Riley's Journal

This is a public journal of the experiences of living with depression. This is not a guide of any sorts but a personal record. Actions and steps that this individual takes is not encouraged to do by others. This person is not a licensed professional. if you are suffering from Depression please seek out your own methods and seek professional help.

[rileystevensjournal]

12-15-2022

Hellooooooooooo everyone.

You'd think I would keep these records updated more but I feel like this is a blog that I update when I feel like it.

So much has happened since the last update. Over a year actually.

Welp, quick catch up.

Those friends I talked about in the last update, weeks later ghosted me. Why? Because one of them was cheating on their fiancé and knew I would tell them if I found out. Ghosting is traumatizing.

An old friend of mine died in a motorcycle accident. Won't go into too much. Still painful.

My dog died that Thanksgiving. That was the worst thing I have ever experienced and ironically I've gone through a lot. Again won't go into it too much. Also still painful.

My husbands family pretty much disowned us. But honestly it doesn't bother me at all. Snobs.

Made new friends. Much better bunch than the last.

Moved into a new house bout a month ago with one of those friends and her family. Hoping this helps everyone with finances.

Currently looking for a new job since I now live too far from work and it now sucks. Their management is terrible.

It's definitely been a rough year. But still pulling through.

I guess the main reason I wanted to update was because reading through my last posts I realized how depressing they are. But I mean that's the point of this blog but I did want to update with some positivity. Though the catch up is pretty sad. But that's just what went on. Currently things are well. I still have anxiety attacks every now and then but my support system is stronger. Even though my depression remains, that doesn't mean life cant move forward. And that's the main point of this blog. Showing someone who lives with their depression but doesn't let it control them. My past will forever haunt me in my mind but I won't hide and feel sorry for myself. That's not living. Even in my darkest moments I always remember that death is easy, but life is hard. That's why I work to achieve life. It's too beautiful to waste. It can suck, but one chooses what to do about it.

Well this was long and got sappy. I'll see you guys in the next update. Whenever that will be.

[rileystevensjournal]

6-14-2021

Been a while...

Honestly this is one of those blogs where if I feel like necessity to write something at the time in which I feel something important to talk about. This one has been bothering me for a while so lets talk about it.

Assumption.

Man do I hate Assumptions.

Assumptions can be good. Like you can ASSUME your significant other is having a good or bad day but you do what you can to male sure the next time they see you they will instantly be happy.

Or if you were me in my teenage years, always ASSUME your mother was going to find a way to blame you for their miserable life and try to drive you to kill yourself then your not as shocked and you just try your best to move forward while drowning out her yelling with the only available music you snuck on your mp3 player was Eminem. (It was the 2000s its all I had)

But Assumption can also be bad.

At this time I am having difficulty understanding my friendships. I, overtime, have tried to better myself with friendships and understanding how they work but perhaps there are still things that I don't understand because I haven't reached a mental state of "Adult".

Example.

"We ASSUMED that because you don't have kids you wouldn't want to hang out cause we would be around our kids."

Do you reach a certain age where if you don't have kids all your friends with kids don't like you anymore?

Or

"We ASSUMED that since you don't make as much money as we do you wouldn't feel comfortable going to this event with us."

Since when are my finances any of your concern. FYI they are not anyone's fucking concern.

Or this. This one is new...

"We ASSUMED that since you have depression you would just want to lay in bed all day and feel sad instead of coming with us to the party."

By MY definition, what they are ASSUMING is the Act of Accepting Depression but do nothing about it where I Accept my Depression but am trying to live with it and move on with my life. (I will make a separate post about that later.)

Again maybe I am ASSUMING that they are being shitty and don't like me anymore and its just my stupid anxiety acting up ASSUMING the worst in everyone.

Or maybe I just need to stop hanging out with people who need to seriously get over themselves and get a life.

P.S. I am writing this out at 4 AM so I may just be out of it.

[rileystevensjournal]

10-20-2020

I guess I am now a stereotypical struggling artist. I woke up in a bad mood this morning and I know why. Welcome to a side effect of most depressions called insomnia. I have always struggled with sleep. Always found nighttime the time to let my creativity unlease.

Unfortunately this is greatly effecting my life in the daytime. Today I woke up with back pain along with multiple pain throughout my body. Arms, legs. Worst of all my neck. Now who wouldnt be in a sour mood from that. Because of this adding to my depression of course results in my reluctance to do anything. No work, no play, no nothing.

My husband is now greatly concerned about my health.

And because I can t stand worrying him, i need to make some changes again.

I think after my wedding I got too comfortable in trying to relax. Its been 2 months and im starting to fall down in a depressing spiral. Going to try and change routine. Less junk food, more stretching and yoga maybe. Only time will tell.

[rileystevensjournal]

10-16-2020

Didn't have a very good day today. It started off fine. Went with my husband to try to vote. Unfortunately we have to wait til Monday in hopes of the lines to go down. So we just hung out. It got bad when I went to work though. It got busy of course but then I was harassed by a customer because he wasn't satisfied with company policy. Typical "I made you do a job but I don't like what your charging me. I want to pay you less" Situation. Except this time I was called a ignorant selfcentered cunt. He told me I was going to lose my job for my stupidity.

While he yelled at me for 15 minutes all I could think about was how I wish something would happen. A meteor, a car crashing into the building. Something. I realized slowly that my PTSD was about to kick in. Luckily he left and I was alone. But the memories started coming back.

The last time I was called a cunt directly in my face like that, I ended up running away from home.

Don't get me wrong i've used that word plenty while driving or dealing with the aftermath of a Karen confrontation. But I never use it directly to someone. And when your called a hurtful word no matter what it is, if it is hurtful to you it can honestly fuck up a person.

Now im here after taking a 4 hour nap feeling like shit.

Not only because of that guy at work but I also just looked through my finance books and I fucked up my savings. Was supposed to catch up so that we wouldnt have to be recluses the rest of year but....welp I fucked it up. Be lucky to actually buy christmas gifts this year.

Fml.

[rileystevensjournal]

Guess the best way to start this off would be to record an episode.

10-12-2020

Went to bed fine and happy as a normal person would. Of course I dont fall asleep that easily. However, I felt something was going on and a anxiety or panic attack was going to happen. I did my normal prep just in case. I know it sounds weird to prep for an attack but I think after a while some folks become aware of the signs.

So I got my prep together, grabbed my earphones and turned on my relaxing sounds hoping to catch it before it starts. But unfortunately it turned into what I assumed it was. An anxiety attack.

It was becoming hard to breathe which is what scares me the most. 1 because obvious I dont want to lose the ability to read and 2 because I didnt want to wake my husband and worry him.

I tried some breathing techniques to try and calm down and it would work a little but only for a moment. It was like when you take a road trip and your driving through hills of road, up and down up and down. You just want it to stop for a moment to collect yourself but it wont let you.

At that point I went to the next step, as silly as it sounds, I grabbed my stuffed animal I keep for these cases. I know a grown adult having a stuffed animal to help them sounds immature but a lot of times I find that some folk need something to comfort them especially during these sort of things.

I think my anxiety is a definite reflect on my childhood. I recall needing to feel safe and having no one but my toys and stuffed animals with me.

That seemed to have helped since it started to become easier to breathe. I was sitting up by that time which helps flow oxygen better.

After that on schedule it seemed that the moment the anxiety declined the sadness started making its way in.

The questions started coming, "why are you like this? Why cant you get over it? You have no reason to be this way. Just why?"

Of course I have no answer.

Eventually I laid back down and went to sleep after 3 hours.

I hate this side of me. Like most i didnt ask for this. I am in no way saying I have it worse. Depression is not a competition. Pain is not a competition and it shouldnt happen. Unfortunately we gotta live with it. Unfortunately I am stuck like this. I just gotta learn to deal with it.