#diagnosedadhd

[bilightningwriter]

Does anyone else imagine stimming sometimes in place of actual stimming? Like, I find myself imagining me flapping my hands a lot rather than actually doing it sometimes. Usually more when I'm having to mask, but even sometimes when I don't need to. Though, to be fair, I still have to deal with when my family would walk by my room and give me odd looks for talking to myself or doing something because having the door closed wasn't a thing (my cats, enough said, lol). I've moved out, but I still feel weird.

Anyway, I was wondering if anyone else did this or if I'm just weird. Wouldn't be the first time.

[bilightningwriter]

Gender dysphoria sucks. Misgendering too. Had to talk on the phone to someone to fix my phone and found out it's not a phone call I even needed to make because the issue was already solved. But it started out fine and then just ended up devolving and I really just felt like crying afterwards. Basically started out with being called sir, then the guy changed it to ma'am because when I'm stressed my voice goes back to higher and more feminine. Either way, I was already too wound up to correct him but I wish I had because he ended up being really sexist and rude when I started losing my patience being given the runaround again. The call ended up in me apologizing to him for losing my cool and the line kept cutting in and out so I don't know if he even apologized in return.

Anyway, that's all the energy I have in explaining it. I'm dreading therapy tomorrow because my new therapist isn't super helpful but also the only one I can get a letter for top surgery from right now and I really really don't want to start from scratch again.

I'm just stressed and ready to cry and there's no one in my personal life I know with gender dysphoria that I can rant and they know what I'm dealing with and how to help.

Yeah, that's my rant for today. If I'm still crappy tomorrow I might cancel the stream again. It's been a long stressful week and I'm on the edge of burnout.

[bilightningwriter]

There's a lot of stuff that got ruined for me because of people trying to "help" me with my ADHD when I was younger. Like, gum, the color red for school supplies, outlines for papers, timers, stuff like that. I wouldn't call them triggers, but I don't enjoy them much at all when I know it didn't bother me as much before it was forced on me.

My sister's kindergarten teacher (also after school sitter) made me chew gum to help me concentrate. Usually for homework or some learning stuff. It would give me a headache after a while and all I remember from that time is chewing gum, not whatever I was learning.

Red folders and notebooks were proposed to help me remember topics better because my English teacher told my mom there were studies done about red being a color to help memory. Guess what I remember from those classes? If you guessed red, that's correct. And that's all I remember. Tbh, I remember the stuff I wrote in my green stuff more than red or even blue (my favorite color).

Outlines were always pushed for papers. Especially by the same English teacher who suggested the red. While she was a great teacher and supposedly the best in my school to help with ADHD folks, I hated her attempts. They didn't help at all and made me resent stuff more. If I had to do an outline, I'd do it in my head, write the paper, then reverse engineer the outline from it. If it had to be in class, I'd trash the outline when I got home. Doubt my mom realizes that's what I was doing because she still likes how the teacher "helped" me.

Timers were made to make me work on my homework with a set time. 15 minutes one subject, 10 minutes break, repeat until all homework done, swapping subjects each time. I remember just ignoring the timer until it screamed at me (still makes me anxious and I can hear it clearly just typing, probably the most a trigger if any of these are actual triggers), turn it off, reset it, but keep working on the same subject until it was done. Wouldn't even take breaks because I wouldn't enjoy what I took a break doing.

This is all stuff my mom is still convinced helped and would still help me. Yet all of it I still have resentful memories and cringe at. Anyone else have stuff like this?

[bilightningwriter]

Related to a post I made yesterday. Basically this is some pictures of what I'd sell in an Etsy store if I can ever get motivated enough to do it. Lack of interest from others is one big thing stopping me.

Anyway, as of right now, it's just knitted hats (pride themed and solid colors) and personalized "business/calling" cards. Let me know if you'd be interested at all. Just a like or a "yes absolutely" comment would mean a lot, but no pressure at all.

I've already got a name picked out for the store, I just haven't done anything so I haven't made it yet. But if I get enough interest I'll get on actually making some things and starting up making the store again.

[bilightningwriter]

Just something I've been thinking, but in looking for a diagnosis in autism, has anyone else had people not specialized in it tell you "well you can't have it because such and such reasons."

Like, my mom said I can't because I don't hyper focus (untrue, plus ADHD folks also do it and I did get diagnosed with that) and because I don't act like her autistic coworkers.

I've had 2 therapists now through online services tell me I can't have it, though one specified that "it's just issues with sensory and things of that nature".

I have my first testing done by an official place that diagnoses adults, but I'm getting frustrated that no one in the meantime is listening except my boyfriend and close friends. I know I'm not imagining it and as soon as I start listing why, the stances in the negatory change to "well I'm not qualified to say yes or no". So why input in the first place?

[bilightningwriter]

So, I'm learning to play Magic The Gathering (MTG). Now one question, if a card specifies he/him or she/her, then what do us nonbinary folks do? Or just folks that use they/them or neopronouns? Do we ignore the card and what it says?

This is half-joking, but I found it funny in case this could be a legit loophole, lol.

[bilightningwriter]

At what point does an awkward bean like myself start enforcing changing pronouns at a place like work? Like, I'm kind of already giving up at the hope of they/them because of both coworkers and customers aren't going to get it maybe ever (the whole plural thing and I'm basically the youngest one in our department, so it's hard to stand up for myself when I'm also awkward and don't think of good points in the moment).

Anyway, being on T and yet another shortening of my hair I've been getting called sir and young man more and more, so like, at one point do I ask my coworkers to stop "correcting" people? Like, he/him gives me less ew feelings than she/her does. Not quite euphoria, but still pretty darn close.

[bilightningwriter]

Now, I hate asking for help. Or money. Basically I hate asking anyone for anything when I can't give in return. Hence why I made my Etsy store (not doing well making products but I'm trying with what little time and energy I have) and YouTube channel. Heck, even started Twitch and I'm an anxious bundle of nerves when I do stream, even if I only get one consistent person (whoever you are, thanks for sticking around, even if it's just a bot).

But the idea of just starting a GoFundMe for top surgery and using those other things to someday get a house or a good car is really appealing. If only because I don't have enough faith in myself to get popular enough to get monetary value on YouTube or Twitch any time soon. And I really really want to get top surgery sooner rather than later. I've been waiting so long and I'm almost there. I just don't know what it'll cost me or the waiting list or what because I still need to talk to my insurance before I pick a surgeon.

I dunno. If I do make a GoFundMe, I'll post it on here too. But I don't expect or put pressure on anyone to donate or even share it.