We increase our speed, considerably. It was exhilarating. I still seemed stealth masc to most people in my life, but I started growing out my hair. Sir said I wasn't allowed to cut it. It went from a baby mullet to a shag. People started to notice, they started asking if I was growing it out on purpose. I started getting misgendered by strangers again. I told Him about it, He said it was good and told me to rub.
The mantras continued. "I am a dumb whore, a bimbo, a rapetoy." Saying my name, my real name, over and over again. Repeating how I am owned to Him. I devote more of my life to Him. I think about the mantras before I go to sleep, in anxious moments to calm down. They make me feel safe. I feel important, owned.
I stop taking T. It was hard. We focused on the positives of ending it, but I remember having some missteps. I took it in secret one time, he only called me by my masc name for days. He said if I felt like a boy, he was going to treat me like one. I hated it. I begged him to stop almost immediately. I just wanted to be a good girl. He put me on denial for one of the first times. I stopped taking it after that. We start talking about me going on a birth control with progestrone in it, or another way I can take E. It makes me wet to talk about, but I dont think I'll actually do it.
He started making me collect all my masculine clothes into piles. He convinced me to order a skirt online. I was so scared to go into a store and buy one. I thought everyone would see me and know I was pretending to be a girl. It was like that for panties too. Eventually, He helped me pick out a good set online. I bought it. I was scared to wear them, but He told me no one would notice. So, I did. It felt great. I started wearing them all the time. He told me when I was allowed to wear boxers.
Everything felt fast, and new. It was a lot of change. I was excited, but hesitant. I told Him about my worries, and he soothed them with mantras and hypno. I came a lot. Multiple times a day for weeks, I kinda got addicted to it. There was a period where it was all I thought about. I looked forward to things again, I started feeling like I had value through him. I see more peaks into his life. He is weird, and funny. He calms me down when I freak out. I try to guess His name. He won't tell me, He says I haven't earned it yet.
I think to myself that I will try to do anything I can to earn it.
