ladybug on the wall.
since my last update, I feel like my life has changed really quickly and really suddenly. but don’t worry, not in a bad way WHATSOEVER. for once, im actually gonna be discussing spirituality like I planned to do in this blog way way back when I first made it before my health went to poopoo, so I hope you enjoy a more spiritual-based life update! :’)
before I continue, this isn’t a health update at all because…strangely enough… nothing has really happened to me health wise. I had the mildest flare up when I was sick after twitchcon (which always happens when I get fevers) but that is pretty normal for me. combined with being unemployed for months, I literally have no choice but to rest and lay around all day, which is what I physically crave constantly. because of this, my body has felt the best it’s felt in years, which is crazy to even admit. but that’s not the focus of this update, so let’s move on ;)
the last time I wrote here, I was about to go on my trip to san diego for twitchcon 2024. I was sooo nervous to go on this trip, as I shared, but simultaneously maintaining a very optimistic mindset about it all. Incase you didn’t catch the update, my nerves were stemming mostly from the fact I’d be traveling entirely alone for the first time ever, which scared me immensely. in addition to that, I had only $50 to spend practically for transportation AND food (which…really didn’t get me anything dude). just to add fuel to the fire, I had no idea what to expect. i had never been to twitchcon before and I barely streamed during that time, so the whole thing felt so bizarre and strange to me. despite that, something really deep in my bones told me that this trip was going to mean more to me than I could comprehend in that moment.. and i wanna talk about that for a moment.
my connection with my spirit guides, as i like to call them, is so valuable to me. for context, I don’t really follow a religion or specific spiritual belief system. I have always just labeled myself as pagan, agnostic, or just simply spiritual because labels don’t always do me any justice, it seems. but I’ve always loved the concept of spirit guides. the idea of little “angels” or energetic beings surrounding you at all times and guiding you through your most pivotal and foundational life moments has always brought me comfort during the darkest times of my life. I don’t view them as human, nor do I see them as beings with wings that know my entire future and have all the answers to my problems. rather, I feel like they are energetic beings that have a purpose to sort of just sit there and… observe. they watch you live your life and make your decisions with free will, not predetermined or anything like some religious people believe, and they find ways to guide you through your intuition and your feelings to help you make decisions for your highest good. I like to think that they are the most evolved souls that are assigned to humans that still have some work to do. it’s like my own personal helpline, someone I can lean on when I feel like I can’t trust my own decisions or conclusions. the more I’ve practiced communicating with them, the more impressed I become with the results. for example, I unfortunately experienced spiritual psychosis a couple years ago due to some mental health issues. because of this, I started to doubt my relationship with my guides and could no longer decipher the real messages from the ones my ocd or my psychosis were creating out of nothing. because of this, I made a promise to myself that I cannot accept a message from the universe if it’s too simple and too easy to replicate. if it’s something I can experience more than once in my lifetime, it’s not a real message. it’s not real guidance. this rule has made my communications and intuition so much stronger with my guides since then, and I highly recommend any other spiritual people with similar beliefs as me practice implementing this into their own spiritual routine for their own mental peace.
so… what does this have to do with twitchcon, you may ask? spoiler alert, that intuitive feeling I felt about this trip was right. I can’t even begin to tell you how special life has become since the day that trip up until the very moment I am typing this post.
one last backstory piece before I get into the meat of this update, but I promise it’s crucial. growing up, I was certain I was going to be an entertainer of some kind. I didn’t know if that meant I’d be a singer, actress, or what— but I knew I’d be something. this was incredibly evident in the countless home videos my family has of me singing and dancing in front of a crowd of family members, performing for school events, and never shying away from a camera. it wasn’t until I discovered YouTube at the ripe age of 5 years old that I realized that’s what I was destined to do. as soon as I was given my own camera at 8 years old, the video making began. it started as videos on my Nintendo 3DS, then it slowly gravitated toward shitty flip phone cameras and cameras that could barely record 3 minute videos. as time went on, I was gifted a MacBook Air from a family friend, and I learned about the magic of screen recording Animal Jam. from that point forward, the rest was history. to this day, some of these videos stay private on an old YouTube account for absolutely nobody to come across. despite this, I have always known from the depths of my soul that I am going to be a video content creator. when ever I speak to old friends from elementary or middle school, they always tell me they knew id end up doing it one day. when I got to this silly twitchcon convention, barely any streaming experience under my belt, I still felt like something was going to change within me. and it did.
for starters, I met some amazing and incredible people just like me. I know this is going to sound ridiculous and cliche, but I truly don’t feel understood or seen unless im around people who do partake in any form of content creation such as streaming, editing, or youtube videos. I know this is going to sound parasocial and ridiculous, but even when I was talking to some youtubers and streamers I’ve looked up to and idolized creatively, I felt like I was hanging out with friends and catching up. the conversations flowed so playfully and genuinely. it was such a bizarre feeling to be somewhere so far from home whilst completely by myself yet simultaneously feel like id found where I belonged. it was such a ridiculously powerful feeling to have in that moment, and it immediately made me spiral into this massive self revelation that made me completely rethink my future and my entire purpose.
what’s stopping me from pursuing my dream?
why haven’t I done this yet?
why not?
it all hit me like a train on the flight back home. the moment I was back in my bedroom, I went right to my computer and started setting up all of my content creation stuff immediately. I couldn’t believe I had wasted all this time believing this was just a silly dream when I could simply just…. do it. I mean… what’s stopping me? every single content creator on planet earth starts out just like this, someone with a dream. if I feel it in my soul that this is my calling and my purpose, why am I pushing it away? why am I ignoring that part of me so deeply?
so… I started. I began to stream for many hours a day starting on the first of October. it started off slow, as expected, but strangely started to pick up really quickly for a first time streamer. I was not even a week in and noticed I was halfway to the affiliate goal on Twitch. I started networking and meeting amazing and talented people who I have such a privilege of just being associated with, let alone FRIENDS with. I’ve been the happiest I’ve been in so long in just this month, let alone in just the past couple years. In a very short period of time, I began to really familiarize myself with the streaming lifestyle.
another factor that really motivated me to go down this path was the fact I’ve been unemployed since August. now, this is another one of those moments where I really needed to trust my intuition and my guides even when the signs felt unreal or impossible. when I quit my job back in August, it was abrupt and impulsive, as per usual with me. I was craving so desperately to get away from there to the point where it overpowered my logical thinking and caused me to quit without notice, something I would never have done a year ago. but, and I know you’re not gonna believe me when I say this, it was another one of those moments where I felt in the depths of my soul that this was what I must do. so, I trusted it. I surrendered to the absolute unknown and trusted that the universe had something better in store for me. but as the weeks went by and I was denied job after job, I started to believe that I had misjudged my own intuition and made a horrible mistake. when I began to run out of money to the point where I had no money for food and began losing weight due to the fact I didn’t have enough to eat, I started to feel immense dread and doubt. strangely enough, I still felt this even stronger part of me that knew it was going to be okay. it felt like a blanket of warmth that would wrap around me when my mind would spiral every single time. it would embrace me like a warm hug every time someone would ask me when I was going to “finally get a job” (as if I wasn’t trying). It was this comforting feeling that no matter what, it was inevitable that I was gonna be okay and I was gonna find something soon. I chose to blindly trust my beliefs, the ultimate test that every spiritual and/or religious person has experienced at least once in their lives.
once I finished my first couple streams, I decided to apply to a job for a work from home position I have wanted for over a year.
when I was little, my mom and I decided that lady bugs were going to be our good luck symbol. whenever we see lady bugs, which we don’t see all that often here, we always took it as a sign of good things coming our way. as I grew older, I’ve found this to be a genuine good luck indicator in my life.
two days ago, I was walking into my kitchen when I noticed a strange spec on the wall. thinking a spider had got in, I went to examine it. upon closer look, I was extremely taken aback to realize it was a ladybug… in the middle of October.
I stared at her, smiled softly, and then I thanked her. because right then I knew.
I woke up today to find out I am now an affiliate for twitch only two weeks into my streaming career. Additionally, I found out I got the job I wanted. I caught up with my childhood best friend and made a video with her.
My heart feels like it could burst. My community is full of such wonderful and beautiful people. I am so blessed. I am so lucky to be alive. I am so deeply proud of myself. I can’t wait to become who little Venus has always wanted me to be. I don’t have the right words to describe the love I feel for my guides in this moment, but I am eternally grateful to be given these experiences. I hope this works out for me.
11:11 on the clock. :)
- venus.