#despondent

[kcrlfs]

i'm feeling so many things about supriya leaving the pitt. i'm confused because i don't feel like this is where her storyline this season was intended to go, and i don't think it's in line with the character we saw last season & how much she grew.

i'm upset for supriya, who is so talented and deserved better material if this was going to be her final season and not just part of an ongoing arc.

i'm so sad we'll never get to see how her story concludes. we'll never get to see her having the kind of conversation every single other character has gotten this season, where she's told that she's valued & given the support she needs. we'll never get meaningful resolution between her & robby. we'll never get to see the continuation of her dynamic with abbot which, platonic or romantic, has been such a big part of both of those characters from the beginning.

i'm really angry and i don't know where to direct that anger. and i'm just selfishly so disappointed that two of my favorite characters were the first to leave this show.

i've been thinking about that interview noah wyle did a while back, when he said something like, "people relate to these characters basically one-to-one, so the most important thing is that we keep honoring their stories."

i feel really, really let down by that right now. samira reminded me a lot of myself; someone who spent so long focusing on self-improvement, on success, on getting to the next thing, and then turned around one day & realized i'd neglected most of what mattered. someone who got pushed out of pursuing a career i'd wanted by teachers & mentors who didn't see me. someone who was capable of tremendous empathy but also had a temper, was impatient, was bad at friendships & relationships. someone who talked back and stood up for herself.

and as someone who has also spent a lot of time in emergency rooms, she's the kind of doctor i would have loved to have when i was sitting there alone & scared & feeling like my pain was an inconvenience.

she's not the only reason i watch the show. the show has been & still is bigger to me than any one actor or character. but samira meant so much to me, and i know she did to a lot of other people as well. i wish i was able to write about this more eloquently, but mostly right now i just feel like screaming.

[nonhicsumus]

[madewithonerib]

kitten jail with another inmate [14:00] prison terms

[vintage-tigre]

[lizalfosrise]

This is worse than the previous betrayal nodes c’monnnn

[matt0044]

Art by: https://www.deviantart.com/citroskull

Inspired by the story of this music video:

Karma. Long overdue.

There was no other word Jitoki could think of to describe what she’d brought upon herself. It was the only thing she could think of in her numbed state of mind, staring blankly down away from the Officer rattling on.

This wasn’t some random break-in or kidnapping gone wrong.

This was a something she set in motion herself.

“I waited for you!” she remembered Gotsuki’s anguished screams. “I put up with so much pain because I thought you were searching!”

Getting her face nearly smashed in was nothing compared to the piercing cries of a daughter abandoned.

“Why did you leave me?” Gotsuki bawled between strikes. “Why did you let them hurt me? Why didn’t you love me? Why? WHY!?”

Jitoki would loved to sooth the scorned child’s heart by spinning a narrative of Mr. J tricking her into thinking she was led off the fairgrounds. That the circus skipped town before she got to the police.

No.

The truth was that Gotsuki was unplanned, a sudden burden to take care of after the father no-showed. She was tight on money and the stigma of being a single mother was hard to shake off.

So when the gangly clown took Gotsuki by the hand, Jitoki stopped and let her be taken. Like a car running on fumes, she finally seized up. Perhaps the circus would take pity on a poor child.

It would be years before she could cope with her crushing guilt until she found who she believed to be Mr. Right. When Mezu was born, she even promised to do right by her new daughter.

But here she was. Her husband abandoning her after learning the truth of Gotsuki. Her second daughter taken by her first, the one she betrayed. The more it plagued her mind, the more she felt she should’ve seen this coming.

Now… it was her being left behind.

———

This is part of my AU where Jitoki has survived to reap the consequences of her actions.

Her left eye being only visible contrasts with Gotsuki’s murderous right eye as well as the diverging timelines in the music video.

[carnivoured]

Here’s a sad mr choi gif I made for dejection and dispiritedness

[dramoor]