out. Ghosting is traumatizing.
An old friend of mine died in a motorcycle accident. Won't go into too much. Still painful.
My dog died that Thanksgiving. That was the worst thing I have ever experienced and ironically I've gone through a lot. Again won't go into it too much. Also still painful.
My husbands family pretty much disowned us. But honestly it doesn't bother me at all. Snobs.
Made new friends. Much better bunch than the last.
Moved into a new house bout a month ago with one of those friends and her family. Hoping this helps everyone with finances.
Currently looking for a new job since I now live too far from work and it now sucks. Their management is terrible.
It's definitely been a rough year. But still pulling through.
I guess the main reason I wanted to update was because reading through my last posts I realized how depressing they are. But I mean that's the point of this blog but I did want to update with some positivity. Though the catch up is pretty sad. But that's just what went on. Currently things are well. I still have anxiety attacks every now and then but my support system is stronger. Even though my depression remains, that doesn't mean life cant move forward. And that's the main point of this blog. Showing someone who lives with their depression but doesn't let it control them. My past will forever haunt me in my mind but I won't hide and feel sorry for myself. That's not living. Even in my darkest moments I always remember that death is easy, but life is hard. That's why I work to achieve life. It's too beautiful to waste. It can suck, but one chooses what to do about it.
Well this was long and got sappy. I'll see you guys in the next update. Whenever that will be.
6-14-2021
Been a while...
Honestly this is one of those blogs where if I feel like necessity to write something at the time in which I feel something important to talk about. This one has been bothering me for a while so lets talk about it.
Assumption.
Man do I hate Assumptions.
Assumptions can be good. Like you can ASSUME your significant other is having a good or bad day but you do what you can to male sure the next time they see you they will instantly be happy.
Or if you were me in my teenage years, always ASSUME your mother was going to find a way to blame you for their miserable life and try to drive you to kill yourself then your not as shocked and you just try your best to move forward while drowning out her yelling with the only available music you snuck on your mp3 player was Eminem. (It was the 2000s its all I had)
But Assumption can also be bad.
At this time I am having difficulty understanding my friendships. I, overtime, have tried to better myself with friendships and understanding how they work but perhaps there are still things that I don't understand because I haven't reached a mental state of "Adult".
Example.
"We ASSUMED that because you don't have kids you wouldn't want to hang out cause we would be around our kids."
Do you reach a certain age where if you don't have kids all your friends with kids don't like you anymore?
Or
"We ASSUMED that since you don't make as much money as we do you wouldn't feel comfortable going to this event with us."
Since when are my finances any of your concern. FYI they are not anyone's fucking concern.
Or this. This one is new...
"We ASSUMED that since you have depression you would just want to lay in bed all day and feel sad instead of coming with us to the party."
By MY definition, what they are ASSUMING is the Act of Accepting Depression but do nothing about it where I Accept my Depression but am trying to live with it and move on with my life. (I will make a separate post about that later.)
Again maybe I am ASSUMING that they are being shitty and don't like me anymore and its just my stupid anxiety acting up ASSUMING the worst in everyone.
Or maybe I just need to stop hanging out with people who need to seriously get over themselves and get a life.
P.S. I am writing this out at 4 AM so I may just be out of it.
