#diary entry.

[euthanizeher]

for a while i was always incredibly confused about if i truly wanted to get into non dualism. big reason for this was because of the conversation about desires.

alot of blogs would tell us time and time again that nd isn't about manifesting, it isn't about trying to get your desires the way loa tells us that we have to enter SATS or the void state.

but i fully understand now. in non dualism there aren't any "desires" or "fears" because you, self, are everything. if you want to, let's say, get your desired face? there's nothing to get, nothing to work for.

one day self decides it wants to be a billionaire - so it happens. really, it's just that simple. i can't believe it took me so long to understand. another example, as you're going to bed you think "hmmm, it might be fun to shift to k-on." then you decide that's where you really wanna go and the next morning - or hell, instantly you're there.

there is no desiring or wanting, only experiencing.

your ego thinks it's impossible, because egos can't comprehend how powerful self is - and that's ok! they don't need to understand!! just accept!!!

as always apologies for my english and the clarity of my posts :-( i try.

[langleyfallsvirginia]

5/31/26

Realization: This is self care. I’ve built it into my routine because it’s self care. Just like I shower or brush my teeth this is just another way that I take care of myself.

[ambsbecoming]

day six.

ugh. I hate chemo days, and I hate this stupid pump I have to wear for the next 2 days. and to top it all off I got a flat tire so I had to be at the mechanics for like 3 hours right after chemo instead of getting to go home and sleep. i'm so hungry and nauseous and my legs are all weak and tingly again and I just hate all of this so much, and I still have 5 more rounds to go.

today's photo is the screw that ruined my entire day. fuck you, screw.

[ambsbecoming]

day three.

it's supposed to take 7 days to form a habit, right? so that means I am halfway to solidifying this routine! I was worried about today since it's the weekend and I tend to give up entirely on the weekend, but I didn't even feel the urge to. got up at the same time (3am, and then 7:30am 🙄) filled in the morning portion of my gratitude journal/planner, and made my tea and breakfast (shocker, cheesy eggs), and went on my walk as usual. it was a little cooler today then it has been all week so I walked a little longer, then I went home and checked my phone for the first time. I'm not super popular so there wasn't much to check lol! after that I put down the phone and grabbed one of the magazines I picked up yesterday, and actually really flipped through, read the articles I was interested in, and even jotted down a recipe in my everything notebook to try later- which i ended up doing later in the day!

we had a lot of out of the house things to do today so not much housework got done besides maintaining everything I'd done during the week. first we had brunch with my sister's dad, which was weird but fine, then we went shopping for salad ingredients, did some thrifting, and hit the mall to use up some bath and body works coupons.

I forgot to bring my camera thrifting unfortunately, but I really like the pieces I found! I'm going to be doing a mega cleanse and revamp of my wardrobe next week ( in theory, it's a chemo week so energy will be in the negatives, but I'll have my sister to help do the physical stuff, I just have to decide to toss, keep, or donate. we shall see) and I'm trying to focus on things that are comfy and fit well with my various medical apparatus, but also fit my style. I really want to steer away from the sweatpants and graphic tee of it all, you know?

I could have called it a night after getting home from the mall, but I really wanted to make this salad for the fish fry we're going to tomorrow, so i threw that together, it was super simple but a ton of chopping lol, and I might have to double the dressing if it's not flavorful enough after sitting and absorbing all night, but I'm really happy with the results! it's just a spring veggie salad, and the dressing is so basic, but it's exactly what I've been craving but incapable of eating thanks to my stoma. avoiding fiber has been killer but we ball regardless!

tomorrow nothing is on the schedule besides the fish fry dinner, so I'm just gonna kind of freeball it and see what happens, depending on how I feel after my morning routine. at the very least I need to reset my chemo bag, and wash my chemo week clothes or I'll just be miserable, more so than usual. in a perfect world I'll also get my laundry done, that way it's all ready to sort through.

right now I'm working my cleaning/driving/cooking playlist, and I still have my brain games to do and either a nice low contrast movie to settle down with, or maybe some Bob's burgers if nothing sounds good. though now that I sit with it, the idea of staying up the length of an entire movie sounds so difficult, so maybe instead I'll just do the Bob's episodes... I've seen that show enough times that I won't feel bad if I turn it off halfway through lol!

today's photos, spring veggie salad and brunch matcha and lemonade!

[ambsbecoming]

day one.

a good day. I woke up at 3am which isn't ideal, but I was able to go back to sleep pretty quickly and woke up for real at the much more appropriate time of 8am. I hate eating breakfast so much, but I made myself just a little plate of cheesy eggs just to get something in me, along with the first of MANY lemon teas, and I really think that helped set the tone for the rest of the day. I went on a walk after I ate, I left my phone at home and instead brought along one of the books ive been meaning to read, little weirds by jenny slate. it was very 2010s-coded of me honestly, but I kind of loved it anyways. I find walking so boring (or stressful, if I bring my lazy old dog) usually, but I was able to lap my neighborhood without wanting to quit halfway through! tomorrow I'm going to bring my digi cam instead, since something i really want to work on is documenting my life. I've seen people do cute little color hunts, and since it's spring in arizona everything is finally not just brown, so i might try that, if not tomorrow then next week.

when I got back from my walk I made lemon tea number 2 and got to work on the kitchen, which has been a huge point of anxiety for me lately. it got so messy and cluttered up while I was in the hospital in the winter, and I haven't been well enough to tackle it before now, so it was quite the challenge, and I didn't quite finish, but I made a huge dent. mainly with organizing my spices, and rearranging things like the breakfast corner and just giving everything a good wipe down.

I celebrated my progress by getting fresh flowers from trader joes, I love flowers and I especially love arranging them so it's a good motivator for me that isn't expensive, or potentially unhealthy like a sweet treat would be.

Lunch was pretty light since I didn't want to slow my momentum, I just had some carrots with the trader joes chicken bacon ranch dip (I swear I'm not a trader joes pusher, I just love their stuff 😭), some cantaloupe, and a few Cadbury mini eggs for dessert.

after I ate i knew I needed to take a real break though, lest I burn myself out. I've been struggling with balancing rest time lately but I need to rest a lot more as chemo progresses, so I try to make sure my 'busy time' isn't any more then a couple hours at a time. I played a couple day's worth of stardew valley and watched some tv for about an hour, and then I got back to working around the house- laundry, tossing the trash, and prepping dinner. I'm still not up to fully homemade meals, so tonight we just had some cheese ravioli and chicken meatballs from the package, along with crescent rolls, but the sauce at least was homemade!

after dinner I just wound down with some journaling and youtube, and after I post this I'll do my skincare, meds, and my brain games before conking out. overall I think today was very indicative of what I can get done without having to grind and push and suffer through it, and I'm hopeful that I will be able to keep this sort of daily routine going in the long term. I feel very human right now, and that's something that has been severely lacking ever since my hospitalization last year.

today's photos, my trader joes flowers and tonight's dinner!

[ambsbecoming]

I took a walk this morning. I ignored my phone and ate my breakfast (eggs with cheese and some lemon tea) and just went. it was one of those walks pulled from a millennial's dream- no phone, just me (clad in neon orange converse and a just obscure enough concert tee) and a book that, were I a man, would have been the perfect size and floppiness to roll and then stuff into a pocket. and it was a lovely time! it was early enough that the sun wasn't trying to turn me into jerky, but late enough that I missed all the old people who's dogs love to jump on people and who's poop they never pick up, and there was a slight breeze, and it turns out, if you go outside in the morning you actually can hear all those birds that the internet thinks have disappeared. turns out they're just hard to hear when you've got headphones blasting. the neighbor's evergreen bushes still have christmas ornaments on them, and some were shattered on the sidewalk, and that made me smile. tomorrow instead of the book I think I'll bring my camera.

[ambsbecoming]

Day One.

well, not really day one, more like the prequel? whatever. spring is here and with her, my need to get my life back together and wash the gloom of winter off of everything. it's a little harder this year because I've got the added stress of a shiny new cancer diagnosis, but we ball regardless!

this year's reset i want to focus more on mental health and lifestyle changes, and not so much on physical health, since I kind of already have no choice but to work on that!

things I did today to make tomorrow easier:

meal planned the entire day- I have learned that meal planning days in advance simply does not work for me, but I like meal planning a lot, so it's not a big issue to just make it a daily task, and I'm much more likely to stick to said meal plan when I do it this way.

worked on figuring out a bedtime routine for myself. if left to my own devices I will stay up all night, and one of my main chemo symptoms is pretty severe insomnia, so I really want to optimize sleep as much as possible, so I can stop sleeping half the day away. I will be limiting screen time, focusing on low stress content to wind down with (comfort shows like Bob's burgers or regular show, this really nice minimalist brain game app i found recently, lifestyle youtube vlogs, etc). I want to stop relying on my sleeping pills so much so I'm going to start spacing them out so I take them less frequently. I also threw together a bare bones skincare routine- which isn't an area of concern for me but I just feel better with a clean face, you know?

purged The Apps- tiktok and Twitter just had to go. for every post that makes me happy there are always 300 following posts that just wreck my mood, and it's so hard to build a good mood back up again. I was keeping them around for the social aspect, but since my diagnosis my social circle has vanished, and thus, there's not much to keep in contact with anyways!

started this tumblr- because I do love social media and talking with people, and I've always loved this community!

that's pretty much all for now, I have a bad habit of biting off more than I can chew and getting burn out, so I'm going more for a baby steps approach, see? just adding little habits and things to not only make my life easier, but to make it more enjoyable. there are so many things already doing their best to drag me down, so building a good foundation of routine and little joys is key to not getting pulled under! 🩷💜

today's photo is my darling chemo buddy, Peter!

[cobaincanuhearme]

coffee, sc & emw.