I will not let go of your hand
when I feel the weight of their eyes on us,
because this
this is permitted
This passes as nothing
I can hold you in plain sight
fingers woven, steady, close,
and no one flinches
It hurts how normal we look
I am spared because I am not a boy
So my staying seems gentle
So my wanting seems small
So my love learns how to disappear
while still being real
Like it was nothing
But this is not nothing
I feel it in my chest, heavy and wrong
My body knows before my mind admits it:
staying like this hurts
Holding you hurts
Wanting more than I’m allowed to name
hurts
Still, I stay
I stay quiet
I stay careful
Because asking would change everything
and silence keeps you here
Your hand is still in mine
I do not let go
I never do
But something in me loosens
something begins to understand
that holding on
is not the same as being held.








