fuuuuck i just realized that the future idealized version of myself cant exist without current me being the catalyst for change and doing hard things. has anybody heard about this

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@diariesofvenus
fuuuuck i just realized that the future idealized version of myself cant exist without current me being the catalyst for change and doing hard things. has anybody heard about this
Who's excited for Yule?
Anaïs Nin, from diary entry featured in A Journal of Love; The Unexpurgated Diary of Anais Nin
so so me
autumn evenings ⋇ 19 oct
the farm in autumn, 1977
ladybug on the wall.
since my last update, I feel like my life has changed really quickly and really suddenly. but don’t worry, not in a bad way WHATSOEVER. for once, im actually gonna be discussing spirituality like I planned to do in this blog way way back when I first made it before my health went to poopoo, so I hope you enjoy a more spiritual-based life update! :’)
before I continue, this isn’t a health update at all because…strangely enough… nothing has really happened to me health wise. I had the mildest flare up when I was sick after twitchcon (which always happens when I get fevers) but that is pretty normal for me. combined with being unemployed for months, I literally have no choice but to rest and lay around all day, which is what I physically crave constantly. because of this, my body has felt the best it’s felt in years, which is crazy to even admit. but that’s not the focus of this update, so let’s move on ;)
the last time I wrote here, I was about to go on my trip to san diego for twitchcon 2024. I was sooo nervous to go on this trip, as I shared, but simultaneously maintaining a very optimistic mindset about it all. Incase you didn’t catch the update, my nerves were stemming mostly from the fact I’d be traveling entirely alone for the first time ever, which scared me immensely. in addition to that, I had only $50 to spend practically for transportation AND food (which…really didn’t get me anything dude). just to add fuel to the fire, I had no idea what to expect. i had never been to twitchcon before and I barely streamed during that time, so the whole thing felt so bizarre and strange to me. despite that, something really deep in my bones told me that this trip was going to mean more to me than I could comprehend in that moment.. and i wanna talk about that for a moment.
my connection with my spirit guides, as i like to call them, is so valuable to me. for context, I don’t really follow a religion or specific spiritual belief system. I have always just labeled myself as pagan, agnostic, or just simply spiritual because labels don’t always do me any justice, it seems. but I’ve always loved the concept of spirit guides. the idea of little “angels” or energetic beings surrounding you at all times and guiding you through your most pivotal and foundational life moments has always brought me comfort during the darkest times of my life. I don’t view them as human, nor do I see them as beings with wings that know my entire future and have all the answers to my problems. rather, I feel like they are energetic beings that have a purpose to sort of just sit there and… observe. they watch you live your life and make your decisions with free will, not predetermined or anything like some religious people believe, and they find ways to guide you through your intuition and your feelings to help you make decisions for your highest good. I like to think that they are the most evolved souls that are assigned to humans that still have some work to do. it’s like my own personal helpline, someone I can lean on when I feel like I can’t trust my own decisions or conclusions. the more I’ve practiced communicating with them, the more impressed I become with the results. for example, I unfortunately experienced spiritual psychosis a couple years ago due to some mental health issues. because of this, I started to doubt my relationship with my guides and could no longer decipher the real messages from the ones my ocd or my psychosis were creating out of nothing. because of this, I made a promise to myself that I cannot accept a message from the universe if it’s too simple and too easy to replicate. if it’s something I can experience more than once in my lifetime, it’s not a real message. it’s not real guidance. this rule has made my communications and intuition so much stronger with my guides since then, and I highly recommend any other spiritual people with similar beliefs as me practice implementing this into their own spiritual routine for their own mental peace.
so… what does this have to do with twitchcon, you may ask? spoiler alert, that intuitive feeling I felt about this trip was right. I can’t even begin to tell you how special life has become since the day that trip up until the very moment I am typing this post.
one last backstory piece before I get into the meat of this update, but I promise it’s crucial. growing up, I was certain I was going to be an entertainer of some kind. I didn’t know if that meant I’d be a singer, actress, or what— but I knew I’d be something. this was incredibly evident in the countless home videos my family has of me singing and dancing in front of a crowd of family members, performing for school events, and never shying away from a camera. it wasn’t until I discovered YouTube at the ripe age of 5 years old that I realized that’s what I was destined to do. as soon as I was given my own camera at 8 years old, the video making began. it started as videos on my Nintendo 3DS, then it slowly gravitated toward shitty flip phone cameras and cameras that could barely record 3 minute videos. as time went on, I was gifted a MacBook Air from a family friend, and I learned about the magic of screen recording Animal Jam. from that point forward, the rest was history. to this day, some of these videos stay private on an old YouTube account for absolutely nobody to come across. despite this, I have always known from the depths of my soul that I am going to be a video content creator. when ever I speak to old friends from elementary or middle school, they always tell me they knew id end up doing it one day. when I got to this silly twitchcon convention, barely any streaming experience under my belt, I still felt like something was going to change within me. and it did.
for starters, I met some amazing and incredible people just like me. I know this is going to sound ridiculous and cliche, but I truly don’t feel understood or seen unless im around people who do partake in any form of content creation such as streaming, editing, or youtube videos. I know this is going to sound parasocial and ridiculous, but even when I was talking to some youtubers and streamers I’ve looked up to and idolized creatively, I felt like I was hanging out with friends and catching up. the conversations flowed so playfully and genuinely. it was such a bizarre feeling to be somewhere so far from home whilst completely by myself yet simultaneously feel like id found where I belonged. it was such a ridiculously powerful feeling to have in that moment, and it immediately made me spiral into this massive self revelation that made me completely rethink my future and my entire purpose.
what’s stopping me from pursuing my dream?
why haven’t I done this yet?
why not?
it all hit me like a train on the flight back home. the moment I was back in my bedroom, I went right to my computer and started setting up all of my content creation stuff immediately. I couldn’t believe I had wasted all this time believing this was just a silly dream when I could simply just…. do it. I mean… what’s stopping me? every single content creator on planet earth starts out just like this, someone with a dream. if I feel it in my soul that this is my calling and my purpose, why am I pushing it away? why am I ignoring that part of me so deeply?
so… I started. I began to stream for many hours a day starting on the first of October. it started off slow, as expected, but strangely started to pick up really quickly for a first time streamer. I was not even a week in and noticed I was halfway to the affiliate goal on Twitch. I started networking and meeting amazing and talented people who I have such a privilege of just being associated with, let alone FRIENDS with. I’ve been the happiest I’ve been in so long in just this month, let alone in just the past couple years. In a very short period of time, I began to really familiarize myself with the streaming lifestyle.
another factor that really motivated me to go down this path was the fact I’ve been unemployed since August. now, this is another one of those moments where I really needed to trust my intuition and my guides even when the signs felt unreal or impossible. when I quit my job back in August, it was abrupt and impulsive, as per usual with me. I was craving so desperately to get away from there to the point where it overpowered my logical thinking and caused me to quit without notice, something I would never have done a year ago. but, and I know you’re not gonna believe me when I say this, it was another one of those moments where I felt in the depths of my soul that this was what I must do. so, I trusted it. I surrendered to the absolute unknown and trusted that the universe had something better in store for me. but as the weeks went by and I was denied job after job, I started to believe that I had misjudged my own intuition and made a horrible mistake. when I began to run out of money to the point where I had no money for food and began losing weight due to the fact I didn’t have enough to eat, I started to feel immense dread and doubt. strangely enough, I still felt this even stronger part of me that knew it was going to be okay. it felt like a blanket of warmth that would wrap around me when my mind would spiral every single time. it would embrace me like a warm hug every time someone would ask me when I was going to “finally get a job” (as if I wasn’t trying). It was this comforting feeling that no matter what, it was inevitable that I was gonna be okay and I was gonna find something soon. I chose to blindly trust my beliefs, the ultimate test that every spiritual and/or religious person has experienced at least once in their lives.
once I finished my first couple streams, I decided to apply to a job for a work from home position I have wanted for over a year.
when I was little, my mom and I decided that lady bugs were going to be our good luck symbol. whenever we see lady bugs, which we don’t see all that often here, we always took it as a sign of good things coming our way. as I grew older, I’ve found this to be a genuine good luck indicator in my life.
two days ago, I was walking into my kitchen when I noticed a strange spec on the wall. thinking a spider had got in, I went to examine it. upon closer look, I was extremely taken aback to realize it was a ladybug… in the middle of October.
I stared at her, smiled softly, and then I thanked her. because right then I knew.
I woke up today to find out I am now an affiliate for twitch only two weeks into my streaming career. Additionally, I found out I got the job I wanted. I caught up with my childhood best friend and made a video with her.
My heart feels like it could burst. My community is full of such wonderful and beautiful people. I am so blessed. I am so lucky to be alive. I am so deeply proud of myself. I can’t wait to become who little Venus has always wanted me to be. I don’t have the right words to describe the love I feel for my guides in this moment, but I am eternally grateful to be given these experiences. I hope this works out for me.
11:11 on the clock. :)
- venus.
there’s a constellation that i love and hold very dear to my heart. the storytelling around her and the passage of time has shaped her beauty into strong and commanding ideas of identity and sisterhood, kinship and destiny. i learned about her at a point of change in my life- and she likes to reappear in my story when i need a reminder that i can be everything i love.
today was a depressing one, but on a whim i walked out of my friends’ house at 3am to look at the stars. i’ve never seen this constellation with my bare eyes before- it’s small. hard to see when there’s light pollution. but i looked directly overhead at such an extreme angle that i felt i was craning my neck to peer into the universe herself. seven sisters were staring directly back at me, into me. through me, they stared into my soul. they saw too much. we’re so small down here. i cried
e
i think i’ll remember this moment forever
from the sand beneath my feet— blistering light of the full moon in our hair buzzy drinks loud smiles and not a single thing to worry about outside of That Moment— to soft warm manufactured stones, infinitely closer to the same people, something universally interconnected between us becoming home. looking up at the same sky two years apart seeing something beyond all of us thinking “i have never felt more alive than in this moment” embedding the view of (heaven/the heavens) in my heart and in my soul forever. the bonds crack but maybe they will be repaired with loving touches of gold
all soft hands and shoulders and hazy smiles and an “i think i only exist in this moment. this version of us lives in my mind in these few hours right here- there’s a start and an end and i’ll hold onto its light tenderly” as the sun inevitably streams in and we stop looking at each other open our eyes and instead begin to see each other
can you see the moon and the stars there
e
𝔞𝔲𝔱𝔲𝔪𝔫 𝔞𝔠𝔞𝔡𝔢𝔪𝔦𝔞
I am such an Autumn person. Give me a quiet, cozy spot with a view of the changing trees on a crisp, late September day with a warm drink and a good book and I will be in all my glory.
an overdue update
I haven’t said much on here in a long, long time. most of the reason why just has to do with my life sorta turning upside down outside of my health, and I haven’t really had to energy to come on here and yap like I usually do … but here I am!
first off, health wise, I’ve been doing okay. no weird spontaneous hospital visits or anything. I started a medication that makes me forget simple words and makes me very clumsy (good ol’ topamax), but other than that, I’m feeling pretty normal. but my job’s HR department was giving me a lot of weird and unnecessary pushback regarding my absence due to my hospitalization, despite having more than enough medical documentation to prove I needed to take time off to recover from a whole ass SPINAL PROCEDURE. On top of that, my coworkers were giving me shade regarding me missing work and were even blaming me for THEIR mistakes, causing me to get written up for something stupid. anyways… I quit that hoe! there were other unrelated reasons why to make me decide to do so, but I quit without a 2 week notice and even surprised myself doing so. it was scary but extremely necessary. the only downside is, I didn’t qualify for unemployment because my reasoning apparently wasn’t good enough, so I’ve been broker than ever before and praying to get a job ASAP. I’ll be at twitch con walking around like a freak with a nearly maxed out credit card and a mfin dream.
I guess I want to use this as a diary of sorts to just briefly share something that’s heavily on my mind, considering no one in my personal life knows about this blog and I sorta have free will to discuss anything I want. I started dating someone who I was really good friends with in highschool, but the downside is, he lives 2,000 miles away now (moved away during the pandemic.) the worst part is, he flew me out with his own money to see him, and I was so so so excited, but as soon as I got there I was hit with the worst bout of anxiety I’ve had since I was 14 years old and an intense flare up due to the heat of the state he lived in. I was meant to be there for 10 days and only stayed for 2 before I needed to leave early. the guilt has been eating away at me so badly since I left. I couldn’t even bond with him romantically because I was curled up in the fetal position trying to not projectile vomit all over the place. I have never been so sick and so panicked like that. It was bizarre to be 21 years old sobbing on the bathroom floor of a hotel room wanting my mom again. just writing about it makes me tear up. It was terrifying and, as much as I want to be proud of myself for doing what was best for my mental/physical health and prioritizing my needs, I can’t help but replay the look on his face over and over in my head when I told him I needed to go home. he was so sad, and I feel so terrible for doing that to him. I wish I could have powered through it but I was genuinely in a state of panic the entire time I was there… I’ve never experienced anything like that before. we ultimately decided we were best not committing to a serious relationship due to my inability to travel so far from home without feeling so sick (which is making me terrified to go to San Diego next week, you have no idea…), but also due to us having no plans to move from our homes to be with the other person. it felt like I had to let go of someone who was everything I wanted over something so stupid. I’ve just been moping in my room, bed rotting and worrying about my future like an anxiety ridden freak. I just want to be brave :/
on a more positive note, I’m waiting to hear back from two separate employers regarding 2 jobs I was interviewed for the other day. I’m pretty much desperate at this point for a job, and I have a rent payment approaching that I genuinely have no money for. I’m hoping the universe has my back for the rest of this month, because I’ve never been so afraid and so scared of my own future like this before. all my brain can do is worry, worry, worry.
I hope that my trip to San Diego next week will be something positive and relaxing rather than something negative and nerve wracking. On the bright side, it will be my first time ever flying first class (which seemed like an amazing investment back in April when I had the money to get the tickets, now it seems like a waste of money. it’s funny how to world humbles you sometimes) and also my first time traveling 100% alone. I think having my own space and independence will make it wayyyyy less scary and nerve wracking. I’ll only be one state away from home, which helps with the homesickness. in addition to that, my cousin is gonna be there (even though we are traveling separately and sleeping in different hotels) so I have a lifeline as needed in case of any emergencies that may arise. I am trying very hard to affirm to myself that this trip will be FUN, nothing like the way the other trip went. my good friend is going to be working at twitchcon, so it’s not like I’ll be entirely alone. there will be creators I’m mutuals with as well as creators I watch that I can finally meet, which will definitely be lots of fun and hopefully will make me feel more confident about my spontaneous decision to travel. if for any reason someone reading this is gonna be there…. I’ll need some moral support, that’s for damn sure. but otherwise… I’ll at least be near the beach :).
last but not least, I chopped all my hair off about two hours ago. it’s above my shoulders now… which I haven’t done since 2020. it feels so strange… but I’m a free bitch now!!!
sorry for the scattered update, I didn’t expect to get so personal on here… but it felt nice to get off my chest and into the void. I hope anyone reading this is having an amazing day and I am sending you all my love :)
wishing you a safe return back to yourself
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