I’m gonna start diary style writing my thoughts here because for some reason even showing anyone a tumblr dash confuses them (if your not on here like that)
-but
for reasons I won’t detail a lot I got sick and had to have sugary (it was to remove sludge in me they said it was like grit in my organs)
anyways I was near to death and some how out there on the edge I felt so comfortable and understood.
As if this extreme sense of the possibility of seeing the flower wilt was worth just as much as seeing the long preparation for its bloom
Longevity has always been a hard concept for me to grasp because my heart is always beating in the moment
Like some how it’s breaking from the passing of the moments but is renewed by the endless possibilities
Before I had surgery I never saw the shield around my heart as fear
I never knew a defense could be too good.
Too the point that your castle walls are the warmest thing to touch
I do have people in my heart, friends who are family and family who are friends
But I’ve always been scared to have someone, anyone be able to reach me to the core
Especially in love. Because for it to work they have to have access to the room behind the throne room.
My own personal parlor with my trinkets and loves of the world
Astonishing to my friends
Embarrassing to show a stranger
But as I was there on that table knowing that my brush with death was with water color and not acrylic
And that I’ll be back and still have time to fix the sketch before a final paint on my life
I thought to myself maybe it is worth to see the pain and the suffering of my castle burn.
A place that once made me feel safe is now a tomb of ideals of love
But I was a girl then and now I am a woman trapped by her own design
And yet some how, tearing this tower in a blaze sounds like the most reasonable decision.
I want to destroy the fear. And I want someone to see me emerged from soot and ash and gaze upon my flesh as if it was gold that not matter how layered with other things on top someone would take as long and as carful as needed to make sure they’re golden women was truly cared for and shined.
I want to feel
An ocean’s breeze
And glisten in the light
So yeah I’m gonna try dating again hopefully it goes better than before but I’ve been single for a while and this whole surgery thing has reminded me to LOVE NOW and regret later
Sigh also yes I’ve been listing to old paramore what about to TwT