DPDR is such a wild experience because like how do I explain that sometimes I’m just on autopilot and watching my life happen and I’m ME, like it’s not like DID or anything, I just don’t feel real or can place myself in space. Like a brain floating around a room with no physicality. It’s also so silly cause like bam I got on nerve pain medication (which severe chronic pain definitely contributed to me developing DPDR), started seeing a psychologist to process trauma, learned coping skills, and how to ground myself in space, and now I’m not on Spectator Mode. It’s awesome. Like bro this is great. I’m a Person existing and being Alive.
(Ensemble Stars) Hiyori Tomoe x gn!Reader x Jun Sazanami . Emotional Hurt/Comfort + Fluff . Polyamory, Dissociation/Derealization, Self disregard & struggle to rely on others, Minor Swearing, Hiyori x Jun and Bantering at the end
Petnames Used For Reader; '(My/Our) Darling', 'Sweetie'. Jun calls Hiyori 'dear'
" Things haven't been feeling right lately. A lasting state of mental disonnect. You need something to help, but you're not sure what will. The answers barge into your room. "
Ao3 Mirror . 2,485 Words
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Nothing seems to be right. Nothing feels right. Inexplicably every part of your surroundings has felt distant, a block in your mind keeping you from processing their existence. You wouldn't say you'd claim nothing is real or say every facet of reality is fake. But everything you turn to look to, try to grasp, has an almost simulated feel to it. You just can't comprehend the existence of anything in the world at all right now. And you wish you didn't have to endure this bout of disconnect, wish you could just close your eyes and everything would feel normal and present for once and forever. But you can't. You found that sleeping through the days only worsens it, but living through them is starting to break you down- even when absolutely nothing that would strain you is happening. Daily life is fine, there's no trigger that you can reasonably dig up in your mind. So why are you feeling like this?
Not that you're sure knowing would do you any good anyways. Everything you've tried has had no impact on it. Just simply stuck slowly spiralling into an abyss of mental withdrawl, maybe until you take back that inital thought and proclaim the world simply doesn't exist. Maybe alongside other things the mind will conjure up to completely convince you of an opposite reality than what really exists out there and in here. And what can you do about it? What is there you haven't tried?
Well, you could try talking to your partners. But you're not certain that they'd be able to do anything with the topic. Would they know what to even say? Would it cause them to freak out and shut down the conversation? Or would they even go as far to not even consider hearing the notion for your sake and merely laugh off the idea and leave you with nothing? Wow, it sounds like you're trying to vilify them. But you swear that's not what you mean. Surely they wouldn't mean any harm, maybe even offer some form of solace in a way outside of words if they can't find what to say. Truly you're just worried if anyone could take you seriously and help you, and if not that kind of rejection stings the more you've come closer to someone.
But you're sure they'd be fine, if you just asked. But you find yourself saying that you still don't want to. Stubborness dictating that you must not initate or indicate the idea of anything being wrong for fear of devolving into a stressful burden. Maybe if they saw through the glass facade and asked first, but you don't think you can be the one to break the ice on this one.
Well, you're getting your chance anyways, as in an instant they're barging through your door with Hiyori bleating out a "Ohh darling!" and Jun seemingly acting like the other wasn't the first to speak up in a overly loud tone, "Are you okay? We haven't seen you for a few days, and you haven't answered our texts or calls." Oh, right, those. You had honestly forgotten that the passage of time was both a thing and percievable for others. And not only that but the part of your brain that would tell you to respond when someone reaches out to you by means of your celluar device had essentially shut down, leaving you to notice their attempts but think nothing of them. While Jun treads up to you with slow steps Hiyori is in contrast rushing over to be by your side with a frantic expression, "Are you okay darling?! Is something going on, is something wrong?" They seem to be repeating both themselves and blocking out that they're also repeating what the other had already said. It's something sort of comical to note, even when they're being serious. At times it can be the slightest bit overwhelming, but overall you don't pay much mind to their quirk. Oh, right, you're supposed to say something back. Guilt for causing their worry is already creeping in, you can't keep leaving them in silence.
"I'm fine, just feeling off." A pretty much bullshit lie. You're feeling more than off, and while you haven't been actively sobbing and completely out of ability to keep your basic needs in check you're not sure if fine is an accurate word. Jun, who has made his way to your bedside, bluntly calls this out, "Is your version of feeling off becoming completely unresponsive for almost a month?" Shit, had it been that long?
Hiyori adds on to that thought, "We were going to come by earlier. But thought that maybe you were just busy, you know with work and stuff like we are? But it's been such a long time and I knew something just wasn't right!"
Jun remarks "We both knew, Hiyori." with no actual bite behind it. Then he puts down his snark and turns back to you, "Do you want to talk to us, though? We'd like to know what's going on, what's been going on." You without a thought let out a sigh. There's your chance, there's the chance that you've been secretly repressing your desperation for. But you just can't. Or can you? How do you get that ball rolling, what are you supposed to say?
The two don't rush in to push you with over the top encouragement, instead remaining in silence. But they do make a move to test the waters of laying down beside you, Hiyori moving in to gingerly slot himself in your hold while facing you, while Jun follows the same pace to wrap his arms around you from behind. You neither protest or move away, it clicks in your mind that you need this and if you were to reject and push them away you might make yourself break down at the rejection of such a needed comfort. There's silence in the air for a long pausing moment. Your lovers dare not to break it whilst you gather your thoughts and courage, only staring at you with a mixture of concern and care as they hope you're comfortable with the two wrapped around you. You are, and it shows as you finally drop your head onto Hiyori's shoulder with an exhale that relieves some of the tensions from your shoulders. He in response pulls you in ever so slighty closer, while Jun other other hand leans into the blades of your shoulder himself while the thumb of his hands start to caress over patches of your body.
Hiyori interjects for the shortest moment, "We love you." A small voice said with need for you to know. Jun affirms with a "Mhm, we do. We love you." this time muttered into your back, but with the emotional intent being just as strong. You find yourself able to speak up finally, "I know, I know. I love you too. Didn't mean to leave you in the dark like that. I just..."
Here you go. You can't muster up the energy for a proper explanation. So you'll just say it in the simplest way you can, "I haven't felt 'real' lately. It doesn't feel like I don't exist, but I can't connect to anything around me. It feels like I just can't register anything I see right." They're both quiet for a moment. Please, please don't let their response be pratically nothing and have this dropped without a further intent to discuss. You feel Jun pull his head away from you, and you can't see it, but they're both looking into each other's eyes in their own mutual understanding of what the other is thinking. Almost as if they were giving each other input on how to help you through this without needing to actually converse between them. Jun nods to him, an agreement that Hiyori will be the one to start, and resumes resting his forehead against you.
Following the cue Hiyori returns to gazing down at you, "Do you know why that is, darling?" You can only shake your head, "It just started happening one day. Nothing seems to help. I don't know what to do, but it isn't hindering my ability to do things."
Jun objects, "If it's causing you to feel like this, without even a break, then it's hindering you enough." He states matter-of-factly. You don't fully understand what he means, so you tilt your head to look back at him as a prompt to elaborate. "It doesn't matter if you can still get stuff done. I mean, it does, it's good that you're able to. But what I mean is that if you're feeling this way at all then that's important. You don't need to be completely broken down for something to be matter or be seen as 'bad enough'."
Oh yeah. That's another thing that had slipped your mind. Though that specific case has lingered around for far longer. So many times you've been shrugged and pushed off for suffering. The only thing those people had wanted from you was your convience, your productivity, and what you could do for them while recieving almost nothing in return. The idea that it was all you were good for was embedded into your mind like a dagger that just can't be pulled out. The notion that anything you go through is a trivial matter to pratically ignore unless it strips all ability to function, leaving you on the floor genuinely unable to move, and will not resolve itself without external intervention- that is a mindset you had lived with. And even if that were to happen you believed that you were obliged to grovel and the feet of anyone who offers assistance, even their help was subpar or even negligent, and apologize for being something they had to even think about. As well as dangle the fact you needed help over your head like it was a horrific crime until the day you died.
Putting it that way, it didn't make a whole lot of sense to you. You were a person, even if sometimes you struggled to call yourself that, why would you need to be sorry about the need for human connection and help? But then you ask yourself why wouldn't you, deeming your existence as inherently lesser to anyone else's. Another irrational mindset. You've tried to detangle and tear it out of your brain for ages. But it's thorns are burried deep. It'd be an understatement to proclaim that there's been absolutely no progress on it however. The men laying with you now being living proof of it. It's not easy, it still nags at you when you do, but you've found yourself learning to rely on them with less hesitance than you had at the start.
And speaking of them, you realize they had been calling your name. Hiyori's frequently used petname breaks you out of your trailed off internal monolouge, "Darling?" You jolt back into the moment, briefly apologizing for the zone out. He assures, "That's alright. Did you hear what we said, though? What's the last thing you remember?" A check in. Jun's affirmation of the severity of the matter despite retaining your ability to physically function is your answer, to which he nods, "You didn't miss much, then. I was just telling my darling that was Jun said was true, and that you don't need to undermine yourself in such a way." He presses a kiss to the top of your head, and restates, "Don't undermine how you feel. It's okay to say just you're feeling bad. Being completely incapacitated was never the minimum threshold for needing help- for needing support."
Jun in turns places a kiss to your shoulder, "Mhm. It's okay, lean on us. Doesn't matter how extreme the issue is, we're here. We're going to be here for our darling. Let us be here." You just almost miss the 'please' tacked on and said into your skin. The energy to refute their affirmations has all but left you, leaving a yearn to indugle and believe in their word. Maybe one day you won't view it as indulgence, but a simple truth you're deserving of. Maybe. But that's in the future. You mumble so aloud, but you don't think you're going to be able to shake the feelings of mental detachment from reality just yet- probably not for a while. But at the very least you'll try to maintain communication and reliance on them. You're sleepy, though. The cozy embrace of devotion and being truly cherished lulling you into a long awaited rest. Things can be discussed later, how to cope through everything short circuiting you can be figured out together another day. It's time to fall into slumber for now.
Both your partners come to relax upon seeing your soothed state. Smiles gracing their lips as they nuzzle closer into you. Jun bids first, "Alright. Sleep well sweetie. We'll be here when you awake, mkay?" with a kiss to the back of your skull. Followed by Hiyori's nod and kiss to your forehead, "Mhm! You sleep well now, our darling. You're in for a lot of pampering when you wake up." He pledges with a cheery lilt of voice. And you doze off, finally filled with a peace you've been lacking that you now see will be happily provided by them.
...
Once it's established you're well deep into sleep Hiyori breaks from his admring stare onto you and morphs into a teasing smirk and raised back as he turns to Jun, "You just had to one up me. With that 'our darling' phrase."
Jun fires back with nonchalance, "And you had to copy it. You're always saying 'my darling'. Do you know what polyamory means?" It's a totally rhetorical question, he isn't actually bothered any and they both know it. "I call you dear too, if that gives you any indication."
"Ah! Dear, but not darling! I'm hurt, Jun." Playing up the antics, finding a reason to put on the melodrama to push the back and forth of banter, as Hiyori usually does.
"What? It's not like one's any better or 'superior' to the other." Jun shakes his head. But they both pause when they feel you stir at their voices. Not breaking out of sleep, but rattled enough by the satirical argument to give a short furrow of the brow and shift against the sheets. "Right. Time to sleep." Jun points out in a whisper, settling against your form.
Hiyori does the same, "Yeah. Goodnight, dear." an emphasis on the petname, one last loving tease to wrap things up.
Jun rolls his eyes, but knows he can feel his heart swell at the way Hiyori mixes sass with affection. He reciprocates, "Yeah yeah. Goodnight, darling."
And three bodies lay in slumber, witth hope sparked that everything can be okay.
Thespius: *voice is muffled and sounds like it’s coming through an old radio* ….clicky…? Clicky….?
Click clack: …?
Thespius: …..where were you….?
Click clack: …Thespie…? What are you talking about? I’m right he—
Thespius: …..why didn’t you save me……? *slowly turns and face is a pitch black void with two hyperealistic eyes in place of his normal ones, with a glowing rift crack in his chest*
Click clack: *wakes up gasping and panting in a cold sweat, finds themselves on a sleeping Thespius’s chest as it rises and falls* ……
(Part of my headcanon that click clack has PTSD from the rift incident)
(Part of this is also inspired by a comic about Gogy having a nightmare by @sootnuki :)) )
I’m gonna share a concept that I wanna work on: Basically the story takes place within an old school detective style videogame. Where one of the protagonists, a grizzled detective, finds out her world isn’t real. At first she’s given a few cases and the first few, she notices just a few plot holes that she just can’t seem to give answers to. Though she doesn’t question because she found the definitive culprits right? So she moves on.
In the recent case however, she decides to look deeper, she begins to analyze the story given to her, and as she claws and tears through the unintended holes in her case, she only finds more unanswered questions, each becoming less and less relevant to the original case. Suddenly she’s now questioning everything she thought she knew. It all becomes more apparent to her that her world is all fictional.
Loud Crack echoed and everything around rippled at 1006 turmoil and pendant hitting the floor. Reality twisted and splintered -
And- 1006 woke up on the floor.. surrounded by blankets and pilllows, His little ones, asleep by and on him soundly, curled up.
A book laid, one of Catnap's favorites, little ones really liked that one too. Was it Storytime?..
Warmth from the dream and of mini critters remained.
It will be okay.
- Nap Crescent🌙
(*bows*short but fun- i hope👉👈)
Did- did they hit their dome on something? How in the world... a lone optic flickered alight, scanning over that multicolored pile of Littles around and on top of them.
They appear content, even while in such harrowing proximity to the worst parts of him... yet, what would normally have set '06's mind at ease at the sight, was now only working to further drive how much the gap in memory sickened them.
Any lost time was an incalculable loss, and--
Wait... when had he gotten back to the Better Hall? Moving slowly, conscious of every possible hinge and joint which could way too easily pinch OR damage unprotected fabric skin- he hefts itself upon bony elbows, unwittingly hitting the MEMORY of a memory of a "funny" "bone" with a hiss- until a manic hand surged for their neck post, feeling the HINTS of an itch within touchy cabling.
A... dream? That can't be right, it hadn't dreamed in well over... Right- The smoke.
for gods sake--i cant breathe-help m- GET UP.
And then his upper half SPRUNG upright with hauntingly silent grace of a phantom, chassis rapidly heaving air which didn't seemingly care enough to allow itself in.
ok ngl this feels kinda weird to say out loud but I've started practising piano at night bc of a kin, I find that when Kris (Deltarune) kinshifts result in heavy derealisation piano frees me. sometimes it's just an urge to get up out of bed, put my headphones on, and play. it does help, it feels like something that is only for me and that nothing controlling me can make me do. it's nice to have something like that for myself :)
