#diaryofaschizoid

[diaryofaschizoid]

Cannot fucking wait until this year is over

[diaryofaschizoid]

Summer 2025

[diaryofaschizoid]

Endless fog around here these days. It's finally becoming winter 🖤

[diaryofaschizoid]

SzPD Diagnosis

I first asked my GP if she could refer me to a mental health care provider to look into a possible SzPD diagnosis 2.5 years ago. I was then waitlisted for about a year. After my intake the team immediately decided to disregard my question as they believed they could detect a 'need for social contact' which according to them would imply I could not have SzPD. They thought the existing Autism diagnosis in combination with C-PTSD was more appropriate.

Although I did not agree, a part of me thought, 'maybe they are right, they are experts after all'. After completing my EMDR treatment sessions, my almost non-existent flashbacks, which would occur around once a month or so, did disappear. However, I only felt worse. A part of me hoped for a significant improvement. Instead, I was left disappointed and felt even more depressed and hopeless.

In the past three months we've been tackling a re-evaluation of a possible SzPD diagnosis. A more specialised clinical psychologist in the field of personality disorders looked into my file. He determined that where my psychologists saw a 'need for social contact', he could also interpret the result from a point of view where that wasn't the case.

This finally gave the go-ahead for an official diagnostic process for SzPD. I checked most boxes for the DSM-V classification and then completed a diagnostic interview (the SCID-5). The outcomes indicated Schizoid personality disorder. My directing practitioner then continued to look into the ASD diagnosis and confirmed that most likely, my SzPD had been misdiagnosed as Autism. It will be removed from my record. He also offered an apology in regards to how they wrongly handled the situation.

So after 2.5 years I've finally been officially diagnosed with SzPD. People are happy for me, but nothing's really changed for me. I still feel awful, but at least there is affirmation of how I've been feeling all this time.

[diaryofaschizoid]

Winter 2023

[diaryofaschizoid]

First time I ever got to walk in a snowy forest last year. It was phenomenal. It temporarily lifted my anhedonia and was probably the "happiest" day I've had in a long time.

[diaryofaschizoid]

With the end of the year and the holidays coming up, I've noticed I get quite annoyed when everyone you speak to around this time wishes you 'Happy holidays!!'.

Like no...I won't be happy around these days. It's gonna be so damn draining and overstimulating. I only 'celebrate' the holidays for the sake of other people, but I gain nothing from it at all. I cannot wait for all of this to just be over again...

[diaryofaschizoid]

Diagnostic journey / hell

Got a treatment re-evaluation tomorrow. My directing practitioner was pretty quick to discount and discredit my suspicions of having SzPD last year, and decided to diagnose me with C-PTSD instead.

Having experienced many traumatic events that really fucked me up, I conceded, and basically thought: "You know what, you're the professional, I do have traumas, maybe it is C-PTSD". He then proceeded to say "often we see the personality of a person with C-PTSD emerge after we have completed the trauma treatment", and I really hoped this was true...

A year has passed now. I have completed the EMDR treatments. My flashbacks have stopped...However, my flashbacks were never really a main symptom. I experienced them maybe 5% of the time, so any improvement that was gained with EMDR is extremely minimal. This is very disappointing to say the least. And overall I feel the same, if not worse...

One of my core wounds from childhood is of being dismissed, have my reality (thoughts and feelings) discredited, my words twisted and being fundamentally misunderstood. So when I realized this is exactly what my directing practitioner did by immediately throwing the SzPD option out of the window....I broke down quite severely.

I suppose it's very easy for someone with SzPD to just give up the search for help and understanding after that. I already felt like nobody could ever help me, and after a year and a half of being in treatment with only minimal results, that belief is only being reinforced.

This month has in turn been incredibly disheartening. Fingers crossed tomorrow will go well and I can get a proper diagnostic interview to test for personality disorders instead of some standard basic surveys that have been horribly misinterpreted.