#diary time

[imperfectlyradiantlyspiraling]

Im spending like 20 minutes warming up and vocal practicing for this recording this morning.....because I really wanna show you all some of the progress. idk if youre gonna get to see the full transformation....but im feeling it....

[crucibl3]

just so you know im a freak and i am wrong about everything and i set me free

i need to say some things

i wish i had someone who i could ask if my behavior was positive. i wish someone would not be afraid of me. i wish there was someone who meant what they said. whose eyes smiled along with their mouth when they looked at me. i wish i was mature. i wish i didnt want or need anything. i wish i understood what they meant.

i wish i knew what love is. I wish i knew what strength looked like. I wish i would watch someone and learn how to love myself and love life from them.

I wish there was someone i could connect to. I wish i knew how to stop being a piece of shit. I wish i could shut up. I am overflowing withstupidity. I wish I could touch someone without feeling sadness and shame and loneliness.

[knowledgetosorrow]

..

.....

This was after we had broken up as I was trying to move out. It started with my jar of coins. My ex went into the jar, emptied it, counted what was there, kept the coins, then told me about it, handing me cash for the amount he took. I asked him to please not do that, and he started questioning and berating me about how I was being irrational. "What's wrong with that? What does it matter to you?" That kind of thing. My son, who was in the room at the time, got up and left because of the tension. I gestured to my ex like, "see? now he's upset" or whatever, and shortly after that, my ex left to run an errand. During his errand, I received the above texts.

I wasn't blowing up, I wasn't raising my voice, I wasn't saying anything inflammatory. But I had an issue with him taking my coins, and I expressed it, which was "being melodramatic in a normal tone of voice." And that was a problem for him. Disagreement is "generating hostility."

Also lol kids are capable of experiencing reality and forming their own perceptions and conclusions. Especially 9+ year olds. I wasn't "reality shaping" or gaslighting my son by calmly telling this man not to go into my coin jar without asking first lmao

He sent this later that same day:

And this the next day:

Normal! Lol! Why would I possibly be enthusiastic about leaving? Women are sooooooo crazy.

[wikipedie]

Thank God for Tumblr I can be as stupid as possible and it's not an Issue. I couldn't be as stupid and tipsy and 🥰 on Instagram or god forbid Facebook. I love you Tumblr for existing and letting me be stupid tipsy, kinda like a diary. So freeing. I can say whatever.

Fuck.

*giggles* I'm kidding. It's no biggie if I say fuck. I love you. The world is fucked, but I'll love it anyways.

Does anyone want to hold my hand? Or a hug? I'm always affectionate when tipsy, but I have none of my friends near me to be affectionately tipsy with.

[dykecadence]

genuinely genuinely have never been able to tell when people are looking at me with Intent in my entire undiagnosed autistic life until i started working a register and now random dudes will give me these looks when we're forced to maintain awkward eye contact as a receipt prints and im like "oh theyre looking at me sexually" it has straight up never clicked once until now but i just feel like i can see it in their eyes customer service has given me the tools to understand a few incredibly basic social cues

[veryimportantsparkles]

Leaf Green Part 8: Descent into Postgame

So after beating FRLG, if you want to transfer in or out of Pokemon Box (y’know, the Gamecube game) you have to do the Sevii Islands postgame stuff.  And so I did, it’s like two short dungeons.  This also causes one of the three legendary dogs to start roaming.  Because I started with Charmander, I got Suicune.  I cheesed it a little with Max Repels to make the process go faster.  I also caught all the legendary birds, and Mewtwo.  There’s another unique Pokemon you can get from postgame; if you sail out to a little island an NPC will give you a Togepi egg.

In postgame Sevii Islands you have access to a breeding daycare, but I haven’t used it yet.  I actually don’t need to, because I specifically want Charmander and Charmeleon for my Fire Red’s living Pokedex, not my Leaf Green playthrough that will get deleted when I’m done with it.  And in any case, I still haven’t completed the ‘necessary’ (yeah I know) character growth for Eliza and Konstantin to willingly (YEAH, I KNOW) start making eggs.

You know that cliche high school plot where the teacher makes students take care of an egg or a bag of flour, as sort of a practice baby?  We’re doing that.

I made them take care of the Togepi egg.  Neither Eliza nor Konstantin are allowed to leave the party until the egg is hatched and evolved.  Hatching was easy, since I was running around catching legendaries anyway.  Out popped a standard issue Togepi.  Her name is Pietrina and she has a Relaxed nature.

Evolving is a different challenge.  Friendship evolutions are kind of annoying in FRLG.  There’s only one grooming npc (as opposed to the two in GSC), and friendship-raising berries only exist from Emerald and onward.  But, did you remember that FRLG has no internal clock?  Instead of grooming a Pokemon once daily, Daisy will groom your Pokemon every 512 steps.  So I just cheesed that out by running around Pallet Town a lot.

Imagine Eliza and Konstantin, forced to run around the world without dropping an egg.  And then, they’re forced to run around Pallet Town with this baby.  Eventually I got her friendship up to the right range, then took her out to get a few levels up.

It was Konstantin’s idea to take her to Cerulean Cave.  The encounters there are high level, sure, but he also has a weird fixation with the place.  In this life, he was caught in Lavender Tower.  In FRLG you can’t even find Cubone/Marowak in Cerulean Cave.  But in his hazy, deleted past this was his home.  He wants it to be a special, symbolic place.  So we put an Exp. Share on Pietrina and walked around a little with Konstantin at the front of the party.  A few levels later, we have a lovely Togetic.

Friendship evolutions feel like they take forever, but in the inconsistent ‘time’ of a Pokemon playthrough, it’s not really enough time to grow up.  I’ve kept Pietrina’s design as being very young, but she’s not an actual baby anymore.  She’s thoroughly out of the egg stage.  Eliza and Konstantin have readily accepted her as their own, and I’m hoping they’ll be interested in hatching a couple more eggs soon...

[archidendron]

first snow of the year today ^_^

[kaiayame]

i’m exhausted, and don’t reblog this but, i got to go back to my college campus and look so cute the whole time and see a bunch of old favorite places and reminisce and catch up with friends and people i love who i haven’t seen in forever, and got to get a little drunk but, listen - i was so responsible about my limits and didn’t feel a NEED to drink, which I was proud of in and of itself - and got to very unexpectedly get mega full on kissed (KISSED, you guys! i still can’t believe it) a whole bunch by a boy i’ve always wanted to be kissed by, and then spent the night sleeping in a king sized bed with one of my bffs and laugh my head off till 4am with her and everything was so good. i carried myself so well throughout the whole weekend, even during some low points, and i just realized how far i’ve come as a person in all these little ways, in how much I was able to make people laugh and really listen to them and be witty and look good and carry on these great conversations and not be anxious or quiet or insecure. I just was myself and sensitive to my own needs and wants and followed my heart and had such a genuinely good time. 

and i’m sorry again but like, i haven’t had a real kiss in forever! let alone a make out! it was just so nice!!!! it was so natural and flirty and like... i’ve just come such a long way with how i speak to people and socialize and handle those kinds of situations. like, i wasn’t nervous talking to him at all. i was so easily bold. after talking about a bunch of other things, i just straight up was like ‘i used to have a crush on you in college’, not expecting anything to come of it, i was just saying it. and then he said ‘yeah i had a crush on you too’ ???? but ok like, i dated and was in love with his best friend and after we broke up, he didn’t want to cause any drama. idk idk idk, whatever. he could’ve been lying about that but idc because then, before i knew it, he was leaning in !!!! and we were kissing! and making out! his lips were on my lips! ahh!

i probably won’t see him again forever but... someone KISSED ME. someone i wanted to be kissed by KISSED ME A LOT ajdkla;fj;kldajkld;afldajfljda;f !!!!

and like yeah, technically the bff i chose to leave with and go platonically crash on the king bed with instead of fully hooking up with this boy was the original ex that i referred to in the part about the boy not wanting to cause drama back in senior year but it was still all the right decisions to leave with her because i wouldn’t trade the night we had of talking and laughing in a comfy hotel bed for anything and it was exactly what i needed at the time, so.