#diary time

[floodedvanes]

i thought it’d be a very good idea to have therapy on mondays bc it’s my day off n then it didn’t occur to me that mondays are also the days my mum and i have our weekly call so i have an hour of therapy which is equivalent to being shot 5 times at the moment bc of all the Content and then i go home bc i don’t want to be outside afterwards so i wander around my house aimlessly feeling so out of it and cry multiple times when my housemate isn’t home and then i have to call my mother which is also kinda like being shot after you’ve had therapy centred around your cptsd so my monday routine now is : therapy at 9 am . 10 am feel like my brain is in cement . ponder my own morality and if good exists in me and if i deserve love . 11 am feel kinda better . journal until i feel a bit too sad to do it anymore 12 pm everything is so gone and im off for the entire day and wander around my house like a ghost . 5 pm thoroughly clean the entire house top to bottom maybe a little too much . 8 pm call mother . Bbbbzzzzzzzz and then go to work next day. my notes app is going to witness hell on mondays . all on one of my only two days off on gods green earth . i should change my schedule .

[patchworkpack]

literally who fucking told you guys this was How It Will Be when we are alone. NO BITCH WHO, HUH? ME. I DID.

okay we dont need to be shouting about it though .?

[imperfectlyradiantlyspiraling]

Im spending like 20 minutes warming up and vocal practicing for this recording this morning.....because I really wanna show you all some of the progress. idk if youre gonna get to see the full transformation....but im feeling it....

[the-mighty-boof]

Today I drank cucumber water. It tasted like water but more. Ate the cucumber and left half the water.

[crucibl3]

just so you know im a freak and i am wrong about everything and i set me free

i need to say some things

i wish i had someone who i could ask if my behavior was positive. i wish someone would not be afraid of me. i wish there was someone who meant what they said. whose eyes smiled along with their mouth when they looked at me. i wish i was mature. i wish i didnt want or need anything. i wish i understood what they meant.

i wish i knew what love is. I wish i knew what strength looked like. I wish i would watch someone and learn how to love myself and love life from them.

I wish there was someone i could connect to. I wish i knew how to stop being a piece of shit. I wish i could shut up. I am overflowing withstupidity. I wish I could touch someone without feeling sadness and shame and loneliness.

[celesvatal]

I’m gonna start diary style writing my thoughts here because for some reason even showing anyone a tumblr dash confuses them (if your not on here like that)

-but

for reasons I won’t detail a lot I got sick and had to have sugary (it was to remove sludge in me they said it was like grit in my organs)

anyways I was near to death and some how out there on the edge I felt so comfortable and understood.

As if this extreme sense of the possibility of seeing the flower wilt was worth just as much as seeing the long preparation for its bloom

Longevity has always been a hard concept for me to grasp because my heart is always beating in the moment

Like some how it’s breaking from the passing of the moments but is renewed by the endless possibilities

Before I had surgery I never saw the shield around my heart as fear

I never knew a defense could be too good.

Too the point that your castle walls are the warmest thing to touch

I do have people in my heart, friends who are family and family who are friends

But I’ve always been scared to have someone, anyone be able to reach me to the core

Especially in love. Because for it to work they have to have access to the room behind the throne room.

My own personal parlor with my trinkets and loves of the world

Astonishing to my friends

Embarrassing to show a stranger

But as I was there on that table knowing that my brush with death was with water color and not acrylic

And that I’ll be back and still have time to fix the sketch before a final paint on my life

I thought to myself maybe it is worth to see the pain and the suffering of my castle burn.

A place that once made me feel safe is now a tomb of ideals of love

But I was a girl then and now I am a woman trapped by her own design

And yet some how, tearing this tower in a blaze sounds like the most reasonable decision.

I want to destroy the fear. And I want someone to see me emerged from soot and ash and gaze upon my flesh as if it was gold that not matter how layered with other things on top someone would take as long and as carful as needed to make sure they’re golden women was truly cared for and shined.

I want to feel

An ocean’s breeze

And glisten in the light

So yeah I’m gonna try dating again hopefully it goes better than before but I’ve been single for a while and this whole surgery thing has reminded me to LOVE NOW and regret later

Sigh also yes I’ve been listing to old paramore what about to TwT

[knowledgetosorrow]

..

.....

This was after we had broken up as I was trying to move out. It started with my jar of coins. My ex went into the jar, emptied it, counted what was there, kept the coins, then told me about it, handing me cash for the amount he took. I asked him to please not do that, and he started questioning and berating me about how I was being irrational. "What's wrong with that? What does it matter to you?" That kind of thing. My son, who was in the room at the time, got up and left because of the tension. I gestured to my ex like, "see? now he's upset" or whatever, and shortly after that, my ex left to run an errand. During his errand, I received the above texts.

I wasn't blowing up, I wasn't raising my voice, I wasn't saying anything inflammatory. But I had an issue with him taking my coins, and I expressed it, which was "being melodramatic in a normal tone of voice." And that was a problem for him. Disagreement is "generating hostility."

Also lol kids are capable of experiencing reality and forming their own perceptions and conclusions. Especially 9+ year olds. I wasn't "reality shaping" or gaslighting my son by calmly telling this man not to go into my coin jar without asking first lmao

He sent this later that same day:

And this the next day:

Normal! Lol! Why would I possibly be enthusiastic about leaving? Women are sooooooo crazy.

[diary-time]

dear diary

it’s official. my mother hates me. as does the rest of her family. i would cut ties completely with her but i have a sister that still lives with her. i’m already not present enough in her life. i miss her. but the only times i would see her is with my mum. and i can’t stand that woman. what to do…