He had wanted to give Kanade a romantic confession, one worthy of the poems she admired. Instead, she got a rushed declaration spurred on by competition and jealousy. That wouldn't do.
He couldn’t change what happened. He couldn’t undo that regret of his, those embarrassing first words of love. But he could make another move, make it clear just how genuine his feelings were.
She had waited long enough for him. He was going to make it worth her while.
--
Tsutomu's Confession, part two. Read on AO3 or under the cut! Set immediately after the end of Chapter 173.
After the adrenaline of his confession leaves him and reality sets in, Tsutomu feels overwhelmed with regret.
This was all wrong. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. He had a plan – well, not precisely. He had plans. He had a journal full of them. Like all things in his life, he had wanted to perfect this moment through analysis and planning.
And then Nishida had to go and ruin everything with that fakeout of his.
Well, saying he ‘ruined’ everything might be an incorrect assessment. That stunt of his did lead to Kanade’s reciprocation, after all. He couldn’t be too upset about that. But it still wasn’t proper. He had wanted to give Kanade a romantic confession, one worthy of the poems she admired. Instead, she got a rushed declaration spurred on by competition and jealousy. That wouldn't do.
He couldn’t change what happened. He couldn’t undo that regret of his, those embarrassing first words of love. But he could make another move, make it clear just how genuine his feelings were.
She had waited long enough for him. He was going to make it worth her while.
---
“Kana-chan! Please read this!”
Even those simple words were enough to make her blush. He must have spoken them to her a hundred times in the past, but now they made her feel entirely different. She suddenly understood the feeling her mother had with poem 43 – something new had begun, and nothing would ever be the same.
The sensation delights her just as much as it scares her.
But now wasn’t the time for such pondering. She couldn’t just leave him without an answer.
“Of course,” she says. She takes the journal from his outstretched hands. “Should I read it aloud?”
“That won’t be necessary. Just sit down and I can read over your shoulder,” he says, and she complies with the request. “That way I can explain – oh, right. I should explain, this my – uh, this is…”
His face is flush in burning autumn red. It would be gracious of her to pretend not to notice, but he looks far too cute for her to resist. She smiles at him slightly, and he looks down to avoid her gaze.
“This is… this is my real confession.” He looks back up at her, finally. “I regret how I initially told you my feelings, so please let me try again. This is a journal I’ve been keeping for about a year now. I think if you read it, you’ll understand how I truly feel.”
His earnest declaration makes her heart beat faster. For months, she’s been waiting – waiting to understand how he truly felt about her. She knew he felt something, but she couldn’t tell just what it was. Was it just a fleeting attraction, or an emotional connection? She was too scared to ask. And so she waited. Perhaps it was cowardly of her, but she knew she could not bear rejection if she was wrong. The Mizusawa Karuta Club needed both her and Tsutomu. If she had been incorrect, and it led to one of them leaving the club... it wasn't a possibility she could consider.
So she waited for him to clarify, almost turning into seaweed salt in the process. But finally, he did. It wasn’t the confession of her dreams, but it was a confession from the one she dreamed of – so she held it dearly all the same. How could she judge him on the quality, when he was brave enough to do what she would never dare try?
Still, she’d be lying if she said she wasn’t eager to see this real confession of his. “I’ll be certain to read it carefully.”
And then, she opens the journal. She had been expecting a diary of sorts, but was surprised to find a series of tally marks on the very first page.
KANADE - IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
NISHIDA - IIII
SUMIRE - II
SUKUBA -
TAICHI - III
CHIHAYA - I (Flutter vs heart palpitation? Does it really count if it’s from a full-body slam?)
“This was from the beginning when I started to realize I might like you. I wanted to make sure it was – I wanted to double-check my own conclusions. I didn’t want to rush in. Because if I was wrong, and this wasn’t what I thought I was, how could I forgive myself for misleading you?”
His admission makes her heart ache, because it was a feeling she understood all too well. Not so much about her own feelings towards him – those entered her life naturally and without any doubts. But when she suspected his own reciprocation, everything felt uncertain. And as much as she wanted relief, she too could not forgive herself if things went wrong.
“So for one week, I counted how many times each club member made my heart flutter. In hindsight, I really should have used a more scientific metric, but at the time… anyway. Most members were able to make me feel that way a few times that week, usually due to a kind compliment. Ayase managed it through physical force. But with you, even simple things would make me feel that way.”
“A fluttering heart is a wonderfully romantic way to measure things,” she says. Not what she would expect from him, but a pleasant surprise.
She considers teasing him a bit, asking what exactly she did to make his flustered – but she decides against it. After a pause, she turns the page and reads the next entry.
Sweet.
Caring.
Optimistic.
Determined.
Down to earth.
Disciplined.
A unique perspective on Karuta.
Pretty.
“After determining that I did like you, I wanted to figure out why I did. So – I listed out your good qualities. Or at least the ones that came immediately to mind – this is by no means an exhaustive list. Come to think of it, I forgot to write down responsible…”
“You’re making me blush,” she says, the flush heating her cheeks. “I don’t know what to say, this is so thoughtful… you’re really too kind.”
“I’m not too kind,” he insists. “I’m just – just telling the truth, about the traits you possess. They’re what make you such a good person and such a good friend. You kindly take care of others, even when doing so is difficult. Even when it means making difficult decisions. Even from a platonic standpoint, I – I admire you a great deal.”
She feels overwhelmed by emotion. She is tempted to be embarrassed by his praise, but she must persist – these are his honest feelings, and she must acknowledge their worth. To deny these qualities would be to deny his own truth.
“Thank you,” she says, managing to keep her voice far more composed than her heart. “I admire you a great deal as well. You’re incredibly smart and wonderfully helpful and –”
“N-not right now! This isn’t about me,” he says. “Let me finish this first.”
“I understand.” She wonders if he’s feeling the same emotion she just experienced – that mixture of embarrassment and pride. She can sympathize. But when it comes to feelings, one isn’t bound by the rules. “But once you’re done, you’ll let me share my thoughts, won’t you?”
Perhaps it was a dirty move, but the bashful look on his face made it worth the while. “Well… yes, I suppose. B-but moving on! You can go to the next pages, now.”
She does, and is faced with the dense note-taking style she’s come to expect from Tsutomu. But instead of an analysis on karuta, the pages are full of ways he could confess to her. A White Day return present. A love poem. A trip to the aquarium. Dozens of plans, all of which have detailed notes on how they could be executed and why she might enjoy them.
He had put so much care into these plans. He had put so much care into her. He too had been waiting this entire time – they had both been longing for the same exact thing.
“These are all of the confessions I had planned. You can pick any one of them, and I’ll do it – proper, this time. Or I’ll do all of them if that’s what it takes! Anything I can do, to prove how I genuinely feel – say the word. I’ll get it done.”
Her eyes begin to water, no longer content to contain these emotions within her own body. She immediately slams the book shut, startling Tsutomu. “I’m sorry, I – I didn’t want my tears to stain these, these - these wonderful plans you made. They’re just so - so -”
Her first tear falls, and more soon follow. Tsutomu produces a piece of fabric – one that she recognizes as his lens cloth – and gently dries her tears.
A minute passes without any words, her cries the only sound in the room. Momentarily, she worries that she made things awkward, before quickly dismissing the thought. The silence between them is comfortable.
“Thank you,” she says softly. “For everything.”
“Of course,” is all he says. It’s an assurance of devotion – that, of course, he’ll be there to dry her tears, that, of course, he’ll put in this amount of effort to make her happy.
“You don’t need to do another confession. Through your words, I already experienced them all,” she says. “You gave me dozens of confessions in the span of just a few pages. Understanding your true feelings is more than enough for me.”
“Are you sure?”
“Well… I suppose if you insist, I would like to see you write a poem for me. You remember how to write tanka, don’t you?”
He sighs at the request, but the smile on his face makes it hard to take the protest seriously. She giggles at the sight.
After all of their waiting, they had both finally reached the moment they so longed for.
